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I heard the date - August 8th... It is my late father's birthday. I thought I was passed the point of getting choked up with sadness over his death (in 1992) - but hearing the date... somehow today struck me (he died 15 years ago) - and I had to go into a private office and collect myself. I haven't had such a wave of sorrow in years. Until today, I thought I was in the place of grieving (and had been for more than a decade) when thinking about my father brought warmth in the memories - sort of like being briefly enveloped in a warm comfy blanket when talking about my Dad - not that I forgot the warts he had (and he did have warts) but that those no longer are important - I get then and acknowledge them - but now accept the warm memories, not inflated into raising him beyond what he was - but appreciate the cummulative and enjoy the moments when, for whatever reason, his memory is invoked. This may not make sense to folks who have not lost parents, or who are still in early grieving stages. But from what I understand, it is a regular - and later response to the grieving/healing process.
That said - when this wave of very real and fresh grief swept over me, after another person mentioned the date, it was so unexpected - and overwhelming. Fortunately I had a colleague that I could go to - and share what had just happened - allow the grief to flow over me - and move through it. I much prefer the - think about my father now - and not feel loss, but feel great warmth in the memories and the recognition of how he helped shape who I am.
Grief, I guess, is a funny thing. We may move through it - but I now realize that at some level, way deep in an area we don't recognize, it still exists - even long after we think we have healed. Thankfully, we can move that space of great pain and loss (when it is not fresh) and move back into the space of warmth and healing from the memories.
That said, my mother (widow) called me this evening about something unrelated - and I couldn't bring myself to share with her the experience. Not on this day. Peace to Sam. You are missed - but leave an imprint on many and for the most part we have moved to a place of strength for our life's interaction with you, rather than steeped or stuck in grief (though I was there for a few years) - but even 15 years after you left our life - the reality of the loss of you in our life is still felt. Peace Sam - and thanks for what you passed on to me.
And peace to those that have recently lost loved ones. I can no longer say that the pain ever fully goes away. I haven't been in a space of pain for years per his loss (instead in a space embracing in warmth the memories - without a feeling of loss). Those feelings of grief that come in strong waves will pass - but as I learned today, they may return years later - for a moment, and feel as fresh and painful as ever. But - it is no longer debilitating - and instead quickly passes and returns to the space of great warmth when dwelling in the memories.
Peace,
salin
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