So, if your buddy dumps a girl after a three month relationship - is she fair game?

[HEyHEY]

My buddy dumped his woman the other week... now she's seeming to trying to get with me.
He dumped her, is this still hands off?

[reyd reid reed]

1. It is if you're smart.

If he just dumped her and he's your buddy, she might be trying to use you to piss him off.

Just watch out.

[HEyHEY]

2. Yeah, I knew the answer without even having to ask it....

God dammit...

[billyoc]

3. Of course she is.

[some guy]

4. I'd say

if you want to date her, date her (asuming she is willing.)

If it turns into drama between you, her, and your buddy you can always decide which one of them you want to dump.
If it turns out you like the buddy better than you do her, you can dump her. If itturns out you like her better than the buddy, you can dump him.

:shrug:

Live your life for you, don't let your buddies control you.

[porphyrian]

5. Yep, unless he dumped her because she's got a really mean boy/girlfriend. -n/t

[MazeRat7]

6. No she is not fair game. Honor your friendship....

If your "friend" dumped her... let her go out of respect for your friendship.

MZr7

[pokerfan]

8. As Michael Scott says, "Bros before Hos!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7BXpXLQK6FU

[zonkers]

7. Hit it.

Blame it on the booze. But seriously, if you really like her, maybe you guys were meant to hook up. And in the long run, your friend might be cool about it. Time is a funny thing.

[Jimbo S]

9. What's the "Man Law" on this?

Wait six months if she is drop-dead gorgeous.

[skyblue]

16. A lot of guys will f anything that moves. good to see that some have standards.

:sarcasm:

[Blue-Jay]

10. Go for it!

If you're lucky, maybe you'll find out why he dumped her.

[SouthoftheBorderPaul]

11. I'd give it a couple of weeks to let things cool down.

It'd be a little insensitive to ask about her right away. Then bring it up to him and ask his thoughts about it. There's no hard and fast rule. Some guys may be bothered by it; others may not be. In theory, since he ended it, he should be alright with you dating her, but things can be complicated too.

On the other hand, if she's trying to get with you to piss him off, I'd be wearing of getting involved with someone with petty and malicious motives.

[flvegan]

12. What was the split like?

Your buddy dumped her, not vice versa.

Swing for the upper decks.

[HEyHEY]

25. He dumped her

Ad I think she was shocked. I really need to talk to him.

[MrCoffee]

73. then hit it. he dumped her. she's on the rebound. hit it.

[Bucky]

79. Amen, but make sure you manipulate her into thinking she's getting revenge sex

Then later don't ever call her again. If you don't turn this into a self-sabotaged fucked up situation, you're passing up a gem of an opportunity.

[ohiosmith]

13. Damn right she's fair game. I never lost a true friend because one or the other hit an ex.

Or even a current.

[skyblue]

14. I'm leaning towards your friendship first, but find out why he dumped her first and gauge it

from there if you can do so without hinting that you might like to date her. He might just not be ready for a serious relationship yet??? Aside from that how do you know she's not jumping on you because she wants to make him jealous. There's a shitload of people out there so zooming in on her because it's easy without shopping around is probably not a good idea. Shop around first.

[Phillycat]

15. Never date a friend's ex.

Never.

[tigereye]

27. several of my women friends are now married to exes of mine!

:rofl:

it's actually fine.


Oh and we were in a band together, too. That makes it more fun! :crazy:

[Phillycat]

29. Wait...were you in Fleetwood Mac?

:rofl:

I guess it works out for some other people but I value my friendships too highly to even take that chance.

[tigereye]

31. no - wrong era

we are all still good friends...

[guitar man]

17. ask your bud

be up front with him. If he gives you the green light, hit it :evilgrin:

[SteppingRazor]

18. How about talking to your buddy first?

:shrug:

[KG]

19. i'd hit it!

:hi:

[Ellen Forradalom]

20. Yes she is; but give it some time

to make sure the split is final, so you don't get drawn into a drama.

