A lifelong friend of mine is going through an unexpected divorce...

[Fountain79]

What's the best way to console him? He never saw this coming and it honestly was one of those marriages I thought would go the distance.

[RetroLounge]

1. Believe me, you cannot console him...

Just be there, listen if he wants to talk, let him rant if he wants, just make sure he knows you are there for him.

and don't talk trash about his wife in case they reconcile.

RL

[Fountain79]

2. I don't plan on trash talking her...

i really liked her actually. I think he is in a state of shock right now more than anything.

[RetroLounge]

3. I know...

Just talking from experience...

i never saw it coming either, but it did, and the shock lasts awhile...

RL

[Fountain79]

4. Would setting up a guys' weekend help? n/t

[RetroLounge]

5. Poker, beer and hookers?

Could help...

RL

p.s. j/k about the hookers...

[havocmom]

7. Go to the book store. Pick up some books and educate yourself.

Parties are not the best answer right away. ;)

[havocmom]

6. And 'shock' is just the right word. Our bodies sorta go into and stay in shock mode

complete with all the associated responses and over responses.

Patience and real concern get us through.

Helps to have a friend remind us to take care of our physical health. Little things like food, sleep, safety sometimes fall by the wayside.

Then, when the shock wears off, there is the matter of too much time on one's hands.

Help a friend try new things later on.

And did I mention patience?

We get by with a little help from our friends. Peer support groups are a huge help too.

Shock, yep, complete with heart pounding anxiety attacks, poor concentration/memory, more accident prone, constant feeling of being threatened....

Shock. It really wears you down. More than just surprise, shock can kill you. It is a very real physical response and it can go on for months. Very damaging.

Our friends watch over us and try to buffer the responses, keep us within safe bounds, drop by to make sure we are eating good food now and then.

Shock can kill. It needs to be taken seriously.

[zingaro]

8. Oh. God. So that's what it is?

"Shock, yep, complete with heart pounding anxiety attacks, poor concentration/memory, more accident prone, constant feeling of being threatened....

Shock. It really wears you down. More than just surprise, shock can kill you. It is a very real physical response and it can go on for months."

Shock. And I thought it was just a little passing anxiety. Thanks for the word.

[RetroLounge]

9. ...

:hug:

RL

[havocmom]

16. When I was getting along in my recovery from the shock and building a new life

I joined the facilitator group leading the peer support groups that were so valuable to me. We saw lots of 'shock' Real primal stuff - fight or flee mode, but 24/7 for weeks or months for people. It is horrible to witness, worse to live. But it is easier when you actually understand a bit more about how the body is responding to the emotional stress.

While in the worst of it, I had months of odd spontaneous bruising. It would be symmetrical and started in my extremities, slowly (over months) working up to torso. Looked like someone too a bat to me. Doctor was hard to convince that the things just appeared - no beatings, no falls, just bruises.

Shortness of breath? Yep, it happens. It is a GREAT time to take up meditation and/or yoga or tai-che; anything you can do as a discipline to focus on breathing is a big help. Takes time out of the 'worry & fret column' and teaches us to put time INTO the 'take care of yourself column' at a time that is most helpful too ;)

Amazing how much better one feels when one breaths deeply and slowly again. In the middle of the shock, we tend to do rapid and shallow, which only feeds the beast with what it does to blood chemistry.

If you can swing it, massage is good too. DEEP MUSCLE if you can take it. The tension is held in our bodies - ready to flee action. It causes all sorts of other problems which make us feel bad. Things pile on and we get overwhelmed. Massage reminds the body what feeling good and relaxed is like. It breaks the cycle of tension feeding more tension. And our bodies, used to human touch in a partnership, seem to go through a sort of withdrawal when that touch is gone. Massage helps that too.

If you go for massage, do not be surprised if you find yourself crying at some point in the therapy. As the knots let go, sometimes we experience a reaction to the covered memory of the event that put the knots there in the first place ;) Release of knot = release of wastes from the muscles = temporary disruption of normal blood chemistry. It can make you sick to your stomach to the point of vomiting. It's a good thing. Means that session did some REAL good. Crying, sobbing, puking, well, it is your body throwing off some bad shit it has been storing up during all the bad days/weeks/months/years.

Pay attention to nutrition too. It's a good time to pick up some books and do some learning! If you can't eat much, do look to help from a good doctor re supplements. And EXERCISE! Give all that adrenalin something constructive to do.

A new health/exercise program might help you meet new people NO, not for dating/mating. Hold off on that until you are less tender and needy (you'll make wiser choices later ;) ). But we all need friends and people to share interests with. Now is the time to start exploring what your interests are and new people can be very inspirational in that direction. Hell, I am willing to bet you find some areas where you have some real talent but never knew about it. I am willing to bet you find you are good at helping others after you get down your own road to recovery.

