How many times has you heart been broken by a relationship in your life?

[populistmom]

I define it in terms of a mutual romantic type of relationship. Unrequited crushes, while painful, are not quite yet at the level I mean, where you feel you gave someone your everything and perhaps thought they did too (or they really did).

Here's how I define heart break:

1. In a relationship and dumped when you are still in love with the person. They change their mind.

2. The person you love passes on. O8)

3. A person you are in a relationship with does something that breaks the trust within the relationship. You may leave or you may stay, but a part of you is gone after the event.

Just trying to figure out my own wimp level here perhaps and feeling rather cynical these days wondering where one can find faith and trust and if its even possible to have that.

[1a2b3c]

1. I wonder how Jody is doing

He hasnt been logged on since his wife died. I hope he is doing ok.

[Supply Side Jesus]

2. Once was more than enough.

Keep them at arm length and no harm comes.

[donco6]

3. Never

I've always been the dump-er, not the dump-ee.

Just lucky?

[WildClarySage]

4. Maybe,

maybe not.

[Pobeka]

6. I've been a dumper, but it still broke my heart

Being in love with a person who doesn't love you back, or treat you well enough, and you have to break it off for your own sake, is very painful.

[NightTrain]

7. Well, if you're going to count that type of relationship...

...I'll have to raise my poll response from twice to maybe seven or eight! I lost count, y'see. :eyes:

[Pobeka]

8. I figured that sort of counted as 3) in the list, sorta, kinda...

:shrug:

[Pobeka]

10. I always gave my full heart and head to every relationship.

It's just who I am, I guess. But it let me find my wife in the end, and though the powerless vulnerability that I thought I had in all those prior relationships turns out to be an important part of the strength of this one.

[shanti]

35. i agree

being the dumper isn't much better. (still smarting from a dump i had to make in november)

[donco6]

69. I've just never been in that situation, I guess.

I'm not one to lend my heart out too quickly, I guess.

I musta had a miserable childhood . . .

[NightTrain]

5. Twice.

But on a more upbeat note:

Although it's taken me close to 38 years, I think I finally have met The One. I can't believe it's happened, but all indications are that it has! :bounce:

And she knows who she is. In fact, most of you at DU probably know, as well!

[Amaya]

9. Congratulations Night Train!

I wish you both the best :D

[Pobeka]

11. I hope it is the One for you!

A :toast: for both of you, and may good fortune be with you now!

[madrchsod]

13. so that was you on blind date...

just kidding...well i hope you guys make it..

[populistmom]

14. I wish you both the best

So many of us deserve to find that proverbial "love and happiness" that continues to allude so many of our hearts.

[CrownPrinceBandar]

36. Your'e living the dream...

congrats on the good fortune. Wish you guys the best.

[liberalhistorian]

71. BLUSH.

I feel the same way, Dean, believe me! And I never thought it would happen, either. I guess things really do happen when you're not looking, as I've always been told! And only 47 more days before PA!:loveya: :bounce:

[camero]

12. Too many times to count

But I try harder to please which is something I should not do maybe. It's just I believe that you give your best to everyone.

More #3 than any other. You just gotta keep trying.

[Pobeka]

15. Keep on trying.

One thing is certain, if you give up you fail.

Eventually you'll find someone. It may take 10, 20 years. But don't give up!

[camero]

20. I don't think I have that much time but thanks

I've never been known to give up but I do give myself a break sometimes.

[Pobeka]

24. Friend at work in his mid-40's just got married.

He had no significant relationships before then. I don't know how old you are, but I hope someone comes into your life. Seems like it often happens when we aren't planning on it.

I had gotten to a point where I knew being alone and happy was better than being in a bad relationship, and felt in no rush anymore.

Then WHAMMO, there she was.

Good luck!

[camero]

27. Thanks

I'm 36. With the way my diabetes is going I think I might have 10 years at the most. That could change.

I'm at the point now where you were before you found what you have. It is better to be alone than in a bad relationship. I just keep trying for the good one.

[liberalhistorian]

72. Don't give up,

Camero, I know that's hard not to do sometimes, but it may very well happen, you never know!

[camero]

74. I won't

The battle for life is kind of my first priority right now. Thanks.

[liberalhistorian]

77. Is there anything we brilliant

DUers can do to help in that regard?

[camero]

78. No but thanks alot

It has more to do with my reactions to insulin and keeping my sugar level. It gets easier everyday. thanks alot, I'll remember that.
:pals:

It will get alot easier when I get insurance.

