Need Advice. Friend's sister in love with older man/bisexual

[romantico]

My friend's sister is having trouble with her new boyfriend (not sure if thats what I should call him yet)Saturday night she filled me in a little but then sent me an email last night explaining her problem. Thought I'd share this and see what kind of responses I get. My advice was simple. Go for it. You could be letting someone great slip by. Did I give the right advice? Heres her email.

"Okay, heres my problem. Any advice would be helpful.

I'm a 20 year old girl who has met a 38 year old man. Only thing is, this 38 year old man is not like most men his age. First, he doesn't look his age and second he doesn't act it. When you first see him you would guess he is in his late 20's early 30's.He's just way too hip and is into stuff someone my age is into (movies,music,video games,trends,etc.) Having said all that,I need to add that he is also extremely mature. He can talk about video games and the current movie or whats hot on MTV and then turn and quote great poets,talk politics,history,refer to classic literature, and even talk science and economics.

Now that you know a little about him you should know that he likes me. ALOT. I am very confused and am not sure I am thinking clearly. I think I should list pro's and con's and them tell you my concerns. The Good: He showers me with attention. Its like no one else is around when we are together. He makes me laugh. He tells me that I bring out the fool in him. When I ask him a question he gives me a honest answer, even if its not the answer I want to hear. I feel totally safe around him.He patient with me like no one has ever been.I can be a total bitch and snap at times. I have said some mean horrible things to him that I don't mean and he just takes it.He is in touch with his femine side. He reads Cosmo and other women's magazines.He is into art and fashion(which I am also into) and he loves shopping with me. He actually tells me to try on everything and he waits patiently. Now, the Bad: The age difference is something I am having trouble with. I don't want to waste my time with him if he is not 'the guy'.I feel for me I have my whole life to keep looking for Mr.Right where he is not that young and I may waste his time. He is way to laid back about everything. He is weird,but funny/eccentric weird.He can annoy me sometimes. I worry about what other people will think. I know that sounds horrible,but I dread to hear what my parents would say or do if I brough him home. My friends will think I am a twit and he is a dirty old man. On the other hand I go nuts thinking about him with another woman. I'm not sure I want to commit but am afraid if I let him go I'll regert it for the rest of my life.Another thing I forgot to mention. He is bisexual. He has been with other men but feels more comfortable with women.He told me because he says he wants to be honest with me and have no secrets.He tried explaining to me that no one is totally straight or gay.So, thats a totally different set of issues I have to factor in.

So, thats my problem. The only person I have told is my older sister who is 28. She thinks I am thinking about it way to much. She hasn't met him but thinks he could be the one. I imagine a guy closer to my age being my soulmate. Am I asking too many questions? AM I looking for reasons not to be with him? My sister says an older guy can be a plus. SOunds like I have the best of both worlds.A guy who is older but doesn't look it or act it.He can act like an adult and then act like a younger guy in a blink of an eye.I am so confused. I am attracted to him and he is a total gentleman.I brought up sex one day and he said a real man allows the woman to decide when its time to have sex in a relationship.Its like he is saying all the right things. I have never felt this way towards a guy before. I can't stop thinking about him. I have been having trouble sleeping and everything makes me think about him. EVERYTHING! I have trouble concentrating and focusing because of him.

The bottom line is this. I trust him 100%. If I pursue the relationship we need to discuss the bisexuality in more detail but I'm not as concerned with that. What I am questioning is do I take the plunge and pursue this relationship? He said to me right whe we met, "If you have to question it this much than theres something wrong". I agree with that. I should do what my sister says and just move forward and do what feels right. As an outsider, what do you think of all this?"

[skyblue]

1. I'd say. oh hell no. There's plenty of lonely gentlemen out there who can easily satisfy

1 woman. Is it any of my business tho' I might have a problem with that. The bisexual thing to me would be a real problem down the road.

[sniffa]

10. charming

:eyes:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

15. yeah you can never trust us bisexuals. after all we eat puppies for dinner.

[SacredCow]

16. Oh really?

I thought that was just us Humma-sexshuls!!!

Do you prefer them grilled, fried, or lightly sauteed in a white-wine reduction?

:silly:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

18. we like them in all ways. so long as it puppies or kittens or other cute and small mammals.

[unpossibles]

19. I don't

I sacrifice them to Satan. Or satin, depending on my mood.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

21. puppy killing thing.

