What have you found to be "red flags" when you meet someone?

[LoZoccolo]

Doesn't have to be a romantic interest or anything like that, just when you meet someone, what sort of things indicate that something is wrong with them personality-wise?

For me, it's if they talk about how all these people do bad things to them or spread rumors about them for "no reason".

[Drum]

1. If she doesn't want to try a bite of the pie that I'm enjoying.

Should I go on...? :evilgrin:

[Missy Vixen]

66. Hi, Drum!

So, what's your favorite kind of pie?

:hug:
Julie

[Drum]

71. Blueberry!

The way my auntie in New Hampshire makes 'em.

:hug: D

[DS1]

2. Asking me how my kids are doing

1) Don't have any
2) You don't care
3) None of your business anyway
4) Get to the point

[davsand]

3. A long run of "bad luck" is a big tip off. too.

Everybody has stuff happen sometimes that is just a bad break--but there are some people who make really awful decisions and they are amazed and demanding sympathy when stuff goes bad:


"I was drunk and met him in a bar in Tijuana/Vegas/anyplace else. I took him home from the bar and he stole all my cash when I passed out after sex."

"My lawyer quit working on my divorce and then filed a collection lawsuit against me."

"I married a Death Row Convict and now he's gonna leave me a widow."

"I was storing pop bottles of gasoline next to my furnace..."



The list goes on, and we have all heard it. My point is, RUN screaming if there is too much of this kind of stuff in the early conversations.


Laura

[LoZoccolo]

4. Ha ha that's right.

I used to hang out with this guy at Democratic stuff, and there's this whole thing about a cell phone that went on for a while.

First, he didn't have a cell phone until like 2005 or 2006 or something, but he had a land line. Some people I know ditch their land line and just get a cell phone, it's almost as cheap if not cheaper.

Then someone gave him a Boost Mobile phone as a gift.

He had to keep buying these pre-paid cards for it, but ended up spending like $100 a month or more on them. Eventually Boost Mobile called him up and told him they had noticed this, and wouldn't he like to just sign up for a plan through them? He could get free nights (after 7pm, which isn't too bad) and weekends. So he agreed to that, only it was $79 a month!

I was shocked that he walked right into that. I told him he could probably get a Sprint one or something for $39, and since he didn't seem to mind using a phone with very few features, he could probably just opt for a free one they were giving out. I asked him if he had signed a contract and he was like "I don't know...". I told him to try to find out. But I didn't bug him about it because I don't like doing that and also because he made it very clear one time that he doesn't like getting nagged into things. Alright, it's his life, whatever.

Meanwhile, he's complaining about his phone. A bunch of times we're talking and it's getting bad reception or dropping the call. On top of this, he starts talking about how "the PHONE keeps CALLING PEOPLE! By ITSELF! I'm not doing ANYTHING but it just KEEPS CALLING PEOPLE!" in this increasingly panicked and dramatic tone. So yeah, junky phone, expensive plan...you'd think enough nuisance had built up in this situation that he'd at least check if he could get out of the plan.

Not too long after that he calls me "well, I had to spend $80 on two chargers for this phone...I kept running out of battery at work, so yeah...$80...c'est la vie...".

For this phone which was so crummy! And I'm almost sure that the reason he kept running out of battery power was because he just couldn't get into the discipline of hooking up the charger before he went to sleep every night! Even if that wasn't it, there probably was just something wrong with the battery or it was a battery hog! It was one of the last conversations I had with him...he's got all these things he knows he should do that he just doesn't and lots of problems just managing things that would help him from going broke.

[lizerdbits]

97. I know one of those

Totaled her car after rear ending someone but it's not her fault because he was stopped in the middle of the road "for no reason" (actually it was a school bus with yellow flashing lights getting ready to stop so the other driver probably could have kept going if the lights weren't red but she was obviously going too fast or not paying attention)

Married an addict but swears he and his family hid things from her so she didn't know he still had problems (now incarcerated for stealing power tools form work and pawning them to buy drugs). Swears she's not taking him back but I know she will. If she hasn't divorced by now she's not going to.

