Blankety blank blank blank!

[murielm99]

I am sitting here posting, because if I don't vent, I will be outside smoking one of my husband's cigarettes. I worked hard to quit, and I don't want to do that.

My fundie mother called. She needed the correct address for my son. I don't think she really needed it; what she had was correct. She just wanted to talk.

The conversation started off pleasantly enough. Then, she started complaining about my brother's kids, and how they don't speak to her or my dad. I asked her if she knew why they don't speak to her. I know, but I wanted to hear what she would say. She did acknowledge that she sent my unmarried niece a pamphlet about marriage. The pamphlet came from her church. My niece and her boyfriend live together and they have a daughter.

The truth is, she has interfered with their relationship, and she thinks she has a right to tell them what to do. They are both 25. She does not acknowledge her great granddaughter.

After she lied to me for awhile about how great she is as a grandmother, and how she is very very Lutheran, and that of course, gives her a right to tell others how to live, I tried to tell her why they wanted nothing to do with her, and I did it in as nice a way as I could.

I told her that if she acknowledged her great grandchild, they would thaw. I told her that if they had been nicer to my SIL, it would have helped family relationships. All she had to say was that her pastor told her it was okay to tell her grandchildren they had to get married, and that he said it was fine for her to "instruct" her daughter in law.

Then she started going on about Lutherans for Life and the crisis pregnancy center where she volunteers. She knows that everyone in my household is pro-choice. She knows we work for pro-choice initiatives, and support Planned Parenthood. I told her that we had had this conversation before, and I was not going to continue it again. I hung up on her.

My mother is 78 years old. I would welcome her deeper involvement in my life, and so would my kids and their cousins, if she would not tell everyone that they have to live according to her religion. This always happens, no matter how nicely the conversation or visit begins. I have gone out of my way to change the subject numerous times. My dad is just as bad.

I will not smoke!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear murielm99...

You come and vent here, and we will support you!

Venting is much better for you than smoking...

I think you need to stop talking to your mom...

Or at least limiting how long you talk to her...

Good for you, hanging up on her!

Her position is ridiculous, and unbearable...

Hugs for you, sweetie...

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[murielm99]

2. Thank you Peggy. n/t

[Orsino]

3. Power game.

She wants the granddaughter to marry, and is holding her love hostage until she is acknowledged as boss. Crappy thing to do to the great-grandkid, not to mention the granddaughter.

If she continues this stubbornness, she should stop pretending not to understand why her interference isn't welcome.

[skygazer]

4. It really sucks when people try to manipulate their families

They don't seem to realize or care that they're just alienating people they'd be better off having a good relationship with. I do understand - I have family members with whom I've gone through similar things. No matter how much you try to be diplomatic and avoid certain topics, they force you to take them on. It's rotten.

Please don't smoke. :hug:

[distantearlywarning]

5. Is your mother my grandmother?

They sound exactly alike, down to the fundie Lutheran part.

My grandmother has also alienated many of her family members because of similar behavior to that which you describe.

[QueenOfCalifornia]

6. Your Mother (and father)

are cheating themselves out of knowing a little child who has every right to be part of the family. True to form for most Christians I have known - judgmental.

That chip on the shoulder gets really old.

Don't smoke.

Call someone in your family who understands and rag on the old lady for a while... It's therapeutic.

[murielm99]

7. I did.

I called my brother. I let him know about the conversation, and told him that I had defended his kids. This is an old story. I just did not want him to be blindsided by the latest fight. He went to counseling for 12 years before he learned to deal with this. They broke up his marriage. They know better than to mess around with mine.

Not twenty minutes ago, my dad called. He takes her side in everything. I quit playing the game long ago.

My dad, who is nearly 82, told me that he could die at anytime. I told him, "Me, too."

I told him that my mother should not be calling me to complain about my nieces and nephews. I told him that we had had this conversation many times. It was a lost cause.

He started to say, "I think you should...."

I said, "What? Apologize to my mother? No way. That is what you always say, when she calls here and picks a fight. I am not apologizing. If she is going to call here and talk about topics we can never agree on, then she can quit calling."

I am 59 years old. I only starting standing up to this crap when I was 35. The first time I did it, they did not speak to me for two years. They only started speaking to me again because they saw that their game was not working.

I don't hate my parents. But I do have to stand my ground. I wish things could be different.

I have not smoked.