Feeling Incapable of Love and Sex

[liberalpragmatist]

A personal, tell-all thread...

It's embarrassing to bring this up, but I want to get this off my chest, prompted by a conversation I had earlier this evening with a friend in which I felt unable to express what I really wanted to say. I'm not actually that comfortable even talking about this on DU; I'd prefer total anonymity but though my profile stays hidden, I still have a screen name. And though nobody but me knows the existence of this account, now my SN will be associated with this message.

I have a seemingly obvious question.

How is that people are capable of love and sex?

Because I can’t help but feel that I’m not.

This is supposed to be one of the most basic primal urges anyone can have. All around me people are fucking, falling in love, falling into crushes. And yet I’ve never had a crush on anyone. Not even in middle school or high school. Not a real one, anyway. I find plenty of women attractive. And yet I can never imagine being with any of them. I can never imagine myself having sex. I’ve never felt any kind of chemistry with any girl.

Nor with any guy. And I have tried. I’ve wondered if the fact that girls didn’t seem to interest me much meant that I was gay. And maybe I am; certainly homosexual acts don’t violently turn me off the way they do most guys. But I still have no desire to have sex with a man, nor have I ever felt any such desire. I've never had a crush on a guy. The idea of being with a guy does nothing for me. And this is despite having several gay friends, despite having been hit on once or twice by gay guys.

With women, it’s a little different. I do find the idea of sex with a girl appealing. And the idea of being with a girl does arouse me; but it does so infrequently. I can’t seem to translate that desire from the abstract to the real. For example, I can be aroused imagining myself with a girl. But I’ve never felt that with anyone in person. I can never find a girl who actually interests me. Maybe it’s because none of them seem interested in me. And it never seems to actually change. Everything seems platonic to me.

I’m 21. I’m male. I have no delusions that I need to meet my life partner right now. But it’d be nice to know that I’m capable of desire, love, and sex. Does asexuality really exist as an orientation? And is that what I am? I still retain the desire to have sex. And I would love the companionship of a relationship.

And the worst part is I don’t know how to change this. I want to; but I don’t know who to talk to or express what I’m thinking. When I express the anxiety I have over this with friends, people misunderstand it to mean that I just haven’t met the right person. And maybe it really is that simple. But I have doubts. Given the fact that I am social and know plenty of women, shouldn’t I have experienced this by now? And I don’t know if anybody can help me. Could it all just be related to anxiety or self-imposed inhibition? I do have issues with anxiety and self-esteem. Maybe it really is that simple. I’d like to think that’s the case and my issues can be solved. But I’m not sure it can.

Relationships and sex just depresses me. Because I feel like everyone else is capable of happiness and joy which I just can’t seem to find.

I don’t want others to get the impression from this post that my life is horribly depressed. I’m not. I’m generally happy. I have friends, I have interests, I love books, movies, learning. It’s just that there’s this undercurrent; an undercurrent of fear and anxiety that I’m incapable of enjoying life to its fullest. And that my desires will go unfulfilled because I can never translate them from the abstract to the real.

Should I maybe talk to someone - a professional - to see if there's something they can do?

Any thoughts? Does anybody have similar experiences or words of encouragement or advice?

[davsand]

1. It isn't all about sex.

I'm not making light of you at all when I say it that way, either. I honest to gosh think that our entire culture makes WAY too big a deal of the whole sex and love thing.

I think there is too much pressure on men to be hot and ready ALL the time, and I think that every time you turn on your TV or pick up a magazine that lie is hammered home again. I think women (from time we are little) are taught that we have to be "swept away" and that "Prince Charming" is out there just waiting for us--and ONLY us.

This is a HUGE amount of pressure. There is pressure to be partnered, there is pressure to be sexual and there is pressure to WANT those things.

I think what you are feeling is a perfectly reasonable response to our hyper sexualized world, and I think that you are opening the door to a discussion that a LOT of men and women are scared to death of having.
It isn't that they are feeling anything you aren't. It is that they are scared shitless to admit it to even themselves.

Just my two cents.


aura

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear liberalpragmatist......

First, let me say....Kudos to you for your courage.

It takes courage, and lots of it, to bare your soul as you have done here.

I'd recommend a thorough physical exam to make sure your body is functioning as it should....

Perhaps check your testosterone levels too...even though I wouldn't expect those to be down in a person your age.

Then if all that checks out...then perhaps a visit to some sort of mental health professional might be in order.

Good luck to you...

:hug:

[wildhorses]

3. first off

:hug:


and see someone professional if you like but, honestly i just think you haven't met the right one yet. and yes, i think from what you post that it will be a girl...

[Lydia Leftcoast]

4. Although I dated a bit in high school and college and enjoyed the

company of the guys I dated, I didn't really fall in love until I was 22--and then I really FELL. I have very specific emotional triggers, and most men don't set them off, although the ones that do REALLY do.

I once heard a couple of my acquaintance referred to as "the only two people who could stand to live with each other." Awkwardly expressed perhaps, but I think there are people who are happy pairing off with just about anybody and people who are harder to match.

[grasswire]

5. thanks for such a thoughtful post

You wrote: "Because I feel like everyone else is capable of happiness and joy which I just can’t seem to find."

First, I don't know if you have noticed, but a good portion of human attraction consists of high anxiety, drama, jealousy, stress, sorrow, hormonal swings, and unrequited emotion. Happiness and joy often have nothing to do with a relationship!

Perhaps it is the potential negative side of "love" that is holding you back.

I also wonder what kind of relationships you observed throughout your growing years. What were your parents like together? Was their marriage healthy?

Not getting armchair psychopop on you, but you did ask for our thoughts.

[liberalpragmatist]

7. My parents have a decent marriage

But, coming from an eastern, immigrant background, my parents are not openly affectionate or very open about sexuality. Still, though they're sometimes argumentative and we're definitely a little dysfunctional, by and large we all love each other and both my parents get along well.

And both my parents - though awkward - are pretty open with me and my siblings.

That said, if you have to analyze, neither of my parents really strike me as particularly "passionate" - they both married relatively late, or at least what was still "relatively late" back in the late '70s/early '80s (in their early 30s) and as far as I know, neither had any relationships before each other.

So I may have inherited some of that.

[uppityperson]

6. Get a checkup, talk with a professional and yes, asexuality can be an option.

Different people develop at different rates, if you are happy with how you are, and it works, yes, it is an option. And yes, asexuality does exist as an orientation. Our culture is so hung up on sex sex SEX SEX SEX, many of us, perhaps most, have issues.

I'd advise a check up and then get on with life, figure out what makes you happy, remain open to possibilities. And best of luck.

[Wapsie B]

8. I can identify with a lot of what you're saying.

For a long time I didn't feel worthy of love. I didn't believe that women were interested in me. But looking back on it I missed the signs of interest they gave me. Not signs of wanting to be a platonic friend but to have a deeper relationship. I missed out on a lot of life due to depression. Your desire to talk to a professional is a good one.

Yeah, I could give you the pat answer that sex isn't everything. And one one level that's correct. But the desire for love, the desire to be touched by another, the desire for physical pleasure is very natural. Nothing wrong with getting nasty once in awhile. It's as much a part of life as breathing.

[sammythecat]

9. You've gotten some very good and thoughtful responses here.

If I were you I'd talk to a professional. I say that not because I think there's something wrong, but because you have a serious and legitimate question that deserves a serious, legitimate answer from someone experienced and knowledgeable in these matters.

[johnnie]

10. Don't feel bad about it

We are pressured to think that we must be into some bullshit relationship or we aren't "normal" and that is a load of crap. I've had a lot of relationships in life but have no need or desire to be with anyone now.

I have moments of attractions to women, but they go away quick and my mind wonders to other things in life. I know people who feel they are no one unless they are in some sort of a romantic relationship, and from what I have seen, these people are just insecure about their lives and are pretty much boring people without their relationships.

It is fine to feel the way you do and there is no need to feel any different. You aren't crazy, abnormal or psychologically fucked up. You are just who you are and in being so you have no desire right now. trust me, you don't want to force some crap that you will be bummed out about later.

