What would you do if your SO accused you of cheating?

[ceile]

I have not, nor will I ever cheat. I am floored that he would even accuse me. So, how should I deal with this? Tell him to go take a flying leap? I'm seriously considering kicking him out. Am I over reacting?
:grr:

[ThomCat]

1. That's a difficult question.

I can't offer any advice. However, I can offer you a hug. :hug:

Whatever you end up doing, I hope it works out for the best.

[ceile]

12. Thanks, TC.

I appreciate it.

[Zavulon]

2. Two options.

1.) If he's accused you out of the blue with no basis, hire a private detective. Chances are that he himself cheated.

2.) If he's accused you out of the blue with no basis, dump him immediately. Without trust a relationship has no chance and you're wasting your time continuing in this one.

My recommendation: the second option.

[militaryspouse]

4. ..

Never had to deal with that, but then again, i've never given him reason to doubt me. what brought it on?

[ceile]

15. Stayed at my friend's house past midnight.

The same thing I do every Monday. Except in his head last night was different....:shrug:

[Zavulon]

17. Then definitely take my second option.

This has been brewing for a while if it came out like that. No good can come of sticking this one out, I assure you. Sorry to be so blunt, but I'd bet almost everything I owned on it. I've seen too many cases like this and NONE of them were ever resolved well in the long run (sometimes a night of makeup sex here or there, but over the long run they all blew up).

[ceile]

13. That's what my friends are saying.

He's probably doing the cheating, but I don't buy that for second.
I do however, agree that there is a definite lack of trust on his part-just completely out of the blue! We've been together over three years-I just don't get it.

[Deja Q]

3. Dunno. The first thing I'd do is get checked for every disease imaginable.

And if I turn out to have something, there'd be trouble. Especially if it was a terminal illness; of that my vitriol would be as unleashed as the ex's callousness and sheer disregard towards human life.

Still, anybody bastardly enough to cheat isn't going to give a shit one way or the other. They have no value for their partner's life, their own, or anybody else's -- it's as simple as that.

I'm sorry you were accused. :hug: I dunno what would prompt him to make an accusation, but on the plus side he did bring up what he felt was a concern, rather than hiding his emotions. (though if he kept accusing, then there's a real problem on his side regarding confidence and trust that should be - must be - addressed.)

[ceile]

21. Thanks, HT.

We've had problems lately, but all revolving around money. I'm stressed out too, but I would never accuse him of such a thing.

[supernova]

5. My spouse accused me of cheating

we've been divorced for 10 years this spring.

[usaftmo]

40. Nearly identical situation here

She accused me of cheating on her in late 1999. I sure would like to know who I cheated on her with, because no such thing happened! We separated in early 2000, and I filed for divorce.

To this day she says it's with ______ (insert name). I didn't cheat on her with that particular person, or anyone else for that matter!

Oh well, even though I'm surrounded by casinos I'm not interested in gambling...already had my fill of gambling (read: marriage) for 1 lifetime :-(

[supernova]

42. Sorry the hear that.

:hug:

I did not cheat, but he was so paranoid by that time there was no convincing him otherwise. (He had a host of emotional problems) And I had decided before then that he wasn't interested in anything I had to say. So I stopped trying. :-(

To this day, I'm not sure if he cheated, or was thinking about it, or was just so insecure. Oh well doesn' t matter now.

I like my life a lot better now.

[usaftmo]

44. Thank you.

It sounds like you're on the right path. I feel so awkward about the whole thing. Since getting divorced I've asked out only two people. One said no, and the other one said yes. We were serious for 1 year then she dumped me.

I'm at a loss now. In 4 years I can retire from the military, so I'm already thinking about the later years of my life...and being alone/without a family is a scary thought. :-(

[supernova]

46. No need to feel awkward

if you weren't the one at fault. That's her baggage, not yours.

Thank you for your service. What branch of the military are you in?

