Confronting Partner's Racism?

[durutti]

Hey all,

Long time, no post. I'm seeking folks' advice concerning how to deal with some problems concerning my girlfriend's prejudices.

We've been together for about a year and two months. She's much less politically involved than I am, and not consciously ideologically or philosophically committed to much of anything. That's usually fine, but lately it's produced some problems.

I say "consciously" because, well, I don't think that anyone's really free of ideology. When people say they lack a personal philosophy, they really mean that they adhere (albeit not usually in an intellectually coherent way) to the ideas of the status quo in some version or another. And I would say that those ideas usually include prejudices of various sorts.

This morning, we were joking around, making fun of 30 Days of Night, which we'd just seen -- particularly the way the vampires in the movie talked. In the course of the conversation, she mimicked it with something sounding like the way the !Kung San in Africa incorporate clicking souinds into their language (think "Starvin' Marvin" from South Park).

She said something about sounding like an "Ethiopian", and I pointed out that it sounded more like an African language with clicking noises. She said, "That's the point."

I pointed out that Ethiopians don't really speak like that, and she replied that she was "trying to be funny, not politically correct."

This struck me as terribly racist -- along the same lines as calling all Asians "Chinese". And I absolutely detest the use of the term "politically correct" in that fashion, amounting to a declaration that racism shouldn't be taken seriously.

I was visibly distressed, and she wondered why. After some pressing, I just told her that she wouldn't understand.

There have been other instances like this -- her calling undocumented workers "illegal" (not even "illegal immigrants", just "illegal"), for example.

I'm not sure how to deal with this. I care a lot about her, but I have no stomach for bigotry. And I don't want to seem like a drag.

Thoughts?

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

1. She probably thought you were being a smartass.

She made a geography error, big deal.

I think there's a difference between being racist and confusing central africa with east africa.

Are you unhappy with the relationship and looking for excuses?

[durutti]

4. That's possible.

Part of my reason for posting was to see whether or not I was just making a mountain out of a molehill.

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

5. I think you really are.

For example, I can agree that the term "illegal" isn't a good one. But it's part of the vernacular, and not realy racist.

[Phillycat]

2. I don't get it. Ethopia is in Africa.

Can you be more clear here?

[SteppingRazor]

3. I gotta tell ya, I don't see the big deal.

So she referred to illegal immigrants as "illegals."

So she mimicked an African language for a laugh.

You could do WAY worse. And while I think that's kind of a cheap joke, at the same time, if comedy had to be sensitive, it wouldn't be funny.

[Bucky]

6. Politically correct is the most overly used (to the point of being useless) phrases

I'd be more worried about the banality of her feedback than the racism of it. After all, she's not treating race lightly, only treating foreign cultures lightly. So it's ethnocentrism at work, not racism per se. With the comment "illegals" too, it's more a case of being glib rather than being hateful.

"Racism" is a pretty loaded term. I'd definitely avoid tossing that gem into a discussion about your discomfort. I assume that the fact that you've dated her a year that she's not an outright racist. She's superficial about something you think matters a whole lot, and that's a bummer. But if she were truly hateful I doubt, judging from the way her casual comments bother you and from the way you seem to be deeply invested in the success of the relationship, that she is a hateful person.

Always remember Hanlon's Law: never ascribe to malice that which can be explained by ignorance. Letting her know, in an unloaded fashion, that some insensitivies aren't cool with you may go a long way toward making her more aware of how her language makes you feel.

[Deep13]

7. "I just told her that she wouldn't understand."

You can't expect her to understand if you don't tell her. Besides, you're over reacting. As she said, she was trying to be funny, not make an anthropologically correct statement.

By the way, illegal aliens are illegal. To be legally present in this country, one must be documented.