Open letter to the parents holding that $#@^ing slumber party tonight

[davsand]

Dear Parents of _______,

Do you know that your daughter was at school a few days ago bragging to all the girls in the class about the really neat slumber party you have planned for her birthday this weekend? She was really excited about it. So was my daughter.

Do you know that she wrote my daughter a f#&*ing note yesterday and handed it to her before she got on the bus telling her that she is not invited to this really neat party that the other girls are going to? The un-smiley face with tears that she drew on it was quite a nice touch, I might add.

Do you know that my little girl cried for most of the night because of this?

Do you F*&$ing CARE?

I can forgive a kid not checking with Mom and Dad before inviting a bunch of kids over. I've been there too, and I have worked with my kid to explain how very hurtful that kind of stuff is. (Heck, I actually got stuck with several kids in my backyard eating hot dogs and Mac and Cheese one night when my daughter invited the neighborhood over for dinner without checking with me first. I understand!) I have worked to teach my kid that "manners" are about not making anyone feel bad. I have tried to teach my kid that you include everyone or else you don't do it. THAT is why we do stuff that all the kids can be invited to or else we do it away from school so nobody gets hurt feelings or feels left out...

(Editorial note: There are a total of TEN girls in the entire class and they freaking culled the herd for a birthday party.)

In short, I just want to say that my ten year old is heartbroken as a result of this mess, and I blame YOU for not doing a better job of teaching your kid some values (or some freaking manners.) I also blame you for doing an activity that allows these kids to exclude somebody else. Either way, I think YOU suck, and I hope to hell I never have to deal with you someplace alone while I still remember holding my sobbing daughter.

Yours in animosity,



Laura

[DS1]

1. wow

with all those bad words, I'm sure they'd be rather glad your daughter was dis-invited


same thing happened to me in 4th grade, find new friends

[davsand]

5. Luckily my kid doesn't act like I do.

My kid worries about hurting any body's feelings. My daughter stepped between a boy and some older boys who were picking on him because, "they were not gonna hit a girl, and I didn't want to see Alex get hurt."

Trust me, my kid is a WAY better human than I am.

I will also admit that when I am coaching kids or out in normal society I do not act like I just did. What I am is as very pissed off Mom who has a hurt little girl. My kid cried over some stupid BS and it just makes me nuts. WHY do adults not "get" this stuff?


This was avoidable.



Laura

[wicket]

36. You've got nothing to apologize for

:hug:

[wicket]

34. Oh give me a break

:eyes:

[ThomCat]

2. Wow. That really is incredibly rude of them.

:(

Though, it seems like rudeness is a big trend recently.

Blah. x(

[LeftyMom]

3. perspective?

I wouldn't want ten nine year old girls in my house overnight either.

Just take your daughter out to do something else she'll enjoy, and maybe invite a friend or two of her own over for the night. She'll live.

[davsand]

10. Oh yes, she will live. The stupidity just overwhelms me, however.

If they didn't want that many kids overnight (and I do understand that) then they needed to discuss that with the kid AT HOME before it ever got to the point of discussion at school. My kid has been hearing for a long time that you don't invite unless it has been cleared by Mom or Dad FIRST--PERIOD.

Like I said, I have been on the hook before due to my kid inviting then informing me after the fact, and I sympathize with them if that is what happened. I just can't believe that it is just NOW coming up for that family, however. Literally, had that been my kid doing that sort of crap there would have BEEN no party. It is THAT simple.


Laura

[Midlodemocrat]

13. .

:thumbsup:

[tigereye]

77. ya know, it might be a good thing to call the parent

and tell her/him what happened. I suspect they wouldn't want their kid to act like that, and it might be a good lesson for the girl who disinvited yours.


If it's any consolation, I remember being at one of those parties and girls were ragging on the girl who wasn't invited. I hope I told them that was uncool, but I can't remember, since it was more than 30 years ago.

:hug: for your little one and for you, davsand - maybe she is better off not going to a party with mean kids.

[Lyric]

4. I'm sorry davsand

I know how angry *I* get when somebody carelessly hurts my kids' feelings. :hug: You're absolutely right. There are a lot of kids today who have few manners and zero tact. If that other little girl didn't want your daughter at her party, so be it, but writing a note to specifically tell her she ISN'T invited is just fucking sadistic. If that were my daughter, she'd be grounded for a week *after* writing a personal note of apology.

[Book Lover]

6. A) You are a great and caring Mom

But I have to add B) 10 girls in one house for a sleepover is too much for any house, even if you have 10 bedrooms.

and also C) having been a 10-year-old girl once, I can tell you from experience that there is no group with sharper emotional knives, and no group more willing to use them. I truly am sorry for your little one. I hope you all have a great time doing something else this weekend, and that on Monday, the other 9 girls come into school with awful colds.

on edit: sorry! Your username made me think you were a dad. My apologies!

[davsand]

23. I swear, I think girls are brutal to each other.

I remember that we bickered a lot, but I also remember the unkind comments most vividly. Sometimes it was over clothes, sometimes over hair, more often than not it was just bitchiness for the sake of it. (In truth, I worry sometimes that I am a horrible role model for my daughter because I honestly just don't care much for the society of many women--even as an adult.)

This weekend is her Dad's birthday, so we'll be doing some sort of family thing. I will probably take her out shopping and for lunch tomorrow--maybe we'll take another kid along too.



Laura

[Orsino]

65. Kids are just feeling their way toward the kind of nasty shit we do to each other.

They just don't have the subtlety that we have learned.

[Dora]

7. Same thing happened to me, in a way.

"Well, we've decided we don't want you to play with us any more."

