GLBTs: What was it like coming out to your parents? A young friend would like to know.

[bertha katzenengel]

A young friend -- call her Froggy -- has recently realized & accepted that she is bi. She wants to come out to her mom, but doesn't know how. She knows it'll be very hard. Froggy's mom is a good friend of mine and accepts gays wholeheartedly, but Froggy said that mom seemed uneasy when she started to broach the subject.

Please post what your coming out experience was like. Just for reference sake, please post how old you were when you came out and how old you are now.

Thanks!

cross-posted in GLBT

[La Lioness Priyanka]

1. my experience was not so great.

coming out as bi is worse than coming out as gay in some ways. every time i would date a boy my mom would think i am cured. lovely! all in all i have had to come out at least 4 times since i was 18. the first few times she thought i was joking.

however over time, my mother has gotten better. last week she came out shopping with me to buy a gift for lisa, then went home to watch the movie 'fire' (indian movie about lesbians)

however if your friend is gay friendly, her mother may be less opposed to the idea to begin with, and it might not be such a big deal for her.

the problem with bisexuality is that you are essentially telling your parents "i can be with a boy too", and sometimes they hold on to that belief strongly.

[terrya]

2. I was 22 when I came out to my family.

It wasn't great at first. There was crying and anger from my parents...actually, my mom...my dad really didn't have much to say, I remember him sitting there, just silent. We ended up going to family counselling...which was a colossal waste of time and money, since there was really nothing to be "counselled" over. Basically, for several years, my being gay was not talked about by myself to my family and vice versa. But over time, we did start talking about my being gay. My family has, wonderfully, progressed to the point where they accept Doug, my partner, as part of the family. They love him as family.

[Lil Missy]

3. I was well into my adult years before I accepted my own sexuality

My parents didn't give it a second thought, and were just glad that I am finally happy.

My partner, on the other hand, was kicked out of her home. Her mother told her she wouldn't have a goddamned queer living under her roof. Fast forward to today, many years later, they have mended their relationship and spend a lot of quality time together.

[rbnyc]

4. I came out to my parents after I'd moved out.

I'm also bi. I came out simply by refering to girlfriends in the same way that I would refer to boyfriends. I never sat them down and said, "Hey, I'm bi." I just didn't hide anything and acted like it was all par for the course--and that's how they took it.

I would have come out earlier, but they were real screwed up and I didn't really talk to them about anything until after I moved out and they started getting sober and jobs and stuff like that.

[Lyric]

5. At first, my Mom was uncomfortable with it.

She didn't come right out and condemn, but this was near Christmas and I was living in another state at the time. When I told her we'd be coming in for the holidays, her reply was "I don't know, Brandy. I don't think I can have that in my house." But she relented, and wasn't openly rude to my partner.

A couple of months later, Mom was diagnosed with leukemia. Deb and I moved down there to take care of her house and keep her bills paid while she was in the hospital for almost 2 months. When Mom finally came home, she was too weak to care for herself, so Deb and I took care of *her* too. When she recovered, her opinion of Debbie had gone up about 10 miles into the sky, and now she loves Debbie as much as she loves any of her biological kids. If Deb and I split up tomorrow, my Mom would probably hassle me night and day wanting to know if Debbie is okay, or if I've heard from her, or why can't you two just work things out?! :rofl:

[ThomCat]

6. Not well.

It was the start of a permanent decline in our relationship.

[HuffleClaw]

7. "and accepts gays wholeheartedly" ...hmmmmm

strangely that 'wholeheartedness' can vanish pretty fast when its their OWN children coming out to them. not saying that'll be the case in this instance, just a heads up as to the possiblities.

[SacredCow]

8. I came out after a failed marriage....

It was a shock, and didn't go over all that well at first. But after a short period, things have settled into a "Don't ask- Don't tell" mode, which works fine for now since I'm needing my space from family anyway.

This was all within the past 2 years, and I'm 36.

[unsavedtrash]

9. horrible

My mother kicked me out and my father tried to shoot me. Good thing I was a fast runner. Mama and I now have a better relationship but still strained. She will speak to my partner of 12 years but will not come to my house or have my partner in her house. I never spoke to my father again. (this was 20 years ago)

[bertha katzenengel]

10. Thank you all for your replies. Froggy is reading! Kick for today

:kick:

[Mrs. Venation]

11. My Parents Astonished Me!

I didn't come out to my parents until after Bertha and I had met, fallen in love, and she was getting ready to relocate to the east coast to be with me. I'd been out to most of the world, except my parents since my early twenties. I knew that with Bertha I had something priceless beyond measure, and I decided to come out to mom and dad because I wanted them to know exactly who she is to me.

So, I was home to visit my family, and to attend the wedding of my cousin, in June before Bertha moved here in September. I sat down at the kitchen table with my parents, and I told them.

My parents are devout Southern Baptists (I have appropriated a line from Kate Clinton -- she describes herself as a recovering Catholic; I describe myself as a recovering Baptist). For years I had been convinced that they would tell me to leave their home and never return if I came out to them. It was a huge burden to bear, and I was terrified I would lose them.

There was silence for a moment. Then my dad said "you are a fine, caring, wonderful woman, and I am so proud of you. There is nothing you could ever do or say to make me love you less." My mom said she loved me more for telling them. I sobbed. I apologized to them for ever doubting their love. I get misty-eyed even now when I think about that moment.

My mom and I had a lot of rough times when I was growing up. I was not the daughter she wanted, and I always knew that. I used to wonder what I could do to make her like me. She and I were like oil and water, we were such opposites. We argued, yelled and screamed, and generally made life miserable for each other.

Now my mom says I am her best friend. I don't think I would have this relationship with her if I was still hiding in the closet.

My only regret is that there were many times in my life, before I came out to mom and dad, that I kept things from them that I think any child wants to share with parents - times of great sorrow when love was lost, and times of indescribable joy when love found its way back into my life. Maybe mom and dad could not have accepted me if I had come out to them before I did; I'll never know. One thing I do know, though, is how absolutely, astonishingly wonderful it is to know I am loved for the totality of who I am.

Tell your young friend that perhaps her mom's uneasiness stems from concern about how GLBT people are treated in this society. It's better now than it was when I was a young 'un, but it still is far from perfect.

[Mrs. Venation]

12. One More Thing

http://k.domaindlx.com/comingoutstories/

http://www.bibble.org/gay/stories/comingout.html

http://www.hrc.org/Content/NavigationMenu/Coming_Out/Get_Involved3/Share_and_Read_Coming_Out_Stories/Share_Your_Coming_Out_Story.htm

[MonkeyFunk]

13. It was much easier

than I'd imagined. In fact, that's true of coming out to everybody.

I started coming out in '79, and I can say I've never had a bad experience. A couple marginal ones, but never any serious problems.

Best wishes to your friend.