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Getting the job was the easy part. That's right, when I aced the interview, I figured it would all be downhill from there...little did I know that what followed would torment my nerves for 2 1/2 weeks and counting. "Fill out our medical exam," they said, "send it in to us (they're in a different state--everything took place over the phone) and only then will you be officially hired." No problem, I thought, a quick medical checkup, and you'll have it all in a matter of days.
How wrong I was. For the sake of an uncluttered narrative, I'll break this down into an approximate timeline:
3/15: Day after I "get" the job. I'm sent 4 pages of medical forms and an applicaition.
3/21: I got to my student Health Center and am thoroughly examined. I give blood, and am thoroughly examined. However, I learn I must have the drug screen done at a private clinic--oh, and it won't be covered by the company OR my student health insurance. Whatever.
3/22: I go to the nearest Drug testing clinic, which is in a ramshackle office building in Chinatown. After much discussion about paperwork, and lack of insurance, and How Come Your Company Isn't Paying For This? (good question), I am given a plastic cup and shown to the bathroom No one is there to accept my sample when I am through, so I am forced to walk back into the lobby (crowded, of course) and sheepishly hand over my urine. How long will it take to get the results, I ask. 24 hours, no longer, I am told.
3/23: Back to the Health Center for the results of the blood work. My doctor informs me that she forgot to test me for Hepatitis C, but she marks me as negative anyway. Have the drug test results come in yet, I ask? Nope. Without these, I can't send in the medical forms, so I just fax the application.
3/27: By this time, I have been on the phone with the clinic for the last two days, and this point, it's starting to become clear--they seem to have LOST my paperwork, if not my sample itself. I am told the best thing to do is to come in and do it all over again. When I arrive, the office looks like a bomb hit it. Apparently the temp working the previous week screwed up the entire filling system, and they are sorting huge sheafs of medical paperwork into piles in front of me. The head doctor, seeing the stricken look on my face, says "Wait a minute. I'm SURE I can find your results somewhere" Within 5 minutes she has somehow located my results in New Jersey (why?) and asks the person on the other end to fax them to my doctor. I run back to the Health Center, pick up the results, collect her signature, and fax all the medical documention to my employer. And I'm done! Or so I think....
3/30: Another temp, this time working for my employer, sends me an e-mail informing me that my medical documentation is incomplete. See, the doctor neglected to take my blood pressure on both wrists (?!), but more importantly, despite my doctor vouching for my results with her degree, I didn't send in the PRINTED RESULTS of every blood test I took (a requirement not made clear at all in the documentation). And of course, they ask for the paperwork for Hepatitis C, which was never done. So I run to the medical records section of the Health Center for everything--which was a huge mistake. Why? Because I accidentally inform them that I was given HIV results without "counseling." And New York law demands counseling with the release of HIV results, whether positive or negative (?!!) I say "accidentally" because I had no idea of any of this--my doctor never brought it up, just to speed the proccess along, as she later admits to me. But never mind. She takes more blood for Hepatitis C and checks blood pressure on my left wrist--which, we can't help but notice, is MUCH higher than my other wrist had been a week ago.
Oh, and did I mention the temp informed me that my employer had "misplaced" the application I sent in a week ago? Well, they did.
4/2: After a fretful weekend, I grunt and nod my way through the mandatory counseling session and then race to medical to pick up my 4-page sheet of blood test results. With these in hand, the drug test results, the other medical forms, AND my application, I run to Kinko's and fax over a grand total 17 pages of documentation. And then I relax...or do I? I reread one phrase in the documetation over and over again: "Failure to submit medical records in a timely manner may cause the employee to lose their opportunity."
4/3: This leads me to this afternoon, when I was alerted by the same temp that some medical results were STILL MISSING!! I didn't question her this time--I raced to Medical Records, breathlessly told them what was need, then sat in the lobby, furtively tearing pages out of a magazine and crumpling them up for a good half hour. When the results came back, they were EXACTLY the same as the ones I had received the previous day! I called up the Temp to point this out, and she said "Well, I'm looking at these now, and...wait, hold on..." I am handed over to the boss, the man who originally hired me, who takes a look at my fax and says--"Yes, they're here. I'm forwarding these to the Medical Department right away. They'll give me their OK in a couple days, and then I'll put you on a ship."
Yes, a ship. This job is to play Saxophone on a cruise ship--perhaps the most fun-sounding job I can think of. And when it happens this Summer (IF it ever happens), I'll be envying those suckers sunbathing on the Lido Deck, enjoying their weekend without a care in the world--after all this bureaucratic torture, I could really use a vacation myself...
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