I've had to make a very small "moral stand" this evening; it may have cost me some friends.

[Richard Steele]

It regarded a "couple" that Sweetie and I were friends with
for several years; we liked both of them. Very cool & interesting
people, both of them. No doubt about that.

And I'm not one to "take sides" when couples break up;
hell, I'm not one to "take sides" short of being held at gunpoint.

But, they broke up over a year ago, and I just couldn't go
to his birthday party tonight.
Because, in the year since, she has busted her ass to maintain
the friendship.

She wasn't an original member of "our group", he was.
But since they broke up (after she learned he was CHEATING), she
has continued to invite "our group" to all the yearly parties
thrown by "her group". And she went a year before bringing a date
to any of the "our group" parties.

Meanwhile, he went out of his way to drag a different "hottie du jour"
to every party he knew she'd be at. Barely legal, barely dressed
horny little airheads, prone to offering me bathroom BJ's in return
for sharing a joint. (OK, that only happened once, but you get the idea)

So, tonight I said "ENOUGH", and said I wouldn't be going to his
party this evening. I am SICK of everyone pretending that everything
is OK, because it ISN'T FUCKING OK!

She has been a SAINT, and he's been a FUCKING ASSHOLE! And it seems
that I'm the only one with the spine to SAY what we all know.

And I'm not going to anymore parties "in honor of" any fucking assholes,
even if they're really cool and fascinating people; even if I once
called them "FRIENDS" and got drunk enough to suck their dick that one time.

Life is short, and mine is already more than halfway over, most likely.

And the second half is gonna go by MUCH faster than the first half did,
so I don't think it's too much to ask that everyone I know either
GET RIGHT WITH ME, or get the HELL out of my free time.

Here's the thing- I'm the first one to "take a stand" here, and I explained
all this to an hour ago the friend who was organizing the party. So I know
that some of my other "friends" who never chose a side WON'T be my friends
by this time tomorrow.

If you've read this far, I thank you for listening to my rant.

Seriously. I just needed to say it, and I appreciate the fact
that you heard it. :hug:

Sincerely,
Richard Steele

[QueenOfCalifornia]

1. Dear Dick,

Good for you.

[Richard Steele]

38. Thanks, little buddy!

:hug:

[skygazer]

2. Assholes are assholes

And people who make excuses for assholes or ignore their assholery are rather assholish themselves. It doesn't sound like you'll be missing much.

[DS1]

3. Dude, I was really hurting. And that bathroom BJ was setup as an olive branch

but you didn't provide the wood

[rug]

6. no shit

Barely legal, barely dressed
horny little airheads

[Richard Steele]

8. I've been there and done that. It "got old" faster than I ever did.

I was once a FIXTURE at the coolest "underground" artspace
in a city CRAWLING with college students fresh from cow-towns.

Free beer, free live music, and the guy who lived next door to me
was giving me a VOLUME DISCOUNT on crystallized bud so frickin' potent
that he sold it by the GRAM in crack-vials.

And I happened to look like THIS back then:


Trust me- I was "bagging panties" like a crack-smoking octopus
working third shift at the Victoria's Secret warehouse.

That makes for a great EVENING...but a series of evenings do not
always add up to a LIFE, no matter how great they are.

[Blue-Jay]

21. I'm surprised you didn't get MORE blowjobs.

[Richard Steele]

33. Well, I can't really be certain that I DIDN'T.

Did I MENTION that weed my neighbor sold me?

A-MAZE-ING. $50/gram ten years ago, and worth every hydroponic penny.

Top that off with unlimited free beer, and it wasn't exactly
unusual for people to regale me with tales of things I did
the previous weekend that I had -NO- recollection of!

[Rhythm]

42. ~self delete~

no comment...

[lildreamer316]

45. ROTFLMAO!!!

""bagging panties" like a crack-smoking octopus
working third shift at the Victoria's Secret warehouse."


---that's a KEEPER. Mind if I quote you?? With credit of course.

[havocmom]

4. I feel your pain - in oh so many facets

Breathe deep and say: good-bye to bad rubbish!

Life is TOO short to pretend it's a good idea to put up with fucking jerks and shallow sheep.

[TZ]

5. I say "Bravo"!

If someone's behavior offends you, its really dishonest to pretend to be their friend, and true friendship is at the heart about honesty. As someone who has done her share of that kind of thing (personally and professionally), I know its a hard thing and could make others mad but I suspect many people feel the same way as you do but don't want to "rock the boat".
Moral strength is something I GREATLY admire, btw. Don't ever let anyone make you feel ashamed of your convictions...:applause:

[Richard Steele]

39. I don't FEEL like its a "bravo" moment.

If I had a higher tolerance for BS, I'd probably
be GAINING friends at this point in my life, not
losing them. :(

[TZ]

46. I know right now you feel sucky

Just like I did knowing that my outspokenness and lack of tolerance for BS helped to get my ex-boss fired almost a year ago to this date..but I did the right thing and don't regret it, no matter how much it still hurts.
Trust me here, if you have to have tolerance for BS to have a friend, they are not worth being friends with. Its not the amount of friends you have its the QUALITY. I have a strong feeling you are a quality friend and someone I would like to know in real life....Keep your chin up Richard..it really does improve things to remove as many sources of bs from your life as you can!:hug:

[KitchenWitch]

7. ...

:patriot:

[Elidor]

9. You made the right choice

Faithlessness carries over to friends as well as spouses. He's a user.

[Chimpy McCokespoon]

10. Bathroom BJs?

Where do you live? Studio 54?

[Richard Steele]

13. How LONG have you lived? 12 years?

It don't matter where you live- people do things. LOTS of things.
Given enough time, they'll do EVERYTHING. Several times.

Everything you've ever read in a "Penthouse Forum" letter
is happening in a house within two blocks of you RIGHT NOW.
(It's Friday evening, y'know)

And lots of stuff you've never even IMAGINED is happening
in another house 2 blocks further along. (republican neighborhood)

Believe me- a bathroom BJ offer is FAAAAAAR from the strangest
thing I've ever seen, or participated in.

[Chimpy McCokespoon]

18. It's called a joke.

Lighten up Francis.

"And lots of stuff you've never even IMAGINED is happening
in another house 2 blocks further along. (republican neighborhood)"

???

[Richard Steele]

25. Oh, my bad. Please ignore that party invitation in your inbox.

THAT'S a joke too! :evilgrin:

[Mojambo]

11. Bathroom blowjobs for joints? Do you mind if I go to his parties? n/t

[Richard Steele]

20. I think you REALLY missed the point of my little rant here.

Yeah, bathroom BJ offer. It happens.

Coming from a skinny 19-year-old CHILD who came in on the arm of
my "friend" at 9:00, and was already washing the vomit off her
dress at 10:30, it just wasn't as exciting as might have been hoped for.

[Mojambo]

22. It was a joke.

I have anxiety issues.

I can't use other people's bathrooms.

[Richard Steele]

29. D'oh! I think you've mentioned that before.

My bad! That's really funny, now that you reminded me of that! :rofl:

[lost-in-nj]

12. ...

Thank you
for taking a stand....
I'm on the other side of this shit.....
its not right...

:pals:
lost

[Dystopian]

14. Now you can breathe.....

Good for you.....I walked away from my best friend of almost 40 years when her cheating invaded my life...I kept her secrets, and never lectured or moralized....it was what it was.
But when I was finally placed in the middle...and expected to lie for her, I walked away on moral principles and never looked back. She was like a sister to me, but in the end....she never even knew why I left. I didn't have it in me to say anything....and I didn't even care. At least you spoke up......
I really related to what you wrote....you're going to feel a lot better and most likely the people you think will be lost friends will respect you for taking your stand...

peace~

[SPKrazy]

15. Life is too short to celebrate it with dickheads

good on ya!

:pals:

[REP]

16. Good for you

Its the right thing to do for both of them ( and you).

[pitohui]

17. when i want to get out of attending a party i just say i'm sick

maybe i'm passive aggressive or something but i don't see the need for all the confrontation, just don't go to the party, the dude doesn't need to know that one of his trashy dates was trying to go down on you in the toilet for weed

a birthday party is hardly an "honor" it's the booby prize you get for not dying that year

i say go or don't go but don't make such a big deal out of it

[Richard Steele]

27. Well, I've gotten TIRED of making those excuses. Tired of the FIBS.

Tired of telling those "little white lies" to keep people
from getting upset, and then trying to remember them all forever
after the fact.

I'm 38, shouldn't I be able to live a life without "fibbing" by now?

My former friend has been a real asshole, I've lost all respect for him,
and I don't care to spend time with him anymore.

And I'm gonna be a GROWNUP and say that, because it's the TRUTH.

[SheWhoMustBeObeyed]

31. "the booby prize you get for not dying that year"

:rofl:

poifect :thumbsup:

[Mike03]

19. Very Interesting Post

Not sure where to begin.

It's very nice to get your perspective on this, because when my marriage broke up, I did lose many cherished friends, and I understand that is just a part of the pain of divorce.

I think you are very nice, kind, compassionate for not wanting to judge or take sides or abandone a friend. So frequently there are two sides to the story of a divorce, but the pain is so bad that I think most people just want to forget about trying to rationalize it and get away from the pain.

topic 2.