I have many friends who felt they needed to feel normal and do what is expected, they all owe child support and alimony.

Don't fall for the bullshit that you "need" someone in your life to be "normal". If you don't feel it right now, than cool.. don't worry about it. Do what you have to do in life and keep moving forward. If some day someone comes along and you click, then that will be the right time for you to do what is right at the time.

Seriously, you are not fucked up or weird, you are just cool with yourself and letting the crap of other people's shit disturb you right now and you are questioning yourself a bit. Don't do that anymore.

To be honest, from what I read of what you wrote, you are more in tuned with your life than 90% of the people I know. Too many people really fuck up their lives by thinking they need to "fall in love" and they force themselves into doing it.


Just relax and take it as it comes.

[S n o w b a l l]

15. Excellent reply...

:thumbsup: I'f I'd had the words, this would have been my exact reply.

They are words i live by now. Good job, Johnnie...thanks.

[LSK]

18. what he said!!!

Awesome reply!!!

:thumbsup:

[TZ]

11. there might be some psychological issue as well

I have never had a long term relationship (longer than 3 months or so) with a man (and I am hetero, no doubt) but I have been in love, have crushes etc. However I seem to form attachments to people who are unattainable (married or live long ways away etc) because I am afraid of being hurt. To be completely honest I am 37 and still a virgin. Its not really for want of trying and I do have the same urges as everyone.

[IdaBriggs]

12. Step 1 = Go to a doctor for a complete physical, including hormone

level check, etc. Trust me -- as a formerly completely ASEXUAL human being due to a medical condition, if you find yourself mainly INTELLECTUALLY curious, there is a good chance you may have some "issues" with your body chemistry. These can be caused by just a "birth defect" or by something more serious (including tumors).

SO GET THAT CHECKED OUT FIRST!!!

On a personal level, my medical condition (a very rare one!) meant that I didn't go thru puberty at a "normal" age, and ended up going thru it beginning at age 19. Prior to the medical intervention, I was completely asexual (and sane -- did I mention sane?); I will NEVER forget the shock to my system when the hormones started kicking in, and I ended up with "butterflies" for a guy for the first time (to the vast amusement of my supportive, but evil friends, who found the experience of watching someone else go thru the hell they had gone through during their teenager years highly entertaining) or when I found myself idling thinking "I wonder what it would be like to sit on his lap?" which completely stunned me.

Sexual interest/arousal has a hormonal base (and yes, an intellectual/emotional/spiritual one, too, but I'm telling you that Reproductive Endocrinologists are a specialty for a reason -- HORMONES MATTER).

As I said, I have a rare medical condition, and I was actually given a choice about going through puberty -- looking back, I made the "right" decision, but it made life a lot more challenging, as "asexual logic" makes more sense than "becoming a woman." You may not have the same condition (probably don't, as a matter of fact), but if your "drive" isn't "active" there is a good chance something is out of whack, and the first thing to check is physical. I am confident that learning to deal with "normal" hormone stuff would be equally challenging for a man, but undoubtedly worth it.

You can PM me if you want to discuss this in more detail. Good luck!

[Blue_Tires]

13. i can't really offer advice

just wanted to say i do understand something of what you feel

[GoddessOfGuinness]

14. Maybe your clock is just set later than many people...

You mention that your parents married later. It could be a genetic trait.

However, you mention that you haveself-esteem and anxiety issues. It'd be best if you address those with a professional before getting involved in a relationship anyway. A lot of folks live with the mistaken impression that romantic and sexual relationships resolve self-esteem problems. Then they get involved in an unhealthy relationship.

Most importantly, if you're happy without a boyfriend or girlfriend, I don't think you should worry about it...That will spoil your happiness! :hug:

[liberalpragmatist]

16. Thanks everyone!

I really appreciate everyone's advice and support. I'm feeling a little better now. Since none of this is hyper-urgent, I probably won't be seeing a mental health professional or a medical professional ASAP, but I do think I'll meet with them over the coming months as my schedule opens up a little (once classes and finals end).

