Inappropriate language ,attitudes, elders, & long-term care

[mentalsolstice]

This seems to be a big issue between my in-laws and myself. I want to preface this by saying my spouse is very liberal, but several of his immediate family are not.

My father-in-law, 88 years old, is (possibly) scheduled for a triple bypass on Tuesday.

He's not the most pleasant of men. There have been several integral moments...A couple of years ago, my spouse walked out of the room, and my FiL dropped the "N" bomb on me, 3 x in a 30 second time frame. My husband says he's an old man...ignore him. At the time (and for all time) my FiL knew that was a very offensive term to me. I had told him several times before, it wasn't acceptable or appropriate. On the night in question, I reminded him that he was in my house, and if he were to say it one more time, he would not be welcomed here again. His response was that he says it all the time...I said "fine", say it in your house...but don't say it in mine.

This is no big deal...it just shows where he's at...he also knows I'm an U. of AL fan, he's an Auburn fan (you have to live in AL to get the whole rivalry thing), but he goes over the top to mention it, whereas I acknowledge the rivalry...and laugh it off...He'll say things (specifically in front of me) that all AL fans are all snobs. Well, yeah, while I worked at U of A, I paid half of his son's house payments...and with the good credit we earned during those years, we now live in a better neighborhood.

And then there's my husband's sister...another story for another day...yet she's fueling into the "stay every night when he starts to cry loneliness", and of course my husband is a bad guy if he doesn't participate in the nightly pillow fight. Never mind that daddy has no other friends.

Yes, it's an issue. He calls his nurses "girls". And he accuses them of being "bossy." Pretty much, he hates women...My mother-in-law was deceased before I met my husband. My FiL refers to her as "the wife", I've never heard him say her name.

He's an old man trying to get away with pushing buttons... yet, I try to be quiet about it, as I know my husband loves his father, however, DU is my sounding board! Anyone out there who understands?

I'm blowing off steam here!

[cynatnite]

1. My stepdad's father was a racist sexist good ole boy...

Your FiL sounds much the same except a little meaner. Sounds to me he's jerking your chain intentionally like my stepdad's father did my mother. She wouldn't say much and it took years for him to earn even a small bit of respect for her. I think it was partly due to the fact she didn't want to stand up to him because of my stepdad.

It sounds to me like you're handling this as well as can be expected. I'm not sure I could be as patient as you. :)

:hug:

[mentalsolstice]

2. Thank you...

...this is such a tough issue, because my husband is such a sweety.

For 30 years he worked, doggedly, for the city of Birmingham, Al. He is proud of its civil rights history, and whatever he contributed to it, however, minor. It's history, nonetheless, and it is important in our nation's fabric. Speaking for myself, as his wife, I am ecstatic, and in awe, whatever, of being able to meet leaders such as Richard Arrington, Rev. Shuttlesworth, and others who knew Martin Luther King personally! My 15 minutes of fame was attending an opening for a nursing home for minorities (which my spouse helped with the zoning issues), and getting up close and personal with the surviving members of the civil rights movement. Sitting front row, in the audience, will be a memory I'll always keep. I met men that day that marched arm-in-arm with MLK, Jr. I can't think of anything, at this point in my life, I'm 46, to compare with that. Many of the men I shook hands with that day had met with JFK and RFK, and they had marched with MLK. Oh friggin god, I was really in the presence of history that day.

Yet, my FiL, he is ashamed of "those" contacts. He always acts like he is ashamed that my spouse worked for an African-American mayor (well, he served a 20 year term)...