Break-up Update:Looks like 'he' wants to leave on Dec. 1.

[Lady Freedom]

For those that have asked about what I am talking about: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=7128594&mesg_id=7128594
And I need to make sure I save back $30 for storage. He wants to "talk" Wednesday about how we are going to about everything. I don't see what we need to talk about. He says that he has to do all the cleaning because I can't do it right. He has decided to work 7 days a week(And he is still home more than me)so to get a nest egg for himself. And I am left with $10,000 dollars in debt and and all the house stuff.:cry:
Guess he wants to see if I will agree to sell it all and spit the money.

[Midlodemocrat]

1. Kick his ass out today. Change the locks. Put his stuff on the porch.

End.Of.Problem.

[Deep13]

17. She's not allowed to do that. n/t

[Tuesday Afternoon]

35. Yep --

what she said. DO IT. DO IT NOW. Come back and post after you have done it. I will walk you through this...PM me. I have been there and done that. Kick his ass to the curb. Do it for your self-esteem. Do it because morally you have the right...Legally, you still have some rights.

[BlueIris]

50. Posts Midlo, so I don't have to.

Jesus Christ. I'm sorry.

[WilliamPitt]

2. As callous as this may sound...

...I kinda get the sense that you're going to be better off in the long run. I don't know the man, but my Spidey-Sense is picking up huge levels of "Total Assbag" vibrations from every word you wrote about his behavior and attitude. I don't even want to know why you're ten grand in the hole, and why he seems fine about leaving you holding that bag.

JMO. :hug:

About four years ago, I had an eight-year relationship explode and go down like the Hindenberg...and it sucked...and I'm better off in the long run.

Promise.

[Lady Freedom]

29. I hope.

I am feeling so down. At less I have Polo and Maverick. And my School Work. Oh and my work.

[WilliamPitt]

32. Get some overtime.

Pay off that debt.

Put the card in a brown paper sack filled with dogshit.

Put the bag on his front step.

Light it on fire.

Ring his doorbell.

Walk away in any direction, because any direction will lead you to a better future.

But maybe wait a bit, behind a tree and out of sight, so you can watch him try to stomp out the fire and wind up with dogshit in his socks.

;)

:hug:

[WolverineDG]

47. You're already better off

with just the dog & the cat. Ever hear them bitch about how clean the house is or whether you're in a good school? Nope.

dg

[Maestro]

3. Sorry, he sounds like a selfish ass.

If you are not married, kick his sorry butt on the sidewalk now. What's yours is yours and what's his is his; nothing more nothing less. The debt part is troubling though. Is it on your credit cards?

[Lady Freedom]

4. Credit card, over due bills that I never knew of, and one bad cell phone...

That he and a friend ran up. You see for Valentines day 2 years ago, I bought me and him new cell phones. in Aug. of this year The bill went up so high I couldn't pay it all off at once. Still paying it. May never see the end.

[Whoa_Nelly]

12. Did you discontinue his cell?

Since you bought the phones and service, you can cut his use anytime. And if on a contract, call the company and set it up now that the billing begins in his name and he has your permission to take over that cell number.

[Lady Freedom]

13. Their both discontinued.

Can't pay and the contract is up.

[Maestro]

16. I definitely think that you are better off without this guy

You can do much better. Nobody wants someone like this. :hug:

[Dora]

5. Don't split anything.

You're not married, there is no community property. He is entitled only to what is his - possessions or purchases that he brought to the household.

If there are "shared" possessions in the household, I have the strong suspicion that you paid for them. If that's true, they in fact belong to you.

The sooner he leaves you, the better off you will be. It may feel terrible, but please keep your trust in the unknown.

It's better than continuing to trust in the leech who's been dogging you about cleaning the house when you're working your tail off, going to school, and paying his bills.

Cut him off. Stand up tall. Raise your chin and move forward.

[Lady Freedom]

7. He does help pay bills...

But he gets behind and I have to help. He is going to pay all the bills in his name and I am paying the ones in mine. Pretty clean cut.

[flvegan]

6. Who owns the house (who's on the deed)?

[Lady Freedom]

8. It's rented. We are both on it(Lease).

[flvegan]

10. He sounds mentally abusive. Regular psychic vampire.

Screw him. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but he's sure as hell not looking out for you, so you have to.

[HERVEPA]

9. Good Grief. Just get rid of him now!

Who cares that he wants it Dec. 1st, as if that's an entitlement he deserves.

It's you're place. You need to realize he's a jerk.

You don't need to show him any consideration now. He clearly doesn't show you any.

You seem to talk about his running up and sticking you with phone bills and such as if it's a normal occurrence.

