Dateline Las Vegas - In a stunning example of the ascendency of the modern police state, Senator John Kerry (D-MA) personally flew his Congressional helicopter to Las Vegas, NV late last night for the express purpose of discharging his government-issue taser upon the former AFL running back.
"Time for the Juice to get juiced," the rampaging Senator is reported to have said.
Witnesses at the scene described the gleeful fury in Kerry's eyes, testament to the unchecked power afforded a runaway fascist Congress.
"He was positively giddy," noted Buck Renshaw, whose gambling spree was briefly disrupted by the altercation. "He kept making lame-ass puns and zapping the shit out of poor OJ. 'Bet that
Hertz,' he said. 'This'll teach you how to
conduct yourself,' 'Check out this
current event,' and 'My urologist warned me that I might experience a
shocking discharge.' Honestly, it was all a bit much."
No comment as yet from Kerry himself, but unnamed sources close to the Massachusetts Democrat say that he's certainly capable of such an outburst. "You should have seen what he did to a receipt-checker at Circuit City last month. Let's just say that the poor guy won't be inspecting any packages any time soon."
Surprisingly, President Bush himself has weighed in on the issue: "OJ will be just fine. Heck, Kerry stomped the shit out of me in 2004, and look at me now."
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