My most stupid relationship *long post*

[MissHoneychurch]

OK, I had a couple of stupid relationships because I am too trusting. The guys seemed to enjoy using me and I was stupid enough to let them use me.

Anyway, DJ was the my biggest mistake. He was an American guy, working for the Army in Germany. I met him end of 2001 - some months after my dad died - at a club. He was nice enough, was dressed good, I enjoyed the small talk with him. Then I made the first mistake. I went to a hotel room with him, trusting him, he wouldn't hit on me (like he promised). WRONG!!!! I spare you the details but he fell asleep on me. I should have run the next day. I didn't. I started dating him. I lived about 2 1/2 hours away from him. Over the next months the drama developed. I spent every weekend with him. He would get upset if I didn't. I either came to his place, or picked him up to my place (yes, I drove back and forth to pick him up). When together we didn't do much. He enjoyed watching horror movies and children cartoons ( :wtf: ). When he couldn't reach my on my cell he would get upset. I never cheated on him, I never lied to him. He didn't believe me (Oh yeah, that is what you are telling me" - in a tone that showed he didn't believe me). His job position was bad. He didn't make much money, what he made he had to pay as child support for his 2 or 3 children. He got kicked out of his apt and slept in the hotel on the Army base. He started to ask for money. I gave it to him. I gave a lot to him, trusting, he would pay it back. WRONG!!!
In July 2002 we went on vacation together to Monroe, LA to visit his family. It was a horror trip. He treated me like bullshit, was bossy, never let me decide anything. I paid for the whole trip. I paid for the rental car, I paid for the hotel because his sister's house was infested by cockroaches. I even got bitten by those nasty bugs. The whole house was nasty.
We went to Mobile, AL for a short trip, to get away from his family (which he hasn't seen in 10 years because he couldn't afford the trip).
It was the first anniversary of my dad's dead. He promised that I would have a wonderful day, that we would do what I want. WRONG. I wanted to go to eat at Red Lobster (flame away). THe restaurant wasn't open yet so we went to on of those gambling ships on shore. He was a gambler (guess what he needed all that money for I gave him). I am not enjoying that stuff. But I played a bit but then wanted to go. He didn't. He drank while playing. I finally got him away from the machines late in the evening. He was pissed at me, acted like a little boy. We went to an IHOP because we haven't eaten all evening. He started accusing me, I am no fun to be with, I am a spoilsport etc. That night I honestly was thinking of leaving him there and getting in the car and drive away. I didn't. The next day he was sick from all the drinking the night before. We went to New Orleans. It wasn't much fun.
After we got home from that horror trip I got a letter at home, offering me the position I am in right now. I thought through everything and broke up with him. At one point I met with him again, we talked about everything and got back together. BIG MISTAKE!!! Nothing changed. He acted like before, treating me like shit. I felt more and more under pressure, being unhappy. I called him every evening, he never called me. But if I didn't call he would get upset. I moved to Frankfurt end of September 2002 (without my furniture). We talked about him moving in with me. End of October, begin of November my family and friends helped me move in my furniture. DJ also. He found a couple pictures of old bf's in an old purse (I didn't use anymore). He got so upset about it, he left the house. I didn't understand the big issue. They were the past, I never looked at those pictures, but I didn't throw them away. That is what he asked me for. I told him I threw them away but I never did.
Some weeks later he came to my place (during the week). Or better, I picked him up and drove back to Frankfurt with him (the commute was now 2 hours one way). That evening he asked me if he satisfied me in bed. I said pretty much. He asked why only that. I told him that 3 positions in the dark in the bedroom aren't really satisfying for me. His answer "Oh, so you are more the freaky kind." :wtf:
The next morning I went to work, feeling depressed all day. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to see him. I was thinking the whole day. When I went home, I broke up with him.

I was so relieved. It was like a big heavy stone fell off me. I felt free again, I felt myself again.
There was another incident a year later but I spare you that. Only one more thing: whenever I see him which happens really seldom, my blood pressure is rising. I am an even tempered person but when I see DJ I get so upset I can't hold to myself and start screaming at him. I never saw my money again. I never will. When I asked him about it, he made bullshit excuses.

What I learned from that: I will never give myself up for another man. I am never lending money to another person anymore. I still don't know why I stayed in that relationship for almost a year.

Thank you for reading. I know it was long. But I felt like telling.

[Guava Jelly]

1. Say can i Borrow 1000 bucks til next tuesday?

:hide:
He sounds like a real winner :sarcasm:
You are far better off without him that is for sure..
Thank god you didn't have a baby with him or anything that would be hell.
And good morning Miss H
I hope you meet a good guy that appreciates the person you are :hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

2. Oh yes,

he was like the big lotto win. At least that is what he saw himself at. :sarcasm:

Funnily I never saw myself long together with him, not even in the beginning. I should have heard at my inner feelings.

Thank you GoP. And thanks for reading. :hug:

[Guava Jelly]

3. you are my friend

I care about what you have to say :D
I am glad he is out of your life.

