Snow: Look, you traitorous liberals, quit sending peanut butter

[jmowreader]

The White House (Spurious News Network) -- Salmonella-contaminated peanut butter being recalled nationwide. A cashiered presidential chef's claim that President Bush frequently eats peanut butter sandwiches for lunch. Could the White House possibly suffer another peanut butter-related disaster?

"Yeah," claims White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, "fucking liberals are loading us up with the shit."

Ever since the recent revelation that certain lots of two popular brands of peanut butter, ConAgra's Peter Pan and Wal-Mart's ConAgra-produced Great Value, are contaminated with salmonella bacteria, liberal groups have been sending truckloads of peanut butter from these lots to the White House. The presidential staff is livid. "You can't eat it," claims Snow. "You can't cook with it. We piled it up behind the Oval Office for lack of anywhere else to put it, and we had to tie the president to his chair to keep him from running outside and diving head-first into it. We can't throw the shit away because it's classified as infectious waste, there's not a hazmat hauler in the DC area that's got the capacity to handle it, and we're fairly sure that if we don't do something with it pretty soon we'll be cited by the Board of Health. Hell, we can't even convince the homeless to take it. Fucking cold weather. I tell you, if it was 70 degrees outside the bums wouldn't be buying newspapers, but when it's this cold they throw two quarters in a paper box, take out all the newspapers, and use them as insulation. Of course the peanut butter story is above the fold. If we would have known we would have given the vice president a gun, sent him to a low-income neighborhood and told him the pheasants in DC look a lot like people. We therefore remind all the traitors in the Democrat Party that sending the president contaminated peanut butter will be construed as a threat to the president's life and is punishable by twenty years in Abu Ghraib, and believe me when I tell you there are rooms in that prison we haven't released pictures of yet."

When reminded that his remarks would be construed as racist and classist, Snow put his head in his hands and began to cry softly. "It's just this place, okay? It makes me homesick for Fox News. I work for an drunken idiot. His wife is worse. The whole White House smells like a fucking bowling alley because they sit in there and smoke a carton a day apiece. You've got to have a criminal record to be one of his friends, and the worse it is the better he likes you. He doesn't even dress very well and theypay him $400,000 a year. You'd think he could at least get a suit that fits and put some makeup on his whiskey flush, but no. And now this peanut butter shit. Look, guys, I hate the fucker as bad as you do, so can you kinda mellow out a little? I promise I'll put a link to "Triumph of the Wimp" on the White House website if you just quit sending us peanut butter."