[Sequoia]

21. Three months isn't that long.

I'd talk to your friend first. These sorts of things happen quite often, a friend dumbs a date and the other friend dates her/him. Heck, I've known guys who go through sisters.

[swag]

22. Yeah, she's fair game. Go ahead and call Bob Novak and tell him she works for the CIA.

[bikebloke]

23. Find out if she's loopie first.

Being a freak magnet, I wouldn't want mates to hook up with someone I managed to escape from.

[HEyHEY]

24. Well, I'm not looking for a lasting relationship

And niether is she.

[JVS]

46. You are foolish to believe you can tell that she isn't looking for a LTR

Even if she says she isn't, she might be lying. And then you end up with a turd of a LTR on your hands

[triguy46]

26. The constant in this equation is the girl...

the variable is the guy, first your friend, and now potentially you. What did she do/say/not do/not say/burn/bite/wreck/steal/loan/borrow/cheat/swindle that he would dump her but you would find OK?

In sexual health terms, if they were sexually active, and you and the girl become sexually active, you will be sleeping with him as well as her. Might want to consider your friend's past. What goes around comes around, and many never leave.

[LanternWaste]

28. The code stipulates she's off limits...

The code stipulates she's still off limits regardless of who did the dumping.

Seriously though-- if you want to hook up with her, good form dictates you run it by him first... I've been there on both sides at one time or another, and it will cut down on a LOT of ill-will.

[hisownpetard]

30. Ask him! n/t

[MissMillie]

32. If I were her I'd be nervous that the 2 of you would compare notes

but I guess she doesn't seem to be bothered by that possibility.

Still, I think unless your buddy okay's it, I'd steer clear.

[Connonym]

42. yup, the last guy I dated was friends with a guy I dated a year ago

and I always had an uneasy feeling that they compared notes.

[JVS]

47. I would totally compare notes. I'd want tips for how to deal with the shit that's coming up

[Connonym]

49. I did eventually ask that #2 not discuss our sex life with #1

because that was just sort of creepy

ETA -- even though I *know* both would give me excellent scores :-P

[JVS]

51. How about "Don't tell #2 how to win arguments with me"

[Deep13]

33. That's up to her.

I guess it strikes me as pretty misogynistic that your friend would expect to have any interest in the matter. He ended his interest in the matter, so how exactly is this a betrayal of your friend? Just because a relationship ends does not mean she is branded with shame or anything.

[kay1864]

38. Yes, Hello!?

I don't understand the "get your buddy's OK" stuff. Last time I saw that was in an episode of LA Law almost 20 years ago.

[Withywindle]

40. I know, right?

Harsh news to possessive men: most women do not enter convents after you dump them. If she wants to go straight from The Talk to a hot date with an entire rock band (YOUR FAVORITE BAND) without even changing her clothes, that's now officially her business and none of yours.

[Connonym]

43. I don't look at it that way at all

I've had female friends ask me if I minded if they dated a guy I used to date. It's not about asking the other person for permission to date, it's about trying to be considerate to a friend and asking them if it would harm your friendship with them if you dated their ex. Especially when a break up is recent I think it's polite to consider that your friend might find it uncomfortable. Ultimately the decision isn't theirs but if you value your friendship you should at least ask.

[JVS]

48. It's not about him not wanting people to date her, it's about him being...

comfortable with this person being still in his social circle despite the fact that he tried to give her the old heave-ho. Imagine Joe and I are buddies. If I dump Mary and Joe starts dating her, then I might have to deal with Mary because I deal with Joe. But if I fucking hate Mary's stinking lying guts, then I no longer want to see her ever again, and as a consequence Joe and I really can't be friends anymore.

[Withywindle]

52. I think that depends on how the breakup went.

All my breakups but one have been more-or-less amicable, so I don't really get that feeling of adamantly never wanting to see the person again. If that's common in his social circle, then there's other issues going on, IMO. He needs to know what kind of breakup it was. Also, were there mutual friends? Unless there was something really horrible, like abuse going on, it's really unfair and childish to ask your friends to take sides.

