I just got dumped via E-MAIL

[Pushed To The Left]

I'm truly getting to the point where I don't trust women anymore. I fell really hard for this one, and she turned out to be no different than the rest. She said I was too "needy" because I objected to her almost never returning phone calls, which I think is just common courtesy.

She told me that she never lets anybody meet her kids until she is sure about them. So, when I am invited to her daughter's birthday party and meet just about everybody in her family, I sort of felt like I was special, silly me. When she spent the night with me in her bedroom making love to me, cuddling with me, watching TV like an old couple, I thought that we were pretty tight. Silly fucking me!! Well, she seems really distant during the week after that, and I get worried, because I don't understand how she can be that intimate with me and let me meet her family and seem so distant. She then tells me I "read into things" and we were still "taking things slowly". That would be fine, and it was still a very young relationship, but I think most people in my shoes would feel a little differently after a night like that. I mean, her kids even saw us cuddled on the bed watching TV and she seemed okay with it, like we were a couple.

Tonight, on a night where we had planned to go out, she once again doesn't return my phone calls and breaks up with me via e-mail. The e-mail was "positive" in a very condescending way, saying she wished me well and just wasn't for her, that I was a "terrific guy", etc. but then tried to psychoanalyze me and say that I seemed like I needed constant reassurance and needed a partner to be happy. NOT FUCKING TRUE! I just wanted her to treat me just a little warmly and return a fucking phone call once in a while. She can screw somebody, introduce him to the family, but if he wants to be treated like a boyfriend he's "needy"?

Like I told her in my response to her, this is HER LOSS. I actually feel surprisingly good now that I know the truth about her. She lost a very honest, caring man who really cared about her. I lost somebody who didn't really give a damn about me even though she did a very good acting job. She made me feel warmer and more accepted than I ever had been in any relationship, then threw me away like yesterday's garbage. Good riddance.

[TK421]

1. I didn't see this in your post, but how long have you known or been acquainted with

this person?

[Pushed To The Left]

3. It was only about a month. I know that's pretty short, but we really had a strong connection

or so I thought. On our first date, we talked for 10 hours. The woman at the coffee shop we went to said we seemed "like an old couple that had been together for 10 years" when we told her it was a blind date. I totally opened up to her immediately, she opened up to me, and it seemed like the most honest, compatible relationship I had ever had. So yes, it was a short relationship, which is why I'm handling it better than I thought I would. But it seemed like we were so compatible and it would have been amazing. I had never felt that way about another person that quickly, and I've been in some long relationships. She said it was okay and that she wanted me to express myself, then she dumps me for that very same thing.

[TK421]

9. I hate to say this, but a month is like 30 minutes when you are talking about

making any kind of commitment to someone. Me, I have a very hard time trusting people, but I've become comfortable with that. I've also accepted the fact that I'm just not cut out to be with someone else.

That may sound harsh or depressing, but I've observed others ( mostly siblings ) in relationships that didn't work out or the break was less-than- amiable....I've learned that this is not for me...I just can't deal with that crap.

My advice to you? Look out for #1 for a while. You may find that this is not your main priority in your life at this point, but I don't know you from Adam, and I could be completely wrong about that.

[mark414]

2. so...do you want some reassurance?

please forgive the smart ass remark...

but seriously, if it's her loss then go out tonight, it's a saturday. go out with some friends, drink a little too much and forget about it, hell maybe you'll even find a rebound for the night.

my philosophy has always been that if you're meant to be with someone, you will be. and you're not so, ob-la-di ob-la-da, life goes on. forget it. buy yourself something nice. go on a trip even just for the weekend. do something, anything but sit on an anonymous board on a saturday night telling a bunch of strangers about it.

sorry if i was harsh; i basically pretended that you're a good friend of mine, and that's what i'd tell one of them...

[Pushed To The Left]

4. Actually, I think I'm going to watch EliteXC!!

Some pretty good fights coming up tonight. I realize that I'm better off without her. I fell head over heels really fast like an idiot. My ex-fiance broke up with me by phone last year after a 7-YEAR relationship, and she treated me very poorly a lot of the time. I think I fell for this one quickly because she seemed to be so kind, warm and accepting by comparison. I don't play the "games" when it comes to dating and prefer to just be honest and open. I though this woman agreed. I will never be so fucking stupid again.

