My brother threatened to kill himself on Friday night...

[A-Long-Little-Doggie]

again... He is 48 and has been an alcoholic since he was about 12. His drinking has cost him 2 families, including 6 kids, multiple jobs, and 18 months in prison. Every time we think he has hit that proverbial "bottom" he just comes back up long enough to find something else to fuck up. He was thrown out of his last house by his 2nd wife, and is not allowed to see his kids. He hasn't seen them for 5 months. She is a vindictive little bitch but I do have some understanding as to why she is doing this.

He has been living with/mooching off of one of my sisters since he was thrown out. She was out Friday night when all this happened, so he called another sister to tell her what he was doing. When sister1 got home he was in his room surrounded by sharp objects, but he only had a couple of scratches.

He has been in rehab 3 times THIS MONTH and has been detoxed each time. My sisters were able to get him into another rehab on Saturday. He told them he would be out by Sunday. As of today he is still there, but is still under the illusion that he is "cured". Clueless... We are looking into something called Section 35, which in Massachusetts gives blood relatives the ability to get alcoholics committed for 30 days. He is already flipping out about that. And my sister has told him that he will not be able to live with her any more. He is bombarding both of these 2 sisters with all kinds of guilt-trip stuff. But I know for sure that he would never ask to live with me, for reasons you can probably figure out.

So why am I writing all of this?? I don't really know. I feel so helpless, but pissed at the same time. He has played the victim card since he was a child, and on some level that must be getting to me.

Any words of wisdom are greatly appreciated...:cry:

[Perseid]

1. short term rehab is not likely to help here

there is a place in NM that is a two year rehab that works.

Let me know if you want more info.

[A-Long-Little-Doggie]

2. I would like more info

Like who pays for this? Does standard insurance pay for the 2 years? And when you say it works how do you measure that?

[Perseid]

7. they take standard insurance coverages as well as medicaid

Working is obviously a subjective measure, but I've seen numerous (more than a dozen) people walk out of this place with a totally different outlook. It is not an easy place. It is in the middle of nowhere, and people have to work a farm as well as maintain jobs. It's not for everyone, but it does seem to "work" for many.

[BlueIris]

3. No offense, but I think there are probably better places to post this than the Lounge.

Don't we have an addiction forum here? You might even be better off calling a crisis line or something.

Good luck. Sounds horrible. And it sounds as if you and your family are going to have to decide when to cut him out of your lives permanently (and not feel guilty about it). Do you have a therapist?

[A-Long-Little-Doggie]

4. Sorry... I have seen threads asking for support in the Lounge

so that's were I went.

And I do have a therapist, as does all of my 5 sisters. We all have issues of one sort or another.

I am OK, don't need any special support, just trolling for good vibes and ideas.

[BlueIris]

6. Hon, I think you need all kinds of support.

More than you're likely getting now. And trust me when I tell you it's the kind you're not going to get in the Lounge.

[A-Long-Little-Doggie]

10. I am feeling some love!!

this is an ongoing issue that my therapist is very much in the loop on. Seriously, I am OK. I just want this to either be fixed or go away...

[Ptah]

5. Good vibes on the way.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

8. Wish I had words of wisdom...

All I have are hugs... :hug::hug::hug:

[Inchworm]

9. I have hugs for you

I hope you guys get through this.

:hug:

[Ellen Forradalom]

11. You can vent to us

BlueIris does have a point, you can probably get better advice in the addiction & recovery forum (lots of really good folks there who have BTDT) but you can always count on us for vibes.

[TrogL]

12. Al Anon

[Ariana Celeste]

14. seconded

There's really nothing that you can do for him, but you can do for yourself. If you aren't religious (I'm not) ignore the God/Higher Power aspect of it. It really helps to be able to talk with people going through the same kinds of situations, and to listen to people who are going through (or have gone through) worse, for a bit of perspective. To support and be supported. I went to Alateen and Al-Anon regularly with my mom when I was a teenager and Al-Anon really helped. (Our local Alateen however was full of younger children and only a couple of teens, and felt more like I was being babysat.)

[FloridaJudy]

19. thirded

You can't help someone until he or she is ready to be helped. Al-Anon will at least give you a support group of other people who know what you're going through, and may have suggestions about coping.

You don't have to be religious to attend. Just knowing that you don't have to go through this alone is a huge help.

In the meantime, here's a hug: :hug:

[raccoon]

29. Here's another vote for Al Anon.

And best wishes to you and your sibs.

[Haole Girl]

13. Good vibes and hugs for you...

Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom. Except, maybe, for you to try and realize it's not your fault if your brother won't do what he needs to do (to get better). It's a terrible place to be (for you and everyone in your family)... I do know that.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Shine]

15. I'm sorry you're having to go through this

and I wish you, your brother and your family all the best. Alcoholism destroys families. :(

:hug:

[applegrove]

16. Sorry you are going through such a tough time.

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

17. Have you suggested AA to him?

It's often the only thing that works in cases like this. Don't ask me how I know..........but I do.
Of course, he has to be willing to go and LISTEN

[A-Long-Little-Doggie]

18. He has been to AA more times than I can count

He told my parents about a month ago that he found a new AA group that he really liked. C'est la vie... I like the idea of having him in a center where he would be in therapy 24/7. Being in jail for 18 months was a good thing for a while. No therapy but no alcohol either. He did well for a while after he got out.

[Swede]

20. You guys have a handful all right.

Good luck,I don't have any advice. Just good wishes.

