So, seriously... when it comes to your kids... how do you let go?

[MissMillie]

My son should have had the best year of his life. He graduated high school and had a scholarship for 4 years of tuition to any state school. He was receiving survivor benefits through Social Security and health insurance as long as he remained in school. He had inherited a large sum of money. He had landed a good job at Sears (selling electronics during the Christmas season).

He totally stopped attending school half-way through his first semester and lost his scholarship because he failed all his classes. He's registered for this semester, but he had to pay for it out of his own pocket. He never reported to work for the job he got at Sears and instead he's wearing out his first car by delivering pizza 2 days a week. And oh yeah, he has practically pissed through all the money he inherited (but he's got 3 really expensive guitars (that he doesn't know how to play) and some really nice tattoos to show for it).

On top of it all, he has managed to ignore not only every piece of advice I have given him, but the simplest of requests that I make for help around the house or for how he or his friends should behave in my home (like being quiet so I can sleep at night, and no racial slurs etc) are an all-out battle. I get no consideration whatsoever.

I've been good to him, and I've been good to his friends. They never had to ask me for anything more than once. EVERYTHING I ask for I have to ask multiple times.

It has been like this since September.

I'm moving out in a couple of weeks, and today he tells me that instead of trying to work through our problems I'm "bailing".

I feel like a huge failure. My son doesn't at all resemble the person I tried to teach him to be. When people ask about him, I no longer have anything at all positive to say (he's not even healthy--he's put on a ton of weight, is seriously sedentary and is smoking).

Yes, I'm going to be living alone soon, so a lot of the stress will be done with, but seriously--how do you just "let go"?

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear MissMillie........

Pardon my language.....but your son is an ungrateful ass.........

You are not bailing.

He needs to be cut loose, and you are doing that.

He will find out the hard way that he has made some major mistakes, and too bad....

You've done what you can, and the rest is up to him.

I say it's way past time for some tough love.

Good luck to him.......he needs it!

You hang in there.......we're here for you! :loveya: :hug:

[Beer Snob-50]

2. Moving out is the right thing to do

however you are not bailing or letting go. If you are there to give him advice when he asks for it or invite him for dinner now and then and talk to him about his problems you are doing everything a Mother should be doing.

:hug:

Good Luck MissMillie

[Mz Pip]

3. He's an adult

He's made his choices. Now it's time for him to live with the consequences. You are not bailing on him. You are taking care of yourself, as you need to.

It sounds like your son has some serious issues that need more than just your support. He would be well served to get himself to a good therapist and try to figure out why he's sabatoging himself. THis is not your fault. Shit happens to people. No way to control that, but you can control how you respond.

He needs to learn that.

Are you turning your house over to him after you move out? Maybe he should be the one to leave.

All that said, I don't think you can ever fully "let go." He's your son and you want what's best for him. That won't change. BUt he needs to learn to be a grown-up and stop behaving like a bratty 10 year old.

Mz Pip
:dem:

[MissMillie]

4. It's an apartment we rent

His Social Security has always helped to pay the rent. If I'm going to live w/o him, I need to rent a smaller and more affordable space.

[Mz Pip]

15. So he'll

have to be responsible for the rent. That's good. He'll see how loyal his friends are when he asks them to pitch in and help with expenses.

You are not "bailing." He is. He bailed on his responsibilities at school, his job, his money. A bit of projection going on there for him - accusing you of doing what he's been doing all along.

He may be in for a rocky patch but better now than later. Maybe he'll be able to change his behavior back to what it was before he decided to act like a fool. At least he does have a point of reference to what being successful and responsible looks and feels like.

Take care.

Mz Pip
:dem:

[skygazer]

5. It sounds like your kid has some major growing up to do

He thinks you're "bailing?" What's he doing?

There's one sort of revealing line in your OP - "I've been good to him, and I've been good to his friends. They never had to ask me for anything more than once."