And maybe, as some of you indicated, there's nothing wrong with me. Some people are just different and maybe I just respond to people differently and the right person will come along some day.

If anybody else wants to add their thoughts, feel free to; I'm happy to solicit more opinions. Good night!

[MilesColtrane]

17. Get a physical...

If everything checks out, set up an appointment with a therapist.

People who have had their personal boundaries violated when they were young may feel incapable of ever establishing an intimate relationship with another person.
Molestation can cause this, but also psychological incest by a family member.

People who never had a chance to establish where they end and others begin, or whose sense of self was violated may display behavior later in life that goes to extremes. Some people become promiscuous, some shut themselves off to others completely.

Find a professional in whom you can place your trust and talk to them.

Good Luck.

[liberalpragmatist]

21. Well, I probably will get a physical

But although there are probably some psychological issues at play here, molestation or abuse as a child is not one of them.

I had a perfectly normal growing up, although my parents, as I described above, come from a conservative, South Asian background and thus aren't that open about sexuality or romantic love, although they're relatively tolerant of whatever I or my siblings would end up doing (i.e. they've never indicated to me that they expect me to wait until marriage and they've in fact largely implied that they don't expect I will).

[Random_Australian]

19. Oooh, do I know about that problem.

Yes, I'm going to temporarily throw away my modesty for the sake of accuracy. Oh well.

A couple of things

1) There are a fair number of people like you. I don't know how many, but I do know that at the very top of what is smart where my friends and I reside, it is fairly common to have difficulties in that area of life, and probably the same symptoms. Especially finding someone who is interested in you. The old "show interest when you get interest" problem; I don't expect it to be specific to the smart bastids either, although it has to be more pronounced there.

2) This can also be caused by hormone imbalances, and physiological problems.

3) Finally, there are more reasons than the above two for these things, but at the end of the day we have to remember that it's actually freaking OK to not really settle down with a partner like we see all the time; sometimes the best answer to shouts of "conform, conform!" is a hearty "FUCK OFF".

:)

That's my $0.02

[MonkeyFunk]

20. oh my

thank you for sharing that! :thumbsup:

[hfojvt]

22. that's beyond my experience

but sorta reminded me of how the main character described himself in Vonnegut's "Deadeye Dick"

[La Lioness Priyanka]

23. talk to a professional. there is nothing wrong with asexuality but it might be something you have

to accept about yourself. on the other hand if its a particular fear thats holding you back, you still need to work on it.

regardless my advice would be to talk to a therapist.

pri

[NC_Nurse]

24. "Normal" is a fantasy. There is no such thing.

That said, it does seem like your anxiety and self esteem are issues that would be good to discuss with a therapist.

It's often the people whose families are just a bit dysfunctional who have the hardest time seeing how it's effected them.
When you grow up in a trainwreck, like I did, it's much easier to see the damage and seek out a therapist.

You may find that you feel fine the way you are and just need to let go of all the expectations you are laying on yourself. Ya never know....;-)

In the meantime, :hug: Hang in there, we love you.

[raccoon]

25. I can relate to some of that. I've had few romantic leanings.

I've been in relationships, but most of my life I haven't been. And thinking back, I'm usually happier when I'm not in a relationship.

Our culture is so focused on sex, sex, sex, and would give you the idea that everybody has to be in a relationship.

I say no way!

[InvisibleTouch]

26. I would say...

...don't beat yourself up about being as you are. It sounds to me (and maybe I'm reading into this) that you have a sense from society's expectations that you "should" have particular desires and relationships, and so you've come to feel that there's something "wrong" with you because you don't. It's the world's expectation, not your own nature, that's making you uncomfortable, IMO. The best thing you can do is accept yourself as you are, and tell those "expectations" of others to go jump off a bridge. Don't try to force yourself into anyone else's mold. If you some day meet someone who generates feelings in you, be they love or lust, then fine, go with it and enjoy, if that's truly your wish. If you don't - isn't that equally okay? Never, never try to force yourself to be something you're not, just because society seems to dictate such.

In my case, I have no interest - zero, zilch, nada - in having a long-term significant other in my life. That's not because I haven't had "relationshiops" and short-term affairs, but because I don't want any human living permanently in my personal space. An occasional visit can be nice, but I'm very happy in my solitude and privacy. And just because society's expectation is that a woman of my age should by now be "panicking" that she'll never find a husband, doesn't move me one iota to violate my own nature.

Be who you are, pursue happiness/contentment in a way that's right to you - given that it's not hurting anyone else, which it obviously is not - and if any busybody takes issue with it, the problem is theirs, not yours.

[skypilot]

27. I can relate.

Sometimes I think that maybe I like the idea of relationships and sex more than I like the actual thing. I don't consider myself asexual but I go without it for LOOONG periods of time and I don't think anything of it. On the rare occasions that I find myself in a relationship or something approaching one I start to miss my solitude. And frankly, people are just more annoying than they used to be.

[haele]

28. It's not that unusual -

A lot of people would have much easier lives and there would be a whole lot less divorce if they would stop giving in to "traditional values pressure" and go looking for someone to hook up with when they aren't really ready for the relationship that usually accompanies sex.

Personally, I could have easily gone 10 more years without having sex when I finally lost my virginity at the age of 26 because "all my friends" thought I had gone too long and that sex would make me some sort of real woman. Feh - the whole situation was no big thing for me; all that episode did was waste time, money and the poor guy's emotional comfort because he ended up wanting something "more". It brought home the fact that casual sex with someone I didn't really want most of the time other than as a buddy is at best rather wasteful. I'm no prude, but there are so many friendships that break up in that sort of situation because one of the two parties will always end up wanting more, and who wants to go through that sort of drama.

I think the main reason I didn't feel the need was that I was very occupied; I was (and am still) working hard, and I am still continuously creating various types of media (including food, clothing, gifts, music, poetry, drawing...) - in short - I was so busy "doing things" that had a serious element of creation in them that I didn't feel the need to procreate. Quite a few artistic people I know only start feeling the urge to have sex when they hit a block and no longer can create.
As it is, I didn't "settle down" with someone until I was 42 years old and started slowing down and began thinking about - and feeling the need for - the benefits of a partner in going through life. It helped that I found someone that shared many of my values and most of my views, and could put up with my shit while most of his own shit being of the sort I could put up. I'm still not really wanting to have a family and kids, even though I married into a ready made family (he had a kid).

If you feel you need to talk to someone because everyone is looking at you like you're some strange bird for not wanting to hook up and have regular sex with some sort of regular partner, that's fine. It might help you find out where you are and where you need to be before you think you want to get in any sort of close relationship.
But there's nothing wrong with you for not wanting to get involved a relationship if you don't have a need for one. Not everyone is emotionally wired to have kids. And too many people that aren't wired for kids or some other sort of long term close relationship get themselves involved in a situation involving both - and it almost always ends up badly, with lots of resentment at the very least.
The most important thing is to be comfortable with yourself before you start including other people in your life.

Haele

[alkaline9]

29. thanks for sharing, good luck!

It looks like you already received some great advice above. Mine probably wouldn't be much different, so instead I'll open up a bit about myself.

I can't fully relate to your life story because I'm somewhat the opposite. I'm practically obsessed with sex and women. Not to the point that it rules my life, but you know how they say men think about sex every 8 seconds? Well I think it's more like every 2 seconds. I've always thought, "its just natural, I'm a guy."

Well, the fact is, everyone is unique. Sometimes I feel like desiring sex or thinking about it as much as I do isn't really healthy or even productive. So from that aspect I think you're ahead of the game. If only I wasn't so horny all the time I could probably do some amazing things in life, lol. I take it for what it is, me being me. As I think you should take however you are as simply being an individual in society. I suppose most people like to consider themselves to be "normal" or "average". Why? I guess the thought that they are somehow "below average" is frightening, but really what is an average without the extremes?

Diversity is beautiful. Life is beautiful as well.

I personally REALLY enjoy sex. I enjoy pleasing and being pleased. I would hope that all people got to appreciate (good) sex at some point in their life. However, I also think that everyone should try smoking pot at least once in their life too. Both are technically similar chemical reactions in the brain. They both overload the brain with dopamine which relays pleasure to the brain. Obviously pot isn't for everyone, and neither is sex.

I think what is really important in life is to find what gives YOU pleasure. Who cares if its different than anyone else? Everyone likes different things. In addition to sex, drugs, and rock & roll, I also REALLY enjoy eating, playing hockey, driving, swimming in the ocean, feeling the saltwater in my hair as the sun beats down on me.

It sounds like you have your head on straight right now, even though you're different than me. My hope for you would be that you find happiness no matter what shape it comes in. Sometimes I think my life could be a lot happier if I wasn't so into some of the things that make me happy, but I go with it anyway.

Again, good luck, and thanks for sharing such intimate details of your life!

[Gen. Jack D. Ripper]

30. I know what you mean

My experiences haven't been exactly like yours, but I have also felt...dysfunctional when it comes to sex and relationships. I was a virgin until I was 22 and, I can tell you, it was NOT for lack of interest. I know now that sex itself isn't a big deal (not that I don't like sex, 'cause lord knows I do), it was the pressure. I guess 22 isn't all that old to still be a virgin, but I felt too old to be a virgin. I felt like there was something wrong with me, everyone around me was hooking up, involved in relationships, and going on dates and, well, I wasn't. I couldn't shake the feeling that the problem was me. It's tough being young and not going to prom and not going on dates. A lot of people, It feels like, gauge guys by how many chicks they fuck and that's just not a contest I would win. I don't know, it got to me. I even started questioning my masculinity.

I think I was just so shy and introverted, I felt powerless to even approach someone I liked. That's not necessarily a quality women look for in men. It seems confidence and, perhaps even more important, assertiveness are absolutely essential to guys looking to win over the fairer sex. I, being shy and kind of self conscious, did not posses these qualitites and I believe that's where all my bad luck came from. Based on what you wrote, I think you may fall into this category. I think, like me, you want these things, relationships, companionship, and sex, but aren't as aggressive and tenacious. Do you find it hard playing the games of relationships and dating? I know I do. It's like I want someone, but I'm not willing to go through all the bull shit to get that person.

I noticed you mentioned a few times that it didn't seem like many girls were showing much interest. I know exactly what you mean, it makes it hard. I am always telling people that the strongest emotion I inspire in the opposite sex is indifference. I can't explain it, but I'm beginning to believe guys like us, the quiet type that just aren't that sexually aggressive, are simply at a disadvantage.

It sucks that those dick head, walking erections out there get all the girls, I think a lot of women are attracted to their assertiveness, especially younger girls. Meanwhile, guys like us get labeled as nice (oh, God, how I hate being the "nice guy." I don't know if this has happened to you, but I can testify, being the nice guy is akin to being a fucking leper). I have to believe things will get better, I'm nearly 25 now and my perspective is changing. It's no longer such a big deal, not being Mr Suave. Still, I would like the companionship, but I'm sure that will happen eventually and I'm sure it will happen for you too, whatever it is you may want.

[jpgray]

31. I think the key here is that you don't feel capable of it

As long as that's your viewpoint, I'd say it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's also a form of safety--if you constantly tell yourself that you don't have those feelings, you can't get hurt if things don't turn out well because they will never have a chance to turn out at all. Further, the pressure of feeling that everyone else is involved in it only exacerbates the problem. Inexperience and feel of failure will only serve to reinforce your views that giving it a shot just isn't worth the risk. My brother went through something like this--what knocked him loose was going out on dates via a dating service. Once you're in the situation of no-bullshit dating (i.e. not under the pretense of being friends, but finding a partner) that can help loosen you up. The girls invovled might loosen you up directly, also. :D

I'm not trying to minimize what you say may be a deep-seated psychological or physical issue, but my advice is to give dating a serious shot--say, a few dates each week through a service or through friends. Once your comfort level improves and you are in romantic situations, it'll be easier to know where you stand.