How do you deal with friends who have more money than you?

[prolesunited]

Several of our friends have considerably more money than we do. It doesn't bother me and I'm not jealous as making money or having a showy lifestyle has never been one of my priorities.

However, it does become an issue when scheduling activities. For example, we used to take turns entertaining at our own homes, but the newest kick is going out to dinner and then hanging out. Apparently, they don't want to be "bothered" with the fuss of hosting dinner.

This weekend, we went out to dinner in Chicago and there were four couples. To avoid any problems, we asked for a separate check from the group but the waitress wouldn't do it. We didn't have any drinks with dinner, and didn't share in the appetizers. I just had salad and a meatless pasta and Jason had soup and a seafood pasta.

Meanwhile, they ordered plentiful drinks and several ordered steaks. When, the bill came, it was $400 with tip and they said we should just split it four ways. I pointed out that it was hardly fair since we ordered so much less. I think ours came out to less than $45 without tip.

Anyway, it turned into a somewhat of a fuss and I felt rather embarrassed about the whole situation.

So, would you have just "eaten" the cost to keep up appearances? When the wait staff, won't give you a separate check, how do you prevent it from happening again? What other situations have you encountered?

[graywarrior]

1. I have a millionaire friend.

She's always bumming quarters off me.

[jpgray]

2. Speaking as a waiter, that's bizarre they wouldn't give you a separate tab

But forcing someone to pay for a portion of stuff they didn't want or consume seems pretty tacky to me.

[prolesunited]

9. Oh, we didn't

My friend Steve was just too lazy and buzzed to figure it out. His wife was very nice about it, but one of the other women said she would "put in extra to cover for us" — which was not what I was asking anyone to do. I just gave them $60 and dropped it.

We did bring our hosts a small box of chocolates and served as official photographers for the evening at the after party and will send them out the pics this week, so it's not like we're cheap or thoughtless guests.

I think sometimes, especially on a Saturday night in the city, that the staff won't do separate checks for tables because it would be too much of a hassle. And, a lot of places have automatic 15% gratuities for tables of six or more.

I've known all of these people for years (one is my sister, so like all my life) and Steve and I have been friends for 30 years, so it's not like I can't bring it up if it becomes an ongoing problem.

[jpgray]

13. If they're using an ordering system like Aloha they can easily tack on a gratuity to separate checks

And even if it's old school handwritten tabs, that should be easy enough to figure--sounds like a lazy or extremely-busy server to me. I know you and Jay would be perfect dinner companions, but I was unsure if this was some weird social situation where you couldn't really explain the issue without causing someone to get upset.

[Susang]

26. It's not unusual at all

Every single place I worked at in Chicago didn't give separate checks. Especially not on weekend nights. It significantly slows down service on high volume nights.

[jpgray]

28. In the twin cities, especially the nicer restaurants, it's not that way at all

With the new ordering systems especially, since everything is split by seat already, it only takes about half a minute or so of extra time to take care of. Even on extremely high volume days it didn't cause any problems where I've worked.

[leftofthedial]

3. LOL!

That would be all my friends these days.

Don't go out where more money might be spent than you are comfortable splitting, unless they specifically offer in advance to treat.

At least now you understand a bit about how the wealthy get that way.

[wildhorses]

4. that waitperson should be educated--

managemnt should know about this

[prolesunited]

11. I certainly wasn't going to make a bigger deal

A lot of restaurants have that type of policy.

[wildhorses]

14. the hell you say?!?!

i have worked in 4 star restaurants and the only policy i have ever heard is:
'the customer is always right, even when the customer is wrong, the customer is right'

i see you are from chicago...i dunno...maybe things are different up there.

i have always provided separate checks upon request, GLADLY and with a SMILE on my face...it is no problem WHATSOEVER...

[prolesunited]

19. Well, I guess we'll all have to eat

where you work next time. ;-)

[wildhorses]

21. not sure you want to eat in the ER

which is where i work now:rofl:

and the cafeteria food sucks:puke:

was there something posted somewhere about this policy?

i truly am flabbergasted:wtf:

does NOT say good things about chicago's restaurants

[GoddessOfGuinness]

20. I agree...

It wasn't as if they were asking something extraordinary. Somebody was being very lazy.