[unpossibles]

22. well, I am in Ohio after all

we're kind of backwards here.

:)

I will try eating them next time - I feel so wasteful now.

[ThomCat]

28. Wow. I've been the bisexual member of all of my relationships.

And I don't recall it ever being the cause of any significant problems. It's certainly never been the reason for a breakup.

Are you assuming that just because a guy is bisexual he's going to cheat? x(

[romantico]

31. Again, its not me asking the question

and I wasn't under the impression the bisexuality factor was that big of an issue for her(although I could be wrong)she was more concerend about his age. I'm getting close to his age so I told her to watch it.She seems more concerned about it than I think other will be.Actually, I'm pretty surprised with the advice and attitudes I have read on here.Still,she wanted reactions and opinions and I'm sending her this link later on tonight.Thanks to everyone who has answered and for the helpful advice!

[tjwmason]

49. But bisexuals are automatically more promiscuous

It says so right here in my copy of the "Bigot's Handbook". :eyes:

If I'd found an attentive, good-looking, charming, laid-back 38 year-old bisexual boyfriend when I was 20 I'd have been a very happy bunny indeed.

[wicket]

84. Me too!

Hi Thom! :hi:

[DarkTirade]

52. Okay, let's have a quick terminology lesson

bisexual = attracted to people of more than one gender
polygamous = have more than one partner at a time.

Two COMPLETELY different things.

Also, not a hard concept.

[DS1]

2. people actually write like this?

[Phillycat]

27. *choke*

My exact reaction as well.

[LeftyMom]

3. I wouldn't touch that situation with a ten foot pole strapped to another ten foot pole.

No way.

[triguy46]

26. Excellent advice. this is distant enough that there should be no collateral damage...

after the explosions.:hide:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

4. age differences come with power differences. if she were my sister i would ask her to be wary.

such a large age difference is bound to have differences in power, experience and the ability to manipulate.

i think the 20 year old really sounds like a kid and someone should tell her that this may be more than just a waste of time.

[SacredCow]

13. I agree, with caveats.....

The fact that she's only 20 is what I'd be concerned with if she was my sister. As I mentioned in my reply- I'm 26 years younger than my S/O, but I'm also 36, with a bit more of life under the ol' belt.

It's something that has to be taken on a case by case basis, I think. The age difference very well COULD be a problem if the older party wasn't sincere. Otherwise, it's just a number in my opinion.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

14. well yes, i think age differences matter less and less over time.

[LoZoccolo]

35. Because men always abuse power and manipulate. n/t

[lildreamer316]

38. Actually, sometimes it can be the other way around...

or/and the problem is, a 20 year old woman is not aware and in control of her own power.Usually.

[LoZoccolo]

47. lildreamer316, there's something I like about your posts.

You seem to see a complexity in relationships that a lot of people try to simplify.

[lildreamer316]

48. !

I am flattered! Thank you.
Have had lots of discussions about this kind of thing with my husband, who is really the wiser of us both when it comes to relationships.
I also think sometimes that my perspective, from being in the adult entertainment industry, helps me to understand men more (being a woman).
I still have to be careful not to rush to judgement sometimes, though.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

56. you deliberately try to see 'reverse sexism' when there is none.

[Deja Q]

41. I know a man or two whose wife is the manipulative one.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

42. i said age not gender. nt

[DarkTirade]

53. Might wanna check that knee... seems to be jerking without any good reason. :P

[ThomCat]

63. Certainly not the first time.

:P

[SacredCow]

5. Sounds like there are 2 issues...

the age difference, and the bisexuality.

I think the age difference looks worse now than it will later. 20 is just young, period- I know that I wasn't mature enough to even consider the notion of a "committed" relationship when I was 20, and ideally- I think people should give themselves a little more time to mature before settling down. BUT- it's not a one size fits all world; Perhaps she is ready. Personally, I'm 36 and my other half is 62, so it's pretty close to this example. It depends on the people involved, but problems with age difference in a relationship seem to largely come from OUTSIDE influences (AKA- people who don't mind their own business).

As for the bisexuality... Yeah, it's certainly something they need to discuss. But if they can be open about it then they're ahead of 90% of the population that would more than likely sneak around. And from the email, it sounds like he's addressed the curiosity so maybe he's over it.

So, all in all, I'd say proceed with as much caution as you'd see fit for any other relationship. The fact that he's older and openly admitted a bisexual past shouldn't necessarily demonize him.