:cry:

Love to your daughter. Sorry she had to learn this way how much some people suck.

It probably is a good idea to let the parents know about the rude note their daughter gave - just as a notice. If it were my kid who had done that, I would like to know. It's one thing to have a party and not be able to invite everyone. It's another matter entirely to rub the uninvited's nose in it.

:hug: to your girl.

[Shine]

8. Oh gawd, I can so relate to this bullshit. ShineGirl had this happen last yr

She was in the 4th grade, 10 yrs old, like your kid. Every other girl in the class was invited to this one girl's bd party, except for my kid and a couple of others. All the girls and esp. the bd girl herself were bragging and talking about it all week long b/c it involved a special trip to a very cool kid place with lots of fun activities. In fact, they were all being picked up after school one day to be driven there by a couple of the moms.

Picture this: the kids are all waiting to be picked up after school by their parents or whoever and a mom shows up saying, "OK, everyone who is coming to Rebecca's party raise your hands!!" They all did and my dtr and a couple of others were left behind. :grr:

It's incredibly hurtful and rude when that kind of shit happens. It's one thing to decide not to invite a kid to a party, but if everyone else is invited and then they TALK about it in front of the ones who aren't, that totally sucks and it's just plain cruel, imo.

I'm sorry your daughter had to go through that. :hug: I fully agree with you, the parents are definitely culpable in this case.

[Breeze54]

9. Same thing sort of happened to me at age ten.

I got over it and those girls. They were all in the beginning of a clique.

Seems to happen at that age. Your daughter will get over it too.

I don't understand how the daughter being snotty is the parents fault though.

I mean, do they even know she wrote that note? :shrug: Kids do that shit all the time.

It sounds more like the usual BS girls & boys go through at that age and beyond.

Why doesn't your daughter find out why this girl is dissing her? Have they been fighting at school?

[Midlodemocrat]

11. IMHO, it's the parents fault that the kid is a little shit

because they should have been on the entire situation from the beginning. Ten kids in the class and one is left out? Sorry. Not going to happen at Chez Midlo any fucking time soon. If my kids want to invite everyone except 'so and so', there will be NO sleepover.

Kids feelings get hurt all the time and I personally don't want to contribute to it, either intentionally or otherwise.

I've had up to 20 spend the night here so no one is left out. They do not mind sleeping on the floor in the least bit and they love when Mr. Midlo makes them chocolate chip pancakes the next morning.

It's hurtful to exclude someone and just unnecessary to do so.

[Shine]

14. Yup, I totally agree.

:applause:

:hug: :hi:

[Breeze54]

15. I didn't read where the parents knew the kid passed a note.

Even though parents should be teaching their kids fairness and all
that, I'm wondering if the parents know what their daughter did.

[Midlodemocrat]

20. My point is that the parents needed to have a handle on the

guest list from the beginning so that there was no need for a 'note'.

This particular little shit sounds as though she took great delight in dis-inviting the OP's child and that sucks from the get go.

When my kids were smaller, we had birthday parties with everyone on the street so no one would have hurt feelings. Obviously, as they got older, they branched their friendships out, but there is no 'culling of the herd' here. I won't stand for it. One child isn't going to make or break a party, but that one child could have a broken heart needlessly and unnecessarily.

[Breeze54]

27. The kid apparently thought there was a need

for the note, in spite of her parents but I wouldn't be

'going after' the parents. I might call the Mom though.

In any event, I wouldn't be sending my kid to that party anyway.

This other girl and the OP's girl may have had an argument at school.

Who knows? :shrug:

Kids perceive things as arguments or someone said something to someone

and they all believe it's a fact. That's what kids that age do!

[tigereye]

78. ah, another reason I like you Midlo!

:thumbsup:


at my son's school, you can't hand out party invites in school unless there is one for everyone. I always invite everyone to my kid's birthday party, even if they aren't going to come...

[Shine]

12. Kids learn good manners from their parents....or not.

it's their job to teach their kids qualities like Respect, Kindness and Responsibility.

[Breeze54]

18. Yeah, I know

but kids do hurtful things all the time.

That doesn't mean the parents always know about it.

[Shine]

24. Bottom line: if their kid is having a party, the parents need to track who is coming

and furthermore make sure that nobody is left out and feelings aren't hurt...esp. if it's a sleepover party at their own house. I would say the parents have even MORE culpability then. It's not rocket science, it's just basic human kindness.

That's just my opinion.

[Breeze54]

29. Again, I doubt the parents even know about the note.

The OP should just calm down, take a deep breath and call the other Mom.

[KitchenWitch]

52. Even if the parents were unaware of the note - it is their responsibility

to teach their children manners, values, and to model good character. Period.

[Breeze54]

53. And how do the parents know what the kid did?

Kids do this all the time and their parents don't know about it. Boys do it too.

[KitchenWitch]

54. Don't put words in my mouth

I never implied that boys are innocent of such bad behavior.

What I DID imply, was that if parents were doing even a half-assed job at teaching manners and common respect, chances are their children would be far less likely to pull a stunt like that. In many cases, alas, parents are too busy trying to be their children's friends and not being their parent.

[Breeze54]

56. Calm the H down...gheesh! - I didn't SAY

YOU said anything about boys!! I'M SAYING BOYS ALSO DO IT!!

I have three sons and I know all about boys fighting and teasing and the

bullying that goes on with the boys and girls and their friends and classmates.

[Midlodemocrat]

35. I agree with you, Shine.

Especially if it is a party that is being talked about at school as a 'big deal'.

