NON-POLITICAL JOKE THREAD!!

[Bicoastal]

Almost anything flies here, as long as Bush, the GOP, Imus, and the Duke Lacrosse team aren't in it! Oh and keep it clean--there are liberals present! I keed, I keed....

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So, there's this Italian barber in Queens, and one day a Catholic priest comes in and gets his hair cut. When it's all over, the priest begins to reach for his wallet, and the barber stops him. "You may not be my priest, but you are a holy Father and a man with a flock to tend to, a man of God, and it would not be right to accept payment from you."

The priest is very touched, and leaves. An hour later, he comes back with a beautiful hand-carved wooden crucifix, which he gives to the barber as a present.

Next day, a Protestant minister comes in and gets his hair cut. When it's all over, the minister begins to reach for his billfold, and the barber stops him. "You may not be a Catholic, but you are a good Christian and a man with a flock to tend to, a man of God, and it would not be right to accept payment from you."

The minister is very moved, and leaves. An hour later, he comes back with an exquisite leather-bound copy of the New Testament.

Third day, a Rabbi comes in and gets his hair cut. When it's all over, the minister begins to reach for his money belt, and the barber stops him. "You may not be a Christian, but you are a holy man and a man with a flock to tend to, a man of God, and it would not be right to accept payment from you."

The rabbi is visibly affected by the barber's words, and leaves. An hour later, he comes back with two more Rabbis.....

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(BTW--I'm Jewish myself, and this is one of my family's favorite jokes. Sorry if you're offended.)

[Bicoastal]

1. One more to get this started...

These two good ol' boys are out hunting in the woods in Pennyslvania. Suddenly, one of them drops his gun and sinks to the ground, clutching at his chest. His face turns pale, then blue, and he abruptly ceases to move.

The other hunter gets on his cell phone and dials 911 frantically. "Hello, Emergency!" he shouts into the receiver. "My friend just a heart attack or a stroke or something, and we're miles from any roads!"

The operator, accustomed to these situations, remains calm. "Alright, sir, I'll try to help you, but you must try to calm down so I can give you instructions. Now the first thing I want you do is make sure your friend isn't breathing."

There's a pause on the other end of the line, and then a loud BANG! Then the second hunter's voice is heard again: "OK, now what?"

[Random_Australian]

2. Where does Mussolini keep his armies?

Up his sleevies!

:)

[buzzard]

3. Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to
see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her
hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very
nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As
she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money
on
him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the
$5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a
joint
account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she
loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.

[Bicoastal]

4. LOL!

I laughed, I'll admit it. Felt guilty about it afterwards, but I did laugh.

[Bicoastal]

5. shamelessly bumping my own thread...

Come on! Bring on the funny!