but I still like Tap Three Times:
http://www.youtube.com/v/CvxHCeo-8EUDoug Clark: Tap Three Times
By Doug Clark
Staff writer
August 30, 2007
You’ve got to hand it to Larry Craig.
The U.S. senator (R-Idaho) has established his legacy. He will forever be known as the political leader who gave new meaning to the term “layover.”
By now the nation has heard the conservative lawmaker’s strained denials when he faced the press on Tuesday and said:
“I am not a crook.”
No, wait a minute. That was Nixon.
Sen. Craig said, “I am not gay.”
Craig, of course, was referring to a sex scandal that has erupted over his June arrest in an airport men’s room by an undercover detective.
According to the officer, the senator peered in at him while he was conducting a pervert stake-out while sitting on a toilet seat.
If that doesn’t qualify for “worst job ever” it’s certainly in the running.
The officer said Craig entered an adjoining stall. Craig then engaged in what the detective considered as sensual shoe-tapping foreplay.
Q – They call having sex in an airplane the “Mile High Club.” Is there a catchy phrase for doing it in an airport crapper?
ADVERTISEMENT
A – Yes, it’s called the “Pile High Club.”
Although Craig pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct on Aug. 8, he said he wasn’t doing anything kinky.
That’s right. He simply went in the restroom to take a GOP and pass some bad legislation.
Well, I’m not going sit here and see the good name of Lawrence “Lightfoot” Craig dragged through the sewer.
In the senator’s honor I have written and warbled a parody song to the melody of that American pop Tony Orlando standard: “Knock Three Times.”
I recorded it Wednesday at Spokane’s Cue11 studios where company president Dave Cebert is ever-willing to play along with my reindeer games.
Joe Brasch, my bandmate, buddy and partner in grime, handled the production duties and served as a lyrical assistant.
Once again, I want to thank Al Harrison of Spokane’s Northwest Entertainment Karaoke for providing an ideal soundtrack.
(Note: contrary to vicious rumors we did not compose this song while sitting in two adjacent stalls.)
Hear our finished product online at spokesmanreview.com. Or you low-tech readers can sing along with the lyrics below:
Tap Three Times
Toilet trollin’ Senator Craig.
Standing so tall outside my bathroom stall at the airport.
Through the crack I see you peeking.
I know what you’re really seeking.
You tap a code from the next door commode.
Playin’ footsie.
---
It’s Lusty Larry!
Tap three times with your loafer if you want me.
Mmmm. Twice on the tank – if the answer is no.
Tidy bowl man!
(Tap. Tap. Tap.)
Means you’ll meet me in the stall-way.
Twice on the tank means you just gotta go.
---
Being busted inside a john.
It’s not a thing that a right-wing Republican should do.
All your talk of family values.
Flushed away in scandalous loo news.
And all your denials are stinking like piles of political poo.
(What a wide stance.)
---
Tap three times with your loafer if you want me.
Twice on the tank – if the answer is no. No?
Dirty Larry!
(Tap. Tap. Tap.)
He’s unbuckling his beltway.
White and far right means you’re from Idaho.
---
Crapitol Hill is buzzin.
About Larry’s lavatorial lovin.
It seems so wrong wanting sex in a john.
(Hey, rent a motel.)
Tap three times with your loafer if you want me.
Twice on the tank – if the answer is no.
(Tap. Tap. Tap.)
Means you’ll meet me in the stall-way.
You’re in the tank, better say adios.Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by e-mail at dougc@spokesman.com.