So I'm not Super Woman -- SUE ME!!!

[IdaBriggs]

More on the Seven Week Old Twin Saga --

Totally torqued off at the husband tonight, and getting ZERO sympathy from either my mother or my sister.

Friday night he let me sleep for TEN HOURS (and then he went to bed for four hours). In a fit of happy euphoria, I told him he could have a "ten hour night" too, and offered to let him sleep ten hours straight last night (Saturday). He said no, he'd prefer Sunday. Neither one of us thought it through (and we each got seven hours last night -- I took until 5:00 a.m., and then he let me sleep until noon).

The babies have been fussy all day. He took a three hour nap after he woke me up at noon (but he stayed up to help with the 12:30 feeding, so it was probably closer to two and a half hours). Then I had to go run an errand for the house we're trying to rent out -- it looks like we've got an EXCELLENT TENANT if her references check out -- and then did a quick trip to the grocery store, followed by a stop at the gas station. Woo hoo for me partying or something.

So, relatives stopped by for a quick baby visit (not long), and then he runs out to get us food, and by this time its 8:30 p.m. He makes a comment about going to bed, but how he's not going to get his "ten hours" at which point I realize we have NOT planned this out appropriately.

"Uh, when are you planning on getting up?" I ask.

"Six, like normal," he says. "So I can leave for work at 7:00, just like every other day." (He's practically rolling his eyes at how oblivious I'm being.

"Wait a minute -- that means I'm going to get FORTY-FIVE MINUTES TOTAL???"

He looks at me so disgusted, and then makes a STUPID HUSBAND COMMENT:

"I knew I was going to get screwed. I'm nice to you, and this is what I get!"

Wait a minute -- the fight is on! I am getting all nervy, and pointing out that I'm going to need AT LEAST THREE HOURS (am I being unreasonable?) if I'm going to be, you know, FUNCTIONAL for the rest of the day...?

Now he's pissy, and he storms off to bed with instructions to wake him after the 3:30 a.m. feeding. I go in there twice more (with my son in arm, because he's fussing, and the only thing keeping him from screaming his head off is holding him/walking him) and its not getting any better.

I call one of my sisters, who gives me the "you two will have to work it out" speech, which doesn't help much, especially when she gets all sympathetic to his sad plight of how he has to work, etc. and how since I got to sleep, he should, too. When I point out that he got to go to bed after he did his ten hours, she doesn't say anything. My mom ends up echoing her, and adds in that "its all part of being a mom" thing. In her opinion, I should just plan on doing everything myself (???) and then be grateful whenever he does ANYTHING to help out.

That ain't flying. :mad:

My father-in-law is coming over at noon to go with me to the pediatrician's office which will take the whole afternoon, so my "nap time help" break isn't going to be happening. My mom (who is NOT a morning person) has offered to come over between eight and eight-thirty to give me two hours. I've now told the husband he can sleep until 5:00 a.m. She's being great about helping, but you can tell she's not happy. (She had already scheduled coming to give me a nap on Wednesday and Thursday of this week, and was here THREE DAYS last week, which totally saved my sanity.)

I feel abused, taken for granted, and REALLY torqued off. I'm going to be waking the babies up soon for their 12:30 feeding -- did I mention I *FINALLY* got to eat my dinner at 11:15 p.m. because of the fussy baby problems?

My feelings are hurt, but I'm also feeling kind of defensive. Am I really being unreasonable to expect folks to understand that FORTY-FIVE MINUTES OF SLEEP IS NOT ENOUGH???

Oh, and did I mention we're both fighting off being sick with spring sinus/allergy/cold problems???

:mad:

[Elidor]

1. A simple rule change

10 hour nights should only occur on Friday or Saturday evenings. You're both well within your rights to be pissed, but there is nothing fair about raising twins. Perhaps if you wait until you're calm, you can discuss it with him and arrange for a nap sometime this evening, and ask for a delay for the ten-hour night.

/glad I'm not a parent.

[IdaBriggs]

6. For the record, I did not *ask* for the ten hour night -- he did it for me

without being asked, and I was so exhausted, I actually SLEPT that long! I was so impressed with him, and so happy, and so GRATEFUL its kind of pitiful looking back on it.

I think you are correct about the "rule change" -- neither one of us was thinking things through, and it just can't happen with the current set up. I have suggested hiring some help one or two nights a week, but financially, its scaring the crap out of him -- and I get that, but COME ON! I'm averaging three to four hours TOTAL and INTERRUPTED -- I can only do this for a little while before it kills me -- OR HIM!

Still :mad:

[SeattleGirl]

2. You are NOT being unreasonable, Ida.

It's the "Super Mom" thing we have in this society that's unreasonable. One thing I found out quickly after I had my daughter was that I ceased being a human being in the eyes of many, and became "Mom". People would call and ask how the baby was doing, but not ask about how I was doing.

Part of what's going on is the adjustment to having not one, but two new babies. That's stressfull in and of itself, even though it's also wonderful. Not getting enough sleep is stressful for both you and your husband. I hope you can both talk things out, as far as sleeping schedules. And when you do talk, remind him that while yes, he does have a job outside the home you also have a job in raising your children (with his help), and so you both need to get sleep, you both need to take turns with the babies, etc. He works full time outside the house during the day; you work full time in the house during the day, with the babies. The evenings and nights are when you both need to share in the caretaking.