[Withywindle]

6. I don't understand approaching relationships that way.

"I don't want to waste time if he's not The One"? What? On what planet does that make sense? Either you enjoy his company or you don't. And the only thing that can tell if someone IS 'The One' (assuming you believe in that concept in the first place, which I don't) is TIME.

That's more of a red flag than the age difference or the bisexuality, IMO. Especially since 20 is WAAYY too young to be so goal-oriented in dating. I could maybe see it if it was the woman who was 38 and was getting itchy because she wants children but otherwise, geez, neither of them has a foot in the grave. Play the field, smell the roses.

[xchrom]

43. ding! ding! ding! -- we have a winnah!!!

that is the ONLY problem in this note -- and it's a dead give away.

and right on pointing she is only 20 -- that's very young.

but never mind that -- having fun in a relationship should come first -- she has already loaded this with issues -- and i'm guessing trying to figure out how to 'change'' him to make him fit her ''model''.

the infamous ''list'' that so many people have when looking for relationships.

[redqueen]

7. The bottom line is she has to do what feels right to her.

Anything else, and she might end up regretting not doing so later on.

Good luck...

[romantico]

8. Thanks for the advice

Just a reminder, I didn't write the email and any advice isn't directed to me its to her. I think she is overthinking it way too much. I even told her to discuss it with friends. I don't see age as being a problem as since I am bisexual I don't even see that as a problem. If you take those 2 factors away it seems like she has no problem.

[KitchenWitch]

9. If indeed all of us fall on the continuum between all straight and all gay

And we can get into relationships with others, while trusting that the person we are involved with will be true to us. I don't see it as an issue.

If the guy basically told her that he cannot live in a straight relationship without having dalliances with men, then it would be "Hit the road, Jack".

[Fran Kubelik]

11. I'm with redqueen

She should just decide whether she enjoys being with this guy. She trusts him. She likes him. The bisexuality thing doesn't seem like an issue at all as long as he's faithful (but frankly, that would be a requirement whether he was bi or straight).

[zingaro]

12. How long has she known this guy?

She sounds like she's belaboring the whole thing but I don't know to what end.

The guy is fun. The guy is nice. She likes him. He likes her. What's to question? Age is sort of irrelevant if you're happy together. And an expectation of exclusivity usually applies regardless of gender so the bisexuality is irrelevant too.

Sounds to me like she's worried about what everybody else is going to think. If that's more important to her than following her own instincts then she should just end things now before they become more entwined. Either she'll take a chance on happiness or she'll allow herself to be ruled by fear. Seems clear enough to me. I wish her luck.

[triguy46]

17. DING DING DING! Danger Will Robinson!!!

"Only thing is, this 38 year old man is not like most men his age. First, he doesn't look his age and second he doesn't act it. " snip "He's just way too hip and is into stuff someone my age is into..." snip "He told me because he says he wants to be honest with me and have no secrets."

Methinks I smell a rat. First, he's telling her up front that he will be unfaithful. Second, why is a 38 YO acting like a 20? Fer godssakes he was 18 when she was born. If he was acting 38 as a 38 yo, then I could begin to accept the age diff. My sister married a guy 19 years older than she and they've been together for 32 year old, so I don't have an age difference bias per se, its the acting like a 20 year old. Shit, what is so great about that? Has he not learned anything and moved on? This guy sounds too good "..a real man allows the woman to decide..." uh, no mutual effort here?

Telling her what to try on sounds like a budding control freak, IMHO.

Romantico, I don't envy your spot. You can always stay the hell out of it, which in many ways it the best way, MYOB. But this has trouble written all over it.

[romantico]

20. I'm bisexual

and I'm a guy. I was actually flattered she asked. I met the guy once and he seemed like a really nice guy. I even thought he was cute and she is right, he doesn't look 38 but he doesn't look or act 20 either.He's is very charming and had alot of women hitting on him when I met him (4th of July cookout)He only had eyes for her. I thought something was up but couldn't be sure. It was only Saturday night that she told me all of this.

I don't know anything about him other than meeting hi for about 3 or 4 minutes 3 months ago. He's got money and like I said, he had alot of girls hitting on him. Still, I'm pasing on this post to her so she can read and decide for herself.She's a good kid and the two look good together.Like I said, I think she's putting way to much thought into this. Theres nothing sinsiter of shady from this guy that I can see.

