Just learned about a rotten thing my father did before he died.

[IdaBriggs]

I loved the man, but he was frequently an ass. We were in the middle of a huge fight where we didn't speak for six months prior to his *finally* apologizing, and I just learned he asked my brother to make sure I *wasn't* invited for Family Christmas. My brother, being a fool, did as he asked, and he and I haven't been on good terms since -- of course, this same brother asked me not to come to my father's funeral, too, and that was the "final" straw as far as I was concerned for civil relations.

All this time I thought my brother was being a jerk all on his own, and now to find out my father set it up. Its sad. Our "family" Christmas is held the Saturday at least a week before "regular" Christmas, and he was diagnosed with his terminal cancer two days before "real" Christmas, so he had no way of knowing it would be the last holiday he would be alive. It was also the first "family Christmas" without one of my sisters, who had died the previous year a few days *after* Christmas.

Well, at least now I know why he didn't want to give a "detailed" apology before he died (when we made peace three weeks before he died), but did a generic "I've done some rotten things, and I'm sorry" thing.

What a rotten thing to ask my brother (who had proudly declared his house "neutral territory" for years), and what a shameful thing my brother did by going along with it.

I'm still processing. Sigh.

And before people try to beat me up over not speaking to the man, we were fighting over whether or not my then 18 year old heroin addict niece should be drug tested as a condition of driving the car he was giving her (after she'd rolled the previous one while strung out on drugs, and was still using in front of the entire family, despite her protests of being "clean"). I felt then (and still do) that it was a matter of life-and-death, and have no regrets over the stand I took.

[ThomCat]

1. Sometimes it is good policy to avoid investing too much in family.

:(

[IdaBriggs]

2. My brother and I have been at odds over this situation now for 2-1/2 years

three years formally in March. At least now I know why he doesn't want to 'fess up and apologize.

I really feel worse for him than I do for myself at the moment. It was a rotten thing for my dad to do to him. He always wanted my father's approval, and now he's at war with me, my father's dead, and my mother is mad at him (and my father, but he's dead) for not making peace with me. (I keep insisting I want an apology, and won't celebrate "family Christmas" at his home until I get one.)

Sigh. At the same time, he keeps telling himself he didn't do anything wrong....

[dembotoz]

3. relatives can be bastards

the fact that they are dying often does not change that

[Suich]

4. Sounds like the apple (your brother)

didn't fall far from the tree (your father.) I'm sorry you're going through this. I have minimal contact with an older sister and a younger brother and I'm fine with it.

btw, I agree with you on your 18 year old heroin addict niece being drug tested.

:hi:

[hippywife]

5. What a coincidence!

I've been using the word ass to describe the man that calls himself my father for the past week. I have vowed never to speak with him again as his antics last week were the final straw for me. He was always abusive in every possible way (except sexually) and he's still at it even though I'm now 49 years old. I'm done.

I know how hard it is, Ida. I wish you peace in your heart and mind. :hug: :hug: :hug: