Did your parents "stay together for the kids"?

[LaraMN]

My mom is driving out to Montana with her sisters to visit my cousin. She hasn't gone anywhere without my dad, sis, or me, since the 1970's.
I think it sounds awesome. She didn't want to go.

My parents probably should have divorced when I was little, but they stayed married for my sister and I. Now their children are grown up, and they have *nothing*. They don't like each other, they don't really have any close friends. They stay together because they don't or won't know any different.

I agonized over their obvious misery when I was younger, and then I just gave up. They're adults. They make their own choices. I'm not going to be emotionally wound up by their decision to have nothing in their lives but their children.

I just can't imagine getting to that stage in life and having so little happiness.

[Midlodemocrat]

1. My best friend's parents realized they made a mistake

about three days after the wedding, but neither one of them would give up the rent controlled apartment.

49 years later, still together and still hating each other.

I can't imagine going through life that way.

[LaraMN]

3. Ugh.

My parents hardly yelled or fought, but they didn't have to. It was just cold as ice in my house. I hated living at home. Nobody ever touched anyone. Maybe that's why I over-emote all over my kids. :P

[Connonym]

27. They tried to

when I was 20 and 4/5 of my sibship had graduated, my folks divorced. They ended up remarrying again 7 years later. I will avoid my cynical commentary but get me drunk some time and I'll tell you that whole sorry tale.

[skygazer]

2. My dad stayed with my mom because she got cancer

He had already told her he was seeing someone else and that he wanted a divorce when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. So he decided to "do the right thing" and stay with her.

So for the next four years until she died, he made her life miserable by going out with other women and being a jerk on the few occasions he stayed home but she couldn't say anything because he'd "done the right thing."

I sometimes wonder if she would have suffered less had he just left.

[LaraMN]

4. That's a bad, bad situation.

And I don't know what the best solution would have been...
:(

[skygazer]

16. I don't know either

And oddly, I have a lot of compassion for the "other woman" who he'd promised to marry. She'd already separated from her husband and was then left with nothing (except 6 kids to raise).

About 12 years later, they reconnected and my dad pretty much swept her off her feet (again). She'd carved out a life, had a good job as a real estate agent and gave it up to marry him. It lasted less than a year. My ever-impulsive father realized he wasn't actually in love with her but instead of being honest, he made her life miserable until she left.

I know part of it is her fault for being twice gullible but my dad is one of those overwhelming personalities who kind of takes over and runs the show. He's also someone who has no real idea what it means to love someone (besides himself).

He sure taught me a lot about how NOT to conduct a relationship, though. :shrug:

[EstimatedProphet]

5. No, they were smart enough to get divorced

although they did wait a long time. I was 11 when they divorced.

[Critters2]

6. My parents loved each other right to my mother's death

It was really amazing to watch my dad on their 50th Anniversary. My mom was in the hospital after surgery for a brain tumor. My dad brought her 2 dozen red roses--beautiful! Then he realized he hadn't gotten a vase to put 'em in. It was a Sunday, and he pestered everyone in the hospital, until a chaplain came with a vase. My mom was too confused to even know what day it was. But it was important to my dad that it be recognized.

Right up to the end, he would sit on her bed and gaze at her like a teenager in love. They'd go for walks each afternoon around the block at the nursing home, looking at flowers in the nursing home garden, and so obviously enjoying each other's company. Really amazing. Wish I could find someone who'd be half as smitten with me.

edited, because "loved" has one "o".

[LaraMN]

10. Wow. That's beautiful.

What a great way to spend a life....
:loveya:

[Critters2]

23. Yeah. It's hard for my dad, now that she's gone

and there were difficult moments. Not everything was perfect. Like when I was 11, my dad got transferred and my mom REALLY didn't want to move. She did, grudgingly, but in a year and a half, my dad found a job in our old home town again. Until then, there was a little tension around the house.

And I can't figure out why I'm so screwed up when I came from such good family life. Both of my parents came from bad families of origin (their parents did stay together for the kids), but made it work. Maybe emotional health is one of those things that skips every other generation.

[fizzgig]

7. i have a feeling they did

but i can't say for sure.

they separated for a bit when i was 11 or 12, but that was only for four months or so. they split up for good five years ago (i'm 26). although part of me wish they'd done it a lot earlier (i was waiting for ten years for them to do it), i don't resent them

[LaraMN]

12. Mine "separated" when I was about the same age, as well.

Which meant one of them slept in the basement, and one slept upstairs.
:eyes:

I'm sure that provided a whole lot of space and perspective for them to figure things out.
:eyes:

[JitterbugPerfume]

8. my parents didn't ,but I did

I thought I was doing the right thing , but in reality it was a tragic mistake.


but I did divorce the abusive jerk when my youngest started school.