[wildhorses]

22. --

i am drinking a guinness as i post this;)

i think the little bead they put in the bottles is cool:hi:

not just lazy but, downright rude and aiding abetting a con...

truly, it was contemptible

perhaps, i am just touchy today but this is bizarre behavior for wait staff in my experience:shrug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

23. Cheers!

:toast:
If I was in an enormous party, I could understand. But even when I've dined in very large groups, the waitstaff has never complained about offering several checks to make payment time quicker and more efficient.

[sandnsea]

5. Reminds me of my sister

Her and her husband, upper income, have a huge thing about splitting checks at meals. A restaurant in our town doesn't split tabs because they automatically add the 20% tip to tables of more than 8. Long story short, my sister made a HUGE deal about getting the check split to the point that she embarrassed ME, which is pretty damn hard to do. I don't know why she makes such a huge deal out of it, from the other side. We see each other about once every 5 years so it's not like we're mooching meals off of them. When we go out with friends, we always get one check and then put in whatever we each spend. That's how po' folks do it, I know. I guess if I were in your shoes, I would go out with them less and then find a 'great new recipe' when it was my turn to treat.

[prolesunited]

12. We don't go out with them very often

So, I guess I just need to be better prepared for next time. It wouldn't have hurt as much if I hadn't had my car unexpectedly worked on last week to the tune of $350.

[wildhorses]

24. the 20% gratuity can be added to the separate checks

i know...i did it ALL the time

this is just trifling behavior by everyone imho

sorry, just my .02 ymmv

[sandnsea]

25. Small towns don't do auto-gratuities

I had actually never even heard of such a thing until I went to Disneyworld when I was over 30.

So this restaurant in my very small tourist town is run by a bit of a jerk who decided to do the automatic gratuity on large tables. The only restaurant in town that does that. In his pea-brain, anybody who asks for a split check is necessarily trying to cheat the wait staff out of their tip. :crazy: While the restaurant does have the right to set their policy, my sister was also right to remind him that we could just get up and 'cheat' the restaurant out of dinner for ten by going somewhere else to eat. But it was so unnecessary considering the entire table was family who could have easily divvied up the check.

[wildhorses]

27. perhaps in YOUR small town that is the status quo BUT, not

this here small town...

[sandnsea]

29. Your restaurants force tips???

Really? I've been all over the country and have very very rarely had the restaurant automatically add the tip.

[wildhorses]

33. sorry..confused

i thought we were talking about restaurants IN small towns...

perhaps you meant to be funny:shrug:


every restaurant can set its own policy, i would think...

[Spider Jerusalem]

6. Your so-called "friends" sound like assholes.

And the waitress was a moron.

[Redstone]

7. We have some of those, and some others who don't. It never becomes an issue.

I guess we're lucky.

Redstone

[Tyo]

8. I think a little more sensitivity on your friends' part would have been good

It's not like we know what's in everyone's bank account, but it's pretty obvious that have quite a bit more money than some of our friends and a whole lot less than others. It all works out for the most part. We try to plan stuff that works for the group. Potlucks are great.

Try calling up the restaurant and telling them what you want to spend per person and letting them handle the food. This works pretty well especially with Asian and bistro-type places and it's fun cuz you don't always know what you're going to get. As far as the drinking goes, most restaurants will run a separate bar tab or you could maybe pay for the drinks as they show up.

If we are going out sometimes we offer to treat and a lot of times we are treated, but it's always known up front what's happening. If you want separate checks, bring it up when you make the reservation.

It's the friendship that counts. If the people you are hanging with now don't respect you enough not to put you on the the spot when it's time to pay the bill then maybe it's time to broaden the circle a little.

[prolesunited]

10. Well, it really hasn't been an issue

because I have been working every weekend and missed most of the previous get-togethers.

