How to Poop at work

[Lostmessage]

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom

[Parrcrow]

1. LOL Words to live by

thanks for the invaluable, but often overlooked, procedures
:hurts: <----and finally an excuse to use this smiley

[YouMustBeKiddingMe]

2. ROTFL!

At my office we issue "skid alerts" if necessary to avoid certain stalls.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

3. Great...now I have to visit the facilities...

I knew I shouldn't have clicked on this thread. LOL Just kidding...
Duckie

[foreigncorrespondent]

4. ROFLMAO

These ones had me in stitches:

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

Thanks for posting this Lostmessage. I needed a laugh today. :)

[Lostmessage]

5. Your welcome

I can always use a laugh.

[xray s]

6. Don't forget the 'Crop Duster'

A series of short farts in succession while someone is walking to the restroom. Can be disguised by taking sharp 90 degree evasive maneuvers.

[foreigncorrespondent]

7. ROFLMAO (n/t)

[Nlighten1]

8. One of my favorites...

talking about poop is funny...always..

[bubblesby2002]

9. LMAO

I always knew, if I waited long enough, there would be a thread about anal related things - one of my favorite topics.

[LastKnight]

10. i love this...

funny as hell... especially the havana omlet...

and thiers a few uncle ted's at my school and a bunch of out of the closet poopers, it is oddly this way. too uncomfortable seemingly.

-LK

[markses]

11. Absolutely dead on perfect

I have used all of these strategies, which I always thought were my brilliant invention. The fly-by often works in conjunction with the safe haven strategy.

Off subject: Right after 9/11 (I work in Lower Manhattan), I had an emergency session. I was convinced that I would die there, on the toilet, when a plane cut through the building. Oh, the humiliation!

[JVS]

12. Always poop at work. It's on the company's time.

[Lostmessage]

16. It has to be at their expense

LOL

[scarlet_owl]

13. Thanks for the tips.

Good thing I'm a homemaker. I do have IBS, so I have employed several of the techniques at one time or another when I was working outside of my home. At work poopers sit tall!

[Lostmessage]

15. Your welcome

I have more.

[Elidor]

14. Watermelons and Havana Omelets can be somewhat

disguised by the Courtesy Flush. The Jailbreak can never be successfully covered up unless a train or airliner happens by next to the office. The Jailbreak is the primary reason for the Walk of Shame.

You forgot the Toxic Green Cloud, which lingers, waiting for a victim. And the Toxic Avenger - a person who delights in leaving Toxic Green Clouds for others to suffer. We have an Avenger at my office. We have established an elaborate communication network to track his every move about the building.

[Beaker]

20. what would you call this...?

I was working on a high-rise construction project at the east end of North pier in chicago, it was my job to guide the concrete trucks to back up to the bucket, and fill it up to be hoisteed to the deck that was being poured...there were 2-3 of us down there at any one time, and rather than use the plastic outhouse "Port-o-lets", we'd use the public washrooms in the north pier shopping mall...one of the other two guys was also the labor steward(and coke supplier- but that's another story) for the jobsite, and we had a sort of unofficial "contest" to see who could leave the longest unbroken turd floating in the men's room toilet. I swear, after a couple days of beef and sausage sandwiches of the garbage scow(the best term I ever heard for the catering truck) I could routinely pinch off loafs that were longer than my shoe- and I wear a size 16.

[skippysmom]

17. I am all about the safe havens

where I can read and do my business in peace!

[soleft]

18. This totally cracked me up

must disseminate widely

[Beaker]

19. some people sure are anal about their defecations...

what's the big deal about taking a crap at work?
I've always found it to be a great way to squeeze in(or out?) a couple extra breaks everyday...and I can read the newspaper in peace.