I REALLY hate the parties that BabyMidlo has gone to recently where a 'select few' continue to stay after the party and have a sleepover. :grr:

I would rather have all of them here for one night to prevent hurt feelings than deal with that. Is that coddling them? Maybe. But maybe, just maybe 10 is still too young to be hurt like that.

[Beaverhausen]

19. Same thing happened to me and it took years to get over it.

I think Laura has every right to go after the parents. They need to teach their daughter that what she did isn't right, and if they don't know about it, well, now they will.

[Breeze54]

21. She might want to call them but

if it was my daughter, she wouldn't be going to that party anyway.

She's better off without them. Kids can be snotty in spite of their parents.

[Beaverhausen]

22. She's better off without them? All the other girls in her class?

Sorry, we have to agree to disagree about this.

[Breeze54]

31. She's better off not going

to that party. One note from a little snot, doesn't mean the whole class hates her.

[MorningGlow]

16. OMG that is incredible

So, so sorry for you and your daughter! :hug:

I agree that kids need to be taught manners--as in, if you invite someone to a party, or even imply that all 10 girls are invited, you cannot UNinvite them. And I don't care if 10 ten-year-olds is too much to handle for a sleepover. It's too late. Suck it up.

If the birthday girl never intended to invite all nine female classmates, then her parents should have taught her not to "talk up" the party in public so loudly and so often and so freely.

The one glitch in all this: My kid is only 4, and I already have realized that some kids don't have manners because their damned PARENTS don't have 'em to teach 'em. :grr:

I agree with a post upthread, Laura--take your daughter out on that night and spoil her rotten. Buy her dinner complete with a ginormous ice cream sundae. Take her to a movie or watch her favorite videos with her. Or, if there were other uninvited girls, get them all together for a party of their own.

[MrCoffee]

17. i had a 10th birthday party that nobody came to

i invited the whole class. they decided not to come.


good times.

[Beaverhausen]

26. Oh

:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

30. My dear MrCoffee...

That had to have been horrifying....

I am so sorry...

I would have been there!

:hug: :pals:

[MrCoffee]

37. thanks CalPeggy...

it wasn't the worst thing that happened to me as a kid. but it rates pretty high up there.

[alarimer]

51. I had a party where only two people showed up.

I was in the 8th grade. We had a small class, maybe 20 people in the entire grade. I guess I knew who my real friends were after that. But it sent a message that I was deeply unpopular, something that has stuck with me to this day.

Kids can be really, really cruel to each other. I don't think they know how awful they are sometimes and how that can really scar kids for life to be treated that way.

[MrCoffee]

57. i think kids are extremely susceptible to mob mentality

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

69. Did you stress there was cake there?

No kid turns down cake. Not willingly at least.

[Phillycat]

72. Oh hell.

That sucks. My birthday is Halloween so I never had any trouble getting people to come to parties - but I was really freaking unpopular at age 10, too. :hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

73. Oh man *hugs*

[madinmaryland]

25. I have a ten year old daughter and I am amazed at the mind games

that are played between them. No matter what you say to them it's the way they are.

One minute they are happen, then they are mad at each other, and then they are best friends again. I can't figure it out. We know her friends parents and they are all good parents. ITS THE KIDS!

[Midlodemocrat]

28. But you, kind sir, would never allow little MinM to

invite everyone except one child and then rub said child's nose in it. I think that is the OP's point.

We all know the mind games that they play, but it is up to the adults to make sure that the mind games don't extend into the truly hurtful realm, which is what has happened here.

JMHO. YMMV.

[madinmaryland]

33. A similar thing happened to my daughter as the OP,

and my daughter was a bit upset, but got over it fairly quickly. It just seems to be the way the girls do it these days. I don't get it. Hopefully our daughter won't pull a stunt like that.

[Midlodemocrat]

38. I think there are variations on this theme as well.

If it's just a run of the mill sleepover, no biggie. BUT, if the kids are all talking about it like it is the greatest thing since sliced bread, it IS a big deal to the child left out.

BabyMidlo recently faced the same thing. She told me she was 'unpopular' because she wasn't invited to a certain girl's birthday party.

(Frankly, I was beyond fine with it, because I see this kid as being extremely advanced and I don't want to go down that road right now)

She was hurt, but not terribly, but it still mad me angry. At least for a few minutes.

[wicket]

32. Same thing happened to me

We had an even smaller class - 8 girls, 3 of us didn't get invited. It really hurts, I don't understand why kids can be so cruel.

Was your daughter the only one excluded? What one of the other mothers did for those of us that was excluded was take us all out for bowling & swimming. Maybe you could do a fun activity like that?

:hug: for you & your daughter

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

39. That sucks

Kids can be cruel, but they also sometimes just don't think far enough ahead. I remember when I was eight my grandpa's funeral was the same weekend I was supposed to go to my friend's house and I couldn't tell him I couldn't go even though I had an obvious reason. My mother was horrifed when I told her I had never said a word to the kid and made him think I was still going.

I remember also getting invited to a girl's birthday party that was going to be a slumber party after. Of course, I had to leave at a certain time being the only boy, but I was kind of flattered I was the only boy invited.

[AlCzervik]

40. can i ask you something just to clarify?

i also have a daughter, 13--!!!!

Anyhow my question is, do you think that girl never intended to invite your daughter but lead her to believe she would be invited?

[davsand]

43. I have NO idea.

I can't tell. My daughter seems to think that the parents limited the guest list. I honestly don't know, but I do think that after I calm down (in a couple of days) I will call the parents and chat with them about the problem. Right now I am just too pissed off to be constructive.


Laura

[AlCzervik]

44. smart move to wait.

