Not Quite the News

[SoCalDem]

The problem with antique stuffed animals is they always have some loose thread or button that needs to be pulled:

A guard dog has ripped apart a collection of rare teddy bears, including one once owned by Elvis Presley, during a rampage at a children's museum.

"He just went berserk," said Daniel Medley, general manager of the Wookey Hole Caves near Wells, England, where hundreds of bears were chewed up Tuesday night by the 6-year-old Doberman pinscher named Barney.

Barney ripped the head off a brown stuffed bear once owned by the young Presley during the attack, leaving fluffy stuffing and bits of bears' limbs and heads on the museum floor.

Completely out of control, Barney had to be wrestled to the ground to make him stop. In the aftermath of his destruction of the $900,000 collection of antiques, Barney announced he'd be checking into rehab.



Hollywood, FL (Rotters) - A tearful right-wing pundit Stephen Colbert stepped forward in Hollywood today to become the fourth man to claim paternity over five month old Dannielyn after the tragic death of mother Anna Nicole Smith yesterday. Colbert joins Smith lawyer Howard K. Stern, photographer Larry Birkhead, and Prince Frederic von Anhalt, the husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor as claimants of fatherhood to a five month old now orphaned little girl who may reportedly be worth over 500 million dollars.

Colbert produced photographs of the couple and daughter recently after her birth. He claimed that the relationship was kept secret out of concerns from campaign staffers as to how it would affect his candidacy for the vice presidency in 2008 in conjunction with running mate Jon Stewart.

Fighting back tears, Colbert went on to explain how he became romantically involved with Nicole Smith last year while he was covering her Supreme Court case in Washington as a reporter for the Daily Show. "She was a powerful woman," Colbert said of Smith, "the flesh was willing and the mind was weak."

Colbert went on to scoff at the claims of others stating that he was confident that genetic testing would bear his version of events out. When asked if he felt that this new revelation would adversely affect the Stewart/Colbert '08 campaign or his marriage, Colbert insisted that to the contrary, his actions were reflective of traditional conservative Republican family values and would be an asset to the campaign.

"I'm not in this for the money, folks," Colbert vowed to reporters. "This lonely abandoned little girl needs a family... a mother, a father, and a little brother. Dannielyn is going to grow up right alongside baby Stephen and they'll play in the same cage... unless, it turns out she's allergic to feathers."

The Hollywood Medical Examiner's Office stated that it was looking into hiring extra staff to handle blood testing and other paperwork over the next week as it anticipated paternity claims would continue to swell.




ROME (Rotters) - Archaeologists in the northern Italian city of Mantova today declared conclusively that the 5000 year old couple recently discovered buried in an embrace was indeed homosexual.

"It's not so much of an extraordinary case," stated Elena Menotti, the archaeologist in charge of the dig, "given the ancient cultural acceptance of homosexuality before the appearance of Christianity."

Initially it was felt by the team that the two were almost certainly a man and woman, but closer scrutiny of pelvic measurements showed that both skeletons were more consistent with the male sex.

"I must say that when we discovered them, we all had high hopes that this might be a heterosexual couple, but it just didn't pan out," Menotti told Rotters.

Researchers will now be tasked with uncovering the cause of death for the couple. Archaeologists at the site assured reporters that damage to the remains were most likely not the result of violence or trauma, as might be suspected in this day and age, but more likely due to the ravages of time.





Washington, DC (UPSI) - The Bush Administration today announced, after much deliberation, that it had decided to place the polar bear on its new "Enabled Species List". The polar bear would become the first such animal listed under the administration's revamping of the Endangered Species Act. Under its new designation as an "enabled species" the polar bear has essentially been adopted, through an agreement with the Bush administration, by Atlanta-based corporate giant Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola will be charged with helping to facilitate the polar bear's successful adaptation to its rapidly changing environment.

Coca-Cola CEO, E. Neville Isdell stated that the company was proud to step forward and become involved in the administration's pilot program. "We owe a lot to these big fellas over the years," stated Isdell, "The annual Christmas campaigns featuring them have been some of the most successful advertisements in marketing history. We're happy that we're now able to give a little back."

Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne steadfastly denied that the concession over listing of the polar bear would in any way signal the administration's possible recognition of the effects of increasing greenhouse gases. He did, however, reveal that some of the language of the sponsorship agreement reached with Coca-Cola entitled the company to an undisclosed, yet substantial amount of what are described as future CO2 credits linked to their carbonation and bottling processes.

"We're excited about the future for polar bears, and the ways in which we can enable them to take advantage of their changing environment," stated Kempthorne. "They're natural swimmers, with a true love of the water. Coca-Cola will be working closely with government funded scientists to intelligently design a new breed of polar bear capable of conducting their essential life cycle activities in a purely aquatic environment."

"Our customers will automatically become involved with the adaptation of the polar bear," stated CEO Isdell. "For every purchase of one of our products, Coca-Cola will automatically access available donated funding towards reducing carbon footprints, which will be put towards selective breeding programs for strong swimmers. In addition, there are exploratory studies underway in which 2 L plastic containers can be recycled and combined in masses to serve as floating replacements for the diminishing sea ice, providing brief rest areas for the newer, more aquatic bears."

Isdell encouraged consumers to support the Enabled Species Act through their purchases of Coca-Cola products. "This is an awfully big carbon footprint that we're attempting to fill, and were going to need everybody's shoes to get the job done," concluded Isdell.


Found at:

http://www.dudehisattva.com/