My friend just died (car crash). His widow's my ex-lover. HELP!

[Westegg]

Okay, OBVIOUSLY it's insanely depressing that he died out of the blue. Let's get that out of the way up front. I'm back in my hometown for the first time in 4 years, and for what will be several days dealing with this death, the funeral, all that stuff. My friend (Marc) was the kind of pal that when you get to my age (I'm 36), and you hadn't been in the same place for a dozen years or so (I was in L.A., he was in Boston), you drifted apart. Not that I don't still love the man. I'm freaked out that he's gone. But his wife was my high-school girlfriend back in Cleveland. I was a senior, Sarah was a freshman. After she and I broke up, my freshman year in college, she ended up with Marc, and the marriage and all that. I was thrilled at the time-- Sarah was not the kind of woman I thought would be able to deal with my long-term goals. I thought it was great when she and Marc hooked up. Problem solved. Hearts that were broken became mended. (Deep down, I always suspected that Marc wanted Sarah. He never had the balls to mention it to me, however).

Okay, my point: First night back, and I'm all supportive of Sarah, along with many others. She's just lost her husband. Terrible thing. Second night back-- night before the funeral, mind you-- I stop by her and Marc's house to see how she is. Next thing you know, a bottle of wine's been killed, a joint's been smoked, and SHE'S KISSING ME. (I should have mentioned before: I've been divorced for five years). Did I let this happen, did I egg it on? Probably. Guilty as charged. Do I feel bad about it? Kinda. Not as bad as I expected I might. Like they say: Takes 2 to tango.
My question to you all? How awful is this? It seems like, according to her, they were going to get divorced soon. I can't get his side of the story, obviously.

[guitar man]

1. Boy, that's a tough one

People react to grief in different ways, sometimes strange ways. It may be very possible that the divorce was forthcoming and she may have lost most of the affection she had for him years ago. Or, she could just be acting out from the shock and grief of the loss.

I can't tell you what to do about it, all the advicr I can give you is to remember you have to live with yourself afterward. She IS in a vulnerable state right now, so let your conscience as well as your common sense be your guide.

[Richard Steele]

2. Happens more often than you might think.

Grief is a very powerful thing, and people do strange
things under its influence.

How awful? Not much, so far. Wine + etc = "common mistake".
Could happen to anyone, and often does.

But, take it any farther now that you've had time to think, and
THEN you're moving into "bad person" territory.

Just my 2 cents.

[Kajsa]

3. I'm sorry for your lose,Westegg.

he was your friend so it's hard on you, too.

But please be careful.

People do things they wouldn't ordinarily do when they are grieving, sometimes.

Don't do anything you'll later regret.

[Kali]

4. wait at LEAST 6 months, a year would be better.

you will both lose all respect for each other and possibly yourselves if you do not put some time into the grief process.

[JVS]

5. My condolences.

as far as the hanky-panky, marriage does end at the death of a party to the marriage, however it is usually considered good form for the bereaved to observe some kind of mourning period. I consider a year to be appropriate. If you're going to follow up on this, be sure to be discreet so as not to gain ostracization from people within the community who will hold you and especially her to the expectation of observing the mourning period.

[jgraz]

6. Sometimes after a death people just want to do something to feel alive

I experienced a similar situation a few years back, following a friend's suicide. Sex is one way of affirming life (and a pretty damn good one, IMHO). I wouldn't pile too much baggage on this. Give yourself (and her) a break.

[Maddy McCall]

7. It's fucked up.

Keep your distance so that you don't do anything that you'll regret, or that she'll regret. You're there for a funeral, not to pick up the widow.

(Sorry if I sound callous...I'm in fight-or-flight mode because of the number of stupid threads that are popping up in GD tonight. :) )

[crim son]

8. Continue to express your support

and no more kissing! What happened might not be a mistake but now is certainly the worst possible time to pursue it. Be there as a friend, is all you can do.

My condolences. I'm sorry to hear about your friend.

[LibraLiz1973]

9. That poor woman- and you too!

It's a tough one all the way around. Don't beat yourself or eachother up. It just happened.


On edit: Don't forget what Chaz Reinhold said: "Grief is natures most powerful aphrodisiac"

Ok... had to throw in the obligatory Wedding Crashers reference.

[Westegg]

10. Thanks for all the help in a tough situation!

I've gotten some really good feedback here and I appreciate it. Hell, I NEEDED it. It's funny (or maybe "strange" is the better word) how you find yourself in a certain situation and you think you know what's really happening but you only know what's happening for that one moment-- and you have to realize that tomorrow, and the rest of the future, is likely to be very different. Some nights, and some monents mean something for all time-- and some nights and some moments don't, I guess. A smart man knows the difference. I should have probably figured this out at my age, but I confess that I haven't!

[hickman]

11. Maybe you were just there. A warm familiar body.

Maybe they were breaking up. Are you trying to do a oneupmanship on a dead guy? You'll win for awhile.

[judaspriestess]

12. You are both adults

but mainly, people react to tragedy in their own ways, these are obviously both of yours. It is what it is.