Something happened at my daughters school about 5 years ago that sent me into orbit, i was so mad, like anger that i didn't even know i had in me so i waited over the weekend and then wrote out what i wanted to say so i wouldn't lose it when i had a meeting with the school's principal.

[Midlodemocrat]

46. Laura, I don't buy that.

And, here's why. A ten year old is old enough NOT to repeat that she is having a big sleepover to the kids who aren't invited. If her parents were restricting the guest list, they would have instructed her to keep her mouth shut about who was coming.

The fact that this sadistic little shit took time out to pass your daughter a note about her not coming shrieks to me that her parents are clueless about this. Which is why I blame them.

Kids can be amazing little shits, which is why parents have to intervene.

JMHO. YMMV.

[AlCzervik]

48. if thats the case and my kid was the one having the party

i would do 2 things right away, kick my own ass and then cancel the party.

[davsand]

49. Well, my personal experience leads me to think it is deliberate.

But I admit freely that I am a jaded and a not so nice person sometimes...



I do think that until I can be a bit more calm I am better off staying the hell away from those parents. Last night I was so mad I probably could have cheerfully left blood and hair on the walls and that has not subsided too much even today. I learned a long time ago that I am much better served by getting a handle on all of it before I go into any situation where I am gonna be telling people things they don't want to hear. Makes no sense to make this any worse of a problem than it already is...

I have calls into a couple of the other moms to ask about their daughters and are they going tonight. One mom I talked to said her kid was invited, the other I have not talked to yet. Frankly, I think this is a case of a "few" being cut out and the majority being invited. I suspect my kid didn't make the A list. I also suspect that these parents are crashing turds who need to have my foot jammed up their collective backsides for hurting my kid this way or for allowing THEIR kid to hurt mine.

They need to know. I need to wait until I won't exacerbate the problem.



Laura

[piesRsquare]

98. Agreed.

When I was in fourth grade, my parents allowed me to have a birthday party for when I turned 10. We lived in a gated community. The party was going to be on a Saturday afternoon: Everyone was going to meet at the house, we'd go to the community pool for a swim, then return to the house for cake and presents (and goofing off).

There were three fourth grade classes where I went to school. I had (female) friends in all three classes. My parents set a limit as to how many guests I could have. Trouble was, in order to include my other friends, I couldn't include two of the girls in my class.

I didn't know those girls very well. They were best friends with each other, and didn't really hang out with others (they even sat together).

We MAILED the party invitations; we always mailed party invitations. Even to this day, I mail party invitations (even when I had Seder at my home in 2006, I mailed invitations...no Evite or email here!) My parents made it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR (as they always had before) that I was NOT to talk about the party at school. It made perfect sense to me...

Ten years old is definitely old enough to know manners. Yakking about an invitation-only party in public--no matter what the person's age--is tacky and in poor taste anyway. My parents expected me to behave with a bit more class than that.

[Lance_Boyle]

41. you have got to be shitting us.

Not invited to the cool kids' party? It's the end of the world is it? For jeebus' sake if the experience gives the child a slightly thicker skin than the parent, it's a net positive.

Never too early to learn: sometimes other people suck, and will hurt your feelings.

[Midlodemocrat]

42. Oh, FFS.

Do you know anything about parenting or teaching?

"Never too early to learn: sometimes other people suck, and will hurt your feelings".

Riiggghhhhtttt. Our President is a fabulous example of that. :eyes:

[davsand]

45. Yep, people do suck sometimes. I have NO problem pointing it out.

It doesn't HAVE to be this way.

I'm sure you will agree if you stop to think about it, letting stupid shit go by unremarked perpetuates the cycle of boors begetting boors.




Laura

[Fran Kubelik]

64. It feels like the end of the world when you are that kid.

Try a little empathy.

[KitchenWitch]

82. ...

empathy? with that username? Just sayin.

[Critters2]

85. Exactly. She' a KID, dammit!! nt

[Book Lover]

74. Wait for the day when it's your kid crying in your arms

Or will you tell her, "You've got to be shitting me," too?

[distantearlywarning]

84. It must be a rule on DU or something.

Every time a thread about bullying pops up, somebody has to take the asshole viewpoint. Today it's Lance_Boyle's turn.

Personally, I hope it never gets to be my turn. I'd hate for anyone here to think I was that clueless.

:nuke:

Here's a tip for you, Lance: sometimes other people do suck. It's our job as decent human beings to let them know when they suck, and to try to mitigate the suckiness in the world to the extent that we can. Saying "get over it" is not the good person's response to suckiness. It's the coward's way of not feeling guilt when he turns his face away from the suffering of others, and it's the bully's way of making sure his victims don't gather the will to fight back. I hope that you are neither of these, but rather just a confused person who didn't think carefully enough before they posted. That goes for everyone else in this thread who thinks this kind of BS is no big deal too.

[Fran Kubelik]

86. This is a wonderful post.

Thanks for taking the time to write it.

[Phentex]

100. Thank you!

"It's the coward's way of not feeling guilt when he turns his face away from the suffering of others, and it's the bully's way of making sure his victims don't gather the will to fight back."

There are life lessons hidden in the actions of these ten year olds. We aren't ever too old to learn from them.

[idgiehkt]

87. I think it must be terrible to watch your kid be hurt

I kind of felt like that was what was being expressed here...

I don't know what the answer is, or what I would tell my child. Jeezus, how cruel people can be. :(

[BarenakedLady]

47. I have a 10 year old daughter too.

That sucks.

Give her an extra hug for me.

:hug:

I don't fault you for being outraged on her behalf. But she'll probably get over it before you do.

[davsand]

50. I have little doubt about that!

My guess is that in a month or two it won't be a "huge" deal for her. She will remember it, but I doubt it will be an acute pain like it was last night.

For me, however, I will still be spitting nails for a long time to come. NOBODY hurts my kid like this and emerges without at least hearing my opinion of the situation.



Laura

[Breeze54]

55. Study: Mean Girls Start As Tots

Study: Mean Girls Start As Tots

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/05/07/tech/main693714.shtml

3-Year-Olds Use Manipulation, Peer Pressure; Parents Can Intervene

(AP) Meanness in girls can start when they still are toddlers, a Brigham Young University study found.

It found that girls as young as 3 or 4 will use manipulation and peer pressure to get what they want.

"It could range from leaving someone out to telling their friends not to play with someone to saying,
'I'm not going to invite you to my birthday party,"' said Craig Hart, study co-author and professor of
marriage, family and human development at BYU. "Some kids are really adept at being mean and nasty."

They regularly exclude others and threaten to withdraw friendship when they don't get their way.

The "mean girls" are highly liked by some and strongly disliked by others. They are socially skilled
and popular but can be manipulative and subversive if necessary. They are feared as well as respected.

The study is the first to link relational aggression and social status in preschoolers. It appears in
the current issue of the journal Early Education and Development. David Nelson and Clyde Robinson of
BYU are the other authors.

Researchers have long known that adolescents, particularly girls, engage in this sort of behavior,
called relational aggression, to maintain their social status.

In fact, a number of books and movies have come out recently exploring this phenomenon, including the
best-selling "Queen Bees and Wannabes" and the movie "Mean Girls."

snip-->

Hart said other research has found that about 17 percent to 20 percent of preschool and school-age
girls display such behavior. It also shows up in boys, but much less frequently.

"The typical mantra is that boys are more aggressive than girls, but in the last decade we've learned
that girls can be just as aggressive as boys, just in different ways," he said.

more....

-----------------

Why Are Those Girls So Mean?

http://www.greatschools.net/cgi-bin/showarticle/ca/1105

Why are adolescent girls so mean to each other and what can parents do about it?

By Lisa Rosenthal, GreatSchools Senior Editor

Your child can point them out on the elementary school playground or by the lockers at middle
or high school — groups of girls tightly hanging together — the all-powerful cliques. Perhaps
they're whispering or looking down their noses at other girls. Or they're madly sending nasty
text messages or leaving anonymous commentaries on Web sites like MySpace or Facebook. You may
be wondering how they can be so mean. Where does this behavior come from? What can your school
do about it? And what can parents do?

From Bullying to Relational Aggression

Kids have been behaving badly toward other kids for a long time. But in today's world, peer groups
have more influence than ever before, and technology makes it easier for children to be anonymous
and more widespread in their cruelty.

First it was all about the boys and the bullies. Media attention focused on bullying and how to
stop stronger boys from physically attacking the weaker ones. Schools developed anti-bullying
campaigns and character-education programs to combat the behavior.

In recent years, the attention has turned to adolescent girls and to what psychologists call
"relational aggression," or the kind of behavior depicted in the film "Mean Girls." These girls'
cliques spread rumors and lies, exclude and sometimes show outright physical aggression toward
other girls. Their targets are usually girls who haven't yet started developing physically, who
dress differently than others or who just don't fit in.

Realize that it's not just other people's children who behave this way.

As children start to drift away in middle school, they are less likely to tell their parents
everything that happens at school. Many parents are surprised when they hear about the mean
behavior of cliques because their daughters haven't volunteered the information. And they may
be even more surprised when they find out their own daughters are playing a role.

more.....

[Pithlet]

58. Edit, sorry.

I think the OP has a legitimate gripe. It looks to me like one of two things happened. Either the child was being deliberately hurtful by flaunting the party and then letting her daughter know she wasn't invited, or the child got excited and invited everyone without telling her mom, first, and the mom told the child to uninvite the extras. If it's the first scenario, then I think the mother should know her daughter is pulling stunts like that. I knew at that age that if I ever did so, and my mom got wind of it, there would be no party. But, not everyone is like my mom. Some people know their kids are little shits, and don't care and do nothing about it, but some do, and would like to know if their kid is doing this so they can make things right. If it's the second scenario, then you don't uninvite the extra kids. You suck it up and include them, too. I did go crazy and invite the whole neighborhood to a party, once. My mom was not happy at all, but she hid the party favors and cut the cake thinner, so no one was hurt.

I'm sure there are plenty of studies about human behavior, and articles written about those studies, but they don't replace common sense. The OP certainly can't show that article to her tearful child, can she? I doubt it makes it easier for her to watch her child go through this, either. I know I'd be calling the parents, too, so that they can either know that their child is being deliberately cruel to others, or know that their own petty behavior isn't going unnoticed, studies be damned. I'd hope that if my child were behaving that way, that someone would let me know so I could address the parents.

Edit to apologize for the tone. I just feel for the OP and know I could be facing similar situations down the road. It's appalling to read this stuff, even if it is part of life.

[Breeze54]

59. Both articles have good info., imho.

I feel bad that the OP is upset too but I think the OP should just call the parents.

I bet the parents of the snotty kid don't know about the note.

[Pithlet]

60. I read an article about the woman who wrote the Queen Bee book

It's fascinating. I think people forget what a hornet's nest the middle school years are. I agree she should call the parents, because the whole thing could be a big misunderstanding. The parents may be clueless and are utterly appalled that their daughter did this, and will be very embarrassed and appreciate hearing from her. Or, they could be assholes who know about it and don't care to do anything about it, and a phone call in that case calls them on it.

[Breeze54]

61. Agreed and I also

in answer to your question, posted the articles because I thought
it might give the OP some tools, in case she didn't have them all.
I know I didn't have all the answers when my kids were in middle school. ;)
Besides, this being such a small school the OP''s daughter is attending;
how the OP handles this could be crucial to her daughters school life.

[davsand]

62. Kevsand says let it go. Don't call the parents.

He thinks it will just make for more trouble for our kid on down the road. I'm torn. I even called my mom for advice because I honestly have no idea what to do. I don't know the exact numbers, but the girls not attending the party are a minority. While I understand limiting the number of kids, I can't abide the idea of leaving a kid out and making somebody feel bad over stupid shit like this. Hell, I'm the coach that takes treats for BOTH softball teams--not just mine--because I don't want kids left out. I am just not equipped for this!

My kid just begged me not to call the parents because she is afraid of what the other kids will say--like she went home and tattled or something. I will not call anyone as long as I am mad, but I can't decide if I think it would do any good even if I did call. If the parents are social turds, I'm betting the kid will turn out that way too due to a lack of education at home.

The other end of it is I feel this is a cycle that never ends unless somebody makes a point of it. Is it up to me? I dunno. If it was MY kid acting like shit I'd want to know. I can't fix something I don't know about, I can't teach a lesson if I don't realize it needs to be taught. I am also acutely aware of the fact that I am upset FOR my kid and probably not making the best decisions right now. NEVER act in anger or you will regret it later. I know this, but it isn't easy when it is my kid.

We are going out for dinner and a movie tonight as a family to "celebrate her Dad's birthday" (since her friends are all going to the damn party!) and I will deal with tomorrow when it comes.


Gawd I hate this shit.



Laura

[Pithlet]

63. Ugh. That's tough.

I don't know. If the parents aren't socially clueless and just don't know what she's done, then they might want to know she's doing this. But, it could make things harder for your daughter to call, especially if they really are clueless and lack any social grace. I'm really feeling for you right now. Mine are little now, and I'm really dreading those years.

[GreenPartyVoter]

75. Don't call. That's my gut feeling on this.*hugs*

[hippywife]

89. I agree with Kevsand and your daughter

on this and here's why. I was the outsider in school who was always picked on and ostracized...even through high school. As hurt as she is now, the real evil will begin if you address it with the parents. Either way they handle it, by addressing it with their daughter or handling it poorly by telling you off (you got a 50-50 chance in this), their daughter is going to make sure every other kid in school knows you called and they will make your daughter's life a living nightmare. She's been through enough for now.

I agree with skygazer's sentiments in post 68. There's a teaching moment here and the opportunity to give your daughter the building blocks to remaining a compassionate person all her life. Build her up without giving them the chance to tear her down even further or showing her that anger is ever the proper response, no matter how much you are in your right to feel as you do. She will carry the lessons she learns directly and indirectly from you for a lifetime.

Sending many hugs her way from someone who was also there way too often.

Edited for clarification.

[LibDemAlways]

91. Sometimes when you call the parents in a

situation like this, it only makes things worse. People become instinctively defensive when you question something their child has done. That's human nature. And, as I said further down in the thread, if the kid is such a little shit, chances are the parents aren't much better. As hard as it is, let it go, and consider that you saved some money on a birthday present and now know who to avoid in the future.

[Bunny]

66. I've read this entire thread and I agree with you 100%

If some little snot-nosed puke purposely hurt my kid I'd be spitting nails, with flames flying from my ears and nostrils. I don't know what to advise you to do, though. I don't much like direct confrontation, so I'm not sure I'd call the parents. Maybe turn it into a special day for little davsand, maybe you'll both feel better? Good luck, I feel your pain and anger. :hug:

[Beausoir]

67. Very painful and cruel. Take your daughter out for something extra special.

So sorry you have to watch you child go through that. It hurts.

In our house, we do NOT exclude people. It's just too painful. We brings treats for the entire class and celebrate later, as a family.

[skygazer]

68. That stuff can really mess with a kid

My daughter was one of the "popular" kids all through grade school. Then she got to middle school and one of the other "popular" girls decided to marginalize her. Other girls took sides - my daughter ended up being almost completely ostracized - to the point that I ended up home schooling her for her 8th grade year. She'd been so beaten up socially, she couldn't bring herself to face them.

But...

She learned a lot from that. She learned about the fleeting nature of popularity and how people can act like your friend but not really be one. She learned to be more discerning about people, and to choose wisely, to only have a close circle of people she really cared about instead of trying to be one of many. It was a horribly hard lesson but a good one and she's a far better, more compassionate person for it.

Help your daughter through it, and offer some wise mom advice. There are some lessons here. :hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

70. This happens a lot, apparently. I haven't been through it w/ my kids but I know

kids from school who have. And I can recall my mother telling me about one little girl watching a mother pick up all the other little girls (except her) for a party.

Honestly, how can some adults be so darned insensitive to kids?!?

[AnneD]

71. I have had 2 slumber parties for my daughter....

I know that as a rule you are lucky to get half to show up. In fact I counted on it (and it was fairly accurate. Everyone was invited so there were no hurt feelings. We had a blast both times with those that showed up.

:grouphug: a frowning smiley face doesn't cut it.:grr:

[Ellen Forradalom]

76. You need this book

[WritingIsMyReligion]

79. That's downright shitty behavior, but I don't agree with the "everyone or no one" mentality.

Quite frankly, there are people I always do not want to associate with--I simply do not like them. I know nearly everyone, particularly children, feels this way about at least one person. As a younger kid, I was never told that I had to invite everyone in the class, especially the people I disliked or the people I knew disliked me. I was told, however, to never mention the event in front of people who were not invited to intend, and to make clear to the invitees that the event was staying on the down-low. I had decent friends, and not a lot of them; it wasn't hard.