[IndianaJones]

6. forgot about it!. I'll catch it on sho west. thanks for the reminder. nt.

[Shakespeare]

5. If she wasn't returning all of your calls, take a hint and back off a little.

It's too late for that now, but something to keep in mind for future relationships. No matter how much we might connect with each other, no two humans progress emotionally at the same pace. She may have been unprepared for such an intense relationship so quickly, and it appears that you continued to push when she was sending clear signals that she wanted to slow things down.

Next time take a deep breath, resist the urge to call repeatedly, and give the other person a little time to catch up with you. A month is a very, very short amount of time--if it's a relationship you really see long-term potential for, be patient--if it's real, give it time, it'll develop.

[wildhorses]

7. happen to me this week by a man --- just so you know,

it goes both ways my friend. it goes both ways. my story is not word for word like yours. but, i also got dumped via e-mail this week. welcome to the new millennium. enter at your own risk.

[datasuspect]

16. why you cheatin on me?

dang.

[wildhorses]

18. yeah. right.

:rofl:

:hi:


what about all that red snapper, huh?

[zanne]

27. It was like that in the old millenium, too.

Unfortunately, people don't wear signs that say; "I just want to use you, abuse you and throw you away". If they did, most heartache wouldn't happen.

[FloridaJudy]

8. Dumping someone via e-mail is cold

Really cold. You're well rid of her.

[Roon]

10. I am so glad i don't date anymore

I looooooove being single.

[Blue-Jay]

11. I once got dumped via a note on my door, an email, AND a voicemail!

I thought it was friggin' hilarious to be honest, as I wasn't really even "dating" the woman. We only went out for a movie and a few drinks with friends afterward. The movie was only because it came up in a group setting that we both wanted to see it, and no one else was interested in seeing it. (I don't like to go to movies alone.)

[Nevernose]

12. Her actions are pretty screwed up.

As a single parent (a father), I've established some pretty common-sense rules to live by. Most single parents I know have done the same, and have similar rules.

You don't take a date to a child's birthday party. Ever. Only someone you're planning on being with for a while, and have seriously considered as a potential mate.

You don't have someone over for the night while the kids are there. If it's getting pretty serious -- as in marriage-might-be-in-the-future serious, then MAYBE someone can spend the night. Otherwise, the kid spends the night at my friends' house or with Grandma, or the woman I'm seeing just doesn't spend the night, or is in a situation where she could see us in an intimate setting (like in bed, watching TV).

Don't ever let the kid know ANYTHING until it's time. And you'll both know when it's time. They already know everything, but kids appreciate the dishonesty. Case in point: my kid's mom took off when she was three. She's eleven now. Just a few months ago, we were driving down the street, and she said, "Daddy? Whatever happened to the woman who lived in those apartments?" I dated that woman when she was three years old. THREE. And she still remembers.

Also, fucking someone isn't "taking things slowly." If she considered it casual or part of some audition, then that's her perogative. But if she didn't tell you beforehand, then she's got yet another issue.

And she doesn't answer the phone or return your phone calls? Regardless of how strong the connection was, did you really want to be with someone that didn't have any guts?

Every single man alive has been through this, I swear. You're not alone. There are approximately three BILLION other fish on the sea, my friend.

[Danger Mouse]

13. E-MAIL?

Psh. That shows a definitive lack of class.

[XemaSab]

14. That totally sucks.

I'm sorry she turned out to be a bitch. You deserve better.

[TK421]

15. Also, I would like to add that an e-mail is an extremely insensitive way

of going about this...perhaps person-to-person or maybe a phone call? E-mail can be so heartless.

[DarkTirade]

17. That sucks. Worst I got was a breakup via snailmail... but at least that was handwritten and showed

a little effort. Although I was fairly young at the time and didn't take it very well. Scar tissue is armor, I suppose. We get calloused and scarred by every bad experience so we can take them better in the future.

[MrScorpio]

19. You've learned something interesting about some women

That they can have sex with you and even spent "quality" time with you, yet they won't allow that intimacy to allow you within their sphere of vulnerability.

