Open Letter to my Cats:

[TXlib]

Dear Pets:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come out the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine/Feline attendance has never been necessary.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other animal or your butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

In return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Our Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

[demnan]

1. My fellow cat co-dependant

I feel your pain. (Tired of picking the tail out of my breakfest cereal.)

[BlondieK143]

2. Does this count??

My dog thinks it's a cat. Kid you not, almost tried to meow as well. Can understand about the bathroom thing. Bubbles sticks her nose under the door while I'm in the tub. It's like if she stays there long enough, the door will suddenly lift up. *shakes head*

[NJCher]

3. well, I see they're reading

But they don't seem to be taking you real seriously.


Cher

[LWolf]

4. Love the rules.

I may post them.

The cats are reading over my shoulder, and they approve.

[latebloomer]

5. Great letter!

My cat's been working earnestly on that doorknob thing for about 12 years.

[SheilaT]

6. Best laugh in a long time!

My cats don't understand that humans don't see in the dark, and they love to hang out at the very top of the stairs. They get kicked, accidentally, but incredibly enough no human has yet fallen down the stairs after tripping on them.

[bubblesby2002]

7. Oh my god

Same birthdays and same cat problems. I think we live parallel lives. Do you mind if I show my girls (that is my kitties) your letter?

[TXlib]

9. Go for it.

[TXlib]

10. Oh, and it's not my letter.

It was forwarded to me in email.

[spooky3]

8. LOL! Very clever.