One other thing. Try to be careful the next guy is not similar to him.

It happens all too often that we continually make the same mistake.

[Whoa_Nelly]

11. Hi there

Apparently he has no place to go as of yet (re: saying he would be paying up and be out 16th-17th)
However, since he is on the lease, he has the right to stay through the end of the month.

You said you do have a place to go.

Start packing, and if there are items you don't want to give/share/divide, pack those up...you two aren't married.

Call the landlady today and let her know you both will be vacating by Nov. 30.

Move yourself out now and over the next few days. Don't stay there any longer than you have to. Go stay with your folks as soon as possible.
By making the first move there will be less chance that you will become snagged into his manipulative BS again, and possibly lengthening the time of this relationship to be over.

Meet with him if or as needed. Return to the house prior to the end date of the rent and make sure it is ready to be vacated per landlady's standards/requirements.

If any deposit is to be returned, and you were the one to put down that entire amount int he beginning, make sure that you are the one to receive it after all is done. If he asks (demands) any of it, and you can prove you were the one to write the initial deposit check and/or have the original receipt for same in your name, basically tell him to suck it up, or just ignore him.


Question: The $10K--is that all your own debt, or debt he also incurred? If it's partially his, do you have paperwork that shows his part in incurring it? Or is it money you have willingly put out over time to cover both your needs? Because if that is so, then you may have to just move on and let it go.

PM me if you want. Hang in there. Am glad you updated here.

You have my number. :hug:

[Arkansas Granny]

25. In addition to the advice you've given, I would suggest that pictures

be taken of the house and possibly a witness to state what condition it was in when it was vacated and have them available when the property is turned back over to the landlord. That way if any damage occurs to the property after the OP's things have been removed from the property she has a record of the state it was in when she left it.

[Whoa_Nelly]

27. Excellent piece of advice!

:thumbsup:

[Book Lover]

39. That's good advice

I'd take a snap every day actually; every time I moved a bit more of my stuff out of the house.

[Writer]

14. I have a feeling this guy is going to regret his decision very soon...

it seems his decision stems from his inability to handle his own personal stress (he works 7 days a week?) I think he needs to cut down on his work hours and see a therapist.

[Lady Freedom]

19. I've said that and got my head taken off (figuratively).

[Writer]

28. Yes, you very likely did.

Because he can't handle that stress and that stress is manifesting as anger. After he leaves, he'll understand what he's done, I'll bet.

[Blue Diadem]

15. So he'd work 7 days a week to build his own nest egg

and stick you with the bills? Honey, I know you're hurting but believe me, be happy that you didn't get to the point of marriage. My daughter married a male like that. She's nearly 6 yrs post divorce and still paying on credit cards from when they were married and is still buying everything for their daughter even though he's supposed to pay 50%. Him..he bought things like $1,000 radio instead of buying their baby a crib, a $20,000 tractor to cut grass and more guns & tools than anyone needs. He tells his daughter that Daddy's are for play and Mommy's are for buying everything.

Remember, what you purchased on your credit cards belongs to you. Don't let him have any of it. If you have to sell it, use the proceeds to pay down your credit..not split it with him.

Do you have anyone that can help you?

[Lady Freedom]

18. My parents can give me a roof to live under till I can graduate this Dec.,

And then it will be easier to get full time at the TV station.

[Blue Diadem]

30. You graduate in Dec?

Maybe with graduation, you won't have to stay with your parents too long. I don't know your situation with them, but I'm sure they want you safe and free from emotional abuse.

IIWY, I'd take Whoa-Nelly's and Arkansas Granny's advice about moving out asap.

Another thing I wanted to mention..once you get settled in your new life, you might want to consider checking into some form of consolidation loan. My daughter did that for her credit card debt from the marriage and was able to get an installment type loan with much lower interest. I think she has less than a year left before it's paid off.

[Roon]

44. there you go!!

Focus on your career. When you have a good job and a nice car, you will have to beat the men off with a stick. I know it's shallow......

[ThomCat]

37. "Daddy's are for play and MOmmy's are for buying everything."

x(

That guy needs to get his ass kicked.

Guys who refuse to pay child support are mooching off their children just to punish their ex's. :grr:

[Roon]

46. My Father always paid child support

My Mother was working at a car dealership for $3.35 an hour. I didn't appreciate it at the time, but I am sure glad he paid now. A few years later, my brother and sister moved in with my Father and my Father could have demanded child support from my Mother, but he didn't.He still however paid my Mother for my child support for me. By this time my Mother was making better money and she gave me the money my Father gave her..I had to buy my own food and clothes but it taught me a lot of the value of the dollar.