[JVS]

53. " it's really unfair and childish to ask your friends to take sides"

Yes it is because your friends shouldn't need to be asked. They should KNOW whose side they are on and there should be no doubt. If you don't at least ask your buddy "Are you 'see you around'-broken up, or 'you're dead to me'-broken up with her?" then you're not a buddy at all

[Withywindle]

56. Huh? I don't get that at all.

Granted, most of my dating situations have been long-term things within big networks of mutual friends. It's a terrible position to be in, where you've known both members of the couple for a long time and you have to "choose." For me, as one of said mutual friends, being asked to vilify or ignore someone I like just because they couldn't work it as a couple is a deal-breaker on a friendship.

[JVS]

57. Well fine, then you've made your choice

The whole point of the code is that there is no terrible situation, because the code tells you how to deal with it.

[Withywindle]

58. I don't even know you!

:evilgrin:

Peace. I'm adamant about this. Civil relations with exes and their subsequents are a cornerstone of civilized society.

[JVS]

61. No way. A curse upon exes! A curse upon every generation of their house!

[Phillycat]

68. Exactly. If you've seen me naked and we're not together anymore,

you're dead to me.

[HEyHEY]

77. See, no matter how the breakup went, there's always emotion involved

[Deep13]

60. Decide not to hate her stinking guts.

After all, in this fact pattern, the friend did the dumping. Seems like she has better grounds for stinking-gut hating than him. In any event, part of maturity is to accept that things change in ones life and not to take it personally.

[JVS]

63. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard

You don't decide whether to hate someone's stinking guts. You either do or you don't. A friend respects his friend's feelings.

[Deep13]

65. Yes, I do. n/t

[JVS]

66. So your tastes are a matter of choice rather than a natural like or dislike?

Can you stop hating someone at the drop of a hat?

[Deep13]

69. Tastes? I said I can decide not to hate someone.

I don't know if I would say at the drop of a hate. I do know the difference between my problem and other people's problems. I would not expect someone else to be responsible for my feelings when he is doing nothing wrong. Deciding that someone is somehow morally flawed and hating her simply because she does not get along with me would be a pretty egotistical and arrogant assumption.

To people who take that view, my unsolicited advice: grow the fuck up.:nopity: :eyes:

[HEyHEY]

76. Dude, it IS up to her, but it's ALSO up to my friend if he wants to speak to me after.

[JVS]

82. Godfather, you understand everything

[Taverner]

34. Circumstances. Circumstances.

If they were engaged during the 3month ship, then no

If it just didn't work out, then yes

[Withywindle]

35. If she wants to go for it, I'd say a guarded 'yes.'

If HE dumped HER, he's forfeited his "claim"--he doesn't get a vote on who she does or doesn't date. (to quote Wayne's World, "That's what broke up MEANS.") He set her free, period, and she is free, period. (My take on it is that the dumpER should act with some discretion, but the dumpEE is entitled to whatever gets him/her through the night.)

For your own sanity, though, you might want to give it a waiting period. Being a rebound fling isn't the best dating position to be in, and you might want to do a little poking around to find out exactly why they broke up. Be sure to get both sides of the story!

[JVS]

50. His dumping doesn't change anything

He might have dumped her because she was pissing him off. And aligning yourself with someone who pisses him off is a betrayal.

Now if he dumped her just to move to greener pastures and doesn't mind her being in his circle of friends anymore, then dating her does not jeapardize the friendship.

[Withywindle]

54. I disagree - it changes EVERYTHING.

Face it: the dumpER has gotten what s/he wanted (the relationship ending) and the dumpEE didn't (the relationship to continue). So the dumpee gets some consolation prizes, and that just might include the right to go after whoever s/he had his/her eye on before but refrained because of being involved. Also, presumably the dumpee is grieving and the dumper isn't (at least not as much), so the dumper has a responsibility to act with a little more discretion for a little while. Also, if the dumpER immediately starts dating one of the dumpee's friends, the obvious conclusion is that the dumping happened because of the attraction, and questions arise as to whether anything happened before, and being dumped FOR one of your friends is definitely a deal-breaker for both relationships.