[ThomCat]

30. Where did he say he's going to be unfaithful?

Are you assuming that bi = unfaithful? x(

I had exactly the oposite impression. I thought he sounded very laid back and not at all a control freak.

[SacredCow]

32. I got the same from reading the email.....

Whether or not the description is accurate is beyond control here....

I don't know why people think that bisexual = 2X as likely to cheat is a true expression, but that seems to be the popular thought.

[Deep13]

23. So, what's this got to do with you?

Perhaps the Reader's Digest version might be helpful.

[Parche]

24. Age Does Not Matter

And he sounds like he has the best of 'Both Worlds"
So go for it...........:bounce: :hi:

[Zookeeper]

25. I will don my flame-proof suit....

My experience has led me to believe that the bisexual part could be of concern. I believe that women can be bisexual, but I've never met a bisexual man who didn't have a true preference for one gender over another. (A gay friend of mine, who was thinking life would be easier if he were just bi or straight, called it "the lust factor.") And, at least back in the stone age when I was encountering these questions, in practice most of these bisexual men had a preference for men. The bisexual men I know who ended up with women, had a couple of "experimenting with their sexuality" experiences with men, rather than an equal interest in men and women.

So, I would say she should try to gain a little more information about that part of his life. The whole "gentleman" deal raises red flags on this issue, also, since it indicates a passivity that may say something about his preferences.

If she wants monogamy and the guy will be monogamous, then perhaps the bisexuality isn't a big deal. But, if his "lust factor" is really for men, then he may have a tough time sticking to his commitment.

I'm old, though, so what do I know anymore?

[cutlassmama]

33. I agree (not the you are old part)...the other stuff

[Zookeeper]

34. Thanks, Cutlassmama....

...slowly raising visor on flameproof suit... :+

[xchrom]

44. old or not -- that was a bigoted comment. -- and it not worth explaining why.

[Zookeeper]

46. It's based on my being part of....

the LGBT community in S.F. and Northern California 20-30 years ago. Perhaps things have changed, but that was my observation at the time.

It may not fit your world view, but it was my experience.

[xchrom]

55. experience has little to do with reality.

your whole notion of there not being bisexual men is like believing in the toothfairy.

plays into the stereo type that men who have sex with men -- bisexual or gay -- can't be monogmous -- or won't.

it's horsepucky -- and btw -- i've been in the san francisco and the bay area my whole life.

[Zookeeper]

58. I didn't say that bisexual or gay men can't be monogamous....

because I know differently.

What I said was: "I would say she should try to gain a little more information about that part of his life." and "If she wants monogamy and the guy will be monogamous, then perhaps the bisexuality isn't a big deal."

I should have left out that last "perhaps" and added a warning about the age difference, but it seemed like other posters had already covered that issue.

"Experience has little to do with reality." Wow. I don't get that. I could list some "real" names and dates to back up my OP. Why do you think my friends were less real than you? And I've made it clear that I based my advice on my experience; I wasn't making claims that it was a university-based research study.

I'm sorry I've offended you, but, my concern was for the young woman who was asking for advice.

On edit: One more thing: If you think my caution to that young woman is wrong, perhaps you should post your own advice, with your own viewpoint on the guy's claimed bisexuality. Tell her why she shouldn't stop to think about it.

[xchrom]

59. you make a blanket statement about bisexual men based on anecdotal or personal

experience -- and you wonder why i would be offended?

would you make the same generalization if the topic were race?

and may i add -- bisexuals -- men and women are very much part and parcel of our community.

a real, real shame -- if you are part of our community that you should have made such a comment.

[Zookeeper]

61. OK, here's some scientific research to back up my observation...

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/05/health/05sex.html

But a new study casts doubt on whether true bisexuality exists, at least in men.

The study, by a team of psychologists in Chicago and Toronto, lends support to those who have long been skeptical that bisexuality is a distinct and stable sexual orientation.

People who claim bisexuality, according to these critics, are usually homosexual, but are ambivalent about their homosexuality or simply closeted. "You're either gay, straight or lying," as some gay men have put it.

In the new study, a team of psychologists directly measured genital arousal patterns in response to images of men and women. The psychologists found that men who identified themselves as bisexual were in fact exclusively aroused by either one sex or the other, usually by other men.

The study is the largest of several small reports suggesting that the estimated 1.7 percent of men who identify themselves as bisexual show physical attraction patterns that differ substantially from their professed desires.