She has large dogs in an apartment where she's not supposed to have them and they have destroyed the carpet so now she has to pay to get it replaced. Not her fault, they're the husband's dogs and he'll get really mad if she gets rid of them (another reason she's probably taking him back).

It's really amazing how she tries to spin things to always be the helpless victim when she just repeatedly makes shitty decisions.

[jilln]

99. She should not "get rid of" the dogs

since they are family members. She should get an apartment that allows them.

[lizerdbits]

102. Not many complexes that I've lived in

allow 2 100+ lb dogs (along with 2 cats), but I've only lived in a few. She claims no complex she found will allow them.

[supernova]

5. Unyielding in communal decisions

By that I mean they really aren't agreeable to just "go with the flow." They REALLY WANT THEIR WAY.

I once was interested in a guy for about a week. I ran into him at one of the spring street fairs in Raleigh. He asked me to dinner. I said OK. Anywhere around the fair is fine with me. There were several nice restaurants in the neighborhood. None of those suited him. He wanted to drive across town and I didn't. I was tired from walking around the fair all day. Plus most of the places he'd picked where more expensive than I was up for at the time too, being unemployed.

Long story short, I had dinner with him, but decided I didn't like his single-mindedness.

[bicentennial_baby]

6. A constant need for attention and validation

Even if said attention is negative.

[LoZoccolo]

12. I've seen a particularly wicked version of that one.

This person did something really cagey and manipulative to someone else that creeped out a lot of people, but then tried to tinker with the overall mood by constantly bringing up light-hearted and trivial things in conversation to make herself seem fun again, like the thing never happened. It's like she had to check over and over if people would forget it, this validation thing.

[sniffa]

17. what does this have to do with meth mouth?

:eyes:

[LoZoccolo]

32. Hmmmm...I guess its relation to meth mouth would be...

...that they would avoid talking about serious things like meth mouth in favor of less serious things. Like if you brought up meth mouth, they would probably change the subject like "Oh hey, speaking of teeth, have you seen that new striped tooth paste? It's really keen! I think it's called 'Aqua Fresh'". Then everyone would sit in stunned silence, because Aqua Fresh came out almost 30 years ago.

[Louis Cipher]

33. When people say cryptic things to your face

and then network against you behind your back. That shit is plain evil.

edit: meant to reply to OP

[cboy4]

50. Oh, that would be me!

:hi:

[NV Whino]

7. When every conversation

gets turned to them. It's the me, me, me syndrome. Run like crazy when you encounter it.

[AlCzervik]

8. "well enough about, lets talk about me!"

hate that as well.

[LoZoccolo]

11. Oh yeah, no kidding.

One of my pet peeves is when people interrupt me, which seems to be a variation of that.

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

9. When people drop the F bomb

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but it always surprises me when people start using that word immediately after meeing me (maybe the act of meeting me drives them to it).

[camero]

18. Don't mind that

when the words that precede it are you wanna :silly:

[realisticphish]

42. i curse like a sailor

but i would NEVER do it in front of someone i had just met; not until i had gotten a feel for their personality

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

78. That's my point

Exactly.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

10. an obsession with me.

seriously nothing good ever happens when people are OBSESSED with me. like if you remember what i ate that i once mention 6 months ago....it makes me worry about you.

[Maineiac]

15. I second that emotion

I had a first meeting with a very nice lady. We met at a coffee shop and talked for an hour or so. But, after that she called me almost every hour that night just to "check in". Then she invited me to dinner at her place. She explained her kitchen was a mess so she had planned for us to eat in her bed room. Hmm, I wonder what dessert was. That was WAY too fast for me so I told that she was a very nice person but that there just was no chemistry.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

21. exactly, an obsession with someone is unhealthy and sometimes results in ugliness

i should know when i was 13 someone stalked me for a year or so

[Maineiac]

27. OMG, that's awful

what kind of monster stalks a 13 year old.