[usaftmo]

52. Air Force

My username shows my lack of creativity.

usaf = U.S. Air Force
tmo = Traffic Management Office (my job)

It always feels good to have someone thank me for serving our country. Thank you. :applause:

[Debi]

6. Go straight home

And figure out how you got caught???!!

Okay, not funny.

The only experience I have with this is an ex-husband who accused me of cheating all while he was sleeping with two other women (seemed he liked to start fights w/me and then use them as an excuse to leave and go to one of his girlfriend's homes) :shrug:

Maybe just be calm and dignified and ask why he would think that you were cheating. Maybe he's overly stressed or feeling abandoned or insecure right now or maybe your work/home load has gotten you so distracted or busy that you're not giving him the attention you used to?? Neither an excuse for that kind of accusation, but maybe there is a reason for his odd questions?

[Deja Q]

9. The more I read,

the more the most common response is "If he's accusing (the OP), it's probably he himself is the one who's actually cheating" (and trying to dig up dirt in order to feel better).

It makes sense.

Scary.

Very scary.

:(

[SarahB]

11. Yep.

My ex who used to accuse me cheated early in the marriage and then remained paranoid about me. The thing is that I'm a sexually open-minded person. My feeling is that if my partner needs more, well then maybe it should be explored together safely, but going behind someone's back is always wrong.

[Debi]

14. And it sucks

because the person being loyal in the relationship then tries harder to work things out all while the cheater messes with their head. I had a rough five years after my divorce, couldn't trust a soul and though I was worthless and unwanted. It took major counseling and then Mr. Debi to realize that my ex was the douchebag and I was right to be loyal even through his crap.

Mr. Debi received an 'anonymous' birthday card last month and the first words out of his mouth were "I'm not doing anything wrong". I laughed and told him that I didn't accuse him of anything and that hopefully someday we'd figure it out. We did, a friend called a week later and when he found out what he'd done (and the small amount of tension he'd caused) he felt really bad. Knowing that I didn't have to worry and that Mr. Debi was comfortable in our loyalty to each other made all the difference in the world.

[ceile]

16. He is stressed.

Hates his job, we're broke, feels like a failure, etc etc.....
But the nerve to accuse me....

[Debi]

20. I'm not saying it's right because it is not right

But if he's drowning in insecurities and is hellbent on destroying anything good in his life right now, he might do something stupid (like accusing you of cheating) to make it even worse. Or he could feel like you're not giving as much as you used to (even if you are actually giving more) since his pain or anxiety isn't going away when you're around like it did in the past.

Hell, I'm no psychologist. I just know that when things are rough (financially or work wise or kid wise) Mr. Debi and I bicker more. We've never gone down the 'you're cheating' route, but we've said pretty stupid stuff that we probably wouldn't have said if we weren't broke or stressed or overbooked.

[Morrisons Ghost]

54. Yep

That will do it.He is probably feeling very insecure and inadequate.I've found that when people are having problems with either money,jobs or communication have a tendency to project their feelings onto others. I think sadly that this is human nature.Would your friend happen to be a male?

[Deep13]

7. A couple of observations since you are asking.

Unless the accusation is wholely frivolous with no reasonable basis, you are over reacting. What is the basis of the accusation? Is it a reasonable inference under the circumstances? If so, why do you expect him to think you are absolutely immune from something millions of people have done? If I was in his shoes and you reacted the way your post indicates, I might take it as confirmation of my suspicion and think myself the injured party.

As a side note, you cannot arbitrarily make someone homeless. You can ask him to leave or you can seek eviction procedures, but you cannot "kick him out" willy nilly. I don't care what the lease or the deed says.

[SarahB]

8. My ex used to pull crap like that.

I got so sick of the various mind games, I almost did at the end. Almost.

Then I had the sense to get out of it.

[Kali]

10. If there is no basis, I would consider splitting up.

If this is a newish relationship that kind of thing often heads into much worse abuse. Personally because of bad history with that sort of mistrust, I wouldn't even have the discussion, just adios.