Perhaps it may have been good for him if he HAD had to ask more than once now and then. Or if the answer had been "no" more often. Not a judgment - please don't think that. None of us like to say no or feel we are shortchanging our kids. But the truth is, the good ol' cruel world is going to say "no" plenty of times and sometimes it's better to learn that lesson at home.

You're NOT a failure. All we can do as parents is to do our best to prepare our kids for life on their own. Contrary to the myth of the perfect parent, they don't exist.

He'll be all right. But he just needs to learn how to take responsibility for himself.

How do you let go? I haven't the faintest idea - my oldest is 26, the middle 25, my youngest 19. I worry about them and think about them and wonder about their lives all the time. But I do try to keep out of them (as far as helping them) unless invited in. And when invited in, I don't try to solve their problems but to guide them through them.

Ease up on yourself. :hug:

[MissMillie]

9. saying "no"

My parents have been married for 57 years. It's a beautiful thing really because after all this time they genuinely still love to be together.

What I grew up with is the sense that you never ask anything unreasonable, and when someone makes a reasonable request, you do it. I honestly believe that this is how you treat people you love, and how you should expect people who profess to love you should treat you.

Yeah, the cold, cruel world will say "no". But home is your haven.

The problem is that in my home, it's one-sided. I treat my son the way I expect to be treated, and he doesn't respond in kind.

So, this is me putting my foot down. I'm not a doormat. Take my reasonable requests and my feelings into consideration, or do without all the things I do to make your life easier.

It's just so hard. As terrible as he is making life for himself, I know that it will be very hard for him to live w/ the consequences. It's necessary... I know. But I'm afraid for him.

[Control-Z]

16. Thank you for posting about this.

I feel very much the way you do about how people should treat the ones they love and have given my heart and soul to my children.

And I have been going through some rough times with them lately, now that they are getting older, but I've been mostly reluctant to say a whole lot about it.

I really don't know much about normal families or how a mother is supposed to react to things. My mom died when I was 7. When problems arise I usually just assume I am to blame. And it makes me feel stupid and out of the loop and ashamed.

Reading this thread has made me feel a little like a normal mom. Your reaction to your son's behavior is exactly the same as mine would be. It seems like you are doing the right thing although I don't know that I would have the courage.

I hope he learns to value you and your love for him. He will never know a love quite like it.

[seemunkee]

6. Trying to place the blame on you.

Sounds like he knows he screwed up but needs to blame someone else.
Move out and take care of yourself.
Are you still running? Could help with the stress.

[MissMillie]

10. I'm not, unfortunately

the noise at night has messed w/ my sleep, which has messed with my ability to get up and get to the gym. I aim to be back immediately after the move.

[SeattleGirl]

7. MissMillie, you have reached the "line in the sand" moment.

In my experience, and the experience of many parents I know, there comes a time when you have to say, "enough!"

I reached that point with my daughter a year or so after she got out of high school. She did something one night that was totally against my wishes, and, I felt, very disrespectful of me.

After staying up all night thinking about it (and crying), I finally realized that I could not make myself support what she had done. I love her to pieces, but I realized that I loved myself too, and there's nothing about parenting that says you have to always support your child in whatever they do.

When she came home the next day, I told her she had a choice: she could continue living with me, and abide by my wishes regarding this particular situation, or she could move out. I wasn't angry when I told her; I just explained that my wishes mattered too.

She moved out that day. About a week later, after she had been over visiting, I drove her home. We talked, and she said that she was glad I had done what I did. She agreed with me that if she thought she was adult enough to make her own decisions, she was adult enough to support herself.

It was not an easy thing to go through, but it was necessary. It helped us both let go of our roles as just mother/child, and helped us recognize each other as PEOPLE, very similar in many ways, but also very different in other ways.

She's turned out to be a lovely young woman of whom I'm very proud.

You have done a lot for your son, MissMillie, including doing your best to teach him to be the best he can be. It's not your job to make him take your advice (an impossible task). I think the best thing you can do now (in addition to moving out) is to allow him to learn the lessons he needs to learn, while also letting him know you love him.