She knew from a long time ago that you were not "the one". Too bad she didn't tell you sooner.

Perhaps you were too needy, perhaps she's the a commitmentphobe (They do make female models BTW), perhaps you were just filling her empty hours because she had no one else at the moment.

All that doesn't matter.

What matters is that you need to move on. Look at this as a learning experience.

Don't grill your next relationship for the faults of your last, treasure that one for the good things that'll do for the both of you.

What you should look for is someone who shares your values, obviously the last one did not.

So pick your ass up off the floor and start having fun again.

That's what it's all about.

[crim son]

20. I was dumped by email last year.

Before receiving said email, I was told for months that I was loved, perfect, his "soulmate", that I was the only one who understood him, that I was beautiful (he kissed my feet), that we were destined to be together forever. Then one day, we weren't. Please do not limit your contempt to womem. This man was a fucking liar from the first minute I saw him and I have tried very hard not to let his actions color my view of all men. He really fucking outdid himself. You will find somebody better than the woman who said goodbye. We are not all horrible: we protect ourselves. So do you.

[Pushed To The Left]

21. Thanks everybody for your kind words. I'm not feeling too great right now

I will admit that my e-mail back to her was a little much. I felt like I didn't get a chance to talk to her and that maybe if I had, things would be different. I really lashed out at her, but didn't call her any names. I must have struck a nerve, because she came back with a stinging e-mail where she pretty much attacked all of my vulnerable areas, the things I'm most insecure about. She called me an asshole, said "Fuck you", went on the attack worse than my ex-fiance's e-mail last year. Why do the dumpers feel a need to cause additional pain to the people they dump?

Well, I won't be writing her back. She said she would delete it without reading anyway, just like my ex-fiance. I was pretty vulnerable when I met this one, because I had been going through some very depressed, hopeless feelings. She was sort of a reassuring presence. I still can't believe that somebody who made me feel so warm could be so cold towards me. My e-mail was pretty vicious in some ways, but hers was a lot worse and seemed a little sadistic, like she wanted to really hurt me. Well, she did. I already have been feeling pretty lousy about a lot of things, and she went ahead and stuck the knife in one more time.

[blue cat]

22. I'm in the same boat that you are in

but I'm a woman. Got dumped via voicemail, couldn't even wait to talk to me. The person I'm seeing now I've dated for about 7 months, and he won't take down his profile on the dating site that I met him on because ?. I should move on but it is hard. Please take care like I'm trying to.

[DJKDJKDJK]

23. Not worth it

Move on. Better days and nights ahead.

She is just pushing your buttons because she can. The fact she gives you no respect whatsoever is a complete joke.

[regnaD kciN]

24. While I don't want to read my past relationships into your past relationships...

...I went through something like that a long time ago, when I was in college. We suddenly (and I do mean suddenly) went from an extraordinarily-intense three weeks together to her deciding we needed to break up because she "needed her space" (which, apparently, included hooking up with a lot of guys I knew).

It didn't make any sense at the time. Seven or eight years later, when we were back on speaking terms, she explained that, having just gotten out of a major (and not very positive) relationship, she was afraid of getting back into that situation again. It is telling that, in the few days before the break-up, a) she confided in me that some of her friends had been speculating that she and I would be married in a few years, and that, to her surprise, she didn't feel it was a ridiculous idea and b) I told her, for the first time, that I loved her. Almost immediately after that, she was out the door. She told me, at that later time, that we probably could have had a solid and long-lasting relationship had we gotten involved some months or years later; but, at that time, she wasn't going to get that deeply involved with anyone, no matter how good a couple they would have made with her.

I'm not saying that your ex was similarly just out of a bad relationship. But it seems obvious to me that there was a degree of intimacy she wasn't ready for, and that she ran when she realized she was getting that involved. The comment about not letting guys meet her kids until she was sure about them is, to me, the dead giveaway -- she obviously felt close enough to you that she was willing to take that step, and it's not surprising to hear that, shortly thereafer, she "became distant" with you. I'll bet she did -- it wouldn't surprise me to find that the very closeness scared her, and caused her to back away in a harsh (and, to you, destructive) manner.