About 1.5 percent of American women identify themselves bisexual. And bisexuality appears easier to demonstrate in the female sex. A study published last November by the same team of Canadian and American researchers, for example, found that most women who said they were bisexual showed arousal to men and to women.

Although only a small number of women identify themselves as bisexual, Dr. Bailey said, bisexual arousal may for them in fact be the norm.

-----

There are people quoted within the article that take issue with this, however they are the ones operating from "anectodal evidence."

Guess what? This is a question that hasn't yet been answered and trying to suppress the questions because they may not be P.C. is not really helpful.

[xchrom]

64. you qoute a reseacher who advocated eugenics to eliminate gay folk?!?

i find your attitude bigoted --and using this crackpot researcher for documentation tells me you have reall hate issues reagarding gay in general or gay and bi-sexual men in particular.

documentation that GLAAD and other lgbtq groups not only have denounced.

http://www.glaad.org/action/write_now_detail.php?id=3827&PHPSESSID=0b9e8b63af283601f7dc071e1a4c4568

Unfortunately, the "Times'" report on the new study veers toward hasty generalization, including a second paragraph that reads, "But a new study casts doubt on whether true bisexuality exists, at least in men." It isn't until eight paragraphs later that readers encounter the first warning against drawing hasty conclusions based on the Bailey study's small sample.

But it's the article's headline -- "Straight, Gay or Lying? Bisexuality Revisited" -- that has generated the most concern and anger among bisexual community leaders and members. This sensationalistic, derogatory headline (not written by the article's author) impugns the honesty and integrity of bisexual people everywhere, accusing them of lying and deceiving others about their sexual orientation.
GLAAD contacted the "Times" about these concerns and asked that the online version of the headline be changed so it no longer insinuates that self-identified bisexuals are lying about their sexual orientation. The "Times" declined and defended the headline, saying that the phrase "gay, straight or lying" is "a commonly used phrase among many gay people."

In the past, the "Times" has been careful to not overstate the implications of new research. And while Carey's article does acknowledge that more research is needed in the area of sexual orientation, the sensational elements of his story, the derogatory implications of the headline, and its embrace of anti-bisexual sentiment do not reflect the usual journalistic standards of "The New York Times."

http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/Bailey/Bisexuality/Bisexuality-NYT%207-05-05.html

Here he goes again. This is such a familiar pattern:
 
Having been burned by exposure of  his research misconduct while attacking the identities of transsexual women, J. Michael Bailey of Northwestern University has moved on to attack yet another sexual minority group.  In this case the group is self-identified bisexual men, who number in the millions. 
 
Bailey and his graduate student Gerulf Rieger (whom he is grooming for a similar career in "science by press release") are claiming to have proven that bisexual men are "lying" about their identities, as reported in the New York Times science section on July 5, 2005.  Mr. Bailey bases this claim on further applications of pseudoscience in the form of plethysmograph arousal tests.

Those men love Bailey, in his role as their "straight man" spokesman, for his vicious Fourattist denials of the existence of transsexualism, as in his 2003 book "The Man Who Would Be Queen".  As we know, the gay elite of that generation view postop trans women as "crazy queens" who are gay men and who should have been satisfied staying that way.  Here's a classic statement by old-time gay thought-leader Fouratt, which well conveys such men's misplaced paranoia about transsexualism:

"Modern medicine is once again trying to cure us of our desire for same sex love. Our gender variant gay and lesbian population is under intense pressure to deny their homosexuality and to take all physical, hormonal and emotional steps in order to be accepted into heterosexual society." - Jim Fouratt


It's likely that such men love Bailey even more for his pseudoscientific denial of bisexuality. After all, there are many more people who identify as bisexual than as transsexual, thus bisexuality represents a much bigger threat to their narrow conception of gay male identity.


After all - all we have is this one "new study", which is simply a recently warmed-over version of his old 2002 paper about the same study. That old 2002 study aroused no interest in the scientific community at the time, and has not been scientifically repeated and confirmed by any independent researchers. Nevertheless, is Mr. Bailey claiming that his research is perfect and that we are to believe him, without outside independent confirmations whatsoever?

FAIR.org denounces your researcher and the new york times.
http://www.fair.org/index.php?page=2573

This finding could just as easily be read as evidence that arousal in bisexual men does not equal orientation--that simple measurement of arousal does not predict people's behavior or identity. But the Times reporter himself uses the phrase "true bisexuality," which suggests that people with bisexual behavior and identity might still not qualify as "true" bisexuals.

