I have been suicidal in the past

[Droopy]

And I almost killed myself and took someone with me one time. I was afraid all the time. I thought that people had used and abused me in a way that had ruined my life. Then the fear turned to rage. I thought that if I couldn't live without horrendous pain then I might as well end it all and take away the life of the person who I'd thought had done me the most damage. It was anger so intense that I would have nuked the planet if I would have had the power.

I was lucky that I had a person in my life who I could reveal all of that to without hurting her and she convinced me that I needed help in a desperate way.

I learned in the hospital that I have a mental illness called schizoaffective disorder. It is a disease that is capable of producing psychosis which was what I was suffering from. I have some symptoms of schizophrenia and some symptoms of bipolar disorder. I now take an anti-psychotic and a mood stabilizer.

It's been almost four years since my breakdown and I haven't experienced a symptom since I started the medication.

That young man who killed all those people in Virginia was probably severely ill. He was at the prime age for onset of severe mental illness. If he would have found a way or would have had a person he could open up to they all might still be alive.

I've written about my battles with mental illness on here occasionally. I also helped to start the Mental Health Support Group. It's my way of trying to raise awareness about the issue. We need to start a dialog about mental illness on a national level. We need to find a way to make it easier for people to get help. 1% of the people in this country suffer from schizophrenia. 2% suffer from bipolar disorder. .5% suffer from what I have. That means that 3.5% of the population in this country suffers from a mental illness capable of producing psychosis if it is not treated. The most common onset ages are between 18 and 25.

I have to go to bed now. I work 3rd shift. I will check for replies later. Feel free to ask any questions. I will do my best to answer them.

[Fran Kubelik]

1. Hey Droopy.

No questions from me. Just a :hug: You are so brave.

[Deja Q]

2. So have I.

The difference is, my malady is known as "Asperger's Syndrome". A higher form of autism, it impacts peoples' social and logistic abilities and the condition can be seen in young children, hence its grouping in the 'pervasive developmental disorder' category.

The condition often leads to disorders such as anxiety and depression because such people "don't fit in with their peers", et cetera. We often end up as loners.

People with it are often misdiagnosed with other things if the doctors don't do a sufficient exam.

Doesn't mean we're all out to slaughter a bunch of people either.

I'm more curious what incited that guy's murderous outrage. Just mental illness? Or a psychological response to sufficiently strong stimulus, which also could hark back to mental illness?

Could he have afforded medication?

Lastly, it is easy to infer that our corporate and government officials responsible for our country don't give a damn. About anyone. Unless there's big money involved. Otherwise we're being discarded. Now maybe I'm wrong and I'm always open to other perspectives, but I think our leaders just don't give a damn. Indeed, for all the talk of "national security", this shooting rampage happened all too easily. The guy could just as much have been a real, first degree terrorist.

[Deep13]

6. I know what you mean. nt

[alarimer]

3. I cringe every time they describe people who do things like this as "loners"

Loners have a tough enough time in this society without being branded as someone who could snap at any minute. it certainly isn't true of the vast majority; most of us simply prefer our own company to other humans.

This guy clearly had some other underlying problems besides being a "loner".

[GoddessOfGuinness]

12. And sometimes "loners" are people that nobody ever bothered to get to know...

You're right...statements about loners in this context only make people distrustful and paranoid about folks who don't have a lot of friends.

[Writer]

4. Droopy, I have suffered from depression for twenty years.

Many see depression as not a mental disease but as a mental weakness. Wrong. I am not severe nor psychotic, but there have been days in the last year where I shriveled away, mentally unable to engage even my husband. The physical pain was so heavy. The questions of why I should continue to exist were even more so.

I have to live each day with the effects beset by years of unapologetic cruelty by those closest to me. What's even more difficult is that I have to mask the pain of my life, to pretend that I'm "together" so that I can successfully function in this world and be taken seriously. Mental illness is stigmatized in this country. That young man, whatever problems he may have been enduring, likely needed intervention that he never got.

[Parche]

5. DEP

I feel your pain, it does exist, sometimes you dont realize it until too late.

It has something to do with either a chemical inbalance in brain, or 'wires' not touching
in brain.

:grouphug:

[mzteris]

16. we have a lot in common,

I think.

Why is it NOT OKAY to "feel bad" yet perfectly okay to be physically sick, eh?

[Droopy]

7. Kick

C'mon folks. Let's talk about this. I'm heading out to work. Will check for replies later.

[SPKrazy]

8. You are right Droopy! Stay Strong!

That person might have not done this if he had been intervened upon it's impossible to know for sure. One thing for sure is that our mental health system sucks. We don't have parity with insurance, even Medicare doesn't pay equally for outpatient mental health care, and many people who are mentally ill are disabled and end up on Medicare, but unless they also qualify for Medicaid, or their state's equivalent, or have coinsurance, they are stuck paying 50% of the bill. If you are on a fixed income, how is that supposed to happen.

