Chili judging contest

[geniph]

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". (Note: this is obviously an urban legend, no Canadian actually drinks Coors Light.)

Here are the scorecards from the event:

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Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

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Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

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Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

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Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

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Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

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Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

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Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

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Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

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Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

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Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

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Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

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Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


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Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

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Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursinguncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

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Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

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Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

[Liberal Christian]

1. Love this!

From someone who constantly gets "it's too hot" complaints about her perfectly-seasoned chili -- thanks!

[Archae]

2. There's a cook-off here in Sheboygan tomorrow.

At our local mall.

I already met one of the guys entered, he's from Texas and makes his chili using habeneros.

Can you say "Blast Your Mouth With Napalm Chili?" :wow:

[Rabrrrrrr]

4. Habeneros -

why stick with a measly jalapeno heat factor one, when you can go straight to a factor 10,000?

Why piss around, right?

:hi:

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. LOL!!

I had to stop reading partway, I was laughing so hard.

Hey - how come the first three of us posters are all WI people? And how come at least two of us like really, really hot food?

I mean, I bought herring tonight. How bland is that? Wisconsintes aren't supposed to like hot food. But I love herring.

But I love fiery food! Even my fiery food friends think I like it too fiery. Hell, when I go to taco bell, I put two fiery hot sauces on the taco - i'd put more, but alas, that's just too much liquid on the taco. If I could get ten packetsw, condensed to the vlume of one, that would rock.

I don't know if Archae likes hot food - he's from Sheboygan, and one can never tell about Sheboyganians. Sometiems they turn on ya.

[Zomby Woof]

5. goddammit

Now I am hungry for chili, and hotter than any listed here. Damn you Geni! Damn you to Tukwila!

[Rabrrrrrr]

6. I'm sorry, but are you from Wisconsin?

Wisconsin has taken over this thread. Please apply to the governor before posting again. Orange alert. 9-11.

[Zomby Woof]

7. This is an ARIZONA HIJACK!!!

We here in the southwest KNOW chili! :nuke:

Pansy-asses from Wisconsin MIGHT think they can put some of their CHEESE on our chili, but they would be wrong! :evilgrin:

[Rabrrrrrr]

8. Oh, you are SO in trouble boy,

uffda, you just wait 'til your father gets home from his milkin' and chores!

[Zomby Woof]

9. I bet MrsGrumpy will KICK MY ASS

Skittles-style! :scared:

[Rabrrrrrr]

10. Damn right

Don't be messin' with Wisconsin. Or it's children.

We'll eat your intestines, while you scream in aginsy, just because you snore too loud.

[Zomby Woof]

11. you'll eat my intestines

Only after you have made Wisconsin sausage out of them! :o

[Rabrrrrrr]

12. Hah! This is where your ignorance flames forth brightly!

Sausage is nothing other than shit stuffed into an intestine shell.

So hahahahaha! Your intestines are already sausage!

[Liberal Christian]

14. And who would know that better than you, Rabrrrrrr?

About the agony of consequences from snoring too loud?

[Rabrrrrrr]

15. HA!

Spoken like a true anti-american who would prefer our troops just be burned, and who kicks snoring, defenseless people.

[Liberal Christian]

16. How like you!

To turn the kick of a defenseless snoring person into an international pre-emptive incident. When I think of the night's sleep I saved for the many by the infliction of those well-placed kicks, I can only congratulate myself and say, "Mission Accomplished."

[Rabrrrrrr]

18. "Mission Accomplished" maybe

But I'll remind you that Bill Klintoon also said "Mission Accomplished" when the blue dress was stained.

And I'll remind you that not only did you kick someone who was snoring, you kicked a patriot, who loves and supports our troops, while we were in a church headed by a protestant navy chaplain.

The degrees of sin you expose yourself to make me cringe.

Not surprsing you post on a God-hating political forum like this.

Thankfully, I'm above such partisan tactics.

[Liberal Christian]

19. Judge not

Quit lookin' at the speck in my eye, dude.

I can see the log in yours quite clearly, you idolator.

[Rabrrrrrr]

20. Your hypocrisy offends me

You call me an idolator, and yet you are the one who would place humanity as the equivalent God. It is so obvious that the only way to stem the problem of women having children out of wedlock and being saddled with raising them as a single parent is to outlaw abortion, but yet, you refuse the acknowledge the truth that only Cheney and Shrub, who understood their higher priorities as a calling from God and thus didn't serve in Vietnam, have the moral authority to lead this country.

You can take your pot of pot au feau and stick up your francophilic bidet-using heiney.

[Liberal Christian]

21. At least

humanity has a spark of the divine within. The flag in which you wrap yourself and your cronies is naught but an inanimate object which you have raised above the level of the God you claim to worship. You may be wrapped in that idolatry, but why do you drink English gin and Scotch whiskey and Russian vodka until your senses are dulled beyond reason?

[Rabrrrrrr]

22. Why do you resort to attacks of personal destruction?

Oh, that's right, you have no logical foundation from whicht to launch a legitimate critique.

Either that, or you are 15 years old.

Either way, please embrace the real world, and stop wearing your "KKKlinton's penis goggles".

[Liberal Christian]

23. For the sheer entertainment value of course :)

I'll let you win this time, though, dude. I have to work tomorrow.

[dae]

13. Can't help but laugh my behind off every time I read that one, in my top 5

Thanks.
:)

[Seldona]

17. Haha!

Hilarious stuff. Notice you were absent on the last round. To bad.

[bearfan454]

24. Hilarious !

They have the Chilympiad cook off in San Marcos, Tx every year here. Some of these good old boys cook chili with a horseshoe in the old cast iron pot. Deer chili rules. I use some nice size cubes.