Bible questions that would irritate Sunday School teachers the world over

[jpgray]

Who was in Nod for Cain to live with if he and his bro were the kids of the first people on Earth?

How does Leviticus feel about your poly-cotton blend skirt?

[MadAsHellNewYorker]

1. Who did Cain marry is another good one

:D

[GoddessOfGuinness]

52. A fundy once told me that Cain married his sister.

Inbreeding like that would certainly explain why the human race is so fucked up.

[MadAsHellNewYorker]

78. but at that time, g-d made it so genetics aren't what they are today...

at least thats what I was taught at Hebrew School :crazy:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

111. ...

:spray:
Any excuse to avoid facing reality...

[Chan790]

2. Answers:

1.) Vampires.

2.) Leviticus says poly-cotton blends are never in style. Skirts are hot now though. It's in the new Cosmopolitan (Cosmo 12:1-6)

[Kat45]

3. Maybe A&E had a shitload of kids, like the fundie families do today

and the other black sheep of the family followed Cain out there. :shrug:

[JVS]

4. Are the historic creeds scriptural? I think we need a line by line proof...

of the Athanasian Creed.

[Roon]

5. Is it a sin to eat at reb lobster?

eom

[JVS]

6. or cracker barrel, or olive garden?

[JVS]

72. Christ Jesus said that it is what comes out of a man's mouth that defiles him...

and not what goes in. This has traditionally been interpreted as an abolition of old testament dietary laws.

[youthere]

102. Did Christ abolish poly-cotton blends?

[JVS]

106. I'm wearing 100% Cotton

;-)
Although in confession formulae it is not uncommon to see phrases about confessing sins "known and unknown". If God is upset at my clothing, who am I to fight him? I have no defence and can only hope for his mercy.

[youthere]

108. ...

:rofl:

[youthere]

109. ...

:rofl:

[Critters2]

7. EVery SS teacher who's been doing it for more than two weeks

with kids older than 1st grade has heard that first one. And every kid who asks it thinks she's the VERY FIRST person to EVER notice that part of the story.

There are two creation stories, too. Or didn't you notice the really obvious inconsistencies?

[jpgray]

8. That doesn't answer the question

And as a follow-up, how did God create all the billions of stars and planets and interstellar objects in -one- day, whereas it took him four days to make the Earth and the Sun?

:P

[Critters2]

9. Umm...I don't believe it took just one day

Jesus died to take away my sin, not my brain.

[JVS]

10. The timeline works like this

1. Adam + Eve
2. Cain and Abel Born
3. Abel killed, Cain sent to Nod

Now sometime between 1 and 2 or 2 and 3 some women were born and went to Nod, but the bible doesn't care about women much so nobody bothered record it. They only merit mention in connection with Cain going there.

[jpgray]

11. Someone should tell Eve that a vagina isn't a clown car

:hide:

[JVS]

13. Like she'd fucking listen! She was already told to avoid the apple!

[MonkeyFunk]

12. or how did God create plants

before creating day and night? (Gen 1:11 v Gen 1:15-19)

[MonkeyFunk]

14. But

the reliability of the Old Testament is key to believing the New Testament. The prophecies of Daniel are put forth as proof of Christ's divinity.

If the Old Testament is just a bunch of stories, then why is the New Testament any more reliable?

[jpgray]

16. Let's not forget Joseph and Mary--most uneventful honeymoon ever?

[Critters2]

18. I tend to look at the large themes, not the individual stories, for my

inspiration. I take the Bible seriously, not literally.

I'm always amazed by the number of atheists and agnostics who are literalists. I'd think that would make your brain hurt.

[jpgray]

23. I think the atheists you refer to aren't literalists, but are attacking literalists

C.f. those who think the Earth is 6,000 years old, who insist Creationism is the only acceptable curriculum, etc.

[Critters2]

26. Yes, but if I tell them I don't believe such things, they tell me I MUST

or I'm not a Christian. If it's not Evangelical Fundies telling me I'm not a Christian, it's Atheists and Agnostics.

I'm a uniter, not a divider. Apparently.

[jpgray]

28. Well, you're doing the same thing you abhor--generalizing about a diverse group of people

Just as not every Christian is a literalist when it comes to the Bible, not every atheist assumes all Christians must be literalists. In fact, none of the knowledgeable ones should engage in that behavior.