Maybe we are about the same age. I'm definitely facing a midlife crisis now, and it's very hard. My life seems to be changing day by day. My parents are no in good health. My sisters are not in good health. I'm trying, trying, trying to keep my health but my depression is pulling me down in a downward spiral.

Anyway, I don't want to ramble on, just thank you for your post. It sort of helps me, although I can't be specific about why. Just your honestly, I guess.

[Richard Steele]

23. Well Mike...

The whole "divorce" issue is a whole 'nother ballgame.

I was divorced myself once, years ago...and it wouldn't
be unfair to say that I never really "got over it".

Better or worse, I'm certainly not the same person I was
before that, y'know?

I've also dealt with depression, but that's another thread entirely.
Probably a thread that should never be, because my "solution"
really wouldn't be advisable for anyone less INSANE than I am
to begin with.

[Maraya1969]

24. .............

:hug:

[I Have A Dream]

26. Dick...

:loveya:

:thumbsup:

:yourock:

[DarkTirade]

28. Well, sometimes you have to make a stand.

Although before you completely cut off this friend, can you ask him where he finds these 'hotties du jour'? :P

[Richard Steele]

34. No secret to where he finds them, if you really want to know.

He works "mid priced" restaurant jobs in Chapel Hill;
9 months out of the year, 95% of the customers are UNC students.

Working the late shift on weekends, 95% of the customers
are DRUNKEN and/or STONED students.

If you go home alone from a place like that, you aren't
really trying. Or maybe just not cynical enough.

[DarkTirade]

44. Ah, yes, the drunk and stoned students crowd.

My stepbrother drove a pedicab for a while downtown here, he got hit on ALL the time by drunk college girls. Including one girl who he'd known in high school, had a crush on her the whole time, and been ignored by her the whole time. Now that she's put on some weight and lost some self-confidence (she was a dancer, you know how some dancers can be about weight) and he'd gotten all in shape from exercising all the time (bike messanger by day, pedicab driver at night) she tries to drunkenly hit on him. :P

[supernova]

30. Awww, that sounds awful DS

:hug:

It really bugs me when people go out of their way to be well, dicks. (It's the 'tude, not the name. ;-) )

You most certainly did the honorable thing and that's to be respected.

You're both certainly welcome at my house. :-)

[Richard Steele]

35. :) nm

[ThomCat]

32. I think, in the long run, you're doing the right thing.

:hug:

[Richard Steele]

41. Yeah, I know...

But life was easier when "the long run" was next week,
and no one had any flaws that beer didn't let me overlook, y'know? :evilfrown:

[1000evorlrak]

36. Devil's own advocate here (haha)

Hard to say dude, hee may not have been the asshole he seems.

He is divorced so you can't blame him for dating the hot little numbers, he's a single guy. There is always more in a couples relationship than anyone else sees, you probably know this.

She isn't necessarily a saint. The same issues that were present during their marriage may be affecting her realtionships now.

It really isn't an open and shut case. relationships are messy.

[Ellen Forradalom]

48. Thank. You.

And welcome to DU!

I've learned the hard way that relationships are not open-and-shut. I defend to the death Mr. Steele's right to factor burdensome people out of his life. But I have gotten sick of the DU moral police piling on people who are not present in the thread to defend themselves. I think it reveals a side of human nature as ugly as the sin that prompts it.

[hfojvt]

37. I am just wondering

what I need to do to "get right with you".

I think it is cool that you took a stand like that. If it was me, I probably would goto the party with a pocket full of extra joints, just in case their was another "hottie du jour". I don't even smoke pot, but I could always start if it meant I would get some offers like that.

Just kidding. I think.

[Richard Steele]

40. Just DON'T be a total asshole and take pains to rub it in everyone's face.

ALL of my friends are "freaks" in one way or another,
by most normal standards.

But they don't go out of their way to HURT one another.
And when they do, they eventually aren't my friends anymore.

Until then- It's all good!

[LoZoccolo]

43. Don't be a player-hater.

So this guy is in trouble with you for what? Getting what he wants in front of people who aren't getting what they want?

[In_The_Wind]

47. Doing the right thing isn't always easy ~ but it is the best way.

Your true friends will understand.

[davsand]

49. Our real friends love us in spite of ourselves.

The people I value most in my life are the ones who keep it real and TELL me when I'm messing up. I always figured if they love me enough to call me on my screw ups, THESE are the people I want covering my back.

Divorce is hard for any social circle to sort out, and I respect you for not taking "sides" straight away. If the guy is really only a "party pal" and you don't want to play any more, then by all means do what you have to and walk away.

I kind of see it like a cat would, if you want the truth. Be happy to get there (and you show it) and when you walk away do not look back.

Peace to you, and you may not lose many friends at all for taking a stand.



Laura