And one more thing: eventually the babies will begin sleeping through the night, and you will BOTH be able to get better sleep.



:hug:

[IdaBriggs]

7. We're both tired, but there seems to be this assumption that I don't

NEED or DESERVE sleep! Was it just three weeks ago that I whacked him upside the head when he gave me that "you can sleep all day" speech? (I called him every time the babies woke me up from 7:00 to 9:00 a.m. when I gave up and got up for the day -- it ended up being between fourteen and sixteen phone calls, but he FINALLY got the point!)

He did the "all night" shift Friday night (when he gave me the ten hours of solid sleep). He KNOWS that you can't sleep because they are "tag teaming" the night thru -- Cameron was being fussy earlier, but now its Brianna. Sigh.

I'm still mad at him. We have several more weeks of this to get through, and this assumption that I don't need to sleep is really pissing me off. Who the hell does he think he is???

[Arugula Latte]

3. You are not unreasonable. You need sleep.

I don't have any advice, but I also wanted to say that I loved it :eyes: when people (usually men) would ask me shortly after I'd had my babies what ELSE I was doing (implied: you know, something more important, something that brings prestige and money). I'd look at them as I held/jiggled/wiped spit-up off of said baby, and say: "Um, I'm doing THIS."

[IdaBriggs]

8. Grrr...No one has pulled that one on me yet -- I think the twins thing

blocks it! Most folks just shudder in horror -- at least the ones who have kids! :eyes:

[Whoa_Nelly]

4. It's clear neither one of you is getting enough sleep

You HAVE to make it through..BOTH of you!

Meanwhile, although the babies are not "new", it's still all new. Hope you can get someone who will spell you guys for some weekend sleep time over the next 3-6 weeks :hug:

[IdaBriggs]

9. Traditionally, he requires more sleep than I do (except when he's playing

his games all night -- for some reason, he can find the energy to stay up all night for that with no problem!) with a "must sleep in one day thing" on the weekends. Usually I'm up and functioning (pre-babies) with about seven hours or so. I can also do "minimal" sleep for a few weeks, but then I start to fade and need some recovery time.

Between the pre-eclampsia, the emergency c-section, and the two preemie babies, on top of the pregnancy from hell (with hyperemisis which is super can't stop puking a lot), my stamina is in the toilet, but I've still been pretty functional all things considered. I recognize that I'm short tempered, but so is he -- and frankly, I think he's worse!

[merh]

5. IMHO, you are not being unreasonable.

I don't understand the 10 hour thing, it is not good to sleep past 8 hours, oversleeping makes you groggy and anyone that knows about sleep patterns will tell you that you can't make up for lost sleep.

I agree with the poster above, work out the sleeping in for Fridays and Saturdays, and it is better that he get's 5 hours and you get 5 hours than for either one of you to get only 45 minutes.

And both sis and mom owe you some real babysitting.

Maybe a slumber party one weekend, let them deal and you and your husband both get to sleep in.

Good luck :hug:

edited to add: Relative to this comment "I knew I was going to get screwed. I'm nice to you, and this is what I get!", please let him know that as soon as he can give birth to twins, he has the right to bitch. You've carried a load of responsibility before the babes and up to today, his hasn't been quite so strenuous so he can just try to catch up with you.

[IdaBriggs]

10. The ten hours was (I thought) a gift. He had ulterior motives, but

picked a fight and didn't end up getting them. (He thought I was being condescending when I asked if he knew how to "wrap" a diaper for use with the freshly put together "Diaper Champ" and got incredibly snappy; I ended up with a two hour nap when we took a "time out" which was necessitated when he just wouldn't DROP IT and kept being passive aggressive with his nasty comments.) I was exhausted, and felt human afterwards, which I take to mean that I actually needed the sleep.

I'm not sure what sleep experts say about "catching up" but I do know that recovery is important. He needs more sleep than I do traditionally, but we both need to sacrifice, and its not easy.

He's being a jerk. He thinks he's the only one who is having a hard time of it, and I want to hit him upside the head with a brick!

In a loving, mature manner, of course! :eyes:

[Midlodemocrat]

11. Why don't you hire a baby nurse to come in a couple of nights a week?

Take care of the babies so you both can rest? A friend of mine did that and if I had known such a thing existed, I would have done it for a few hours.

Especially if the babies are bottle fed, you could actually start to get some recuperative sleep and start to feel better.

And, it doesn't really have to be a 'baby nurse', in our neighborhood we have a group of ladies who clean houses and one of them acted as a baby nurse for my friend.

[Bunny]

12. I was not in a relationship when my oldest daughter was born.

So I had to do ALL the feedings (including the 2:00 and 4:00 AM ones for months) + laundry + child care, etc. and THEN still get up at 5:00 AM each day, go to work for eight hours, then come home and do it all over again.

Your husband needs a wake up call - I don't buy that he can't "help" because he has to sleep so he can go to work. His life has changed as much as your has - he needs to step up to the plate and quit being such a bawlbaby about this. Sorry to be mean, but there it is.