[Name removed]

13. Deleted sub-thread

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[DeepBlueC]

14. adversarial relationship with parents

[datasuspect]

43. corollary: they talk shit about your family when they don't really know them

in an effort to side with you.

[NJCher]

84. what if their parents are republican fundies?

adversarial relationship with parents



Cher

[philosophie_en_rose]

16. Attempting to draw me into drama that does not or should not concern me.

For instance, "so and so said such and such about me. So and so is so mean!" Translation: "I don't want to confront so and so, so will try to get everyone to dislike him."

I don't mind friendly warnings or information about people. ("he's kind of touchy about X" or "she's having a really bad time right now). However, I cannot stand it when people try to solicit people for their side of almost always petty office wars.

The same is true in my personal life. For instance, I knew someone in college that would CC me (and others) all of her negative emails. She would also CC replies to her rants. She was clearly trying to garner sympathy and allies, but her complaints were not really our business. (Ex: her roommates eating food she labelled as hers).

Essentially, I don't mind venting or listening if anyone just needs to talk, but please don't ask me to fight your battles if they don't matter at all. I would march or protest or do anything with someone genuinely hurt or discriminated against, but stealing office pens or eating leftover pizza is really none of my concern.

/rant.

[sniffa]

22. good post

and appropriate for this thread. :patriot:

[LostinVA]

29. Nice response n/t

[Midlodemocrat]

100. You nailed it. I had the exact same experience IRL recently.

Two warring factions, each trying to drag me into their corner. It still hasn't died down, I'm just not answering my phone as much.

Thank God for Caller ID.

Interestingly, this was a non profit. An entity that should have been working to help others, not tear themselves apart.

[unsavedtrash]

19. TMI within minutes of meeting.

There is small talk and then there is emotional vomiting all over someone.

[gollygee]

58. I should have read through the thread before responding

I get very uncomfortable when people tell me something really really personal soon after meeting them.

[LoZoccolo]

61. Bah don't worry about it, this is a fun thread.

But what do you think someone's doing when they tell you something too personal? Or does the creepiness come from not knowing why they do it? For me I think it's that they are about to get really clingy and lay all their problems on me.

[gollygee]

90. I'm not sure - maybe that they're moving things faster than I'm ready for

Like relationships usually progress at a certain rate. I guess I'm comfortable with that rate. Also, if someone I know well brings up something very personal, I seem to naturally know how to respond. But I don't know how to respond when someone I don't really know says something very personal. And some people seem to want me to reciprocate maybe? Like they divulge something very personal, and then they think I'm going to. If I'm not ready to get that personal, I get a bit uncomfortable.

[NJCher]

85. That's "social penetration theory"

I get very uncomfortable when people tell me something really really personal soon after meeting them.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_Penetration_Theory



Cher

[gollygee]

91. I didn't know there was a name for it!

thanks!

:hi:

[BarenakedLady]

20. Tall stories

Or people who need to one-up everyone all the time.

[Ariana Celeste]

23. if they want to talk about religion right away

usually tells me we are not going to get along.

[riderinthestorm]

35. Yup, in my area it's phrased "What church do you go to?"

and that's always asked within the first few minutes of any conversation around here.... :(

[Ariana Celeste]

39. ugh, yeah

i don't care about passing references or whatever, if you believe what you believe and it makes you a better person, good on ya.

[rucky]

88. yep. that rules out nearly everybody in the tri-county area. n/t

[AmyDeLune]

24. Unconciously looking for a "Mommy"...

When I want to be someone's Mommy, I'll have kids (or get a puppy).

[lizerdbits]

98. Dated one of those in December

For about a week. Once I realized he was looking for another place to attach the umbilical cord I stopped trying to be nice and he plugged it back into his biological mother.

[Inchworm]

25. I'm usually blind to the flags

I absolutely enjoy meeting new people.

But if I ever catch them in a lie, its never the same again. By the time I catch them they are usually no longer "new" though.

:)

[Kali]

26. getting hit up for money?