As horrible as it is, the end of a well established primary relationship can be a point of evolution for each of us. There will come a time when you look back from the other end of the tunnel you may be in now and say "WOW! It was hell, but damn! Look at how much bigger and better I am now!"

There is light at the end of the tunnel. When you get through it, it is a very bright world.

Know survival is possible. When you REALLY understand that, you will probably find you have energy and strength to lend to someone in the dark part. Helping someone else through to sunshine is also healing for yourself. You will NEVER be able to repay those who helped pull you through. You can only pay the debt by helping the next guy.

We all get by with a little help from our friends. And we have no idea how many friends we have out there, just waiting to make our acquaintance.

As bad as it may feel today, today is NOT what forever feels like.

Trust ol havocmom on this :hug:

[zingaro]

17. So if I were to say

that I'm sitting here weeping as I read this, you'd understand then, right?

I'm not divorcing (yet) but I discovered recently that my husband was cheating. We're going the counseling route. He's pliable and open to suggestion but nothing is certain at this point. I guess that leaves me sort of In Fugue, or something like that anyway.

For weeks, I shook. My hands trembled so badly that I spilled things, my teeth chattered so badly that my jaws ached from clenching them, my spine was wracked by spasms so violent that some days I could hardly straighten up from the soreness. Short of breath? I was sure I was having a heart attack. I am certain now that it was only my yoga and breath training that prevented me from ending up in an emergency department.

The big overt symptoms are in remission at this point, I think. But the antifocal stuff, the million mile stare Retro spoke of - those things are all so current and tiring. I've never been so tired in my entire life, outside of my pregnancies. And the thing is that I feel like I am taking care of myself. I eat well, I am pretty grounded in general good health and spirituality practices. I think it's just going to take time, especially since the "final answer" isn't there for me.

Maybe that makes it worse, because it's dragging things out. The open-endedness is hard.

I know I'm not ready for bodywork, though. There are other physical issues involved and I know that hands on me would be my dissolution. Luckily I have plenty of energy workers who are able to help at the moment and that does well for me right now.

I can't thank you enough for your words. Your thoughtful reply means more to me than I'm able to express. Really. And don't be surprised to see me pop into your PM box. :)

:hug:

[havocmom]

21. When I was in the throes, and wavering between extreme anger

and trying to salvage a marriage my husband had already decided to end (but kept dangling a carrot called reconciliation to make me pliable so he could soak me), a dear friend, who happens to be a therapist said:

It's the ambivalence that really kills you

He was right. There were MANY very bad days an months ahead, but once decisions got made, there was less stress. Once the decisions get made, you can take positive actions on good days and breathe better on bad ones.

With ya any time you need to visit, vent or just lean :hug:

There is a good book I found (and wished someone had turned me onto earlier in the process)
Don't recall the author, but the title is Uncoupling. If it is still in print -grab a copy. It is a real help.

And if you happen to live in Tucson, look up an organization called Divorce Recovery. Don't know if they have expanded to other cities, but it is a great peer support group. They help put new tools in your hands to help you not just survive this, but THRIVE all the good tomorrows you have ahead once this mess is behind you.

Keep in touch. Anybody else with similar situation, feel free to pm havocmom. Da momma knows and cares. You are not alone and YOU ARE NOT LOSING YOUR MIND. Just seems like it most of the time.

peace & strength

hm - survivor

edited for typo

[zingaro]

26. Decisions.

Yes. Right now it's all about the decisions.

I've sort of always left those to him but recently, with the help of my therapist, I'm taking a leader role there. It's weird for me but I feel powerful for the first time in a long, long time. In ownership of my life, you know, and it's amazing.

Your friend is wise, as are you. The ambivalence sucks. The processing sucks.

:hug: Thank you for being so open and so caring. :hug:

[SPKrazy]

28. it's both

but it is also normal

and shock

:hug:

[RetroLounge]

10. Thank you for explaining that

Shock is exctly the right word...

My friends mentioned the 1000 yard stare I had for about 6 months.

RL

[SPKrazy]

27. Well that is good information to keep in mind HM

I've seriously thought I was contracting Alzheimer's (since I work with alzheimer's patients it made a little sense) or some neurological phenomenon that had yet to be named, or maybe could be named but was as of yet undiagnosed. (little things like ALS, Parkinson's, etc.) I've got some spinal problems anyway, but I have had numbness and tremulousness and have been thinking that maybe the symptoms I'm having are something besides what they are treating me for (especially the tremulousness and shaking) but I think that my body is in shock, and that is part of the grieving process which is what I'm dealing with in terms of letting go of things that aren't working.

As I write this I am realizing that while I'm the "initiator" of any action, I'm not the initiator of the problems. That is helpful to remind me of since on top of every other damned feeling I have, I end up feeling guilty on top of everything else.


thanks

:hug:

[philosophie_en_rose]

11. Calm distractions

Movies. Dinners. Sports/ Exercise.

