Music-related jokes (Post 'em if you got 'em.)

[ghostsofgiants]

1) How do you get a punk out of the bath tub?
Turn on the water.

2) How many punks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four: One to stand on the chair to screw it in, one to kick the chair out from under him, one to say how punk rock that was, and the fourth to say, Shut the fuck up, Mike!

(Or alternately: Twenty: One to screw it in, one to hold the ladder, and eighteen on the guest list.)

3) Nickelback

Okay, your turn.

[fizzgig]

1. i don't have any

but those are great...i'll have to use those

[HuskerDU]

2. Good ones!

It is a fact that the Beatles did some heavy drugs, but what is the proof? They let Ringo sing! (sorry Ringo.)

[ghostsofgiants]

3. Hha, Bill Hicks did a really great bit about that.

[HuskerDU]

5. Shit that guy had some great RnR jokes- wish I could remember

them!

He would make fun of like Rick Astley and compare 'em to Jimi Hendrix and such- great stuff if I could remember how they went exactly.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

4. Haha, I have a few.

Q: How do you get the drummer off your doorstep?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: The snake was on the way to a gig.

Q: What do you call a guitarist whose girlfriend just broke up with him?
A: Homeless.

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll do it too loudly.
Alternate answer: Five--One to do it and the other four to stand around complaining that they could have done it better.

A little boy came home from school one day very excited. When his mother inquired as to his excitement, he explained that there had been a "Career Day" at school and finished with, "Mama, when I grow up, I'm going to be a trumpet player!"
His mother sighed and said, "Son, you can't do both."

Q: What do you call an alto clarinettist with a beeper?
A: An optimist.

[ghostsofgiants]

6. Hahaha, those are good.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

8. I also like "What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?"

"A drummer."

:D

[ghostsofgiants]

7. Oh, I forgot one in my OP: Why did Crass break up?

They lost their stencil.

[opiate69]

9. Some of my favorites...

How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?
Put some sheet music in front of him

What did the bassist get on his IQ test?
Drool

What do singers and drummers have in common?
They like to hang out with musicians

What do strippers do with their assholes before work?
drop them off at band practice

[WritingIsMyReligion]

10. There are all sorts of jokes at this website....

http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/jokes/

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They let the pianist do it with his left hand.

Bastids. :rofl:

[Oeditpus Rex]

11. Not really a joke, but...

"Hug a musician. They never get to dance."

[HuskerDU]

12. Frank Zappa once said, ' All LA bands are better than

All San Fran bands and that includes the Monkees.' (oops that's not a joke!)

[Crabby Appleton]

13. What should you do if there's a bass player on your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

[ghostsofgiants]

14. WIMR posted basically the same joke in her post.

[mzteris]

15. Why did Bach have so many children?

Because he didn't have any stops on his organ.


(UK practice rooms circa 1974.)

[FloridaJudy]

16. Three notes walk into a bar

Three notes walk into a bar, a G, an Eb, and a C.

The bartender looks up and says "We don't serve minors."

So the Eb leaves and the other two have a fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the G was out flat, and the whole experience was diminished.

Eventually, the C sobers up, sees one of his friends missing, the other one passed out, and a policeman standing over him. And to his horror he realizes that he's under a rest.

******************************************************************************************************************************

What do you throw a drowning tuba player?























His instrument.

[mzteris]

22. ooooooooo

good one.



And I can so relate to the tuba player one. :(

[gmoney]

17. How can you tell the singer from my old band is at your front door?

Even if she finds the key, she still doesn't know when to come in...

[ghostsofgiants]

19. Hahaha, that's a good one!

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

18. Viola jokes:

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

1. The viola burns longer.
2. The viola holds more beer.
3. You can tune the violin.

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
They're both offensive and inaccurate.

What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.

Why did the violist marry the accordion player?
Upward mobility.

[jmowreader]

20. A couple

What's the difference between a guitarist and a government bond?
Government bonds eventually mature.

Two guitarists return to their car to find they'd locked the keys inside. Said one to the other, "dude, figure out something quick; it's raining and the top's down."

[mac56]

21. What's the difference between a moose and a marching band?

With the moose, the horns are in the front and the asshole's in the back.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The keyboard player does it with his left hand.

What's the difference between a musician and a cheese pizza?
The cheese pizza can feed a family of four.

What's the drummer's last words?
"Hey guys, let's try one of my songs!"

[johnnie]

25. .

:spray:

[HughBeaumont]

23. How many members of Slipknot does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

All 628 of them, motherfucker.

How many members of the Brian Jonestown Massacre does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. He's the only one not in an on-stage fistfight or getting fired.

[UTUSN]

24. Tuning up a high school band, band director says, "Hoo-KAY, that's close enough for jazz.

Too bad we're not PLAYING jazz!!1"

[MilesColtrane]

26. Here's some.

A little kid asks his father for a bass guitar and bass lessons.

Dad thinks it over, and deciding it would be good for his child goes out and buys him a bass and sets up lessons with a teacher at his middle school.

After the first lesson Dad asks his boy, "What did you learn today?".
The kid responds, " I learned the first four notes on the E string."
Dad pats him on the head and tells him that he's proud.

After the second lesson Dad, once again, inquires about what he learned.
Little Billy says, "Today I learned the first four notes on the A string."
Dad says, "Well that's just great. Keep it up son."

After the third lesson, Billy was hours late coming home.
The father was deeply concerned and asked him, "Son, I was worried about you. How did your lesson go today?"

Little Billy said, "Oh, I blew it off. I had a gig."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three new arrivals show up at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks the first one: "What was your earthly occupation, and what have you done to deserve eternal paradise?"

The first man says, "I was a lawyer who argued many pro bono cases for the poor and indigent. My efforts resulted in a better life for many of my clients."

Saint Peter says, "Bless you. You may pass through."

He turns to the second man and asks, "What was your earthly occupation, and what have you done to deserve eternal paradise?"

The second man says, "On Earth I was a doctor who healed the sick regardless of their ability to pay."

Saint Peter says, "Well done. Welcome to heaven. You may enter."

He turns to the final man and asks, "You, what was your calling and what was it's effect on making the planet a better place?"

The man says, " I was a musician. I played music for many people, raising their spirits and giving them a hint of God's glory."

After thinking a bit, Saint Peter says to him, "Very well my son. You need to go around back to the loading dock, take the freight elevator up to the kitchen, get off and take the stairs up to the 3rd floor. There you will take a service corridor all the way to the security station. Sign in and they'll follow you up to the ballroom."

[GoddessOfGuinness]

27. What's the difference between a viola and an onion?

People cry when they cut up an onion.

Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can remember them.