:rofl:

[Blue_Tires]

28. me personally, if i see the confederate battle flag on a shirt

hat, bumper sticker, etc....

and do i have to mention a Bush/Cheney '04 bumper sticker?

[DU GrovelBot]

30. ## PLEASE DONATE TO DEMOCRATIC UNDERGROUND! ##

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This week is our second quarter 2007 fund drive. Democratic
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[SPKrazy]

31. Yes, a grovelbot is a badddd sign

to me :rofl: for starting a relationship

[philosophie_en_rose]

63. No kidding.

That jerk only comes around, when he needs money.

:rofl:

[Haole Girl]

34. Let's see....there are several things....

Anger is one of the big ones I watch for. I won't have people in my life who cannot control their anger. Period.

[NewWaveChick1981]

36. I have a list...

1) Spouting off about Jesus and "having a blessed day" during the course of the first conversation. I have nothing against anyone's religious beliefs, but don't shove them down my throat.

2) Paranoia or victim mentality immediately when I meet them. I've dealt with those issues with my mother-in-law, and looking back on things, our first conversation involved her paranoia. :(

3) Being negative about just about everything from the beginning.

4) When someone either won't make eye contact during a conversation or makes too much eye contact (i.e. staring at me and not blinking), it makes me run far, far away. I had a conversation with a parent (this was in the course of my job) about two months ago, and the woman carried on the entire conversation (about 20 minutes) without once looking me in the eye. Thankfully, her daughter isn't coming to our school after all. :woohoo:

The starers must think they're going to hypnotize me or something. :P It won't work. :rofl:

5) Bizarre behavior that is immediately apparent.

[Maineiac]

47. The whole eye thing can get freaky

Staring without blinking is very reptilian.

[NewWaveChick1981]

54. Yes indeedy.

:scared: It's very freaky.

[devilgrrl]

56. I've been avoiding eye contact lately for fear of making someone uncomfortable...

guess in my instance, you can't win for losing. :-(

[NewWaveChick1981]

59. Eye contact is just fine.

:hi: In fact, it's a normal part of conversation. But hypnotic staring is not. It's disturbing, though, to have a conversation (like the one I had with the parent) where the person is talking and looking out the window, on the wall above, at the floor, and everywhere else BUT your face. I'm sure your eye contact with people is just fine. :) I wouldn't worry about it at all.

[Crabby Appleton]

37. electronic ankle monitoring bracelet

[Joe Fields]

38. A swastica tattoo is usually a dead givaway...

:hi:

seriously, aside from something that obvious, if a person is a compulsive talker, and feigns interest in what I have to say, that is something I pick up on pretty quick. To me, they are only interested in telling me what's on their mind. Also, I believe it shows a certain amount of basic disrespect for fellow human beings, placing themselves on a pedestal above all others.

[datasuspect]

40. a female who has no female friends

and unresolved or unaddressed childhood sexual abuse issues.

RUN TO THE HILLS!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!

[RetroLounge]

44. Shit, I seem to end marrying these...

:shrug:

RL

[datasuspect]

46. i'm a magnet for them too

[Lethe]

74. unfortunately i would have to agree with your 2nd one

people who have unresolved abuse issues, are just too much. You spend your entire relationship trying to prove that you are not "xxxxxx" person and it just doesnt work

they have to resolve or deal with it.

[rocktivity]

41. They like me.

:evilgrin:
rocknation

[Xipe Totec]

49. Words out of my mouth

That's always the first sign of trouble - lack of judgment.

:rofl:

[rocktivity]

52. "I would never join a club that would have me as a member."

-- Groucho Marx

:rofl:
rocknation

[RetroLounge]

45. AN unhealthy obsession with Oasis...

:evilgrin:

RL

[Maraya1969]

48. When the shoelaces are taken away. n/t

[judaspriestess]

51. when they ask me why I appose the war

like I'm supposed to be all for it.

[baldguy]

53. I started dating one girl...

On our third date I got to meet her parents. While I was there, they got into an argument & the dad got his shotgun out of the closet & pointed it at mom's head.

