Should I speak my mind? Warning Long Post

[Sewsojm]

I have a close friend who's getting married in August,

About her: 31, born and raised in Pennsylania, barely getting by financially, very honest, very gullible and overly trusting of people, only had 1 boyfriend and was still a virgin until meeting this man. Was working for a child services company until she moved in with him, now has gone back to collage to get her masters degree.

About him: 50, born and raised in Pakistan, Divorced with 2 children (pays child support), Psychiatrist, has lived in the states for about 25 years.

There's not much to say about my friend other than she's a very nice and good person who doesn't have much experience with men, I believe this is only the second man she's been involved with, she met him through a woman she worked with. At first my friend said she wasn't interested in him, but he started sending flowers, wined and dined her, and offered to take her to London for 10 days which she accepted, a month or so later they got engaged and she moved in with him.

I've done some research on him and have found out a few things;

1. He told her he was 40, he's really 50.
2. Told her he owned his house (duplex), he was renting it.
3. Went to his neighbor who is also his landlord and tells her not to speak to or bother my friend because she needed her rest and didn't want anyone bothering her.
4. Has changed his job 3 times in the past year and has now moved to Washington State, my friend will be moving there after the wedding in August away from all of her family and friends here on the east coast.
5. Told her they had to watch their money (she only works part time while she's getting her masters degree) yet he buys himself a new Lexus sports car, takes 2 trips to Brazil, 1 to Washington , and 1 to Pakistan all by himself.
6. Tells her he has some business property in Washington State he needs to sell but doesn't tell her he's really going for a job interview and accepts the job with the Va Administration in their Psychiatry department.
7. Told my friend that the last woman that was living with him was a drunk, left him and stole like $30,000 from him, I found out that this woman was an honor graduate who had won several awards in Pennsylvania and is a Certified Public Accountant.
8. He told her when he lived in Washington State that his business partners there stole money from the business and ruined things for him there, I found out that he represented himself in the Washington courts, lost his case, and then claimed the courts were biased against him.
9. I found out that he was fined by the Immigration and Naturalization Service for hiring illegal immigrats from Pakistan.
10. Found out that the Washington State Department of Health filed a Disciplinary Action against him, I was unable to find out why.
11. He now treats her like a child and makes sick jokes about her religion (Christian) but it doesn't seem to bother her at all. He pats her on the top of her head like a good little girl.

I should state that I'm only friends with her, nothing else, but I am concerned about her. I've seen a big change in her over the past year, she's lost most of her friends and none of her family members likes him but everyone's afraid to say anything because they don't want to loose her entirely. I never would have researched him but things just didn't seem to add up. She does appear to be very happy with him and in the end I guess its really none of my business. What would you do and do you think I'm justified with my concerns?? Should I speak my mind?

Sorry this took so long!

[Shell Beau]

1. I completely understand your concern, but I could see her

resenting you for snooping and still staying with him. Friendships gets ruined over these kind of things. I don't really know what to tell you.

[rug]

2. Tell her.

[Maddy McCall]

3. In most cases, I'd say NO, STAY OUT. In this case...

I'd say TELL HER NOW.

This isn't the silly stuff that most people wonder if they should hold from a best friend. This is some serious shit that will tremendously impact her life and her future. I'm betting that the guy is a con man with serial marriages/engagements.

She needs to book it away from him as fast as she can.

If you were my friend and had discovered stuff this serious, and you didn't tell me, I'd be MAJOR pissed.

[Beaverhausen]

4. This is a tough one

Is he one of those really charming types? My sister married one of those- the rest of us knew what he was and that she was making a mistake. The marriage lasted about 3 years and it took her a long time to get out of all the debt he got her into.

Are there any other friends or family members that you could maybe talk to, see if they also have misgivings about him? I was just going to say you could maybe try a sort of "intervention" but that sounds pretty bad. But if enough other people she trusts say something to her, maybe she will at least think about it.

[Sewsojm]

5. He thinks he is,

He thinks he is, I think he's a manipulative jerk myself. Her family members know about all of this and have seen the documents I was able to find, but their to afraid to say anything.

[Beaverhausen]

6. check the other thread for more replies from me

[seemunkee]

7. Tell her

but be prepared to possibly lose a friend.
At least that is what I would do.

[Sewsojm]

8. If I tell her,

If I tell her what I know and think about him she'll probably hate my guts, I can live with that if it at least makes her stop and think a little bit more about what she's getting herself into, her whole family is already dreading going to the wedding. I wish her brother was man enough to say something but he's pretty worthless, her mother's afraid she'll loose her for good, her father is out of the picture, her sister would love to say something but thinks she'll marry him anyways.

[warrior1]

9. I'm for telling her

now and then it's up to her what she does with this information.


I would want to know.

Be different than this guy who is treating her like a child and you treat her like an adult.

[rug]

21. "He pats her on the top of her head like a good little girl."

Tell her.

[Arugula Latte]

10. Can you mail this list to her anonymously?

Seriously, I think if you don't step in, in a year or two or three when he leaves her in debt up to her eyeballs she'll say "Why didn't you TELL me?"

[GirlinContempt]

13. Would YOU believe some anonymous slur against

the person you loved, trusted and cared for?

In other words, I think anon is a bad route.

[undeterred]

11. The loving thing to do is tell her.

She may be upset and may even cut you off for a while, but believe me, in the long run, you may save her so much heartache.

He is a CON MAN.

[GenDem]

12. I agree with Maddy and some of the others

He could be a con man, abusive, or worse -- and her gullibility could get her in serious trouble. Especially moving far away from any support system.

It may not make any difference and she may resent you, but if something ever happened to her you would never forgive yourself.

[wildhorses]

14. is there any way you can present these facts

without them coming directly from you?

trying to take you out of the equation...

for a couple of reasons

1. to protect your friendship

2. it will possibly be viewed more objectively if she receives this information in a way that she can NOT personalize it...

[Karenca]

15. I never have butt in to anyone's relationships,

but in this case -

I would print what you wrote in your OP and give it to her.

[VenusRising]

16. I'm for telling her.

It sounds like this could progress into a dangerous situation for her. I would want to know, but I would also want proof, so be prepared to show her what you have found. It's not an easy thing to accept, and she might hate you for it, but it's a risk worth taking, I think.

I wish you and your friend the best of luck in this situation, whatever you decided.

:hug:

[Sewsojm]

17. Thanks everyone,

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice, it is appreciated, I know I've been avoiding the inevitable of having to tell her everything, just been trying to get up the courage to do so, it's only a little over 3 months till the wedding and its starting to wear on my mind.

I forgot to mention that her fiance supposedly sold the house they were living in (the house he said he owned) to the same neighbor (his landlord) that he told not to speak to my friend. Then he went and got a one room studio apartment for my friend to move into until the wedding, my friends sister and her boyfriend had to come and help her move out as he had already moved to Washington State (6 month lease on townhouse), all of this happened in about a month and a half with no warning. He also lied to his children about moving to Washington, told them that he would be gone for awhile because of business.

I also forgot one other big thing, my friend caught him using a syringe when she walked in on him in the bathroom, he told her that he has diabetes but was afraid she might leave him if he told her. My friend has never seen any diabetes supplies in the house, I find it hard to believe that someone with diabetes that requires insulin could keep that hidden, my friend knows nothing about diabetes and how a person has to check their blood sugar several times a day. My father was a diabetic so I know what all is involved.

[S n o w b a l l]

18. To hell with the friendship....

This is one situation where I'd say get involved. The list is enough for a rational person to know they're getting involved with a con man.

Send her this post...and to hell with the friendship if that's what happens. If she stays with him, you won't be friends anyway...he'll make sure of that. And mostly, you may very well be saving her life.

If I had a friend who had all this on someone I was seriously involved with, I'd hate them more for not telling me.

This story gave me knots in my stomach. The story & the outcome is so obvious, I'm surprised at some of these responses.

Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

[Sewsojm]

20. Thanks Engi,

I absolutely agree with everything you said, one of the things that's been holding me back is the fact that she's become financially dependent upon him by quiting her job and moving out the apartment she shared with one of her best friends (no longer friends). I was hoping that she'd break it off with him when he told her he took a job in Washington State, she was against it at first but he was able to talk her into it. He also has promised her a new car when she gets to Washington, I guess that's going to be her wedding present.

[otherlander]

19. It disturbs me that people like him are psychiatrists.

[elfrangel]

22. From one who has been there and done that...

I say tell her.

Went through this with one of my best friends in the world. She met a guy, a con, and completely cut off from her family and friends b/c HE was afraid we'd judge him. :eyes: Anyway, he got her to go to Florida with him and he left her there. She worked day and night, literally, to get herself out of the debt he had left her with. Not to mention the fact that the guy stole her car to go to another state. :wtf: Took her a few months, but she finally got on her feet.

About a year later she called, we talked, and I told her that it didn't matter what had happened before; I was just glad she was okay. Truthfully, our relationship has grown from it. Yeah, I lost her for a while, but I had to in order to have what I have now with her. I wouldn't trade it, not any of it.

I never felt bad for not telling her how concerned I was for her, and how I had a real issue with how she went from "Hey, meet my new man." to "I don't want to freak him out." I still loved her, no matter what was going on in her life. She was and still is my best friend.

The question for me was -- What kind of friend would I really be if I DIDN'T tell her my concerns?????

[Sewsojm]

23. Elfrangel

The question for me was -- What kind of friend would I really be if I DIDN'T tell her my concerns?????



That's pretty much what I've been asking myself a lot lately, dang I hate having to do this!

[alarimer]

24. Yes, he's either a con artist or an abuser

She may not listen but at least let her know you have her back if she needs it. She may need a place to stay or what have you when she finally wises up.

[MadMaddie]

25. Abuse warning signs all over this.....she needs to get out.....

[Sewsojm]

26. Update,

Update........her sister called me today to inform me that my friend flew out to Washington yesterday and her fiance took her to order a new car for her, suppose to get it in July. I don't see how I can say anything to her now, she's happier than a pig in ****.

thanks again for all your advice everyone!