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We decided on a James Bond theme. If my girlfriend doesn't go naked and painted gold, I will. In the meantime...
THE PROMFATHER Show your appreciation for the hard-working men and women of the Mafia by dressing like them! Suggested attire for gentlemen: double-breasted pinstripes with jackets that comfortably accommodate your concealed .44. Ladies: pearls, cocktail dress with special pockets for cocaine storage. DJd by Frankie Luciano, and no one else, unless you want something should happen to youse. Special uninvited appearance by the Italian Anti-Defamation League! Cost of tickets: a pack of Chesterfields and a cannoli at the door. Last song of the evening: "Shut Up Before I Shut You Up, Bitch", Frank Sinatra
WHITE TIE ONLY Honor our American heritage with blatant racism. No hip-hop, Klesmer or anything involving Spanish guitar; only "Aryan Men" by Prussian Blue played on a constant loop. Suggested attire for gentlemen: wear your best S.S. uniform; black jackboots with white laces. Suggested attire for ladies: blonde hair dye, blue contacts, dress with forcefield to protect against mongrel rapists. American-made limousines available for rental. Cost of tickets: 12 reichsmarks Last song of the evening: "Aryan Men", Prussian Blue
DRESSED TO KILL Show your special guy/girl how much you care by butchering them! Dance 'till you drop, probably because your partner hobbled you, "Misery"-style. Pray to Satan, dark master and Lord of Lies, to grant you a prom beyond your wildest fever dreams. Suggested attire for gentlemen: suit made from skin of date, bloody trucker cap. Suggested attire for ladies: Iron Maiden corset. Cost of tickets: $40. If you can't afford one, kill someone who can and drink their blood to gain their power. Last song of the evening: "Helter Skelter", the Beatles (backwards, of course)
SPECIAL STUDENT-TEACHER PROM Ply your wise educators with drugs and alcohol and watch them transform before your eyes! Marvel and giggle nervously as Mr. Quinn, your history teacher, tipsily asks exactly how many months until your eighteenth birthday, while your boyfriend tries to fend off Miss Isringhausen's offer of "extra credit". Suggested attire for gentlemen: Something that shows off those rippling triceps, stud. Suggested attire for ladies: Something revealing that you'll get yelled at for but later drunkenly complimented on. Cost of tickets: Your silence. Last song of the evening: "Sweet Children", Green Day
REPRESSED PURITANICAL SOCIAL EVENT Pretty much nothing but compensation for last year's theme, "Non-Stop Fucking". No dancing; it is the instrument of Lucifer. Prom will basically consist of standing in place for three hours, thinking your dirty harlot thoughts. Suggested attire for gentlemen: suits (nothing outside the color range of charcoal to midnight blue). Suggested attire for ladies: anything that covers your shame. All boys and girls must stay on their respective sides of the ballroom. Cost of tickets: On-the-spot baptism. Last song of the evening: Psalm 63.
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