Funny "One-Liners" of any kind..... Let's hear 'em!

[Intelsucks]

I always liked:

"Boy, you ain't got enough sense to pour piss out of a boot with directions on the heel!":spank:

[NightTrain]

1. You're so full of shit, you must fart through your ears.

n/t

[Blue-Jay]

2. Escalators never break. They just "become stairs".

-Mitch Hedberg

[meegbear]

3. He's a nice guy when he's not around.

n/t

[Beearewhyain]

4. I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken n/t

[frogfromthenorth2]

5. The last time I was inside a woman is when I visited the Statue of Liberty

Woody Allen

[nyrnyr1994]

6. Do you have a mirror in your pocket?

'Cause I can see myself in your pants! :evilgrin:


Edit note: And this post brought me to 300!! Woo-Hoo! :party:

[ThomWV]

7. When Replying

When replying to the question, 'how you doin'? and I answered 'Pretty good.' I was then told:

Well, you might be doin' good, but you sure as hell ain't pretty.

[underpants]

8. Two wrongs don't make a right but three rights make a left

Bam doom pish!

[bif]

9. I've got 12" but I don't use it as a rule.

n/t

[nyrnyr1994]

10. A day without sunshine...

is night.

[bif]

11. In Bologna they really know how to slice it.

n/t

[ThreeCatNight]

12. A baby seal walks into a club.

Disclaimer....
No baby seals were harmed in the telling of this joke.....

[ThreeCatNight]

13. A dsylexic man walks into a bra.

I got a million of 'em.

[ThreeCatNight]

16. A skeleton walks into a bar.....

Says "Give me a beer and a mop".

I never said they would get better.

[Robb]

37. BWA HA HA HA!!

(wipes away tear) :D

[Richardo]

14. I've been to a World's Fair, a picnic and a rodeo and that the *stupidest*

thing I've ever heard come over a pair of earphones..."

Slim Pickens as Major Kong, Dr. Strangelove

[ronnykmarshall]

15. Two good ones

From the movie "Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore", Mel was yelling at Flo and Alice trying to find Vera. Flo (Diane Ladd) snaps at him: "God-damn it Mel, she was taking a shit and the hogs ate her!"

Another one: "If gas were brains, you couldn't back a piss ant out of a peanut shell."

[mac56]

17. "If it wasn't for mini-blinds, it'd be curtains for all of us!"

nm

[Loonman]

18. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again...

...it's money well spent.

[mac56]

19. "A man with one watch knows what time it is.

A man with two watches is never sure."

[FunBobbyMucha]

20. In the immortal words of Socrates,

"I drank what?"

[Semi_subversive]

23. How many times do I have to flush before you go away!

[underpants]

21. Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others

:bounce:

[underpants]

22. Time Flies like an arrow. Fruit Flies like a banana

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.


http://www.therightside.demon.co.uk/quotes/groucho/

[nyrnyr1994]

24. 100,000 sperm...

and you were the fastest?

[Toby109]

25. I never forget a face

but in your case I'll make an exception. -- Groucho

[Bertha Venation]

26. so ugly his parents had to tie a pork chop around his

neck to get the dog to play with him

[nyrnyr1994]

27. Two more

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

[VelmaD]

28. One I coined myself...I swear...

You ain't the brightest lightening bug in the swarm.

I'm also fond of one my brother uses "You're about as sharp as a sack of wet mice". :-)

[mac56]

29. Here's one I coined myself:

"If it wasn't for the post office, I'd never see pictures of my family."

[Bertha Venation]

32. Dude!

LOL :7

[SpiralHawk]

30. "Flush twice: It's a long Way to the Kitchen"

Grafitti in the men's room of a greasy spoon diner.

[Intelsucks]

31. Have you been takin' Karate lessons? Because your breath is kickin'!

:evilgrin:

[Mrs. Venation]

33. Jesus Loves You; Everyone Else Thinks You're an Asshole n/t

[Tripper11]

34. You couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery

Dear ol' Dad as far as I know. B-)

[dolo amber]

35. My very own

Written on a condom machine: "This gum tastes terrible."

:D:D

[proud patriot]

36. We went from a president who could lobby a congressman on Bosnian

policy while getting a blowjob to a president
who can't watch football and eat at the same time .

[VOX]

38. Yogi Berra: "It gets late early out there." Also...

"You can observe a lot just by watching."
"That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore."
"This is like deja vu all over again."

Yogi deserves his won category -- :toast:

[Beearewhyain]

39. In the immortal words of Foghorn Leghorn

Son, if you were any sharper you would cut yourself

[HEyHEY]

40. He;s got his snow suit on and he's heading North

When someone is about to jump out of the frying pan and in to the fire. Or when someone is drunk and getting drunker.