The collective "you" does not have problems; he does. By saying you are bailing on him, he's just trying to guilt trip you into continuing to provide a safety net for him so he never has to face up to his problems, and grow up.

Letting go isn't saying, "F you, son, I don't care what happens to you." It's saying, "Son, I love you enough to step back and let you find your way."

I wish you the best, MissMillie. And as CalPeg said, we're here for you. :hug:

[China_cat]

8. Been there, done that (if not exactly the same conditions)

and found out after he was gone just how much stress I had been under, it was real easy to 'let go'. I don't ever want that much emotional upset in my life again.

And, you can love your kids but nothing says you have to like them...or put up with stuff that is upsetting to you from them. Your house, your rules. If they can't abide, then they aren't welcome.

(By the same token, you don't try to impose your rules when in their house)

[GenDem]

11. I would be no help on this.

I am an enabler, when it comes to my kids. Letting go has been a major challenge. I wish I could give you some words of wisdom, but I am selfishly listening to the responses on this thread for my own benefit.

I wish you good luck. I can tell you that you are doing the right thing, and to stay strong. He will be better for it. I will also say that you are not a huge failure. We do the best we can, and you have done everything a mother that loves her child can do.

Bless you!

:hug:

[lizziegrace]

12. Millie

you're pushing him out of the nest. Some kids grow up appreciated what they have and some take it for granted. Until he sees life on his own, he's not going to appreciate you. I know he will, eventually. Some day he won't be 19 and become the man he can be.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

13. Just let him know that you'll be there when he figures things out

And most likely he will. It's good that you're moving out; because it's tough to watch your kid fall on his ass. But that's probably what he needs to do a few times before he starts walking.

Right now, you need to focus on you. :hug::hug::hug:

[NC_Nurse]

14. You are not a failure.

He is just trying to keep you roped in. He's a big boy, he's made his own choices - and so should you. I think you will find it a HUGE
relief to be in your own place. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your kids is let them go. Then they have a chance to deal with their own lives and
consequences of their choices - without you to blame.



:hug:

[salin]

17. This sounds like you went through some excruciating pains

to come to this decision (that is *your* growing pains) - now it is time for him to begin his process of growing up. Good for you - and be good to yourself. It may take him awhile - but the kids I knew that had to get (temporarily) cut off - eventually all grew up, became very productive and now have healthy relationships with their parents. You did raise him, you did give him lessons - and while those may not be apparent at this point in time - he is still growing. I would bet that those lessons are like seeds - and have roots - and when he starts growing to take on his own responsibilities - they will begin to emerge.

Best wishes - keep strong and take care of yourself - and hopefully before too too long you will once again have a good relationship with your son - but on better and more respectful (and adult) terms.

Peace.

[woo me with science]

18. I just want to say

that I am so touched by your post and the compassion and the wisdom of the responses you have received. You sound like a good mother who is willing to do the hard thing because it is right for her son. I don't consider this move by you to be letting go at all--it is probably exactly what he needs right now, and the very best mothering you can give him, even though it is so painful. You are refusing to agree with his enacted statement that he is incapable of living and thriving as an adult. You are demonstrating confidence that he will rise to the challenge of becoming the man you gave him the tools to become. I agree with the others that, odds are, he will eventually appreciate it, and you.

[texanwitch]

19. I have been on my own since 19.

I moved to Austin after high school, totally on my own.

This was good thing.

Your son will grow up when he has to pay rent, the dentist, pay for food.

This is the best for him.

[CC]

20. Having not read through the

thread I would say...tell him you love him and always will but that he is all grown up now and it is time for him to behave like a grown up. You will always be there with love for him but that financially etc he is on his own. Then get yourself a smaller place, invite him to dinner once in a while, give him a hug, tell him you love him and send him on his way. Your job is done and for his sake he needs to learn that he has to sink or swim on his own.