This was treated as an amusing event by the family members present.

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

55. When their side of the conversation consists solely of

"Ah heered that."

:rofl:

[gollygee]

57. Being way overly familiar, and/or divulging excess personal information

like TMI stuff right off the bat.

[treestar]

60. Monologue conversationalists

People who tell you everything and have very little interest in a back and forth conversation. Especially when they have a ton of misfortunes/drama. I seem to attract those. Maybe I was meant to be a novelist.

[TrogL]

62. Too much eye contact

...or nothing will do but you have to make permanent eye contact with them.

I can't. I'm too busy lip reading and I don't do well with eye contact at the best of times. Normal people don't notice 'cause I'm good at faking it.

A psychopath can't tolerate that.

[rucky]

87. That's my vote, too.

I know my interactions with these types have been creepy and awkward, but I thought it was more me than them. Now that you mention it, though, seems like a sign of aggression.

[skyblue]

64. The usual: Voices and Clothing.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

65. 1. Having three Manhattans before dinner and two more during dinner

and then getting angry when I don't want him to drive me home (thank heavens for Portland's excellent bus system!)
2. Flat affect and/or no sense of humor
3. Indications of "black people scare me" types of racism. Most people nowadays are smart enough not to express blatant racism, but the type of person who crosses the street to avoid a random collection of African-Americans who are waiting for the bus or who refuses to go into the city for shopping or entertainment because of "crime and drugs" (yeah, like there's no crime or drugs in the suburbs) is declaring closet racism.
4. Giving off sexual predator vibes. It's hard to explain what that means, but when those vibes are there, they're unmistakable
5. Being an anger junkie, particularly the type who blames all his/her problems on someone else ("It couldn't be because you're a hot-headed idiot? Nah!")
6. Talking about how creative and spiritual s/he is. People who are really creative and spiritual don't talk about it; they live it. Ditto for men who talk about what nice guys they are, or, as one one-date wonder described himself, "I'm open, honest, and sincere."

[Missy Vixen]

67. Hooo-boy

1. Excessive anger. You've met them five minutes ago, and they are going OFF about something that has nothing to do with you and demanding instant emotional involvement. I'm running away as fast as I can.

2. Someone who does not care to interact with other people -- they're so busy monopolizing the conversation there's no room for anyone else.

3. Bullies.

4. People who can't take responsibility for themselves and demand that everyone else either fight their battles or do their dirty work.

Julie

[Deja Q]

68. Date me for 10.2 weeks and you'll know.

:spray:


(FWIW, I advertise my failings up front if somebody wishes to date. There is no illogic in giving them intentional surprises up front.)

[rurallib]

69. "My religion tells me .............."

[Calliope]

70. Undertipping a waiter or waitress

[gollygee]

94. Also, being rude to waiters and waitresses

I can't stand to see people be rude to waitstaff.

[enigmatic]

72. manipulators

Espescially those who think it's "fun" to manipulate those around them to cover their own asshollary and throw it on those they've treated like shit. Ugh.

And those who treat servers in restuarants like shit, too. I've walked out in the middle of a date after my date rudely treated our server like a indentured servant for the entire meal and then actually had the audacity to try to get me not to leave a tip. That was a nightmare..

[LoZoccolo]

73. I saw this episode of /Cheaters/...

...where they trailed some guy who was cheating on his girlfriend, and he went to Denny's with another woman. As they're getting up to leave, they get him on camera covertly picking up the tip that she left for the waitstaff for himself!

[enigmatic]

76. Oh boy

I probably would have strangled the guy if I had seen that...

[Ivan Sputnik]

75. When they look at you like you're crazy

even though what you've said is perfectly innocuous and normal. That's a sign they are on a very different wavelength.

[Downtown Hound]

77. A lot of abusive relationships in the past.

If she had one somewhere and got out of it and learned from it that's one thing, but when a woman has had many such relationships it always signals very serious unresolved issues. I have a lot of compassion for these women, but trying to maintain a relationship with them just isn't possible.