[buddhamama]

16. once

i was young when i met him, very trusting & naive.
it was a horrificly bad relationship that lasted way too long.

none of the relationships i have had since, including friendships, have escaped the "after" me.

[SOteric]

17. I've no idea how my experiences would fit in your poll

I've been very lucky. The men in my life have all been amazingly wonderful people with whom I'm still quite close.

If you love you have heartbreak. Whether you stay with one another and are relatively happy, or whether you live each day in misery there will be times when you hurt and disappoint one another. It's part of the human experience.

What takes that human experience to a place where it can only be perceived as pain, where no other definition is possible is an act of will, a choice to define. I don't choose to define my relationships by how much pain we've managed to bring each other in their summation, but rather by how much joy, how much respect how much depth there is in the friendship.

If the good outweighs the bad, then learn from the bad and make it better. If the bad outweighs the good, then learn from the good and seek happiness.

Life is too short to waist even a moment of it cultivating pain.

[buddhamama]

18. beautifully stated, SOteric

:thumbsup:

:loveya: and a :hug:

[GOPisEvil]

23. You state things so well...

:hug:

[populistmom]

19. I'm sorry I wrote this

I made a stupid mistake. I came here to this website 14 months ago to talk about politics and I consistantly find myself spilling my guts about problems and feelings in my life I can't do anything about (to some people more than others, people who could give a shit now). I wish I never would have done this. My life is a lot easier when I close myself off emotionally and continue pretending like all is fine, suppressing my heart, my needs, my everything.


Remember folks, hope is a very dangerous thing!!!!!!!!

[camero]

21. Everyone needs a release

Don't feel bad.

[populistmom]

25. It's much more than that

I can't really say either, but I don't see how I take it anymore being here. I'm just an idiot beyond idiots.

[camero]

30. But we would miss you

And no you're not an idiot. It's better to let it all out than leave it in.

[GOPisEvil]

31. Please don't say that about yourself.

I don't think you are being fair to yourself.

[Pobeka]

33. I don't think so. No, I'm easily a bigger idiot than you.

All you have to do is look at the accordion thread to know why.
(Wished I'd bookmarked that one).

Cheer up, I see only good things here!
:hug:

[snoochie]

34. Please don't beat yourself up

We all do stupid things... me especially!

Don't feel so bad about stuff you regret -- just try to learn from it if you can, and look to the future. :)

:hug:

[Tredge]

45. Consider it providence

You came here looking for one thing and found something else. Or to put it more accurately, you came looking for one thing and found it was more than that. You have the good fortune here of enjoying good company as well as the friendships of like-minded people.

You feel like you've been putting yourself on people here and testing the patience of people you hardly know, but that isn't correct. It is hard to know when you can start calling someone else your friend...all the insecurities inside try to dissuade you and protect you from vulnerability. But that's false too: those nittering voices are just the discomfort of plain humanity.

I don't know the reason you'd treat yourself that way and I don't aspire to know. Just do please understand you are among people here who (opinionated as we may be) are very friendly and have for the most part been on some difficult travels ourselves. It's something we like to commiserate about, sort of like war stories - we are closer together because we have seen and know firsthand what the other is talking about. Call it camaraderie.

Be yourself and let go. That's the best advice I can give. And also - stick around. This is a fun place.

[regnaD kciN]

54. If YOU'RE an "idiot"...

...then we're all bozos on this bus.

Please stay.

[Robb]

59. No kiddin'!

(squeezes big red nose) "Honk Honk!!" :D

Besides, name one thing that's been easy that has ever been satisfying? :shrug:

DU: The Online Clown Car. :grouphug:

[buddhamama]

28. hope is the only thing

what else is there?
why talk politics if not for hope; aren't you in essence hoping/enacting change for to make the world a better place?

love and expect only of yourself.
we tend to hurt when others do not live up to our expectations.

what you are suggesting is not healthy for you or anyone close to you.
you'll hurt them too, not intentionally but you will thru resent and despair.
shutting off isn't a soluton nor is it living.
and doing so will kill you, slowly maybe, but it will.

[Pobeka]

29. I'm not sorry you wrote this. Thank you for writing it.

People have been able to come to this thread, and talk about their life/love strategies, and hopefully receive some encouragement.

You did a good thing here!

[Amaya]

32. You shouldn't be sorry

I understand what you're saying. It's easier to close yourself off and pretend like things are fine. I do it everyday. Some days it hits me like a ton of bricks.
If you need anyone to talk to i'm here :hi:

[Tredge]

47. Oh and also...

"My life is a lot easier when I close myself off emotionally and continue pretending like all is fine, suppressing my heart, my needs, my everything."