[Blue Diadem]

49. Can you believe a father would say that to his daughter?

My mouth dropped when my granddaughter told me that.

[Deep13]

20. Talk to a divorce lawyer...

...to make sure you don't get screwed. Any "nest egg" he accumulates while married may very well be part yours. I'm guessing he will be responsible for some part of the debt too. This isn't legal advice. I'm just saying what you need to explore.

[Lady Freedom]

22. We're not married...

:cry:

[Deep13]

24. Oops. Sorry, I confused you with a different thread.

He's still a moron.

[Lady Freedom]

26. We were suppose to get hitched after I graduate, but...

Edit: Wrong emoticon

[ThomCat]

38. I'm glad this happened now instead of after you got married.

It's clear that he's been using your relationship for his own benefit. You end up with the debt. You paid his expenses. You did all the work. And he just sucked everything he could out of you and the relationship.
x(

[Roon]

45. What Thomcat said...

be sure to get some dark glasses because you have a very bright future! :-)

[LSK]

21. does the dumbass know that when hes single he will still have to clean himself?

:wtf:

[Lady Freedom]

23. But he won't have Maverick and Polo in the way.

That will make it easier for him to keep a place "spec".

[Whoa_Nelly]

31. And he won't have you to kick around and blame.

Now that's a real plus! :hi:

Am 100% in your corner. :hug:

[Whoa_Nelly]

33. Hang in there!

You have a lot of friends here that support you!

[laylah]

34. I am so sorry for your

astronomical pain and I won't presume, or insult you, by giving advice. I will only tell you that I have been there, done that, and was better off in the long run for it. :hug: I am so sorry for your pain.

[SPKrazy]

36. Sorry Lady Freedom...

sounds sucky

:hug: :hug:

[cordelia]

40. I'm so very sorry you're dealing with this,

but run, and run like hell from this guy.

I work with a woman who seems to have married this guy's twin. It'll hurt now, but it will hurt a lot more later on, based on some things she has said. This guy has some serious mommy issues; don't know about your soon to be ex.

Positive vibes in your direction.

Please take good care of you.

Best.

[crispini]

41. I am just giving you a hug

:hug:

I would move out as soon as possible. I think you will be happier once you have taken the reins. :hug:

[Book Lover]

42. Some song lyrics for you

Free


Oh, what a word!
Oh, what a word!
Say it again.


Free!


I often thought,
I often dreamed how it would be--
And yet I never thought I'd be--
Once again.


Free!


But when you come to think of such things,
A man should have the rights that all others--
Can you imagine what it will be like when I am--
Can you see me?
Can you see me as a Roman with my head unbowed?
Sing it good and loud!


Free!


Like a Roman having rights and like a Roman proud?
Can you see me?


I can see you.


Can you see me, a reformer fighting graft and vice?
Sing it soft and nice!


Free!


Why, I'll be so consciencious that I may vote twice!
Can you see me?
Can you see me?
When I'm free to be whatever I want to be,
Think what wonders I'll accomplish then!
When the master that I serve is me and just me--
Can you see me being equal with my countrymen?
Can you see me being Pseudolus the citizen?
Can you see me being--give it to me once again--


Free!


Yes!


Free!


That's it!


Free!


Now, not so fast!
I didn't think--
The way I am,
I have a roof, three meals a day,
And I don't have to pay a thing.
I'm just a slave and everything's free.
If I were free, then nothing would be free!
And if I'm beaten now and then, what does it matter?


Free!


Can you see me?
Can you see me as a poet writing poetry?
All my verse will be--


Free.


A museum will have me pickled for posterity.
Can you see me?


I can see you.


Can you see me as a lover, one of great renown?
Women falling down--


Free?


No.
But I'll buy the house of Lycus for my house in town.
Can you see me?
Can you see me?
Be you anything from king to baker of cakes,
You're a vegetable unless you're free.
Such a little word, but oh, the difference it makes!
It's the necessary essence of democracy,
It's the thing that every slave should have the right to be,
And I soon will have the right to buy a slave for me.
Can you see him?
Well, I'll free him!
When a Pseudolus can move, the universe shakes,
But I'll never move until I'm free.
Such a little word, but oh, the difference it makes!
I'll be Pseudolus, the founder of a family,
I'll be Pseudolus, the pillar of society,
I'll be Pseudolus the man, if I can only be--


Free!


Sing it!


Free!


Spell it!


F-r- double--


No, the long way!


F-r-e-e!


Free!