Now if there were some basis, either real or a misunderstanding, I might enter one calm discussion...but that would depend on the nature of the situation and the accusation.

[Forkboy]

18. Hell,it was one of the reasons my wife left me and I never did it.

Nor would I have done so.I think it's just about the shittiest thing you can do to a person.

She was with someone else ten days later.Go figure.

[Marrah_G]

23. Ouch sorry

Seems to me she was just looking for a way out of the relationship and had to find a way to make you the bad guy. Sucks when people you love treat you shabbily.

[bullwinkle428]

19. My experiences echo many of the other posters here -

I was being accused of cheating on several occasions over the years by my ex-wife, and eventually she started an affair which destroyed the marriage...I've been divorced for 6+ years now. I think paranoia often stems directly from guilt - I certainly have no idea if this is what's happening in your case specifically, but it's absolutely not uncommon.

[NewWaveChick1981]

22. My husband half-jokes about my "boyfriend" from time to time.

:eyes: Just because I've taken care of myself and he's let himself go. :( He's extremely insecure, and it's very annoying when he does it.

[militaryspouse]

25. ..

Yikes, I bet the OP is even madder now after reading all these 'he's probably cheating replies'.LOL

If this is the first time he's said it and you guys have strong foundation, I don't see why it's necesary to give him the boot. How many times have women heard stories of their friends man cheating and started to get suspicious of their mate? Maybe he has a friend that was recently cheated on and is now suspicious. you sid you guys haven't been getting along lately...maybe he's trying to see if there's an undertlying reason? I'm a woman but i believe in trying to be objective and not generalizing too much.

[NewWaveChick1981]

28. ...

I know. :)

My husband has said stuff like this off and on the whole time we've been married. It's his insecurity talking, and it's been worse over the past couple of years. There are a lot of reasons he and I are having problems, but this isn't one of them. Sometimes he manufactures reasons or excuses for things, and this is one of those. :(

[bettyellen]

24. i'd find out who he was fucking, because he surely is....

[liontamer]

26. well, he's probably cheating, or thinking about it

He could also just be really insecure. Both are potential deal breakers. But maybe you should ask him why he thinks you're cheating, maybe he has a valid reason, such as someone spreading lies about you.

[Gormy Cuss]

27. Talk to him about it in as calm and nonjudgmental manner as you can.

If you can't do that, you should consider couples counseling or separating because it's not going to go away. You wrote that there's been a lot of stress lately and maybe he said it because he's deeply insecure about himself at the moment. Maybe he regrets saying it. We can't tell from here.

[jobycom]

29. My advice is talk to him, and ignore all of us.

Everyone will tell you their experiences from their realities. Yours may be different. Or it may be the same. If it's a relationship worth saving (and if you got into it in the first place, it should be), try to talk to him, see what's really up. If you can't talk to him, THAT's the real problem, not the cheating accusation.

You say he's under a lot of stress. This may be more of his fear about himself than about you. He may be doubting himself, doubting you would want him, etc. It might make him assume you are looking elsewhere. Or it might be his subconscious way of saying you deserve better. You also mention money problems--it might be his fear that he's not providing enough, ergo, he's not good enough, ergo, you should be looking for someone else.

Or it could be a genuine fear on his part that you are cheating, based on something he's seen or heard or misunderstood. Or it could be a leftover fear from a previous relationship, or it may be that he's reached a stage in your relationship that reminds him of someone else's relationship, where there was cheating. Or it could be something far less sinister, like he was missing you that night and worked himself up into a paranoia over it.

Any idea of his parents went through this? That could create delusions in him.

Or, it could be like everyone says: he's cheating and projecting on you.

No one spouting off two lines of advice to leave him can know what the real story is. You'll have to do the work to figure that one out. Even if you think leaving is the best thing to do, get an idea of what caused it, or you will run that question around your head for years, wondering if you were at fault. Then again, if it's all him, and he's a paranoid ass, don't let it bother you.