[MissHoneychurch]

4. So am I.

so am I.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

5. My biggest mistake in dealing with guys ...

is that I think that I can change them and that if I nuture them they will change - WRONG.


Cut him off, never contact him again ... you deserve a lot better than that.

One of my ex's makes my blood pressure rise - so much to the point that I passed out.

[MissHoneychurch]

6. He is out of my life

since 2002 pretty much. Except the couple of run-ins which weren't to be expected.

I know what you mean with the "changing" part. I do that every now and then myself too.

[zanne]

23. It sounds like he never grew up...

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I guess there's a guy like that in most of our lives somewhere. Just be glad you've put it behind you. Best of luck, HoneyChurch.

[lligrd]

7. My Father Taught Me To Consider Any Money Lent

as a gift. That lesson has served me well and I am always (happily) surprised when it is payed back. Applies to all situations and all items of any value.

[MissHoneychurch]

8. Oh I learned that lesson

the hard way. It wasn't only a couple hundred dollar. It was a lot more.

[lligrd]

11. Some Lessons Don't Come Cheap

But if you put them to use they are invaluable.

[kdmorris]

9. Sounds like you are better off without him

My ex-husband started out that way (I didn't have any money, but he was jealous of everyone and everything that didn't involve me revolving my life around him)

Eventually, when he had destroyed my self-esteem enough, he started hitting me to control me. Worked pretty well for a while, until he picked my daughter up and shook her by her arms. THEN I realized the legacy I was passing to my daughters. That's when I left, but I was a destroyed person by then. Like you, I don't know why I stayed in that relationship for 6 years (off and on)

That was 20-15 years ago (married in 1986, divorced in 1994, but separated in 1992), and I've since remarried to a wonderful man who treats wonderfully. My daughters haven't seen him in 11 years and they are better off for it.

[MissHoneychurch]

10. Thank goodness you gout of that relationship

being abused mentally, verbally or physically is very hard. DJ never hit me (I would have been gone that second) but I don't say "Why don't you leave him" to an abused woman. If your self esteem is so destroyed you don't believe that you deserve better.

:hug:

[kdmorris]

12. Yep, that's the sad part

I didn't think I deserved better. The only thing that got me out was that I DID think my daughters did.

Now, looking back, I'm very sad for that woman that she thought she deserved it. No one deserves it.

[MissHoneychurch]

14. You are right

No one deserves such treatment.

I am glad I got out when I got out. If he moved in with me I would have lost myself totally. He would have really destroyed me, being the blood(money)sucker he was.

Your daughters were your saving ring. Sometimes it takes the realisation not only what he did to you but to his children as well.

:hug:

[kdmorris]

16. Oh, I forgot to mention

That is the CUTEST little kitty in your sig line!!

Well, next to my own kitty, of course.

[MissHoneychurch]

18. Prove it

I mean the cuteness of yours ... not that I doubt it :)

His name is Simon and he lives with AirmensMom. I fell in love with him at PetsMart when I visited her in May. Since I couldn't take him back to Germany with me, he lives with her now.

Here is another pic of him

[kdmorris]

20. I'll see your way cute kitty and raise you....

TABITHA!!

[MissHoneychurch]

21. She is way cute too

black white ones are special.

[kdmorris]

22. Well, this one is

She started out half-feral, having just been spayed when she was close to giving birth. The first time I saw her, she was in a cage, looking so forlorn and stuck her paw between the bars as if to say "Please get me out of here".

It took us a LONG time to gain her trust. Now...she's a little attention hound. If she wants to be pet, she will sit in front of my computer screen and stare at me until I do what she wants. Of course, I can't really do anything else until then.

Let's face it. All cats are special. They just have such distinct personalities. I've had at least one cat since I was 9 years old (I'm 38 now).

[MissHoneychurch]

24. At the moment I am cat-less

I would love to have another one but my personal life doesn't allow me one at the moment. Sooner or later I will give in though.

So right now I am living through the kitty threads and updates on Simon.

I do believe the saying "Not we chose the cats but the cats chose us"

[Omphaloskepsis]

13. I'm going to show this post to my girlfriend..

Maybe she will stop complaining about me forgetting to meet her after work on Monday. Yeah it is the, "But Clinton did it defense." But it is all I have right now.

[MissHoneychurch]

15. Go ahead

I hope she know what a treasure you are :hug:

[Callalily]

17. Please don't

beat yourself up over this past relationship, it's not worth your time or effort. I think we all wonder why we did things in the past. But you have learned from this experience and have grown. And that's all that matters.

:hi: :loveya: :hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

19. Thanks Simply

I thought about this relationship for the first time in some months or years. What triggerd it off was the thread "When was the moment you knew you had to leave this relationship" or so. I felt like writing it down and sharing. There was a lot more going on. But then the post would have become endless.

Yes, I learned my lesson.

:loveya:

[AirmensMom]

25. That sounds like a horrible time.

:cry: I'm glad you finally dumped him. :hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

26. It was horrible

Me too. The moment I dumped him, it was like a heavy weight was taken off my shoulders.