[Critters2]

31. I was married to one. And he had friends.

I heard it all the time...."But how can you be a Christian if you don't believe...Mary was a virgin...the earth was created in 7 days...the earth stood still...Noah carried all species on the Ark...Jesus walked on water...?

I'd finally concede. Yep, I'm not a Christian. Because, after all, YOU are the arbiter of who is and who is not a Christian. :eyes:

[MonkeyFunk]

25. But even without literalism

the one basic tenet required to be a Christian is to believe that Christ was the son of God, was crucified, died, and was resurrected.

It's hard to believe that figuratively, and still believe in christianity. And much of the Old Testament is used to show Christ's divinity.

So whether every story is true or not, there is at least ONE thread that runs through the bible that people MUST believe in order to be considered Christians. So how do we decide which stories are true and which aren't?

[Critters2]

29. Again, I look at the larger themes--God's constant grace and forgiveness

the prophets' calls to justice and peace, Christ's reaffirmations of what the prophets taught, freedom from fear of all kinds--including death. These are the truths of the Bible.

Not that I expect you to be satisfied with that. But then, I'm not a Christian to impress you.

[MonkeyFunk]

32. Well we can both agree that's probably best

but what about Jesus' divinity, and how that's at least in part predicated on the Old Testament?

I repeat - how do we decide which are just stories, and which are true?

[Critters2]

34. Obviously, one simply picks and chooses. nt

[JVS]

50. That made me uneasy too. Then I realized that it wasn't my job to decide what...

is true and what isn't. So I joined the Missouri Synod!

[Critters2]

56. yep, they'll decide for ya!! nt

[youthere]

104. I was raised in the Missouri Synod...

:scared: but I'm okay now.

[jpgray]

33. Well there were the Nestorian Christians, etc.

And there are plenty of sects that recognize Christ as a human messiah as opposed to a direct incarnation of the divine. But yes, almost all the major Christian faiths are based around that idea.

[Fran Kubelik]

89. I disagree that it is a requirement to being a Christian

There are many Christian theologians who will tell you that it is irrelevant whether Jesus was born to a virgin. In fact, you can almost bet that he was not. The story built up around Jesus was designed to challenge the Roman empire, whose mythology held that their emperors were born of a human mother and a god father.
There is a whole mess of us Christians who think Christ\'s divinity (at least as it is expressed in the Bible) might be irrelevant. He was a great prophet and teacher, and I will always do my best to pattern my behavior after the example he set.

[Chan790]

19. Why do you hate Jesus?

Doncha know he died so you could own an Escalade, spit on homeless people, hate gays and sleep with the maid? :sarcasm: :hide:

Actually he was a socialist who hated conservatives...I think there are a lot of GOPers who are going to be sorely disappointed with their post-life accommodations.

[JoDog]

93. The double creation stories

are how the priest who handled my confirmation explained it. The story of Adam and Eve is the story of the creation of the Hebrew tribes. The other creation story (where the man and woman aren't named, and both are made from dust) is the explanation of the creation of the non-Jewish people. Cain went off and married a descendent of the people of the original creation story, His family line was then separated from that of the tribes forever.

[Frank Cannon]

103. There are also two different genealogies listed for Jesus

Which I've often heard explained as the bloodline through Joseph and the bloodline through Mary. But the bloodline through Joseph doesn't make any sense since Joseph supposedly wasn't Jesus' father.

Go figure.

[Shell Beau]

15. I really almost hate these kind of questions. Beliefs are not going

to be made or changed, not that that is what you are getting at, but that is what it will become!

[jpgray]

17. I hope no one takes this thread that seriously--my fault if someone does

:dunce:

[Critters2]

20. You've never visited R/T, have you? nt

[jpgray]

22. Nope

I don't think my beliefs on theology are unique or valuable enough to share. :D

[Critters2]

24. Neither will anyone over there. Trust me. nt

[Shell Beau]

21. You know how the lounge can get!!

:P

[Arugula Latte]

27. Do people really believe that Jesus was the only magical human in the universe's history?

Do people really think that, of all the billions of planets, ours is the very mostest specialist, and Jesus was the mostest specialist primate ever, and that, after billions of years, the Diety chose Mary to bear this magic man, and then he died for our sins (uh huh), and he's coming back any day now? Seriously, do people really believe that? And if they do believe that, how do they convince themselves of such a story? That's what I'd like to know.