There are always going to be people you don't like or people who don't like you; that's life, and kids learn this lesson a lot sooner than their parents think they do. You shouldn't have to make an event all-inclusive to accomodate people you just don't want to spend time with, but you also shouldn't advertise the event's existence, particularly in a bitchy/obnoxious/taunting way.

I'm sorry your daughter had to meet such horrid souls and deal with that behavior; girls from 10 to 14 are vicious things.

[woo me with science]

95. I agree with this. Especially at age ten,

a child should not have to invite the whole class. Learning to choose your circle of friends as you grow older is an important skill, as is managing such friendships without hurting others. Not to mention that any "charity guest" to a party at age ten would surely realize her status anyway or be reminded of it by others.

Adults have to make these sorts of social decisions all the time. Ten is an excellent age to be learning how to choose carefully the people you want to be closest to you, while also being sensitive to others.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

96. Exactly.

:thumbsup:

[distantearlywarning]

80. I am with you on this one.

As someone who was routinely and deliberately excluded by other girls as a young adolescent (i.e., they rubbed my nose in it for fun), I can tell you that it still affects my relationships with other women to this day at age 33. I think the "get over it" people are being awfully callous and probably not thinking through how they might feel if the same thing happened to them as an adult, much less as a ten-year-old who has even fewer coping skills. For instance, how would an adult woman feel if one of her female co-workers talked and talked about some work-related female get-together for weeks, and then informed her on the day of the get-together that she was the only one not invited, and gave no reason for this? Any *adult* woman would probably go home and cry too.

Why do we expect children to "get over" things that we wouldn't be able to handle if it happened to us? Jeez. Have some compassion, people.

Anyway, I understand that parents might not be able to deal with 10 girls. I also sympathize with the viewpoint that children shouldn't be forced to hang out with other children they don't like. But the way that this girl handled it crosses the line into relational bullying. No, she doesn't have to invite your daughter. But if she wasn't planning on inviting everyone in the class, she shouldn't have talked and laughed about it with all the other girls. And she definitely shouldn't have non-invited your daughter via a note. How cruel!

If I were a parent and my daughter did something like that, the party would be off. That kind of behavior would be an absolute no-no for my children under any circumstances, no exceptions.

I know your daughter didn't want you to call the girl's mom. But if you ever come in contact with her mother later, like at a school function or something, you might just want to briefly mention the incident in a non-confrontational way. "You know, something happened a few weeks ago with Suzy and Jane that I thought you might want to know about..." I know that I would want to know for sure if it were my daughter behaving in that way.

But anyway...hugs for your daughter. Girls can be so mean at that age and it sometimes gets worse before it gets better (I had several very good girlfriends in high school, but junior high was a nightmare I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy).

[Critters2]

81. Oh, Davsand, I'm so sorry.

God, people can be mean. Poor kidsand. I'd be furious, too, if I were you!!







She's ten?! How did THAT happen?! :wow:

[Blue Diadem]

83. Do you still have the note?

I'd make sure party girl's parents actually see that note. It's beyond mean, it's down right cruel.

I'm sorry your little girl is going through such a painful experience. :hug: for you and for her.

[idgiehkt]

88. I kind of think so as well

maybe send it in the mail without a name attached. I'm sure they'll recognize their kid's handwriting. If other people got them possibly it can't be pinned down just which rejected kid it belongs to.

[LibDemAlways]

90. OK, My two cents.....If the kid is such a snotty little

troublemaker, chances are the parents are, too. Some of the biggest disappointments I've experienced since the birth of my daughter 14 years ago involve people I met and became friendly with because of my daughter who turned out to be thoughtless shitheads who've caused my family a lot of grief. Believe me, I've held a sobbing child more than once and even shed a few tears of my own over the incredibly cruel actions of other people who should have known better.

I know it's hard for a 10-year-old who has had her feelings hurt to understand, but I'd just try and patiently explain that sometimes people disappoint us by their behavior and not everyone is as thoughtful and kind as they could or should be. Then I'd go out of my way to treat her to a fun and special activity.

This will blow over, but the hurt will stay with you awhile. A couple of incidents I've experienced over the years still piss me off when I think about them. You have every right to be upset.

[Critters2]

92. Davsand, I love your sig file.

And am still pissed at those parents!

[Breeze54]

93. Why? The parents didn't pass the note!

The snotty kid did! Don't condemn the parents until the OP knows more!

That's just crazy, imho. The little girl passed a snotty note and a lot

of you are condemning the parents for that and that is unfair!

Kids are cruel and you can't always blame the parents for it!!

Children have minds of their own and do things to piss off their own parents!

It looks to me, from what the OP stated, that this girl wrote a nasty note.

Give the parents a chance! Creative, intelligent children CAN be little shits!

Are you all saying that everything you did in middle school, your parents knew about?

BULL SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you're saying that? Then you're all liars!!!!

[davsand]

94. Thank you, and I am still pissed too.

Kev is tired of hearing about it, and I am still fuming.

We went out to dinner tonight as a family and then went to see "Bee Movie" to "celebrate Dad's Birthday." (Like he'd ever choose to go see that particular movie given a choice in the matter!) We are going shopping in the morning (again--"for Dad") so she won't be home thinking about what the other kids are doing.

We talked in the car tonight on the way home, and she said the girl was acting pretty strange today like she was afraid of an argument. Apparently, they did not talk about the party or anything else.