The fact that a researcher has promoted the eugenic elimination of homosexuality would seem to be relevant background for gauging the credibility of his studies of bisexuality.

Bailey more recently came under fire for his 2003 book, The Man Who Would Be Queen: The Science of Gender-Bending and Transsexualism, which defended the discredited theory that transsexual women are not female-gendered people born with male bodies, but "are extremely feminine gay men or are sexual fetishists who are 'erotically obsessed with the image of themselves as women'" (Chronicle of Higher Education, 12/10/04). Bailey profiled a handful of transsexual women for his book, many of whom filed complaints against him for not getting their consent to be studied (Times Higher Education Supplement, 5/28/04).

The book shares remarkable similarities to Bailey's new study on bisexuality: In both, the researcher denies people's own evaluation of their identities, suggesting that bisexuals and transgender people are lying about who they are.

pretty disgusting that posted that when you could have posted these

Bisexual Resource Center
BiNetUSA
Bisexual Foundation
Bi and Bi-Inclusive Groups Worldwide
Journal of Bisexuality

[Zookeeper]

70. I did a quick google search and found that link....

and since it appeared in the NY Times, I had reason to believe that it wasn't a product of anti-gay propaganda. This whole thing started with me venturing a caution to a young woman who sounded like she had her own concerns about a guy's claim of bisexuality. I don't have time to research and write a thesis, however, as I stated before, if you disagree with my experience, why don't YOU be generous enough to write advice for the young woman yourself to explain the situation as you see it. Be positive instead of reactionary.

I am not willing to share my personal history with you in a public forum. If you wish to believe that I have "real hate issues" with gays, I can only laugh and leave you with your outrage.

[xchrom]

72. oh please -- i couldn't be bothered to be outraged. just pointing out the obvious.

just not obvious to you.

and i did say what i had to say to the young woman.

but you really do need to check your self out re: gay and bisexual men.

[Chovexani]

66. You do realize that study was discredited by pretty much everyone?

This is not an issue of being "PC", this is an issue of not painting an entire group of people with a broad brush based off a handful of personal experiences.

By that logic, all straight people are bigoted assholes who need to STFU just because a few of them are bigots who alternatively want to deny our rights or our very existence.

Like, I dunno, certain people on this thread.

[Zookeeper]

71. Nope, didn't know that....

I have a busy RL. I was trying to deal with a number of things and did a quick google search and thought it might be a study worth considering since it appeared in the NY Times.

I'm not willing to discuss my personal history with you on a public forum, therefore, I'm satisfied to end this with you believing that I'm a "bigot who alternately want to deny our rights or our very existence." I'm laughing at the notion, but, whatever makes you happy, Chovexani. :shrug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

86. people love to say you are being PC when their CLEAR bigotry is pointed out to them.

no one is being PC. people are point out that your comments are bigoted because they are.

[Chovexani]

62. ...

I'm old, though, so what do I know anymore?

Not a thing, apparently. I had a snarky word-for-word parody of your post written up that substituted "biracial" every time you used "bisexual", to point out just how asinine and bigoted it was, but I decided it wasn't worth my time since you really ought to know better at your age. Instead, you just get an all-expenses paid trip on the failboat. Bon voyage.

[ThomCat]

29. Your friend worries too much

and over-analyzes. Is she alergic to just enjoying what she has?
:shrug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

57. i think she is 20. people are a bit more dramatic.

:P

[ThomCat]

65. Ah. That's true.

Many people have to mellow a bit with age about before they learn to just experience life as it's offered.

[WinkyDink]

36. Play the field at 20 = my advice.

[mzteris]

37. she's 20 -

she doesn't know what "LOVE" is.

This guy sounds like one to run run run RUN from. 38 and dating a 20 year old? Puhleeze. The dude has mega problems right there.


If she were 30 and he was 48 - a totally different story then. But for now - run. Run like the wind. Run like hell. Run like the devil himself is after you.

[NMDemDist2]

39. with no offense meant to your friend's sis

what is a charming, urban, well read, mature man doing with a girl barely out of her teens?

the usual answer (and I'm not saying this is the same as usual) is he's a control freak who needs to dominate a weaker woman.

unfortunately, her description of "He showers me with attention. Its like no one else is around when we are together......" is how most abusive relationships start.