[Critters2]

30. Making fun of people's faith is really not an attractive trait.

Thought you should know.

[MonkeyFunk]

35. Neither is making fun of people's

hometown. Thought you should know.

[Critters2]

37. It was my hometown, too,

Have Christians broken into your car? Did a Christian cop beat up a friend of yours when she refused to serve you more booze?

[jpgray]

39. Ann Ecdotal and her many friends aside

Generalizing is a bad thing, which should be apparent since you've been on the wrong end of it yourself.

[Critters2]

40. Four break-ins in a year. That's statistically significant.

And, if it's recorded on videotape, it's not anecdotal. Much as the Chicago PD might wish.

[jpgray]

42. In a city the size of Chicago, it isn't.

In the sprawling metropolis of St. Cloud (around 45,000 people), my friend has his car broken into six times while parked in our high school parking lot. By your logic, St. Cloud high schools are more dangerous and crime-ridden than Chicago.

[Critters2]

44. Do people in St. Cloud refer to their public high schools as "snake pits"? nt

[Critters2]

You're right.

Chicago is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful city I've ever known in my life.

That's the meme, right?

[jpgray]

48. No, the meme is to avoid generalizing about millions of people based on anecdotal experience

It certainly isn't any fun when people do that with regard to Christians, is it? I imagine Chicagoans would feel the same way.

[Critters2]

51. Chicagoans do it themselves.

Like calling their public schools "snake pits", as one Chicago DUer likes to do.

I lived in Chicago, was the victim of crime there (as was JasonC quite recently), found it dirty, with poor public transportation, and generally an unpleasant experience. I speak out of that experience. It was loathsome on a good day.

But I did live there, and I am speaking from experience. And all the bitching at me that Chicagoans on this board do doesn't change that experience. Indeed, it reinforces it.

BUt if you want to believe it's the greatest city in the world, you go right ahead and believe that.

I'll be putting you on ignore.

[jpgray]

55. I'm not pro-Chicago or anti-you, I'm anti-generalization

I guess I thought you were the same way. Sorry. :(

[MonkeyFunk]

59. Ah

you see SOME generalizations are offensive, and others are perfectly warranted. :eyes:

[JoDog]

94. Whatever gets Daley his olympics

[Blue-Jay]

96. You don't know much about statistics, do you?

Your four break-ins are the exact opposite of "significant", mathematically speaking. Stop saying dumb things.

[MonkeyFunk]

46. Have I said one word

disparaging of Christians in this thread?

[JVS]

80. you know THAT barmaid? The one the off duty cop attacked?

[Susang]

81. No, I don't think she knows that bartender

She's just using a highly publicized case of police brutality to make a point. Funny thing is, the cop was Italian, notoriously devout Catholics. It's easy to generalize when you're looking for it, dontcha think? ;-)

[Critters2]

92. Did your kid avoid the snake pit?

Or will s/he have to *gasp* go to a public school?!

[Arugula Latte]

36. Well, I know I can be an ass. But still, I just don't get it, and I never get a good explanation.

It's always just brushed away as "faith" and therefore untouchable and how dare I question it. But how do you have faith in such things? I truly don't get it. I also don't get the Earthcentricity and last-two-milleniumcentricity of these beliefs.

I've never received an explanation to my questions, and I doubt I ever will.

Anyway, this wasn't meant to be a serious thread. I'll shut up now.

[Critters2]

38. Because Christians are morans. Obviously. nt

[Arugula Latte]

41. Well, that's another non-explanation.

So either I swallow all these beliefs without question and nod my head like a good little robot, or I'm a jackass/jerk/insensitive creep.

I'll never get an explanation for why Christianity ignores the rest of the universe and why it thinks the last 2,000 years were the only time frame that matters.

Oops, did I say I was going to shut up? ...

[Critters2]

43. Who's ignoring all but the last 2000 years?

Can you cite references?

[Arugula Latte]

45. It's just a reference to Jesus being the focus of everything.

What about possible life forms on other planets? What about the billions of years that have passed before Jesus? Why would someone think that our little planet in our little galaxy is so special, and that, after three billion years of evolution, this tiny little sliver of time produced the most important creature the universe has ever seen? I just don't get it.

[Critters2]

47. This won't do it for you, so I don't know why I'm bothering, but

the coming of Jesus had to happen at some time in some place. Whenever that was, there would have been time before and time after. There would have been other places. The point for us after is to live as he taught us, to love others, to do justice and love kindness. To do that whenever we touch other lives.