[NoPasaran]

79. Nervous fidgeting with a couple of ball bearings

Never a good sign.

[Skittles]

80. when they say they enjoy hunting

I don't care much for people who think shooting animals is a swell, fun thing to do

[Nicole]

81. If they can't say what they mean or mean what they say. n/t

[begin_within]

82. Generosity and/or borrowing. Also plaid sport coats.

[Tsiyu]

83. Always talking about how much their stuff cost

or what a deal they got on every single freakin' thing they own. Or pointing out things in someone else's home and noting the value loudly and often.

*Chronic tailgating.

*Men who spend too much time on their hair creep me out. (I don't know why this is.)

*I am instantly alert to the stalker vibe when someone asks too many personal questions right off the bat.

*Still supporting Bush... :silly:(goes without saying here but I said it anyway)

Other than that, I try to be tolerant of most people. I am much pickier in the romance department than in the general acquaintance category.

[dEMOK]

86. I have a problem with a women who has...

...a cross tattooed on the fleshy spot between her thumb & index finger. I don't think I'd fit into her Klan.

[JI7]

89. probably the same as you

people who make up shit that is so obviously a lie. conspiracy theory morons. and when you call them out on their bs or prove them wrong they get angry.

there is one guy i know who always does this. says he has ideas where he knows he could make a lot of money but people are jealous of him or want to rip him off.

[LoZoccolo]

96. The conspiracy theory people annoy me too...

...and I have met someone that does that as well, but I didn't really go into detail enough in the OP to show that the red flag for me is more about how they portray how people they know treat them personally. These people say that everyone treats them bad, so that you'll be afraid of being the next person who treats them bad, so you'll bend over backwards to accommodate their manipulative demands and clingy, needy, behavior. But I'd say the two types go hand in hand in that they show a pattern where someone won't take responsibility for acting on their own situations and want to blame everyone else for what their life is like!

[distantearlywarning]

92. Being unkind to those with less power than them:

Waiters/waitresses, animals, children. That's the number one unforgivable on my list, and a huge red flag that they won't be nice to me later on when the "magic" has worn off a little.

After that - being homophobic, sexist, or racist.

Also, talking shit about previous partners, or talking about fights they had with previous partners where they became violent or broke something.

[MountainLaurel]

93. Wanting to get too involved too quickly

TMI too quickly. I've had both experiences, and both times they were relationships I never should have gotten into to begin with.

[gollygee]

95. I thought of another one - no sense of personal space boundaries

Like people who always stand really really really close to you.

[hippiechick]

101. LMAO ~ so many, I don't even know where to start!

:rofl:

[skygazer]

103. Oddly, being too agreeable

As in, people who don't seem to have an opinion of their own - they just kind of parrot everything you say or do whatever you want to do. I've gotten sucked into those things a couple of times because you don't see it right off - you ask a person, "What do you want to do today?" and they say, "Oh, I don't know, what do you want to do?" And being me, I'll answer with something concrete and they'll agree.

But then down the road a bit I realize that it's ALWAYS like that and I don't like (or particularly trust) people who don't know their own mind enough to make it up once in a while. Have an opinion on something, for crying out loud!

[MonkeyFunk]

104. they offer me sweet tea

while they throw a load of clothes in the dryer.

[smtpgirl]

105. When they say they have cheated in their last

relationship

[Arugula Latte]

106. I'm not saying this is a personality flaw, I'm just saying,

If someone is wearing a cross, I know I'll probably not become friends with her.

I don't relate well to very religious people; I tend not to respect their lack of skepticism and I can't understand their willingness to suspend rationality.

That's just my personal thing garnered from experience.

[Forkboy]

107. People who actually like me make me nervous.

Thankfully,as you already know,that's not something I have to worry about very often. :)

[MiniMandaRuth]

108. Well, big tip-off for me is something that came in handy this year:

If they like drama, they want you to like drama too.


And I'm not talking about theater.