{OFFICIAL} Freeper/Troll appreciation Thread #1

The Doctor.

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Sun Apr-01-07 03:37 PM
Original message

{OFFICIAL} Freeper/Troll appreciation Thread #1

Edited on Sun Apr-01-07 03:44 PM by Dr_eldritch

Today, as I sit and reflect on the nature and flavor of ‘discussion’ in this country and indeed, right here on DU, it has occurred to me that most of us have overlooked one of the vitally important functions of discourse that certain ‘informationally deficient’ individuals provide to not only this community, but to that of America as a whole. These loosely defined ‘individuals’ are responsible for inciting much impassioned contention over what might otherwise be civilized and productive debate. Outside of the DU community, many of them are known as ‘BushBots’, ‘Kons’, ‘Neo-Cons’, ‘Freepers’, ‘Konservatives’, ‘Freeptards’, ‘Morans’, etc. When, however, any of these types decide to interact with the reality-based community, they are endearingly referred to as ‘Trolls’.

Without the presence of these ‘Trolls’, reality-based discussion boards such as these would be shockingly devoid of suspicion, irrational contention, and hilarious moments of sublime density that keep us on our toes, as well as entertained. Without these “Trolls”, this might just be a place, God forbid, of refined conversation and enlightenment, and we can’t have that… can we?

Another important thing to keep in mind; If we do not give thought, and even praise to these wonderful gifts of absurdity, then we here may experience the backlash of perspective from not constantly revisiting and reviewing the neurosis that keeps stark contrast with empirical reason. Without this, it can result in a loss of perspective and ideological orientation resulting in the condition; “Trollidiocy”*. Even recently, one prolific and eloquent DUer has fallen to this condition. We cannot let this tragedy occur again by ignoring the important role these creatures play in our infosphere.
So let us take a moment to reflect on these, God’s creatures, sent to inspire us, incite us, and ultimately, entertain us all.

Please post any of your thoughts regarding the Freepers/Trolls to show our appreciation for these interesting, if not magnificent or particularly comely, but certainly temporary, visitors to the Real World.

Here I will list tips for caring for a Freeper/Troll that any of us might come across lurking in the lounge, complaining in conference, or just being obnoxious in GD;

DO NOT FEED ANY TROLL you find with anything you may simply have at hand. Remember! –Trolls have very delicate sensitivities and must only be introduced to diets consistent with their nature.

1) Do not feed your Troll fish, or any other ‘brain food’ that might improve neuro-inhibitor production and reuptake. Your troll does have the ability to transform into a more thoughtful, productive poster. Feeding them thusly is similar to feeding your larval Gremlin after midnight.

2) Likewise, do not feed them high-fiber facts, as many of them can experience allergic reactions characterized by high-blood pressure, deafness, blindness, and nondescript mental anguish. If this happens, be sure to expose your Troll to week-long binges on Rush Limbaugh and Faux News to restore them to ignorance.*

3) Trolls love Red Meat issues! Feel free to supply them with all the Gay Rights and Pro-Choice rants you can come up with. These thick, juicy issues contain loads of free radicals which interfere with mental function and will keep your Troll in a blissfully irate condition indefinitely.(Now don’t tell them they’re having ‘free radicals’ or they may suddenly become suspicious. Tell them ‘extra oxygens’ instead.)

4) Avoid direct exposure to Light. Your Troll may consider it a form of excessive punishment, become skittish, and begin avoiding threads where they might otherwise thrive.

5) Always remember to keep your Troll clean, but NEVER USE SOAP as soap will deplete the natural oils that keep them slippery on the issues.

If any Troll experts have anything to add, please include it in your responses so we may all become more informed.

Thank you all for helping to bring this critical issue to light and keeping our Trolls healthy and discontent for all of our enjoyment!

:applause:

*This message has been brought to you by Trollactive™. Trollactive™ should be used for indications of ingenuity, eloquence, insightfulness, outwardly and articulate expressive behavior, pensiveness, posting to Democratic message boards, excessive and intelligent communication with congresspersons, and/or other government representatives, participation in Democratic events, displays of Constitutionally-based patriotism and questioning authority in any non-partisan capacity. Side effects may include, but are not limited to; dullness, lethargy, bouts of irrational rage, paranoia, speaking at higher volumes to indicate ‘truth’, joining a Rush Limbaugh or Anne Coulter fan club, jingoism, headache, narcissism, fear of and non-differentiation of Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Jews, and those ‘other’ Christians, projectile vomiting, fear of Gays, sleeplessness, obsessive/compulsive recitation of GOP talking points, erectile dysfunction, ‘beer goggles’, inexplicable and irrational fear of terrorists in the closet, evangelical Christians in your closet, linear non-critical thinking, bleeding from unspeakable orifices, compulsive homoerotic encounters, addiction to other stimulants/depressants, avoidance of military service, kleptomania, graft, nepotism, dizziness, hypocrisy, severe memory loss; most notably if under oath, compulsive repetition of the phrase, “Shut UP!”, excitability, and frequent shark-attack. Please do not take Trollactive™ If you are pregnant, nursing, have a history of cardiovascular disease, high blood-pressure, low blood pressure, if your IQ is already tested below 85, if you are on any stimulants/depressants, you are a dittohead, you find Anne Coulter attractive and frequently envision erotic fantasies wherein you prostrate yourself to be violated by Anne while wearing a Little Bo Peep outfit and Anne is ‘master of the Shepherd’s Crook’, you have recently been or are planning to fly, drive, operate heavy machinery, operating a toaster-oven, operating light machinery, operating during open heart surgery, are in post-op, pre-op, or opt-out, if you have a history of psychosis, migraines, yourgraines, amber waves of grains, brain hemorrhaging, loyalty to the Bush Administration, cerebral aneurism, anmyism, antheirism, atheism, blasphemism, or if you are or have been a drop-out before the seventh grade, or are already a Christian Evangelical preacher or married to one.
As always, consult your Evangelical pastor or Fundamental Physician before taking Trollactive™. Use Trollactive™ responsibly. Thank you for trying Trollactive™.

Mods, please feel free to start 'FTAT' #s 2 and 3 as this will undoubtedly fill with appreciation very quickly.