Cop jokes!

[Archae]

Just got these in my e-mail. :rofl:

Tacks

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a
truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for
reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the
road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to
contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to
have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."


The Priest and the Rabbi


A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a
head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished,
but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and
says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.
Just look at our cars.
There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.
This must be a sign from God!"
Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet
and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on
earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.
This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!
Here's another miracle!
My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did
not break.
Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune.

The priest nods in agreement.
The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and
hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it
back to the priest.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."


A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says
here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"


LAPD

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all
trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The
President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest
and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do
not exist.

The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it
including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"


Return To Sender

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually
increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he
can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is
almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let
you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop
about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her
back!"


Sorry, I Can't do That!

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the
lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this
breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do
that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to
death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do
that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."


What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest!


Donations Wanted

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they
got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.
He said "It's O.J. again. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire!
We are going car to car collecting donations."
"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"
He said "about ten gallons."


Plain or Glazed

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car

After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your
eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice
your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"


COP: "When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
LADY: "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."


Wedding Blues

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels
in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're
going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for
you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood
when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."


The Juggler

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer
was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more
finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on
a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've
got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."


Can You Speak Up a Little

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do
you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

[pokerfan]

1. A police officer pulls a guy over

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.