Of course some states have it better than others as far as having their shit together. But many are struggling with the community mental health system, lack of psychiatrists or advanced practice nurses, nurse practitioners, PA's, clinical social workers, psychologists, counselors, and other. Why? Try making a living working at a community mental health center if you live somewhere that living expenses are high. Our mental health system is a patchwork system designed by a drunken fool if you thought it had actually been designed.

Reagan let the mentally ill out of the institutions, and onto the streets and no one to care for them except the angels of mercy that do help them.

also as for the suicidal stuff and depression, etc.:


I know it isn't just strength that gets us through

but sometimes it's strength that gets us to the next moment of doing better.

Sounds like you have been doing pretty well on your meds d00d.

I've had the experience of having the noose, the place to hang it, the letter, and poof, I lost whatever, broke down, cried, talked to someone. It helped. I haven't been that intense since. There have been other moments in time that weren't so dissimilar. However to date, I've not attempted. I see easily how someone does. The logic and the rest of the world fades into the background somehow, and well, I don't know how to explain it more.

Then there were the drinking days 20+ years ago. Amazed that I'm alive at all from those times.

Be well my friend,

[Deja Q]

9. Seconded!!

Droop, Southpawkicker is still here.

And I am still here. For every bit of anguish I have to endure because, if for nothing else, how often I get laughed at by so-called peers who later demand I carry their banner to defend them (uh, hell no!) or patronized by so-called "peers" and yet I still struggle through each day, focusing on only the core essentials and treat everything else as hyperbole (because it is just that), I survive and prosper.

And, no, it's not easy. Not being alone. Worrying about one's job, the doubletalk and other double standards going on, and almost everything else. Because it is hyperbole; unproven and little more than a glorified game of 'connect the dots' and I know I can't do that even remotely right. And knowing I can't connect the dots is an affirmism of its own.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

11. I'm so glad you're still here too, Dave...

Every time I see I have PM from you, I get excited because I love reading your words! :hug:
Duckie

[SPKrazy]

26. Yay Hypno!

you are a c00l d00d hypno

those so called peers that give you a hard time :grr: they aren't worth it.

you survive and prosper

and yes, i'm still here

by all rights that may defy the odds given some of the places i've been earlier on.

:hug:

[YellowRubberDuckie]

10. SPK...

I'm glad you're still here!
:hug:
I love ya, even though you think you're an asshole!
And Droopy, you will get through this! You have all 100,000 of us here at DU! :grouphug:
Duckie

[SPKrazy]

13. YRD...

I am an asshole! :shrug:

but I love ya too

:hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

14. Yesterday's events make it clear that there's much more that needs to be done

with regard to making help available to people who suffer from mental illnesses...especially to make people aware that there is no shame in seeking help.

Mental illnesses are diseases...NOT character flaws!

Droopy, I hope you can take a little time to express your experience and views to the media. Many radio and TV news shows are seeking comments on this tragedy. I think yours would be most valuable. :hug: Thank you for all that you do! :hug:

[mzteris]

15. I love your candor

and openness about this.

It truly helps.

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

17. my thoughts exactly

very timely and appropriate

and honest

and it's good to see ya too!

dream much now?

stop it

[mzteris]

18. lol....

well - still some weird dreams, but haven't had a scary one in the past two nights. :) (we need a happy dance smilie.)

Now

if I could only get the dog to stop whining to go out at 3:00 in the morning!! :banghead:

[SPKrazy]

19. i don't do dogs, just dreams

call me dream weaver not dog whatever


:rofl:

I wish you well mzteris I know you are good and struggling like the rest of us.

:hug:

[mzteris]

24. thanks.

Validation. It's amazing how such a simple statement as yours can mean. It helps so much.

:hug: back atcha.

[SPKrazy]

25. you are most welcome friend

:hug:

[Connonym]

20. Hugs

:hug: I'm glad you had someone to help you through and so happy that you're here with us. I'm wishing you continued success with your medications. It's hard to talk about mental illness and I admire your courage.

[wildhorses]

21. very brave post and thanks for sharing

:hug:

[Forkboy]

22. I was just thinking of this topic a little while ago.

:think:

[Wapsie B]

23. I know a little bit about what someone with schizoaffective disorders go though,

knowing someone who has that illness. I'm glad you're getting help.

[Arugula Latte]

27. It's so frustrating ...

If you have a problem with, say, your leg or your stomach or your eye, you go to a doctor and see what can be done. Yet, if your brain chemistry/wiring is off, you start with the huge hurdle of recognizing/dealing the problem using the very organ that is afflicted. Very hard to overcome, in many cases. Those who battle through these conditions have my utmost respect.

[SPKrazy]

28. not only that

but even many trained health care providers don't recognize it or tend towards throwing only meds at it and not getting people help they need with coping, etc.

:thumbsup: