Why do all of my girlfriends wind up dating my buddies?

[eyepaddle]

Of the four serious relationships I've had, three have woud up involved with close buddies of mine--whom they have met through me. One of those three has done it twice--so on average I'm 4 for 4. :mad: For the record, I just can't stand this. :puke: everytime I hope that this is not what will happen again, and then seemingly inevitably the other shoe drops.

This either speaks well (very well) in my choice of friends, very poorly for my choice in girlfriends, or maybe to the fact that I am just destined to be a chump.

What do y'all think? The most recent one, whom I taught how to kayak is out paddling with a best friend of mine--after having broke up with me a few montsh ago. I took that pretty calmly and just (sigh) asked that she not start dating any of my buddies. She saif she wouldn't. That really turned out to mean a bunch.

Shit, fuck goddamn, shit fuck.

I'm really torqued because the river was the one pure thing in my life, that one thing I could always, always count on to erase stress, fear and annoyance. And now it seems I have laid the seeds of my own destruction. I re-iterate, fuck.

I'll told her this morning that they were adults and it was a free country, so they will have to make their own decsions--but if those decisions involved me not hating the sight of them, they might need to reevaluate. She told me I wasn't a chump, I don't know, through no actions of my own she broke up with me, I lose a buddy, and somebody else gets the girl. That sure sounds like the chump position to me.

What do you think?

[suzbaby]

1. My question is...

why are your friends dating your ex-girlfriends when they know how much it bothers you?

That's a shitty thing to do. I would be mad at my friends if I were in that situation.

[eyepaddle]

2. That'saother good question,

I suppose the craving for love/sex trumps loyalty. One friend hate to this day (he turned out to be a dick in a lot of ways really) another one I didn't looka t the same for about ten years (I don't want to say what made me forgive him, it was kind of petty, but it worked).

The last one actually asked how I'd feel about it--what was I supposed to say? Dude I'm not your dad or your boss--I cant make you do anything--but should I really have to? Once the question was voied I knew the rest was pretty much inevitable. Sigh.

Today's kind of a tough one for me. I'll calm down (more or less) fairly soon, but my misogynistic misanthroy is fairly cranked right now.

thanks for listening suz....

[S n o w b a l l]

3. Poor choice of women & friends...

That sucks. I think that's the lowest of the low. Out of respect for my ex's and friends, I'd personally never even think of doing that. It just amazes me how hound doggish people can be for a piece of ass or a potential relationship. People that can't survive alone without an SO or whatever and go to all measures to get it, deserve no respect...ever.

[eyepaddle]

7. This kind of crap left me a shattered wreck of a man for most of my

20s. I'm better able to cope/function now, but this is bringing back memories--and not good ones either.

Look out if I get into a serious Nine Inch Nails-kinda groove--that wouldn't be a good sign at ALL. ;)

I just wish life would find a different way to pull the rug out from under me, I'm getting tired of ths song.

[JVS]

4. How much do you let these groups mix?

This guy who has done this to you twice is not your friend. Further, it is good policy to keep different circles of friends (work buddies, close friends, dates) from getting together unless under good supervision.

[eyepaddle]

10. This has been spread out over about a decade and a half

And the one that happened twice, after I graduated and left town she started sleeping with one of my best friends. After that ended, she wound MARRYING a different buddy.

None of these folks really know each other--or my history with this kind of shit. Yet the predictability is one some level impressive.

[IA_Seth]

33. Worlds Collide!

Any fan of Seinfeld will understand the George reference.

[crispini]

5. Hm, I'd need to know a bit more about the situation.

For one thing, what caused you and these girlfriends to break up? Are these women breaking up with you or are you breaking up with them? Did the other ex-girlfriends start dating your friends before or after you broke up?

Are the women looking for commitment that you're not into?

Maybe it just happens that you have very nice friends?

[eyepaddle]

11. One girl broke up with me because I was "too summery and cheerful"

This last one "just wasnt ready for a boyfreind," so she just wanted to stay friends. The first (and worst one, actually) I think was just going through the process of reaizing she was a lesbian--something she hadn't admitted to herself at the time. She had a few promsicous years in college.

I just think life is out to get me.

[crispini]

13. What? Too cheerful?

That's effed up. Yeah, ok, I agree with your assessment.

Just don't let it get to you. Instead of seeing yourself as the chump, see yourself as the matchmaker.

[eyepaddle]

16. The Matchmaker! I like that!

:rofl:

Thanks, I needed the laugh.


Once I introduced a friend to a girl I knew (I wasn't dating her--just knew her from wherever) and I kind of thought she was looking. When Karl met Grace it was almost like an old sit-com, you could practically see the stars in their eyes. We all knew that night they'd get married.

Twelve years and two kids later they are still going strong! :)

[crispini]

17. LOL. See, you've got the mojo working!

I have personally introduced two couples. I wasn't dating anyone concerned, though! :rofl:

[skygazer]

6. Well, there are a lot of possible reasons

We tend to date people who are among our circles of friends. So when a breakup occurs and people look for a new relationship, there's often some overlap.

There's also the sort of insidious "I want what you have" thing. This one usually entails the buddies wanting the person you're with just because you're with them and they aren't. I had a friend (I use the term loosely) who used to deliberately sabotage my relationships and then date the person themselves. It took me a while to realize that's what was going on. I don't know why my boyfriends were so attractive to her - I think it's just because I had them. She was like that with my clothes, copying the things I wore, and my music, copying what I was into. So I don't know.

It's not nice for buddies to do things they know hurt you. It's more expected of exes but still not nice.

From my plateau of being incredibly old, I find it a lot easier to get along with exes (you end up needing to when you have kids with them) and not worry too much about who they ended up with later. Even if it is a friend. And I also have learned not to worry so much about who my friends see as long as I'm not currently dating them. It gets too complicated and isn't worth the energy in the end.

I'm sorry you've been hurt. It does suck. I know I'm no help - just kinda rambling. We old people do that. :hug:

[eyepaddle]

14. Thanks for listening, and replying

It does help--my headache is starting to go away.

[Redstone]

8. Move somewhere else. Make no male friends until you've found a woman and married her.

Redstone

[eyepaddle]

15. Heh, thanks Redstone

A plan worth investigating to be sure! :hi:

[Maddy McCall]

9. The best advice I can give ya is ...

not to bring dates to your sacred playground (kayaking) unless you're willing to pass them on the river after you break up.

If kayaking is your private pleasure, keep it private...don't share. Because once you share your love of it, don't be surprised if the person whith whom you shared develops a love for it.

As for the woman dating one of your buddies--it happens sometimes. How long did you date her? Sounds like, to me, your issue should be with your buddy as much as with your former galpal, if not more so.

Here's a hug... :hug: Don't let anyone ruin your favorite hobby. The only way you can keep that from happening is by deciding that you're better off without her--and possibly him, if you really feel doublecrossed--in your life.

Maybe she's a kayak groupie or something. :D

[eyepaddle]

12. Oh, I've got issues with the buddies to be sure, I just phrased it

like I did because "why do my buddies wind up dating my exes" makes it sound like all of my buddies do it--and that's certaily not the case!

Thanks for the response.

voicing my opinion is much preferred to just silently stewing.

[Esra Star]

18. Set youself up as a dating agent. Then I am sure it will go wrong

and you will get stuck with all the women.
But you can keep all the money. Could work well.

[PassingFair]

19. I'm guessing you have wealthy friends...

They are probably attractive "marriage" material.

Get some lower-rent friends and see if it stops
happening.

Just a thought.

[Nikia]

21. I always wondered why some people who valued looks, class, intelligence, etc.

Seemed to have close friends who were none of what they seemed to value in themselves. A friend of mine said basically what you did, that they only let people into their inner circle who they thought would be unable to compete with them in attracting dating/sex partners.

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

20. Chump? No. Test pilot!

Sorta the Chuck Yeager of relationships.

[Bucky]

22. Sounds like a cultural think. Try calling up *their* exes

Personally, I'd never date a buddy's ex. The world is too big to need to and good friends are too infrequent to risk.

[Evoman]

23. Next time one of your buddies has a girl, steal em.

I'm only half kidding.

I'm gonna be straight with you....its something I have internalized in my life that has helped me with my behaviour and state of mind. I allow any "shitty moment" a 50% chance of being bad luck, and 50% chance of it being my own damn fault (some sort of personality flaw).

Lets apply it to your case. 4 times your girlfriends have dropped your ass for one of your buddies. The first time, you could probably say its not your fault. The second time it may not have been your fault. By the third and fourth time, your doing something wrong. You may very well be a chump.

Which is not to say that you HAVE to be a chump forever. Strip away your ego, and look at your behaviour objectively. What are you doing wrong? Do you see a common thread in the way your treating these girls (are you being too nice, are you losing your sense of mystery?)? Why are you losing your allure? What do your buddies have that you don't?

[eyepaddle]

25. That's pretty much what I've been thinking for at least ten years.

My best hunch is I'm just not dramatic enough, I don't whine or cry, never yell or belittle--in short I just don't keep 'em guessing. I never really show my anger either--usually I don't have any, but if I do I'm not into histrionic displays. I think in some cases they just want to see how far they have to push me to piss me off.

As I alluded earlier the first girl really just had a lot of issues--substance use, occasional random promiscuity etc., we were party animals, and very much in love, but she later (well, later on in college) came out as a lesbian so in retrospect that one has to be chalked up to fate. In other words, she loved me, but couldn't really fall "in love" with me. It hurt very much, but I saw it coming miles away, and really felt I should've known better and just tried to work it out.

The next one was manic depressive (or bipolar, I'm not fit to diagnose) but she had REALLY high highs, and extremely deep, soul crushing lows. That's the one who piped me for ebing "too cheerful." Once we were out with "the buddy" and she was BLATANTLY hitting on him, I think mainly because I told her that I could tell he wanted her (but he never would've acted on it had she not green-lighted him after I finished school) I wasn't around, but I was far from out of contact. I think she resented my emotional stability.

This most recent one doesn't fit that pattern, it was the most low-key and non-dramatic relationship ever, but when she called it off, I just figured "oh well, two free spiirits together, may in fact be a little too random, so c'est la vie." My one request was that she not start dating any of my buddies. I think she took my lack of drama for a blase' atitude and a sign that I wouldn't care. I didn't yell or curse, or even be mean to her, or bad mouth our "friend" but I did disabuse her of the notion that this shit would pass without comment or consequences. I've been down this road too many fucking times to be the big adult about this and chalk it up as a fait accompli.

Fuck that noise.

Due to my easy good nature, wit and irrepressible good humour I am one of the more popular paddlers in the Minnesota scene--my paddling skills are legitiamte if not spectacular so I don't need a babysitter and I can keep people smiling and laughing on the river, and this goes for everybody from hot shots who've been in movies to newbies struggling with "the fear." If I become cold out there it WILL be noticed. I wouldn't try to make anybody take sides--in fact I wouldn't let them, but I wouldn't have to. People would notice and tongues would wag--in a tight knit community such as this that would be dramatic enough.

"Sally" is already worried about being the outsider who upset a heretofore happy ecosystem. I just told her that fear could be well founded.

At this point in time I'd rather be a dick than a chump.

[Evoman]

31. I am the same way as you are. I'm a very happy, non dramatic person.

BUT...and this is going to sound a bit "dickish", when I am in a relationship or attempting to start one (or even just looking for a night in the sac) I FORCE myself to be a bit dramatic and mysterious. And, I'm not shitting you, it actually works. Some people would call it being fake, or whatever, but most people are craving a passionate experience, and thats what you have to give them. Over time, you can reveal more about yourself and stop acting as much, but at first its critical be mysterious and passionate.

However, now I have a long term gf (been together 3 years), and she was one of my close friends while I was seeing other people. Then we started to date, and she has never needed any drama (and in fact hates it), so I can ALMOST completely be "myself". Hang in there bud...I think eventually, women get as tired of drama as men do (women, like men in my opinion, get better with age). You only have to really play the game while your younger.

Put your head up and be the man you want to be.

[Chan790]

24. You have crappy friends.

I believe there are only two rules on this sort of thing:

1.) "If you want to date your friend's ex...you have to ask them if it's okay." This is for courtesy reasons and to let them feel empowered that they "blessed" this pursuit.

2.) "Failing any sort of serious and legitimate* reason ("You and said ex are actively working to get back together"; for example) you have to say "yes" to requests...provided that it's not immediately after you broke up and you're dating again."

I'm guessing that your friends didn't (tell you/ask you) that they were after your exes. That sucks balls. They are not quality people. I'd consider them write-offs and move on. Do you really want to be friends with people who would do this to you?

As for the water...don't let some silly girl ruin something you love for you. She's not worth it.

(I think I should write a men's guide to dating "law".)

* - "I don't want you to." is not a legitimate reason.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

26. why do your friends date your exes?

[eyepaddle]

28. Equally valid question, but I phrased it the way I did

because I have many more buddies than girlfriends, and most of my buddies don't date my girlfriends--but it seems ALL of my girlfriends go on to date people that they meet through me.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

32. i meant that i would expect my friends to have more loyalty to me, than some chick i was dating

but thats just me.

[JoDog]

27. After reading your posts

it sounds like you're a good guy who's had some really bad luck in this department of your life. That doesn't mean you're a chump, just human. It happens. I consider myself to be a good gal who's had some of the same rotten luck.

I think these friends who would go ahead and date your former squeezes really weren't being your friends at the time. I've been in a very different situation--a friend once set me up with one of her former boyfriends! They had managed the miracle of staying friends after the breakup, and she thought we'd be perfect together. We were for a little while. But after we broke up, my girl stayed loyal to me and didn't talk to him for 2 months. That's the kind of friendship you need.

I commend you on acting like an adult and being honest with everyone. There isn't enough of that in the so-called "dating scene" IMHO. Concentrate on your love of the outdoors and the river--it sounds like you are surrounded by good people who appreciate you in that community. I've done the same with my camping/medieval reenactment friends, and while I haven't found love there, I have found a lot of great people that keep me from ever being lonely.

I'm sorry you got burned so badly. Stay cheerful--more good people are drawn to happiness than you would imagine!

[eyepaddle]

29. Thank you.

I feel better hearing the kind words.

[Phillycat]

30. Who the eff are these friends of yours?

No question you're choosing the wrong women, but even more importantly, who the hell screws a friend's ex?? I would NEVER do that, nor would any of my friends. Awful!

[Name removed]

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