Nothing too stressful, but which could surround him with support and help him without pressure.

[CabalPowered]

12. Road Trip. Vegas. Rent a cabin in Idaho for a month.

Or all of the above. Do something, but he needs to get out of his normal settings for some period of time.

[av8rdave]

13. I went through the same thing in the early 90s....

Call him. Visit him. A lot. Let him talk about it, even if you get so sick of hearing about it you want to hurl. You have no idea how therapeutic it will be for him. Through all of it, never let him forget your his friend and you care.

Those were the most helpful things my friends did for me at the time.

[badgerpup]

14. This is gonna sound crude, rude and lewd...

But a friendly boff can do wonders for a person's outlook...
I'm talkin' friendly, buddy, no-strings-attatched here.

Protected too.

[Bunny]

18. He should fuck his friend?

Or the friend's wife? :shrug:

[badgerpup]

24. I guess I wasn't clear...

I've never been married, but have had a couple long-term relationships go BOOM with no warning.

I found that having friendly sex with an unmarried sympathetic friend of the preferred gender (male, in my case) often made me feel better about myself and things in general.
That's all.

Except that the encounter works best with a FRIEND...somebody who cares about you and loves you.

[Deja Q]

29. Ewwwwwwwwwwww!

Cooties!

[TommyO]

15. A friend of my parents had a similar situation

His wife of many years, with four children, decided that she didn't want to be married anymore and left.

The husband was absolutely distraught, and my parents (and others) were just there. They didn't say anything about his ex-wife, and fully supported him. He's now re-married to an incredible (but ditzy (self-admitted) woman) who loves his children as her own.

[Wetzelbill]

19. I had a similar situation, I moved in with a friend when he was

going through a divorce. It came out of the blue, they were only married a few months. When I moved in they were just separated and I basically just needed a place to stay for a few weeks, so I was prepared to move out if and when they got back together. She never came back. And, I stuck around for a few months and helped him get through this time etc.

Basically what I did is I was simply there. Whenever I could tell he was down, I'd crack a few jokes or do something to make him laugh. (that's my specialty though, you may have another way of reaching your friend) And whenever he needed somebody to talk to I let him unleash whatever he had to do. From time to time, we'd go out and blow off some steam with a few drinks or whatever. Mainly, I kept my nose out of his business and just tried to be a good friend. That's what works the best.

I was also good friends with her too. And you have to make sure never to take a side, because if you say something bad about her or agree with him if he says something he probably doesn't mean, it may come back to haunt you if they somehow get back together. Just listen and try to be there when your friend needs you. If that means taking him out for a drink, or inviting him over with some friends for dinner so be it. Just try to stay a positive influence in his life. This stuff isn't easy for anybody involved, for sure, but you can help ease the pain just with your friendship.

[usaftmo]

20. The shock never goes away

It's been 7 years for me and I'm still in shock. I was/am so shocked by my divorce that 9/11 didn't even phase me! A horrible day in which a lot of innocent people lost their lives...yet I felt like a zombie so much to this day it hasn't moved me very much...and I'm from Arlington! In a way it makes me feel awful that my divorce bothers me so much that I'm unable to appropriately feel the emotions from 9/11.

[havocmom]

22. Therapy really helps

I was barely able to keep a roof over my head do to financial limits, but sliding scale therapy and a volunteer peer support group allowed me to get the tools I needed to mend. There is still pain, but it is at appropriate levels. Went on to do productive things. Little by little, built a pleasant, interesting and MEANINGFUL life.

Took work. Took LOTS of HARD work. Took friends and community. Took time. Still possible. The shock and pain does not have to be the driving forces forever.

Really. :hug:

[Laura PourMeADrink]

23. I wish I could think of the book I read one time - It had a process

for accelerating the grief process into 6 weeks. The biggest issue is that the person only remembers the good things and makes the other person into a saint.

Some things I remember:
1. Set aside only one hour a day to force yourself to think about the divorce and the pain. Dismiss thoughts and carry them into your hour of "dwelling on it" Gradually you will think it a waste of time to spend a whole hour doing it.
2. Set aside only one hour a day to cry (same idea as #1)
3. Make a list of all the bad things about the person. Reread over and over.
4. Don't call, don't go by their house.
5. Take all mementos and put them in a box
6. Whenever thoughts overwelm, write them down, write letters to the person and place in the box.
7. Aversion therapy - think of a picture of the person with something very ugly. Hate snakes? Think of that person with snakes on them.

This stuff really works ! I did it. My friends have too.

[havocmom]

25. Grief Recovery Handbook?

I think you do the exercises in that one on the 'buddy system'. Peer support is a big help in doing cognitive work.