I forgot to mention, this is plain horseshit. The best lives aren't easy. Live well!

And hope...hope is like a firehose: you have to plant your feet before you turn on the water.

[MrSlayer]

22. Once and it will never happen again.

I'll never trust anyone completely again.

[snoochie]

26. Just once

It about killed me, too!

I wish I could trust that way again, but ... :shrug: my husband and I seem to get along fine anyhow.

Oh well, maybe someday. :)

[Lydia Leftcoast]

37. I really thought he was "the one"

So did everyone else. We were just so much on the same wavelength.

Then I got a temporary out-of-town job, and although we saw each other every other weekend, he was in a situation where there were a lot of single women. He couldn't resist the temptation.

Shortly after I moved back to town, he dumped me and started, well, rebounding is too gentle a word, ricocheting among his female friends, actually moving in with three of them in one year.

His male friends told me that they thought he was crazy.

Anyway, I haven't seen him for decades, and I don't think I'd like him now, but the situation sure was painful at the time.

[BiggJawn]

38. Face it, if we were all in happy relationships...

Then what the fuck are we doing on a message board on friday Night?

If there'd been an Internet in 1987, I'd probably still be a one-time-loser instead of 0-for-2.

[regnaD kciN]

56. Or, in the immortal words of Harry Nilsson...

Now--if you haven't got an answer,
Then you haven't got a question.
And if you never had a question,
Then you'd never have a problem.
But if you never had a problem,
Everyone would be...happy,
But if everyone was happy,
There'd never be a love song.

[BiggJawn]

60. LOL! Reminds me of the Anthropologist story...

He asked the member of a group he was studying "Why do you sing so many songs about water, when you live in an arid land?

"We sing about that which we desire most and have least. Tell me, why your culture sing so many songs about Love?"

[JohnKleeb]

39. Because Ive never really had these feelings

Actually I had a crush fairly recently though.

[KG]

40. couple of big heartbreaks, a few smaller ones.

probably got some in the future. that's life.

[nemo137]

41. my first girlfriend dumped me on valentine's day

by email.

[camero]

43. Oh damn..I'm sorry

That's worse than me. I got dumped when I was in the hospital. :(

[buddhamama]

55. damn!

heartless & harsh.

you're better off without such a person in your life.

[Edge]

42. Once...but...

I'm usually the heartbreaker. I should change my nickname to HBK...Heart Break Kid. (yeah, yeah, I'm copying Shawn Michaels' nickname.)

[clyrc]

44. four times

and two of those times I thought I wasn't going to survive. It's now been 16 years since the one I loved most dumped me, and I've notice that in the last two years I don't think of him as often.

I decided that my taste in men was so awful and that I had better do myself a favor by forgetting about men in general about a month before I started dating my husband.

[Lostmessage]

46. I have been on both ends

The hardest part is giving up when you know that someone is playing a game with your heart. :cry:

I have put a wall up around myself now and I don't believe anyone about anything until they can prove it to me. :cry:

How do they prove it? By admitting it to their friends that hate your guts for no reason at all!

[regnaD kciN]

58. I'm sorry that happened to you...

:hug:

[Lostmessage]

66. Thanks

Sometimes people that are miserable set out to make everyone else miserable as well.

Some people are sick in the head and they seem fully functional in life and on websites. They will get a group of people together that are as miserable as they are to destroy someone Else's happiness for their gratification and to say that they have helped the other party by ridding him or her of that horrible person.

Deep inside the person that they helped or destroyed has a heart and it has been broken. Both individuals know that something was done to them that wasn't right but the trust is gone because of a sick group of people.

If the person can't admit to that sick group of friends about what was done and how much they cared about the person that was destroyed then there is no relationship or love.

Yes, my heart is broken but it hasn't been the first time and I shall move on soon. It's hard to give up when you are being played for a fool.....

[SmileyBoy]

48. My one and only girlfriend I had broke up with me.

The fucking Monday after Valentines Day last year. Valentine's Day was our last date.

I haven't had a relationship since then.

[Love Bug]

80. I feel your pain, northwest!

My last relationship the guy broke up with me during dinner ON Valentine's Day a few years ago. We were in a restaurant eating and he looked at me and said, "I don't love you and I don't think I ever will." Nice, huh? It was hurtful enough to hear that, but why did he have to do it in a public place? What an asshole.