So, the problem is, what...Jesus didn't come to Martians? Or you had another date picked out? What?

[Arugula Latte]

54. ...

I guess we'll never get to the bottom of it, because I will never, ever believe that Jesus was anything other than a mortal human. I don't believe there has ever been a magical, supernatural creature born. I have no problem with Jesus' teachings on love and justice -- I wish more would follow that. But the other stuff to me is so patently a case of humans placing themselves at the center of the universe, when, really, we're just a bunch of evolved apes on one lucky little planet in an unremarkable galaxy in an incomprehensibly large universe in a span of time that is impossible for the mind to grasp.

You will continue to believe that this magical Jesus died for your sins, and I will continue to be amazed that people actually think that that is true ... Frankly, never the twain shall meet.

Peace.

[Critters2]

58. I don't actually believe Jesus died for my sins

Please stop deciding what I believe. It's hard enough for me. I can't imagine what makes you qualified.

[MonkeyFunk]

60. I see

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=6425627&mesg_id=6425721


it's hard to keep up.

[Critters2]

61. See, that was a joke.

Why do atheists have no sense of humor?

[Arugula Latte]

63. It sure didn't read as a joke. nt

[Critters2]

66. Okay, does this help:

Jesus died to take away my sin, not my brain. LOL.


Good night.

[MonkeyFunk]

65. Which one was a joke?

the instance you said jesus died for your sins, or the instance where you denied believing that?

Perhaps your humor would be easier to spot if you weren't so deadpan.

[Critters2]

67. I really am going to ignore you now. Buh-bye. nt

[MonkeyFunk]

69. Yes

I'm sure that's the Christian thing to do.

[Critters2]

73. One last one, since you seem to need to keep this up

Jesus actually recommended shaking the dust off one's feet and leaving when it was clear one was getting nowhere in a relationship.

That's what the ignore button is for.

Like this...

[MonkeyFunk]

75. heheh

How was I unwelcoming (which was the basis of Jesus' quote)? I politely asked you to explain things that you said.

Anyway, I'll consider it an honor to be ignored - it means a lot to me.

[Susang]

83. Funny, 12 years of Catholic school and I was never taught that one

But like you said, you pick and choose.

[Name removed]

84. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Critters2]

91. I don't believe Jesus died for my sins, as I've already stated.

I do believe Jesus is the Son of God.

Christianity is more than a sport for me.

[JVS]

68. Quit pestering the cleric!

There's plenty of fun to be had without getting on people's cases.

[MonkeyFunk]

71. Yes

You know the Romans used to kill Christians by asking them politely for explanations.

St. Lucretius of Crete was martyred by queries.

[JVS]

76. I just searched for Saint Lucretia and found the coolest page ever

WIKIPEDIA IN SCOT!

http://sco.wikipedia.org/wiki/St._Lucretia

[MonkeyFunk]

77. OMG...

:rofl:


That's awesome!

St. Lucretia wis a virgin mairtyr o wastern Spain that wis pitten tae daith in Merida in throu the Roman Persecutions. Her feast day is the 22nt o November.

Taen frae "http://sco.wikipedia.org/wiki/St._Lucretia"

[Arugula Latte]

62. Yes -- as JVS pointed out, post # 9 was what I based that on.

"Jesus died to take away my sin, not my brain."

That's what you wrote ... So, silly me, I concluded that you believed Jesus died for your sins. :shrug:

[Critters2]

64. Well, for clarity, I don't believe in substitutionary atonement

I'm a Girardian. And a tired one at that.

'Night.

[JVS]

70. That was monkeyfunk, not me

I merely cited the Athanasian Creed to dispell any notions of Christ having a non-eternal nature

[JVS]

49. There was not a moment that passed before Jesus

http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/creeds2.iv.i.iv.html

Look at line 10

[Critters2]

53. I don't believe that.

I belong to a non-creedal church, so quoting creeds at me isn't really useful.

[JVS]

57. Well, I was just letting Oregonian know that the presumption that there...

was a time before Christ doesn't fly with all Christians

[Manifestor_of_Light]

85. The christians have to ignore the Old Testament to believe Jesus is the Messiah

According to the Jews, Jesus is NOT the messiah because he does not fit the requirements set forth in the OT.