But I do agree that it's very important to find out why the breakup happened, and how both of them really feel about it. Both sides of the story are essential.

[JVS]

55. Dumping someone is often a distant second to droping a nuke on them

Which is sadly illegal.

Don't assume that the dumper has gotten what he/she wanted.

[Withywindle]

59. Sounds like we both have issues.

Who doesn't? :shrug:


Even that one bad ex...well, I genuinely don't wish him any harm. May the Lord and Lady bless and keep him...far away from me.

[redqueen]

36. I would think so.

She's single, you're single.

I don't get all the drama.

[NewJeffCT]

37. Is it that hot Japanese girl you mentioned the other day?

I'd be salivating over the opportunity, if it was.

But, I'd probably casually mention it to your buddy - if he's a close buddy.

[HEyHEY]

78. I wish. Her BF is in Japan and I don't know him

That'd make things easier

[Throd]

39. Think with your big head, not the little one.

She is just being vindictive.

[Xithras]

41. I'm married to my friends ex.

He's not my friend any more, but she's my wife.

So here's a question for you: Did I win, or lose, by dating his ex?

Here's my suggestion. If you're just looking at dating her for fun, skip it. You'll end up losing her AND the friend over what...a short lived romp? On the other hand, you do know this girl, and have been around her for a while. If you REALLY think that there's chemistry between the two of you and suspect that something very serious could develop, then go for it.

But without some kind of evidence that there's something really there, I wouldn't bother. She could just be looking to shag you to torque your friend off.

[eyepaddle]

44. Ask yourself, "what's the worst that can happen?"

If that looks like it's a higher price than you can pay, then don't.

I've had a several exes take up with my buddies. I've universally detested it, and loathed the parties involved. In a few cases I've gotten past it, and were again on friendly terms, but it can take close to a decade to get there.

If you and your friend share interests and activities, the new situation may make that very awkward.

[JVS]

45. Ask your buddy's blessing and treasure his wisdom.

There are just so many possibilities and you should be careful. You should know the following

1. What is wrong with her that made him dump her in the first place.
2. How'd she take being dumped
3. relating to #2, could this be an attempt to get back at him for dumping him
4. Will it not be cool with you and your buddy's relationship if you pork her?


I'd stay away and tell her "I'm not taking crumbs from my buddy's table"

[Bucky]

62. Good God, man! Don't shoot her!

No human being is fair game. What a sick suggestion.

[JVS]

64. Hammer, don't hurt him!

[texas1928]

67. One word of caution...

She may be trying to get with you so that she can keep him in her life. So be careful you don't get used by her.

[johnnie]

70. Why wait till they dump 'em?

That's my motto. B-)

[skyblue]

81. cause you might get your ass kicked i suppose.

imo what you say does happen all the time. In most instances except perhaps for the case of abuse it isn't right.

[Bennyboy]

71. Bros not Hos....... bro.....

Don't do it.

[MadHound]

72. Dude, run, don't walk away from this one.

Waaay to many complications with this and there are plenty more fine women out there.

[malta blue]

74. Nope. nt

[midlife_mo_Jo]

75. He dumped her after a three month relationship

Life is too short. Go for it, but be prepared that she may be dating you to make him jealous.

She's either his, or she isn't (figuratively speaking, not ownership speaking).

And it's not like she's an ex-wife whom he fought in a bitter divorce.

[Wcross]

80. Does your buddy scream when he takes a leak?

Seriously, I need to know before I can answer the question.

[DarkTirade]

83. No, but her mom is.

... just sayin'.

[Recovered Repug]

84. This may help

http://youtube.com/watch?v=faQYGfUtv78