[DEM FAN]

49. Zero. I Have Never Dated. Hope To Soon.

:-)

[smallprint]

50. once is enough, by lyle lovett

I used to be so much more open minded
And I used to like to fall in love
And they tell me I was so much sweeter and kinder
But once is enough

Yeah I used to be Mr. Understanding
I used to could listen and not interrupt
But now I'm a different man than that man then
'Cause once is enough

And once is enough for anybody
Once is enough to fall in love
Once is enough to feel your heart beat
Once is enough

And yeah I used to be able to handle rejection
I used to be so long lean and tough
And I used to would fight for a woman's affection
But once is enough

Once is enough for anybody
Once is enough to fall in love
Once is enough to feel your heart beat
Once is enough

So baby you don't have to tell me two times
You can save your sweet breath because
I saw the way you looked away from my eyes
And once is enough

But a man can't help can't help but learn his lesson
But a man he can't help the stars above
And a man can't help but go around messing
With once is enough

Once is enough for anybody
Once is enough to fall in love
Once is enough too feel your heart beat
Once is enough

So if you see me down by the byway
Won't you tell me you'll do this much
Take your head just one time and turn it my way
'Cause once is enough

And once is enough for anybody
Once is enough to fall in love
Once is enough to feel your heart beat
Once is enough

[maveric]

51. Once. After 18 years of what I thought was a perfect reciprocating

love and marriage. It almost killed me and 7 years later I still carry the fucking baggage.

She left me with 3 kids and a mortgage for an internet lover who turned out to be a wife-beating drunk. I was told that I was only in her life for convienience purposes, never loved me, and was just waiting for Mr. Right to sweep her away. I was supposedly physically repulsive and an embarrassment to be seen with.
Oh, and she faked orgasms throughout the whole sham marriage.

I had to sell my house and lost pretty much everything that we worked so hard for all those years.

I almost offed myself twice over it.

Do ya think that I have trust issues???

I hate being celibate but I cant trust anyone in that regard anymore.

[regnaD kciN]

57. That's awful...

...but it sounds to me like you got stuck with a psycho, as opposed to the normal garden-variety ex-partner. People may leave each other for all sorts of reasons, but it takes an especially-loony type to spend 18 years in a "marriage of convenience," bearing three children while all the time looking for "someone better." I can understand you having trust issues, but look at it this way: the odds are way against you running into a nutcase like that next time.

[maveric]

68. The sad thing is, I still hold love for her.

We have a history and she put on an academy award winning performance for those 18+ years.

All those good times, and there were many, are now tarnished. I see them all as part of her deception. They were all under false pretenses and I was duped.

[regnaD kciN]

70. That's not all that uncommon...

Lots of people continue to have feelings for ex-partners, even after they've been treated horribly. To do otherwise would be to deny your existence throughout that time.

They were all under false pretenses and I was duped.

It happens a lot, but generally for a year or two, not eighteen of them! That's why I said you managed to run into a real nutcase, albeit one capable of giving an "Academy Award performance."

[Piperay]

52. Once...

was cheated on by someone I trusted, I will never ever really trust anyone completely again. I always hold a part of myself back, don't want to ever be hurt like that again. :-(

[Lostmessage]

67. Same here

I put a wall around me a few years back because my ex fiance always kept someone else on the side and all of my friends knew this but I didn't know about it. He dumped me after taking 5 years of my life from me.

I took the wall down a few months ago and I have put part of it back up because a group of people set out to destroy my career and a relationship that might have been but I will never know because I have major trust issues.

When someone limits contact with you to several times a week then I don't believe that they care about you.
It's hard to let go and I have issues with letting go of something that isn't going to happen.

My heart is being broken as I speak right now and I have to learn how to move on. I have a few people around me telling me to forget about the person and I am not sure if they have my best interests in their thoughts.

[sweetheart]

53. 4 - 2 living and 2 dead

Its a function of age and hormones, IMO. The longer you live, the more likely you'll see a dearest love die.

In your amorous hormonal teenz/twenties, theres those amazing sexual mergeers that can't but have an unhappy ending... but if you survive those, isn't love more mature, deeper and profound.

[Tinoire]

61. 3 times.... and only beating by one wing right now.

Two times when I was young enough to recover. Right now... well... just hope I have enough stamina to recover like before.

[sweetheart]

62. hey sweet sweet sweet

The love that hurts is you. Your heart is such a power. To love deeply is such a great gift, and one wing or two is such a blessing to be alive.

You are such a gift. Thank you for being here on DU that i've gotten to meet you.