I think he's a freak and she should back away, but if she's anything like I was at 20, she won't.

[GCP]

60. Ding ding ding ding - we have a winner

This whole situation sounds off to me - maybe it's something to do with being in my late 50's and I feel like I've seen everything - but I'd advise her to run like the wind away from this guy. Seriously.

[Deja Q]

40. Good luck.

18 years might be stretching things, there are some generational differences, but if it works that's great.

Now when I told people I was bisexual, (insert pathetic stereotype here.)

On the plus side, he told you his current status (plays around with women and men) up front. Consider that to be a step in your favor. That means, all things being equal, he's serious.

[Taverner]

45. Independent of our opinions, she just has to do what she's going to do

If it goes bad, she needs to learn from it.

If it flourishes, she needs to enjoy it.

Love is the most unstable of elements. Trust me on that one. Nothing it does is predictable. It's straight outa quantum.

[tjwmason]

50. I think that the subtext is what's interesting.

Bisexual and age difference are not necessary barriers to a relationship - but beyond these excuses, it sounds to me like there is a definite unease, it sounds to me like she wants to get out of the relationship and needs some means of justifying it.

On the other hand she is only 20, and when I think how naive I was back then...

[Guaranteed]

51. And, more than anything, I think she's getting played.

It sounds like she has an idea that there is something....odd....going on here.

[DarkTirade]

54. I pretty much agree with most of the people here... sexuality = not an issue. Age =could be an issue

As long as he finds her attractive, his sexuality has little bearing beyond that in the relationship. However age, and the sheer amount of difference in their life experience could very easily put them in two seperate worlds. One of them, maybe even both of them could very easily end up hurting the other because of that difference. Make sure they're both looking for and expecting the same thing from each other. The most basic of these problems is the most obvious one: one could be 'playing the field' while the other is looking for a serious long-lasting relationship. I can't think of any other problems like that offhand, but I'm sure the possibility is there.

[Piltdown13]

67. I can think of some other problems based on a substantial age difference

Beyond the possibility that one is looking for something serious, the other not. I was involved in a similar situation several years ago, though the age difference wasn't quite so great (22 and 34). There wasn't any manipulation going on, and both of us wanted the same things, but the major age-related issue (not that there weren't other issues as well) turned out to be that we were in such radically different places in our lives: I had just started grad school in a field that's infamous for its long times to degree, while he had already been in his career for about 12 years. This raised all sorts of problems -- I was living the life of a poor student, while he was pulling in lots of money, for instance (totally different lifestyles), which was only an issue because of the age disparity; I expect to be doing as well financially at his age as he was when we met, taking into account the salary differences between academia and the corporate world. He was getting ready, at least theoretically, to move on to a new city; I was definitely committed to being where I was for at least 5-8 years, and so on. Who knows what might have happened had other, more serious, issues not intervened, but the age difference was definitely a problem.

I guess that my advice regarding the OP is to worry less about the bisexuality, but to be aware that the age difference could be very problematic, in ways you might not initially expect, once the newness wears off the relationship. Of course, this becomes much easier to deal with as you get older, but age differences of more than a decade when one person is in their early 20s can cause major difficulties, even if the older partner isn't trying to manipulate the relationship by virtue of his/her (usually) greater social power.

[Rowdyboy]

68. She should not think so much or plan seriously....If he's not married at 38

then he's in no particular hurry. She should take her time and enjoy the romance.

[IdaBriggs]

69. Sounds like she's setting herself up to be hurt.

This isn't going to be a permanent relationship. If she wants a sexual fling, and is comfortable with safe sex practices, go for it, but if she is looking for a serious, long term relationship, then she needs to walk away. She's going to get older, and he's going to stay interested in young. She's pretty clear on wanting to find a best friend/lover/partner, and if she's pouring her energy into a relationship with this guy, she's not going to be open to a commitment style relationship.

If she is comfortable getting her heart broken because they don't have similar life goals (and she sounds like someone who wants to care about someone before jumping into bed), then have fun, cry when its over, and move on. If she wishes to avoid an obvious heartbreak situation, then don't do it. (She might still get her heart broken by someone close to her own age, but his experience leaves her open to manipulative behavior.)

This total stranger votes No. Politely, but still No. Of course she's flattered, but she needs to start realizing that as an attractive young woman, she can sleep with pretty much anyone she wants to, and its her job to be picky about the prospects.