See: www.jewsforjudaism.com

Also, the Hebrew word that was translated as "virgin" means "young woman", not explicitly virgin, so who knows?

I don't believe in original sin or substitutionary atonement.
Read "Letters from the Earth" by Mark Twain. He said all that needs to be said.

Christians use the OT psycho, angry old man, mass murdering for no reason God, when it suits their purposes. They forget about stuff like feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, blah blah blah.

Many Christians tell other people they are going to hell because they don't believe the way they do, and then they wonder why those of us with other beliefs AVOID them ENTIRELY!!!!

[Fran Kubelik]

95. *some* christians

Just wanted to clarify that. ;)

Christians use the OT psycho, angry old man, mass murdering for no reason God, when it suits their purposes. They forget about stuff like feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, blah blah blah.

There are a whole lot of Christians who do not fit the above description.

[jpgray]

74. Just to be clear, this is a silly Lounge thread--nobody's belief system should be at stake here

So far most of the disagreement is polite, so I hope the thread doesn't get locked. :scared:

[bridgit]

79. groovy...

[Dr Fate]

82. Do robots with human brains have souls?

Are there pirates in hell?

[Saphire]

86. Adam and Eve were the first, but the Bible never says they were

the only ones created.

[meegbear]

87. Did the Corinthians write back?

:shrug:

[Fran Kubelik]

90. Very good question.

:D

[PVnRT]

88. Does my penis make me a bad boy?

n/t

[Arugula Latte]

100. Yes.

Next question ...

[LaraMN]

97. NoelMN asked me the other week if God is an elf.

Perhaps the Agnostic Mother/Christian Father thing is a bit more confusing than I had previously acknowledged.

[TZ]

98. true story...

My family is Jewish. My older sister was 2 when I was born at a Catholic Hospital. When they were taking my mom in to have me she looked up at the crucifix on the wall and said "Mommy what's that man doing up there on that thing?" Knowing two year olds it probably wasn't quiet either....:rofl:

[SOteric]

99. Since I actually managed to irritate a nun,

I'll just repost this little story from my journal...

****

People who know me well have, from time to time asked about the persistent, recurring pranks I exchange with my brothers.

An old Italian proverb tells us that "Vengeance is a dish best served cold."


My two oldest brothers, Tony and Al were born in Parma, Italy and spoke Italian, then learnt English. Joey, Mike and I all spoke English primarily, but picked up Italian in the home. I was 7 years old at the time and hadn't a clue about the birds and the bees.


My father used to smoke a pipe. Mom would usually have his pipe & tobacco and a glass of red wine, some cheese and some fruit waiting for him at the end of his day. Almost as a tender ritual between them, my father would greet these assembled nurtures by loudly announcing: "You see why I marry this woman! So good to me!"

Sometimes Mom would cut the fruit, gather the cheese and pour the wine and she'd let me put out the pipe. To which Papa would add an announcement, "'Bina, you make some lucky man a fine wife one day if you take some time from all your babies and make him a good pipe." Then he'd show me how to pack it and I'd poke my tiny finger into the top firmly and proudly.


One day at Sunday School, Lorenzo Alvraci, also 7, wondered out loud 'why Joseph wanted to marry the Virgin Mary, 'cause after all she was going to be busy being the mother of God and having people pray to her all the time.' In the flawless Italian precisely coached by my brother Al, I responded "Forse lei gli ha fatto una bella pipa." Literally, "Maybe she gave him a lovely pipe."


That would be literal, though. If you said that to an Italian in just that way, an Italian such as for instance, Sister Sophia the Sunday School teacher, the cultural meaning would be equivalent to: "Maybe she gave him a really great blow job."


The Roman Catholic penance for impuning the virtue of the Virgin Mary involves a shrieking nun, a bar of soap and an entire novena.


'Nuff said.

[youthere]

105. Oh no You dinnit!

That's a HILARIOUS story!
You're going to hell for sure..you said "blow job" to a nun. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[Fran Kubelik]

107. holy mother of god that is funny

:rofl:

[youthere]

101. Here's the one I asked my Sunday School teacher...

and she wrote a note home to my parents about it:

Who made the water?

In Genesis 1:2 : 2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.


She said I was "disruptive".

[Deep13]

110. Why do two of the Gospels give different geneologies for Jesus?

And why list Joseph's lineage at all if Jesus' father was a spirit?