[cobalt1999]

27. Live and Learn.

One major factor in being successful (in life, love, or career), is learning from your mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, losers make the same ones over and over. Sounds like you learned something.

Now, I want to hear about these "positions in bed". :evilgrin:

[MissHoneychurch]

28. Yes, I definitely learned my lesson

the embarrassing part is that I wasn't 20 or so. No, I was 26 when I met him. One thinks with 26 you don't make such idiotic decisions anymore.

"positions in bed"? It was dark, I didn't see anything :P

[KurtNYC]

29. Sorry to hear that you went through this

I had a vaguely similar experience and then went to therapy at the end of it. I read something that forever changed the way I view people like this. This blurb is about alcoholism but it applies to other people who have compulsive behaviors too.

The first weapon of the alcoholic is the ability to arouse anger or loss of temper. Consciously or unconsciously the alcoholic is projecting an image of self-hatred against the other person. It is met by angry, hostile attacks then the image is verified. The alcoholic justifies past behavior and drinking in his own mind and now has additional excuse to drink in the future.

The second weapon of the alcoholic is the ability to arouse anxiety... and "Needing" to borrow money is a classic example of this behavior. Helping them by paying their debts makes their failure permanent and increases their sense of guilt and inadequacy which are major components of alcoholism.

I wanted to share these because they helped me get past some of the feelings that I had at the end of that relationship. I hope that your sharing your story is part of you putting this behind you. But look out because there are plenty more of these types of men out there. Many are sweet mostly good people who suffer from a very real overwhelming compulsion to drink or gamble or do drugs or some wicked combination of those. But you can't fix them.

And in my experience, someone who accuses you of cheating without any evidence is probably cheating; it's projection.

:hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

30. Thank you for your insight

as far as I know he wasn't alcoholic. But then I don't know how much he drank during the week when I wasn't there. His addiction was gambling. Playing poker on the machines.

I can imagine though, that he cheated on me. He had enough chances for that. But I don't know it.

:hug:

[HughBeaumont]

31. If I had a nickel for every psychodot woman I've dated . . .

I'd have a candy bar.

You need hugs from me. Cross-continent virtual hugs.

[MissHoneychurch]

32. Awww thank you

wanna come over and give me those hugs in person? Pretty please :D

:hug:

[HughBeaumont]

33. I think I would need a couple thousand for an airline ticket.

:rofl:





















Of course, if you DID . . .



















Let's just say . . . my repetoire consists of more than 3.

I'm going to hell for this . . .

[MissHoneychurch]

34. ROFL

:spray:

A ticket doesn't cost THAT much :P ... remember I learned my lesson

And you get free cost and logis :D

[HughBeaumont]

35. What sucks about bad relationships

. . . is that when you're done, you realize the sex was mediocre at best.

[wildhorses]

36. ~*~

:hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

40. ...

:hug:


wildhorses ... that hug means a lot to me.

[Arugula Latte]

37. I think most of us have had a relationship like that ...

You look back on it and just can't understand how your own brain could betray you. But, they're learning experiences if nothing else.

[MissHoneychurch]

41. Exactly

it is every time again a :wtf: moment. Good thing we are able to learn.

I learned to listen to my "stomach". When the first impression isn't right, when something just doesn't feel right ... run!!!

[Haole Girl]

38. Hugs..

:hug: :hug: :hug:

It's quiet at work at the moment, so I read your post. I feel compelled to write to you. Please know, there are many who empathize with you. You are smart. One of my sisters stayed married to her abusive husband for 19 years-- even though he held a loaded gun to her head *twice*! I begged her to leave him... I actually begged her not to marry him after I saw him "joking around" with a knife the week before their wedding and telling her he would "keep her in line with it." But she married him anyway. She is lucky she escaped with what sanity and health she had left after her long and tumultuous marriage.

Also, I'm glad you didn't destroy your old photographs. That is something that would definitely make me leave a person... because old photos are irreplaceable.

This is a long way of me saying please do not be hard on yourself. My sister, who I told you about, graduated Magna Cum Laude from a prestigious private University. She still got caught up in a bad relationship. It happens to the most intelligent and kind people sometimes.

I have a team meeting now, so I have to run... but just wanted you to know you are not alone. :hug:

[MissHoneychurch]

39. Thank you so much KC2

:hug:

Thanks for never giving up your sister and supporting her through her relationship.

When I got back together with DJ, none of my friends understood it. But they were there for me all the time. Making no presumptions about me but sticked with me. And of course were relieved when I finally left him for good.

Those old pictures are part of who I am now. Heck, I even kept the picture of him :eyes:
I am not throwing away who *I* am.

:hug:

[LanternWaste]

42. One of my pals told me some time ago...

One of my pals told me some time ago, "it's better to be miserable because you're alone than it is to be miserable because you're with someone..."

Please don't let your cynicism stand in the way of actual love when it comes does arrive. Believe it or not, there are some good eggs out there worthy or trust.

:hugs: