What's wrong this paragraph?

[Race4Peace]

Although the Carpathia was the nearest ship contacted, there was a ship nearer. This ship was the Californian. The Californian, had tried to reach the Titanic earlier, before the collision, to warn her about ice. The Californian, though, was told to "shut the hell up and get off the fucking line." The Californian decided to turn in for the night, and turned off their wireless after responding "fuck you too, bitch!" The California was so close, her officers could see the Titanic and wondered why she looked "so damn queer?" When they saw the Titanic disappear, they thought she had just steamed away. The officers on the Titanic saw the Californian also, and contact was tried, but failed.

[skygazer]

1. In the third to the last sentence

The final "n" is left out on "Californian."

[petronius]

2. There's an unneccesary comma in the first line, and,

according to Strunk & White, "bitch" chould be capitalized when used in the vocative. :)

[Casper Alabaster]

3. Plenty.

Too many commas.

[yewberry]

4. Not exactly sure what you're looking for

but I'll contribute what I can.

You might consider using past perfect rather than simple past.

S1-language around nearest and nearer is unclear.

S2-okay, but you might consider combining with S3 to avoid choppiness.

S3-omit first comma.

S4-okay.

S5-imagery is awkward. The Californian decided to turn in for the night sounds as though the ship itself (and not the crew) went to sleep and then there is an agreement problem with the subject The Californian...turned off their wireless... Again, it's the crew that took the action.

S6-inconsistency with California vs Californian. Omit first comma and insert "that."

S7-okay.

S8-second clause has a subject problem. "Contact" appears to be the subject, but it doesn't really work with "failed." Maybe try "attempts at contact were made" or something like that. Also, the information re: contact in S8 seems to come after the ship has sunk.

Is that the kind of thing asking about (I hope)?

Good luck!

[bridgit]

5. i.e...

Although the Carpathia was the nearest ship contacted; there was a ship nearer. This ship was the Californian.

The Californian, had tried to reach the Titanic earlier, before the collision, to warn her about ice; though was told to, "Shut the hell up! And get off the fucking line!" The Californian decided to turn in for the night, and turned off their wireless after responding, "Fuck you too, bitch!"

The Californian was so close, her officers could see the Titanic and wondered why she looked "So damn queer." When they saw the Titanic disappear, they thought she had just steamed away. The officers on the Titanic saw the Californian also, and contact was tried, but failed.

[Richardo]

6. It's stupid?

:shrug:

[Oeditpus Rex]

7. Everything (n/t)

[crim son]

8. Too many commas. The third sentence could lose two of 'em.

The ship is also referred to as the "California" and the "Californian." Which is it? The word "Fuck" should be capitalized since it's a direct quote. For example.

[skygazer]

9. Also, there shouldn't be a question mark after "queer."

It's not a question.