I hate funerals.

[Cabcere]

As most of you probably know, my friend Danny was killed in Iraq last week (on Valentine's Day, actually). I just got a call from one of my friends letting me know that the funeral is scheduled for 11:00 on Thursday, and she wanted to know if I was going to try to get home for it. I told her I didn't think I'd be able to make it, because home is about 250 miles away and I don't have a car on campus. She said OK, but that she was going to try to find a ride (we go to the same college). I talked to another friend (from a different college) who said that I should try to get home any way I can, and she's probably right. I'm conflicted, though, for a number of reasons (many - OK, pretty much all - of them selfish. :( ):

1) I have two long classes on Thursday, one that only meets once a week, and at a notoriously academically rigorous college like this one, I feel like it would be difficult to miss those classes (even if the professors okayed it, which I'm sure they would, there would still be a ton of makeup work, and I'm already started to get swamped for the semester). That's the really shallow reason, and the one that I could possibly overcome.

2) Still pretty shallow, but...I don't handle funerals well at all. I don't know of very many people who do, but I tend to seriously freak out, even if I didn't really know the deceased person. Not just uncontrollable/hysterical crying to the point of almost becoming physically ill, but pretty much a complete mental breakdown. The last few times I've been to funerals - again, for people I barely knew - I was pretty much emotionally, mentally, and even to some extent physically incapacitated for the rest of the day. I've also experienced intense suicidal urges as a result of attending a funeral. :shrug: I'm not exactly sure what triggers it, but I think it may just be the sense of despair and grief that overwhelms me - even if the person had lived a long, full life with no regrets, and even if most of the other people at the funeral are treating it as a celebration of the person's life. I just can't do it.

So, here's my problem. Part of me knows I should find a way to get home for Danny's funeral, come hell or high water, because it's the right thing to do. We may not have been super-close since I graduated, but he was still a good friend and a wonderful person, and he deserves all the honor and love he can get. However, I can't even imagine what going to a friend's funeral (and such an untimely one, at that) would do to me. I feel selfish even thinking this, because I know it's not all about me...but I'm honestly afraid of how I would react. :( I think it might push me over the edge...and, as cheesy as it sounds, I'm sure Danny wouldn't want me to join him just yet. :cry:

I guess what I'm trying to do is ask for some advice...although, please, if you're just going to tell me I'm being a drama queen, I really don't need that - I know I probably sound like one, but this is a real problem for me. :shrug: Thanks.

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

1. I didn't even attend either of my parents' funerals

Besides being half a nation away, I saw little point in it- according to my religious belief it's just a walk through a door to a different place anyway. I'll see 'em both again one day. I know they understand it would have done nothing for me to go hundreds of miles to look at a box containing a mere empty shell.

I don't regret my choice.

[uppityperson]

2. thoughts

If it would drive you to suicide, probably not a good idea. If you get really sad and upset and cry and all that at funerals, that is normal, but not usually suicide. There are all sorts of ways to react and NO ONE has the right to tell anyone else how they "should" react. Would going help you deal with his death? Have you been to a funeral of a friend, since you seem to be saying mostly people you don't know well? Can you find another way to honor, to celebrate, Danny's life and death? It is ok to do something else in memory of him. I ducked out of a close cousin's funeral when I was about 30, just could not do it. I felt bad about it for a long time. The next time someone I was close to, loved, died, I went and even talked in front of the memorial group because that would be the last chance I got to do it for that loved one.

No one can tell you what to do, but good luck with whatever and my condolences.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

3. Go. He was your friend. Funerals are mainly for the person's family,

and they would surely appreciate it if his friends were there. Knowing you might have brought a little comfort to his family by just being there could make it a bit easier for you to handle.

[JVS]

4. Go. You won't be the only one to feel bad

[Lars39]

5. The right thing to do is to treat yourself well.

It sounds like it would be too much for you. Be kind to yourself.
You'll keep your memories of him close to your heart. :hug:
A letter to his parents about why Danny was so special to you might mean a lot to them down the road.

[FooFootheSnoo]

6. if you don't go

then send some nice flowers to the funeral and a card with a small donation to the family.

[eyesroll]

9. Careful with flowers and donations, if you don't know the religious/cultural traditions of the

family...I'm most familiar with Jewish customs, for instance, and flowers don't get sent to the funeral, and donations get made to charity, never to the family. In that case, a charitable donation (the obituary will usually have a suggestion) or a gift of food after the funeral is more appropriate.

But the spirit of your advice is sound -- acknowledge the loss with at least a card and an appropriate gift, if you're not going to the funeral itself.

[Esra Star]

7. Nobody normal likes going to funerals.

If you choose not to go don't take it out on yourself.
I would also say that you should talk to somebody about your
extreme reaction to funerals.
It just sounds like empathy de luxe to me.

[Skittles]

8. compromise

stop by to pay your respects and sign the log and say a few words to the family and then leave - it's the best solution - you'll feel guilty if you don't go and over-emotional if you stay