Just thoughts. No more useful than anyone else's, probably. Just way longer. Good luck.

[Xithras]

32. Best post of the discussion.

Once, many years ago, my wife accused me of having an affair with one of my TA's. I wasn't. She wasn't cheating either. She was depressed and feeling unattractive after the birth of our second child, she knew I was spending a lot of time with another woman (kinda had to..she was my TA after all), and I was working a hell of a lot so our sex life was suffering. She worked herself into a paranoia and simply convinced herself that I was having an affair.

It took 30 minutes to talk it out. That's it. I didn't freak when she accused me of the affair, I just wanted to know where it came from. We discussed it, I made an extra effort to spend more time with her, and that was the end of it.

When someone accuses you of an affair, it may simply be that they have real fears and are feeling insecure. If you actually care about the person you're with, your concern should be about finding the causes of those fears and insecurities and working them out.

[jpgray]

33. jobycom speaks for me

[ceile]

37. Thanks jobycom.

And for the most part, I think you're right. He feels like a failure (his words, not mine) because all of our friends own their own houses, are having kids, etc. So I understand his insecurity, and I've told him as much. But this is a new low for him-I really think he crossed the line. He's planted a seed of doubt in my head about our future that's going to be difficult not to cultivate.

[jobycom]

63. Understandable.

Trust is hard, and it's even harder after someone has crossed a line like that. I wound up on the flip side of that--I thought my spouse was having affairs, but I decided I should trust her. Turns out she was. She even blamed me not asking her about them, saying she felt like I didn't care. (Yeah, it was just an excuse, but maybe there was some truth in it).

Relationships are hard. Right now I avoid them. :) Though that's getting old, too. Good luck. No matter who the SO is, at some point the relationship is going to be painful and seem not worth it. All long-time couples have survived bad periods like yours (or even mine). Good luck on figuring out whether this is one that needs to survive.

[wildhorses]

30. laugh and tell him how good it was

;)

[Alexander]

31. Whenever I was accused, it was my SO who was actually cheating.

She thought I was running off with this girl at the campus cafe. I wasn't (but I did long after our relationship was over)

Surprise, surprise, she cheated on me a week later.

[datasuspect]

34. me personally

i'd walk out and go get drunk and come home in three days after spending the mortgage money on crack and hookers.

[jobycom]

36. Hey, I think I'll change my vote to this one!

:rofl:

[hfojvt]

35. I'd be flattered.

She thinks somebody else would want me? I must be hawt! :woohoo:

Hmm. Either that, or she's not. See, I can always find the cloud in a silver lining.

[JVS]

38. cheat

[Madrone]

39. I would crack up.

And I do - when he does. :D

He enjoys reminding me why men from my past are buried there.

[SPKrazy]

41. perhaps he has cheated and just assumes that you must be too

projection as a defense mechanism?

hope not

it's at least a possibility that he doesn't trust himself if he doesn't trust you.

my experience has been that if one is confident and secure with themselves, they won't be accusing others.

:shrug:

[hippywife]

43. Probably bust out laughing

followed by him joining in me in the laughter. We always do everything together except work. We have many of the same interests and enjoy being together so, we're never apart except working hours. We also have alot of respect and love for each other.

I would go with jobycom's advice upthread and not do something drastic until you have at least had a conversation about this and find out where it's coming from. It sounds like you already know (his current insecurities) but need to have an evening of serious discussion and a reconfirmation of your commitment.

I hope it all works out for you. :hug:

[PeaceNikki]

45. I had it happen twice.

In one relationship, after years of accusations, I did finally cheat. I figured if I was going to take the abuse, I may as well have "fun". I was young and stupid.

Second relationship, I booted him to the curb post haste.

[GOPisEvil]

47. I think you two need to talk it through.

I know he's got a lot on his plate, but I think he's projecting on to you.

Just start with why he feels that way, and work through it from there.