I don't think anyone was trying to be malicious, just not thinking about it I guess.

I know when it's our turn, I will be cooking. And, they really like my cooking, especially what I whip up for desserts.

[Tyo]

15. You say "whip up" like it's that easy

I have a lot of respect for anyone who can cook. My partner does this great pan-Asian stuff. I've got omelets down but that's about it.
Good luck with the next dinner!

[WCGreen]

16. Why should you subsidize their entertainment....

Fuck that....

[AlCzervik]

17. i think it was ridiculous of them to suggest splitting it 4 ways

not cool at all. I'm sure they knew your share was much less than theirs.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

18. There's no shame in earning less than someone else.

Be up-front about what ou can afford before a restaurant is selected. If they still want to go someplace fancy, explain that you'll deliberately order less-expensive fare, and figure out what you owe, as you did in this instance. It won't hurt for your friends to remember that for most of us, money doesn't grow on trees.

It'd also be great for them to find out that restaurants don't need to be horribly expensive to be good. I can't imagine why the wait staff at such an expensive restaurant would refuse to offer 4 separate checks for your party. Sounds like you weren't really getting the service you paid for.

[Skittles]

30. your "friends" and the waitress are all a bunch of assholes

you need some new friends and better restaurants

[Bunny]

31. I'm confused by your use of the term "host".

How are they your host when they expect you to pay for your own food? You stated that when it's your turn, you would be cooking. Do you intend to charge them for the food you prepare? I guess I'm hung up on the wording, because no one can really call themself a host if they're expecting others to pay for their own food.

In any case, my confusion isn't really the issue. Your friends were tacky in expecting you to split a $400 tab four ways, when it was obvious that you didn't consume as lavishly as they did.

[Robeson]

32. Stand your ground, and pay for what you bought....

...give them the money for your meal. If they want to play Big-Ass-Pete, then let them. Doesn't mean you have to.

[Midlodemocrat]

34. I'm always conscious of spending more when we eat out.

We have friends with whom with eat out who are approximately in the same socioeconomic strata as we are, but sometimes we will consume more expensive stuff. The last time we went out with them, we bought a ton of gelato to bring home, so our bill was $80 and theirs was closer to $40, but my husband and the friend's husband wanted to split the bill.

I wouldn't do it. I paid our portion because it's not fair to stick someone with the bill if they didn't consume what you did.

Now, we DO with this same couple, call up and ask them to 'join us for dinner', fully expecting to be the host couple and pay for the meal. They do the same for us, so it works out well. Neither couple feels slighted.

[Connonym]

35. I've had this issue with dates

When I'm dating, I'm adamant about either paying half the check or alternating who pays. I was dating a man who thought nothing of spending $100+ on dinner. After a few dates I straight out told him that I couldn't afford to keep that lifestyle and if we were to continue to date we'd have to scale back and make our regular dates a lot less expensive. It was embarassing to bring it up but I felt that if he and I were going to hit it off I had to be upfront and if he was a jerk about it, it was a good sign that we shouldn't be together. He was very cool about it. We ended up only dating for another six weeks or so and the split didn't have anything to do with that. If someone is truly your friend they should understand and respect your situation. If they can't do that then perhaps it's time for new friends.

[Strawman]

36. I'd only pay for what I ate/drank in that situation

If splitting it four ways was close to being the same (like within $5-$10), fine. But $50 not including tip? No way. I can't afford pissing away $50 just to keep up appearances.

[PVnRT]

37. FOUR HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS?????

Was this magical steak that cures cancer? Jesus H. Tap-Dancing Christ! A t-bone from the local butcher costs $11!

Next time head to Gino's East for deep dish. And, no, I don't "eat" costs to keep up appearances, if they want to piss money away, it's their business. Pay your share and move on.

[Jimbo S]

38. You're asking two questions here

#1
I have a brother who makes 2x-3x what I make, so I just ignore him. :P

#2
Only pay for what you purchased. You need to stand up for yourself. Otherwise, the situation will only repeat itself.