You are loved loved.

A long silent hug.

:loveya:

[Tinoire]

65. Wow. Thanks!

And let me echo your sentiment to everyone else who's hurting.

Thanks Sweetheart. Thanks eternally!

[FlaGranny]

63. Never, for me, but

I think two of my old boyfriends would have answered at least "once."

Edit: I just noticed #2 - the person you love passes on - that did happen to me, so, my answer should have been "once" and not "never." My first husband died and left me with two small children. Of course that didn't affect my faith and trust. He didn't die on purpose and he left me with two children and lots of sweet memories. After a year or two, I wanted to repeat the good relationship with a new partner and met my present husband and we've been married for 36 years.

[supernova]

64. Many little heartaches = final heartbreak

I was married for 9 years and the handful of good episodes did not outweigh the many more bad episodes in the end. If you're in an abusive relationship, it's like an open wound that gets picked at constantly and mercilessly. You never fully recover from one incident to the next. I didn't. I just hurt worse and worse as the years went by.

In fact, at times I wished he had died so that I could relegate him to the martyred hero compartment of my mind and be glad for what little we did have.

But I simply had to end it because it was destroying me. I would have become a shell of a human being had I remained, emotionally dead long before physically dying.

Who wants to live like that? I certainly don't. I'm not in a relationship right now. Having been in an emotionally abusive marriage, one of the fears I have is choosing that kind of person again. I had a 9 month relationship two years ago. I was happier with him for those nine months than I had been the whole 11 years of my marriage. "Wow, this is what dating is supposed to feel like! No wonder people like it!" While it ended on a slightly sour note, he was a normal person. And I thank him for that. No, it wasn't from my end. So I guess that's progress of a kind.

That's been the extent of my dating life. I would like to date more, but I just don't know that many people in my off-line life. And I can't seem to get anyone's attention online, either. :cry:

I do have my peace of mind these days. Remembering all the nights I cried myself to sleep, and I am truely grateful for my life now. Finding someone who would love me for me in the future, would be icing on the cake.

edit: Populistmom, no one can really tell you what to do. You're really the best judge of the satisfaction:pain factor. I can tell you that I do apply what is sometimes referred to as "the rocking chair" test. That is will I regret having done or not done something in my life when I am old and sitting in my rocking chair?

[populistmom]

76. The rocking chair test

That's a good analogy. There's many things in life I wished I would have done that I haven't. I've taken simple and uncomplex roads, because it was easier and I thought it would make me happy, only to find as a not-so-simple and complex person, I made life nice for everyone else around me, but where was I in the process? What happened to what I needed? Where were my dreams? Do I even know what they are anymore? Do I dare have any?

For years, I hid my inner and outer beauty- afraid (of myself, my energy, my emotions, my passions, my essence of who I am because it can be just too much)- in a constant shell trying to be "good" only to find that my idea of goodness only meant sublimating my soul. Somehow, I have emerged from this shell only to find further confusion and ethical questions regarding who I am and what I want from my life and how many risks am I willing to take to feel human again in the face of a world filled with so many people who may only end up hurting me yet again.

[PVnRT]

73. Enough

Now I don't bother, why risk the pain? It's not worth it.

It also doesn't help being fat, ugly, and shy in this world.

[OhioStateProgressive]

75. "no tears to cry" (too many times)

answering this poll made me feel bad

[Love Bug]

79. I'm just one bad relationship away from owning 50 cats!

:crazy:

Yes, I've been dumped. More than once. It hurt like hell.

What I have learned from my relationship experiences: "Never let your 'nads lead you into something your brain can't get you out of."

I'm getting that tatooed somewhere just to keep reminding myself!

[villager]

81. wife ended our marriage...

...by having an affair. With a fucking car salesman!

We have two young boys.

It's as if she's been taken over by a pod from "Invasion of the Body Snatchers." I don't know who this woman is, anymore, miss "ain't monogamy grand" and miss "you'd better not cheat on me" (perhaps protesting too much?.

The marriage had its problems, but more than the ending, it was the absolute betrayal -- the being lied to -- that continues to suck. Rather than take away any good memories at all (aside from the wonderous blessings of those two sons!) I know feel that I was a fool to ever love her in the first place.

How could I not have seen the real her?

[Westegg]

82. Let's see...

There was Mary ('76), then Susie ('77), then Patsey ('79), then Tracy ('81), then Ruthie ('85), then Allison ('93), then Regan ('94), then Louise ('96).

So that's eight times in....in 27 years.