[Roon]

I have been through this a couple of times in the last few years

That is why I am determined to stay single. The pain of breaking up with someone is a lot worse than the pain of being alone. Trust me. Find yourself a cool roommate to help with the rent/bills, work hard, go to parties, etc. Enjoy yourself.

[WolverineDG]

43. I'm still going through that thread

I saw it yesterday. :hug: I agree with everyone else: take his name & kick his ass out the door now. Don't wait until December 1. As for what you are going to do about "everything," stuff his clothes & sports crap in plastic bags & tell him you're taking everything else. You're $10K in the whole because of this asshat, right?

I work with victims of domestic violence, & this guy is ringing all kinds of bells. He is making all kinds of impossible demands, setting you up to fail so he can berate you some more. Don't put up with this shit. If you can get EVERYTHING out of that apartment behind his back (other than his clothes & sports shit), do it. (Refer back to the $10K debt).

Okay, now off to finish reading the original post.

dg

[Bucky]

48. Tell him he can pick up his stuff anytime. It'll be waiting for him on the lawn.

If you have any brothers or burly male friends, this would be a good time to invite them over to supervise the negotiations. He's being a dick as part of a power play.

[AnneD]

51. I haven't written anything yet ...

but I have read this post and the other one. Forgive the long post.

let me recap this relationship.....

You have a fire at the apartment
He can't find a job
you use YOUR student loan money to sustain the two of you leaving you with enormous debt (10K)
He finally got a job but developed a drinking problem
He got over his drinking problem and got a better job
You were suppose to get hitched after you graduated but YOU had to buy YOURSELF a promise ring for $100
You gave him a cell phone for Valentines Day and HE ran up a bill that you can't pay but because it is in your name YOU have to pay (with little or no help from him.
Even though you have paid for/ went into debt to put a roof over his head he does not 'allow' you closet or drawer space to put up your clothes
I am not sure whether is is off the lease but you have signed a lease together.

Now are you seeing a pattern in this relationship that all of us on this thread are seeing....HONEY HE IS JUST NOT IN TO YOU. No matter what fantasy life you were dreaming about is not going to happen. HE IS JUST NOT IN TO YOU.

First and foremost, this house cleaning issue is a red herring. It is a convenient excuse for him to dump you now that he perceives that he is doing better.

The lease-is he off it? If he is you have more say now than you think. If he IS off the lease, change the lock and let the landlord and maintenance know that he is not to enter. If he is still on it get him off or swallow your pride and move in with your parent. You have endured this jerk-your parent's can't be that bad. You don't want to rack up anymore debt over this bozo.

He wants to get off the lease so he can stick you with the bill. I bet if you stiffen your spine, he'll be happy to get out of the lease. But I repeat....DO NOT LET HIM STAY AND CHANGE THE LOCK. Pack up his personal belongings and let him pick them up from the managers office or door step and make sure you have apartment security there with you (believe me, they see this all the time).

And while he want to clear his bills but he has helped you rack up some bills. None of this sell everything and I give you half crap. If you gave it to him as a gift he can get it. If he gave it to you as a gift, it is yours. If you paid for it together you can split, but frankly I think you probably paid for most of the stuff (he seems too selfish). On that I would keep it, hold a garage sale, keep all the money and pay off YOUR debts. He might take you to court, but most judges can read this type of fellow.

Remember this is the business of breaking up so be as business like as possible. Get everything in writing and get receipts etc. and file them. It will help you later should you need. Take your name off ANY joint anything (phone bill, credit card, etc ASAP). He is a grown up and needs too pay his own way. (Wonder if he got some inheritance recently).

He will get furious, try to cajole you, sweet talk you, and blame you. Be prepared but be firm. Have a friend with you at all time you meet with him. It will strengthen and help protect you.

You have learned a very valuable lesson at a very early age. This is not how a real man acts and it isn't how some one that truly loves you acts.

A real man that really love you would:
work one or even 2 job to help pay the bills,
would have surprised you with a phone on Valentines Day-and if he did run up the bill it would be from calling you.
would have taken care of you pets even if he wasn't pet crazy.
would have surprised you with the a promise ring or even an engagement ring because he wouldn't want you to slip away
would have let you have all the closet space you needed because he would want your clothes to look nice because he takes pride in escorting you around.

How do I know this...because I fell for a selfish man, and unfortunately had a child by him. I am almost ready to close that chapter. When my daughter turns 18 I will have VERY little contact with the jerk.
I went on to find a wonderful real man that exceeded all my expectation. We have been married for 5 years now. The difference is night and day and I have never regretted leaving the selfish man. Well, really I have one regret.....THAT I DIDN'T DO IT SOONER. Best wishes