My bet is she's going to go for the drama thing, tho. She's already investing WAY too much time and energy into it...

[GoddessOfGuinness]

73. I'm just thinking about how much I changed between the ages of 20 and 30...

Pursuing a permanent relationship at her age seems unwise. And a "guy who is older but doesn't look or act it" might not be so great either.

On the other hand, how do we learn unless we take the plunge and get hurt sometimes in the process?

[LSdemocrat]

74. Her being 20 is more of the problem here

At that age there are still so many potential life changing events coming up soon (college, grad school, career choice, entering the workplace, relocating, etc.) that, unless she is peculiarly mature at her age, she really isn't in much of a position to commit to ANYONE long-term.

[Froward69]

75. idd say go for it

you only live once. if he is truly bi then that just opens up more possibilities for her. if she gets hurt, live and learn. the age thing is petty. sounds to me he just never found the woman of his dreams to make babies with.

[Book Lover]

76. Her missive reminds me of a movie quote:

Deborah Sloane: For starters, I don't really think that your young girl predilection has much to do... with their firm, young flesh. I mean, when someone like you is out with someone like Harper, you must invite all kinds of comparison and ridicule, which can't be much fun... for either of you. Right, honey? So then, what is... a man of, uh, your age... doing with my 21-year-old daughter? It'd be easy enough to say you're afraid of mature women, but that's so glib. Afraid of what, exactly? So I kept thinking. And then it hit me. I know exactly what she has that I haven't got. Awe. That's it, isn't it? I mean, no real woman - no woman of experience would ever stand in front of you with awe in her eyes... and say, "Wow, Look at that man. Look at that bohemian wedding photographer... with holes in his jeans. Gosh, isn't he something?" No. I mean, it takes a naive girl for that. It takes Harper for that. So what do you think? Am I right?

Guinevere (1999)

[Karenina]

77. Big Time BINGO!

[Zookeeper]

81. I like that....

Very good point, Book Lover!

[FedUpWithIt All]

78. I am in a serious relationship with a man 13 years my junior...

and i have noticed that nearly every single age concern relates to how OTHERS will respond. On a personal level age is never an issue between us.

After a few months of extremely happy companionship with each other our worry about others perceptions was barely a thought any longer. Any concern that loved ones may have felt dissipated once they were assured of our deep feelings and respect for each other. Turns out most people are more concerned with a loved ones happiness and contentment than they are with things like age technicalities.

I have never had such a compatible relationship (age similarity notwithstanding). I truly believe that two people having a strong level of compatibility and draw toward one another is a precious thing and often very difficult to find.

I agree with the OP. Go for it. See what there is. If it does not go so well, chalk it up to a life experience. But if it does go well...:7

[romantico]

79. Appreciate the feedback

And I plan on sending her the link so she can read herself what everyone thinks. I spoke to her last night briefly and told her I had posted her email to me on a message board.She really seems to like him. She asked me a very interesting question I thought I'd share. What if the same story above was all the same but it was a 38 year old woman vs. a 20 year old man? I doubt many will have the guts to admit it, but I think their advice would change considerably. It really got me thinking.

[Zookeeper]

82. How do you think the advice would differ...

if it was a 38 year old woman and 20 year old man? (I'm not disagreeing; just curious about your take on it.)

[Kali]

80. Its not the age difference, its HER age

and it isn't even really that, but she sounds immature - with all the looking for the ONE stuff. She needs to relax, enjoy what they have and see what happens and if she can't do that, break it off and get some more experience in life.

[quip]

83. He's a liar

"He tried explaining to me that no one is totally straight or gay"

:thumbsdown:

[romantico]

85. I agree with that 100%

I do not believe anyone is 100% gay or straight as well. I know many who believe this. I think there is a double standard with men vs.women in this respect. Who's to say who's right or wrong. I am not invested enough with the scenario above to really acre oneway or the other. I told her myself I think she should go for it. I gave this alot of thought and considered alot of the same things others have. What convinced me was I have actually met the guy and find him to be a nice guy. I think he is crazy about her (in a good way)and I can tell just by the way she talks about him that she see's something in him alot of people don't. I think I told her to proceed with caution and take it slow. Did I give the right advice? I hope so. I've known her since she was a kid and look at her as if she was my own sister. I wouldn't give her my approval if I didn;t think he was a decent guy. Then again, who's certain about anything?