I wish you two well. :hug:

[cobalt1999]

48. Personally, I'd die laughing

1 wife, 2 daughters, 4 female dogs...the LAST thing I want or need is yet another female in my life so, since I'm not gay, cheating is out of the question. :)

[NNadir]

49. Well in my situation, I'd be flattered.

But that's just me.

Actually I can't believe my wife went out with me, never mind married me. She has, I guess, poor taste in men.

On the serious side, trust defines a relationship. You really need to find out what this is about. It's not a good sign.

[BarenakedLady]

50. I'd ask him to

define "cheating" and laugh maniacally.

:evilgrin:

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

51. I would say...

"and how was your day today, dear?"

After all these years it's become a running gag.

Are you over-reacting? I think so. Jealousy's a common emotion that flairs up in lovers for no apparent reason, makes people do irrational things, then disappears just as mysteriously. He'll probably feel really guilty and embarassed real soon.

[Matsubara]

53. First of all, I would be tell the truth.

Second, I would say that I'm flattered that she thinks anyone would still be interested in me, and appreciate thhat she cares enough to be jealous but that there was no need to worry. If I had done anything that might have looked like flirtation, I would apologize for that. If she continued to push the issue, or if such accusations were a common thing (IE partner is waaaay too insecure) then I would think about a separation.


Anyway, one accusation of infidelity is not necessarily an insult. None of us are perfect, some of us cheat, and some of us are insecure that our mate may be cheating. A little understanding never hurts.

[trof]

55. laugh

[NewJeffCT]

56. My ex-wife did similar

once several months before we got married. I'm guessing it was because she had issues with a former boyfriend (or boyfriends) cheating on her.

But, she freaked out once because she thought she saw somebody else's long hair on the floor of the shower... so, I rolled my eyes and compared these hairs she had found to her own hair and it turned out they matched. (she was practically blind without contacts/glasses, so that could have played a part as well)

Later on, not long after we got married, I remember overhearing her brag to some of her girlfriends how I was the type that would never cheat. So, maybe that was a moment of temporary sanity for her?

[undeterred]

57. It shows a lack of trust

That doesn't mean you are not trustworthy. Sometimes it means the person who says it isn't trustworthy. I would see if you can get him to talk about why he is asking you this and maybe get some couples counseling.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

58. Has he been cheated on in the past?

The reason I ask is because I was cheated on in a serious relationship, and believe me, it creates some unbelievable mind-fucks sometimes in future relationships. If he's as stressed out as you say in other posts, I'd certainly find it plausible that his fears just got the better of him. I can definitely see how that might happen, although he should have more self-restraint and trust his better judgment. But not all of us are always capable of that, and in a moment of weakness...

I'd sit down and have a serious, non-accusatory discussion with him. He's feeling threatened for some reason, probably due to outside insecurities that have little to do with you. Although I'd fully understand the desire to overreact, I think that would have a negative consequence in this situation.

And unlike the other posters, I would NOT automatically assume he's cheating. What an idiotic leap to conclusions that is! There are any number of factors involved here that could be in play here.

[realisticphish]

59. "kicking him out"

will simply verify his suspicion. As said above, TALK to him, ask him why he thinks this, etc.

[Ms_Dem_Meanor]

60. 9 times out of 10...

They are doing the cheating. At least that has been my experience. Tell him to hire "Cheaters" so you can prove his dumb ass wrong. You shouldn't have to prove yourself it he really has any type of faith and trust in you and your relationship. IMO

[DeepBlueC]

61. Dump him

This won't be the last time and it sounds like a desire to control you has been brewing in him. If that is so it only gets worse from here. Maybe he IS the one doing the cheating, but in any case I'd say adios. You have done nothing and he is putting you in the position of defending yourself. You NEVER want to accept that position, not even to make peace. Because that peace won't last.

[RetroLounge]

62. I would get dressed and send my girlfriend home...

:shrug:

RL