[UncleSepp]

21. Baker Act his ass

If he's threatening harm to himself, and he's serious, getting him committed at least for observation could save his life. If he's not, then it will damned sure make him think twice about suicide threats.

[prolesunited]

22. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear

But sometimes we can't save people from themselves.

My brother had addiction problems for years and finally committed suicide at 40 after losing his job and his girlfriend after many second chances.

I know this may sound harsh, but you can't let the drowning victim pull you down with them. Save yourself first.

[UTUSN]

23. Bless all of you family for having hung in there for so long.

I don't know what else to say.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

24. No words of wisdom...comforting thoughts ---and prayers for you

all :hug:

[BlackVelvet04]

25. I would suggest that you and your sisters all go to

Al-Anon. As long as there are enablers he will never have to get serious about getting help.

I hope he can be helped but I know not all alcoholics can.

[SoCalDemGrrl]

26. Seems like a serious case of bipolar. Get him some talk therapy first then

try to find a good psych who can get him the meds he needs.

His abuse of drugs is an attempt at self medication and the
suicide attempt is typical of untreated bi-polar disorder.

Sounds like he has never been properly diagnosed and followed by a professional.

Even though he is 48, he can still be helped.

[A-Long-Little-Doggie]

27. He is still in the psych hospital and won't be released until

Thursday or Friday. He does have a counselor that he hates, so we are thinking that it sounds he has the right counselor for him. The counselor and the hospital are going to have a "family meeting" within the next couple of days, before he is released. I am planning on kicking butt, not just with my brother but also with the sisters who have been enabling him. I may not be able to save him but he is not taking my sisters down with him.

BTW, both sisters who are enabling him are very religious. I think that they are praying alot for him, like that is going to help.:banghead:

I am not of the religious persuasion myself and I will need to get them to see the reality of the situation and help them see how they are not helping him or themselves. I spoke to one of them last night, and she told me that she has been crying for a day and a half because she "committed" her brother. Jeebus...

***Thanks to all of you for your kind words and suggestions. They have been very helpful.***

[Phillycat]

28. Stop helping him.

All of you. You are prolonging this. Everyone needs to cut him off immediately. He might still die, but you are all making it worse.

I know that sounds horrible, but I'm a recovering alcoholic and if I'd had any way to manipulate other people into enabling my drinking, I'd still be drunk now. I had to run out of options, and he does too. Stop putting him in rehab, stop LETTING HIM LIVE WITH ANY OF YOU, for god's sakes. That is lunacy. Throw him out on the street and make him fend for himself. He's 48, he's a grown man. There's nothing uniquely wrong with him; he's a garden variety alcoholic and if he's been to rehab, he knows what the solution is. If he doesn't want it, nothing any of you do can make him want it. The only thing you all are doing is making his life easier so he can continue to drink. Let him have more consequences. It may lead to his death, but at least you will know you didn't help him along, the way you are now.

[A-Long-Little-Doggie]

31. I am going to copy and paste this into an email to my sisters.

I threw him out of my life a long time ago. But having 6 sisters gives him many more options than most alcoholics have. 3 of my sisters still think that they can fix him. He knows better than to try that shit on the other 3 of us.

Thanks for giving me a real-world look and a much-needed slap upside the head. I hope the counselor who will be conducting the family meeting says the same things you are saying. But if he doesn't I will.

[Phillycat]

32. The scary part is the "he might die anyway" part.

That's the part that most people aren't willing to face. I knew a guy who was a junkie and after he OD'd three times, his mother let him come home to live, provided he didn't do heroin. He locked himself in his bedroom and detoxed, then lived with his mom for the next 10 years and to my knowledge is still living with her. He doesn't work, he smokes pot all day every day, she buys him his weed and his toilet paper and deoderant and Burger King and cigarettes. When people ask her WHY she lets him stay there and live this waste of a life, she says, "I just couldn't survive another day waiting for the phone to ring and someone to tell me my son was dead." She consigned him to a half-life by enabling his addiction, rather than face her fear of losing her son. Which, can you really blame her? I don't know. I certainly don't judge her, or your sisters, for not being willing to face the fact that their loved one might die. Is half-life better than no life at all?

I don't know the answers to any of these questions. But I DO know this - the only way for an alcoholic to have a REAL life, rather than a half-life like your brother has, or death, is sobriety. There are several ways to get and stay sober and your brother has been exposed to all of them, judging by what you posted on this thread. AA is the way that I've stayed sober for 4 years. But I respect any way that will keep an alcoholic sober, I don't judge those things.

I wish you strength. Try to remember that a cornered, desperate alcoholic is at his most manipulative. He will pull out all the stops. Remember that you are talking to an addiction, not to your brother. He can't communicate with you right now, only the addiction can. And the addiction will kill your brother for more alcohol. The addiction will rob your family, both financially and emotionally. The addiction has no conscience. Your brother is not there right now! You are facing a disease, a disease that tells your brother he doesn't have a disease. Absolutely the most helpful and LOVING thing you all can do for him right now is to let him go down. Only then will he be able to be honest with himself. Love to you and your family.

[BlueIris]

30. I don't think you should make any decisions until you've consulted with (more) professionals,

but I think you're going to have to start thinking about where to draw the line. For good. I would have drawn it about thirty years ago, mostly because I know that addicts, especially ones who have relapsed as many times as your brother has, don't choose sobriety as long as anyone is there to enable them, but that's me.

Continued best of luck getting the information and the support you need.