[LaraMN]

14. Good for you.

:loveya:
It sounds as though you definitely did the right thing.

[Missy Vixen]

9. Yes. n/t

[I Have A Dream]

11. Yes, until we told my mother that we preferred that our father not be there.

She was very surprised, and that was the end of her suffering at his hands.

[LaraMN]

13. He was not a real great guy, I gather?

My parents are wonderful individually, and awful together.

[I Have A Dream]

17. No -- I don't think that he was an evolved soul.

:(

[MorningGlow]

15. No, but they got back together for financial reasons

My parents divorced when I was 7 and got back together when I was 15. My brother (much older than I) and I were like, "WHY?!" Although I was miserable when they first got divorced (it was the early '70s when NOBODY lived in a single-parent household, so my classmates and even my teachers treated me like a freak), as I grew up I got used to it and even enjoyed the argument-free environment with just my mom.

When they got back together, my dad handed us some line about how he never stopped loving mom yadda yadda, but later my mom told me it was for financial reasons. After about a month of acting nicey-nice, they started arguing again. (Mom was the nasty one in the relationship, BTW.) And when they weren't arguing, they were icy toward each other. Bleah. What a way to live.

It was just stupid. However, I was glad they were still together when my dad got cancer. My mom mellowed a bit and took care of him till he died. I don't think she was overly distraught to be living without him again, though.

[NewWaveChick1981]

18. My in-laws did. And they have been miserable the whole time the've been married.

As of last week, it's been 52 years. :yoiks: All my MIL does is bitch and whine about how awful my FIL has been, and all he does is bitch about how awful she has been. They stayed together "for the kids", and the kids were the ones who suffered from all that hostility. They are both 80+ years old now and not about to get divorced, but what a complete waste. I think they both enjoy their misery now, though.

My parents tried to make things work, but when I was 14, they decided they couldn't. They handled it very well with us (the kids), and my sister and brother and I have both told them many times over the years how much we appreciate how they handled it. They were miserable, and we could see that. They were never nasty or rude to each other in front of us (or away from us either), but it's rare that you hear about divorces that are that amicable. They were legally divorced when I was 16, and they've been friendly to each other all along. :)

[redqueen]

19. Yes.

I nearly repeated their mistake.

[Burma Jones]

20. Nope

I was 15 when Mom moved out......Nobody said much about it, it just happened....

[regularguy]

21. Yup.

'Cause I guess I would've been traumatized had I not heard violent, psychotic fighting every damn day for years...Eh, fuck it they thought they were doing the right thing.
The good thing is that they finally did divorce (after 30 years of marriage). Being in my late 20s at the time it didn't do me any good.

[KurtNYC]

22. I have a relative who did just the opposite -- threw him out for the kids

He was drinking too much and fooling around. She gave him one warning then threw him out. Completely the right choice in hind-sight. Better to not see your father then to watch the play-by-play of him screwing up his life.

[pitohui]

24. yes they did -- divorced once the youngest finished college

however i think they liked each other more than they realized and it was really the stress of the kids that made them so unhappy, they've been divorced as long as they were married and they still constantly socialize, go on many cruises and vacations together, hang out together, crap, my mom has been known to come do her laundry at my dad's house

:shrug:

i conclude that some people get along better if they have more "space"

[fudge stripe cookays]

25. No, but...

it was a wierd situation.

They were having some problems when I was about 11. It sounded like they might be getting divorced. Mom wanted to take me and move back up to Idaho (which she had really liked). I was a daddy's girl. I had no intention of leaving Texas.

But one day, mom told me later, she was out waiting for a friend to pick her up for church. A small voice in her head told her "You can't leave now. He needs you."

About two years later, dad was diagnosed with inoperable metastatic cancer. It was only a month between the diagnosis and his death. He waited too long to see a doctor. I"m glad we were all together at the end. They had their problems, but it was basically a happy family until AFTER dad died. THEN things started to suck.

[billyskank]

26. No.

[BarenakedLady]

28. No but they've been through rough patches

I remember thinking they were going to get a divorce when I was a teen. But they always had that foundation of love that kept them together.

[Crazy Dave]

29. Mine did

Mom says that was the biggest mistake she ever made too. When the marriage is bad, get the fuck out as soon as you can before it gets worse is my current philosophy.