One of the kids who was invited was sitting in the seat behind on the bus, and was overheard making some kind of remark like "does SHE realize yet she wasn't invited?" I also found out that the invites were handed out last week. That coupled with the kid making that remark on the bus sounds to me like this was discussed at school and there is more to it than just parents putting limits on the guest list.

I am at a loss. I honestly have no idea how to proceed. I asked my kid directly tonight if there had been any issues between herself and anybody else at school and she says not. I asked if anybody had made snotty comments to her before now, and she says not. I even asked if anybody had ever made fun of her clothing or her hair, and again she's saying there is nothing in the history.

I asked what she thought she would have to do (or change) to be like them. She did tell me that her t-shirts and jeans are not as "girly" as what these other girls wear, and she did tell me that her hair is not long enough according to them. She also rolled her eyes and said she should probably die her hair blond, too.

I asked if she wants to do any of this stuff--to make any changes--and she says no (most emphatically.)

My own personal attitude would probably be flip them all off and go hang with the guys, but I also know I am not exactly a good role model of traditional female behaviors. My poor kid has to deal with these little snots every day and it really isn't an option for her to just walk away.

We'll ride it out. It isn't like we have much choice. I love my kid and that is maybe about the best I can do for now.



Laura

[meegbear]

97. I know the feeling ...

In the 7th grade, at the start of class, this kid raises his hand and announces that he is going to be bar mitzvahed in a of couple weeks and that he is having a big party and wants to hand out invitations to the class. The teacher says OK.

We walked thru the class and gave everyone, except me, an invitation. The teacher noticed that:

Teacher: Didn't you forget someone?
Jerk: Susan's not here. I'll give to her tomorrow.

Words cannot describe the way I felt.

[CabalPowered]

99. Buy a 12-pack of Charmin and paint the house white

:shrug:

Your daughter would probably get a kick out of it but that may not be the right message. :evilgrin:

All joking aside.. Hopefully over time the friendship will mend and your daughter will be a stronger person because of it.

:hi:

[davsand]

104. We talked about TPing the house.

OMG! I can't believe you came up with that!

I asked me kid if she wanted to do just that, and we talked about it. We talked about how angry she felt and how making a mess was just not a good way to show her anger. I am supremely happy that my kid has a better defined sense of morality than I do, but it did make her laugh when I asked her about it.

I dunno why people do this kind of hurtful stuff, but it sure does seem like everybody has had it happen at one time or another.


Peace to you!



Laura

[murielm99]

101. Don't call the parents yet.

Don't do it while you are angry. See if this still matters in a couple of months. Then, find another way to address it. Maybe you can talk to the parents after the holidays, if you still think it is necessary.

Is there an ongoing situation at school? If so, schedule a parent-teacher conference, and talk to the teacher about what is going on in school. Some teachers are sensitive to this sort of thing. And if they don't know, they need to be made aware.

My daughter had a first grade teacher who understood about peer situations. This teacher had taught fourth grade and eighth grade. She had also raised a popular daughter, so she had seen quite a bit of the nastiness and ostracism firsthand. I was very surprised when I went to a conference with that teacher. She told us that she saw those situations developing already in my daughter's class. She said that she had never seen it happen before with such young girls. She gave everyone some tips on handling "mean girl" syndrome. We were not being singled out. She spoke to everyone.

When I was a kid, we never wanted to invite "Susan" to our birthday parties. My best friend and I tried to pull that. We invited everyone but Susan. Our mothers put a stop to it. They made us invite Susan. They made us be polite to Susan, too. Susan was quiet and homely and a social outcast. She was an outcast all the way through high school. But she grew up to be a nice woman who STILL remembers that we invited her to our birthday parties.

If you are inviting only part of the class, mail the invitations. Give your kid strict orders not to brag about the party at school. Enlist the teacher's help, if necessary. We invited everyone to my daughter's first party, and about half of them showed up. We invited 30 kids to my son's first party, and they all came. I never wanted that many kids in my house again, so we culled the list for future parties. It can be done tactfully.

I hate it when kids are mean to each other. Sometimes the hurt never goes away. I hope you find a way to help your daughter through this. And it is not minor! I am sure everyone here can remember being hurt in this way at least once.

[Gonzo Gardener]

102. If that party is tonight...

I'd call the parents now, just to let them know exactly what their kid did or, if, you know the

parents, stop by with the note in hand. No need to direct any anger toward anyone, the mean kid

or her parents. There may well have been a limit to how many could come and the parents probably

don't know about the note. As a mother of an 11 year old, I would appreciate knowing if my

child behaved in this way so that he/she could be promptly punished.


If I found out that my kid treated another kid like that I'd cancel the party immediately, even

if the guests were starting to arrive. (Parties are a reward for good behavior.) The nasty girl

might learn that there are consequences for rude/bad behavior if her parents are alerted... the

sooner the better!

[cally]

103. Please call the parent

This happened to my child in third grade. Every girl in class was invited except my daughter. The girl said she had too many to invite. Looking back I should have called the parent if only for my sake. Twelve years later, I'm still angry when I think about it.

BTW, that girl ended up being a brat over the years. I'm very fortunate my daughter was not friends with her in H.S. when she and her crowd got into much trouble. A couple of years after this event we had a run in at a school fund raiser. My daughter was outraged that the girl was giving away popcorn for free to her friends instead of collecting for the school. It's probably why she wasn't invited to the sleepover. My daughter had a strong set of morals and would not have gone along with vicious or dishonest behavior. :hug:

[JVS]

105. Bummer.