In short, she probably would have done the same to any guy she had gotten involved with at this time in her life. She may well be ready for something like that in a while...but, then again, maybe not. In any event, as Mark Knopfler put it, "it's just that the time was wrong."

I hope you don't mind my saying this, but it also seems that you are much like I was at the time -- ready to get emotionally involved very quickly. A month in your case, three weeks in mine (and, to make it worse in my case, I actually proposed to my next girlfriend after the same amount of time together). The fact is, however intense a relationship may be, three weeks, or even three months, is far too short to determine whether or not that relationship can become more than just a short term involvement. As biologists have found recently, people are pretty much ruled by hormonally-driven emotions at that point; emotions that will gradually fade away as the aforementioned hormones subside. It's only then that a couple can really evaluate whether each is the right person for the other.

In the future, I would recommend that you don't even start thinking about a relationship becoming more than a "go out and have fun together*" situation until at least six months, or maybe twice that, have passed. Look at it this way...if you're going to be spending the rest of your life with someone, isn't it worth spending a few extra months -- or even years -- to make sure that person is the one you want beside you in the long term?


*(in and/or out of bed) :evilgrin:

[Deja Q]

25. It's more a cultural thing than an individual gender issue, though you do have a point...

For men, if you don't put out after the first date, don't bother?!

Now I haven't asked for a woman to put out on the first date*, but rest assured, not askin' for nookie definitely isn't the reason. Maybe I've got a bit of a belly or maybe I don't make $10 million, if I were to extrapolate from what the media tells us?! :shrug:

Or maybe there's something we're all not observing, based in part by how we grew up and/or what our ambient environment says what is or is not okay?

Both genders are so devolved that they will break up over small issues rather than communicate and try to work things out. At least for most people 40 or under; the one time any couple on my mum' side of the family thought about it, they talked things though and things are working well.

And it transcends dating too, the breakdown of society, and yet many say there isn't a problem at all.

Last night, I went to the bookstore to try to read in the coffee area. So many baboons^ with their unruly children, or the parents (plural of singular, there was nary a couple at this middle class chain name joint ("Borders")) using the area as a makeshift dance floor to keep their infants entertained. It was distracting as hell and inappropriate given what that area was for. Especially when there was no gaudy dance music nor the usual set of flashing multicolored lights. And triply so when there are areas devoted for children, especially the big one with big comfy soft benches that takes up 20% of the store with a big sign reading "CHILDRENS'".

Try to even be courteous on a rudimentary level and just say "Hi" to strangers? Small as it is, it does add a nominal sense of "community" for us all. All too often there's no response or even blank stares in a different direction, so then other people stop saying "Hi" and that leads others to wonder why as well. It's cyclical... maybe the other person, especially if it's the opposite gender, thinks it's sexual harassment?

In short, some of us might be better off just remaining single and trying to build lives for ourselves, if this is what American society is driveling down to. :shrug:

I will say this - you'll find a better person. Just keep trying. It's all anyone can do. A lot of people out there are genuine scumbags. Many are not. It's a matter of finding them.

* I'm sorry, I want to build a life with someone, not just wham and bam and say 'thank you' afterward as if we were trading cookie recipes!

^ Okay, they were humans but they certainly didn't act very human.


On edit: Grammatical correction, minor clarification.

[TreasonousBastard]

26. I can't comment on this relationship...

such as it was, but I have noticed that email breakups are becoming pretty common.

Come to think of it, answering machine breakups were pretty dommon for a while, too. And "Dear John" letters before that.

And people, mostly guys, would just "disappear."

So, it seems that for pretty much forever, both men and women have had a tough time breaking up face-to-face and have been finding ways to get around it. Email is just the latest way.

[Raven]

28. I'm sorry that happened to you. Given her proximity to you, she should

have done it face to face. Having said that, I have to confess that I broke a relationship off via email several months ago. The guy travelled a lot in his work and after awhile began to blow into town here and use my home as his hotel/office/restaurant. Never a thank you, never a gift or flowers, he ate my food but never once took me out to lunch or dinner. I never had a home address for him so that I could have written him a letter (he lived on the west coast). I had his work cell phone but I hate the telephone and was not going to call things off that way. Since I could not write him, an email was my best option, I thought.

I also should add that I raised the issues I had with him in person and it never made the slightest difference.