How much does your SO restrict you? and how much are you ok with?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

For instance would you be ok if your SO told you not to talk to one of your friends?

how about your ex?


Also how much do you restrict you SO?

[izzybeans]

1. She doesn't.

She may not like all of my friends but I don't like some of her's. give and take I suppose.


I don't talk to my ex, so I never had to deal with that one.

I actually celebrate with glee at the rare moment when she acts jealous. And then it ends with me smirking and giggling and her in turn smirking and giggling.

There are a couple of female friends that I haven't seen in awhile that she would make sarcastic remarks about, mostly about former "friends with benefits", but that's about it. We've been very open about our past so she always has had a heads up in the "Hey I slept with that woman" department.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

3. my so knows that some of my friends have been lovers in the past

but i havent specified which ones etc

[izzybeans]

13. I think that is a great position to be in concerning friends and SO's.

It seems like when we are in big groups of friends past relationships get brought up enough that its better to be informed than unaware. That way there is no misreading a mundane conversation as something other than what it is. It is good to trust.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

2. to reply to my own thread

my so is very unrestrictive

i dont have any restrictions on her either really

and we hang out with ex from time to time. my so likes her.

[crim son]

4. The STBE restricted everything from how long I was at the

neighbor's place having coffee, to whether or not I went to a party with a friend (I did NOT) to whether I could keep the house aboe sixty degrees at night (I still cannot). Just a few reasons why the marriage is ending.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

5. sorry. sounds terrible.

:hug:

[crim son]

7. One gets used to it, that's the alarming thing.

Lately I've been forgetting why I'm leaving. The thread reminded me. :hug:

[av8rdave]

8. Sounds a lot like my first marriage

Getting out of that was one of the best things I ever did!

[crim son]

9. I'm glad it worked for you.

Me, I'm scared shitless. :)

[av8rdave]

14. I'm so sorry to hear that, and hope it gets resolved for you!

[av8rdave]

6. Mine doesn't restrict me at all

She knows that would be a mistake. However, I restrict myself on a lot of things out of respect for her.

[mondo joe]

10. My partner (of 17 years) and I generally are on the same page so there's not

much restricting to be had.

If there were some issue it wouldn't take the form of "telling" each other what to do. It would be more like creating a "safe" space in which to raise an issue and hear each other out. So while neither would tell each other to not talk to a friend, we might negotiate some terms about how and when things would happen.

After 17 years we've been around most of our issues enough times to know them well. Also, having kids means our biggest priorities have more to do with home and family, and a lot of those decisions are prescribed.

[philosophie_en_rose]

11. SO should not tell anyone what to do.

I think it's important for partners to express their feelings. It's okay for someone not to like one of their partner's friends or activities. You don't have to do everything together. And, if something is that intrusive, it's okay to break it off because you're not compatible.

But it is not okay for SOs to tell each other what to do, as if the other partner is a child. A partner can say that she doesn't like a friend, but I think it's completely unreasonable for he or she to "tell" the other what to do.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

12. ...

:thumbsup:

[LynzM]

33. I agree...

Negotiation about what each person is comfortable with, and some give-and-take based on that, is normal and healthy. Ordering around? Not ok, in my book. I believe that partners should be equals and peers, not one the boss, or the parent.

[Madrone]

15. Not at ALL.

I don't believe in restricting someone you love - I won't tolerate it if it's done to me, and I won't do it to another person.

If I can't trust someone I won't be with them, and I don't want to be with someone that doesn't trust me either.

[IdaBriggs]

16. Generally speaking, neither of us do. There are some issues on occasion --

with strip clubs having become a "deal breaker" issue about eight years or so back. Initially I hadn't minded the "occasional" trip to the strip joint on a "special" occasion (bachelor party, etc.) but it wasn't an "abused" thing, and my love isn't/wasn't really "into" them. Then, one of his bosses (who was also a good friend) got into them, and it started becoming a regular weekly/bi-weekly occurrence. The excuse of "its not costing anything" wasn't flying when my love started "knowing the strippers by name" which turned a situation that was becoming uncomfortable into intolerable. We ended up in a huge fight about it, that ended when I stopped fighting: I explained that I hadn't grown up in a house where my father hung out at strip clubs, and I wasn't going to be married to a man who thought regular visits were okay. His choice was to quit going, or get a divorce. I was called "controlling" and I politely pointed out that he (my husband/best friend/love of my life) had a pretty darn good life, and this "cruel restriction" was a fairly reasonable one -- how would he like it if I hung out at strip clubs with male genitalia being waved in front of me? (Don't even get me started on how hostile I was getting to lap dances!) I asked him if HIS father had done this type of thing, and my husband backed off. His boss/buddy told him he was whipped, and my husband told him he was right -- its just one more example of what an Evil Bitch I can be! My love is convinced its slowed down his career advancement, but its something I can live with; him getting to know "Candy" and "Amber" better isn't!

Oh, and I've also ended up "restricting his social life" -- he's a gamer, and we had to negotiate how much was enough to meet his needs, and how much was too much for his wife to handle. (Please keep in mind that my beloved could very easily start gaming Friday night, and not stop until he collapses into bed late Sunday evening, and do this three out of four weekends a month!) Since I married him because I actually want to spend time with him (!), and I'm not into gaming, we've eventually arrived at "he can game two out of three weekends for one day/night." Every few months he starts pushing the envelope, and we have another "discussion" about it, but in general, we're okay.

The big thing ten years of marriage/five years of courtship have taught me is the value of communication and compromise. Part of that involves knowing what is really important to you, and what isn't that big of a deal. Him coming home with stripper smell all over him from a young girl rubbing her breasts on his face was a deal breaker for me, while me saying "no more gaming ever!" would mean divorce court for him! (As I said, strip clubs initially hadn't been a problem once a year or so, but after it was abused, it became a "hot button issue!")

We've had some fights over a couple of his friends, and some of those were doozies; I'm definitely the more judgmental of the two of us. I'm the one who said "I will not socialize with a man and his mistress," which caused a scandal in our social world (which frankly still shocks me -- this seems like such a no brainer in the "wrong" department!), and after the wife found out, divorced Cheating Hubbies butt, I refused to go to the wedding where he made his mistress his "new wife"; my husband went to that one alone. I believe I spoke to the woman one time in the four or five years the marriage lasted, and she's now moved on to greener pastures. We don't see much of Cheating Hubby, who is pretty much a Loser who has also ruined his three children's lives. My husband still considers him a friend because of the history, but since Cheating Hubby and I don't get along, neither of us seeks out the other for socializing (and Cheating Hubby is embarrassed to tell his old friend what is going on in his life, since it just keeps getting worse). One of my oldest friends is also a Loser due to her poor marriage to a Chronically Unemployed Bush Lover, and we commiserate on how painful it is to watch people we love make decisions that completely screw up their lives. Sigh. But frankly, neither of us "actively" restricts the other's friendships -- its more "subtle" than that!

I'm long winded today! I'll stop now! :)

[La Lioness Priyanka]

17. i think the stripper restriction and "you cant be gone 3 weekends in a month"

are very legitimate.

i would be VERY upset if Rockit spent any time in a strip club. BAH!

[IdaBriggs]

22. I agree! Of course, it pushed some of his "control" buttons, too,

and we had to work through things (which wasn't easy for either of us). Fortunately we are both "reasonable" people (although we have our days! LOL!) who are very committed to our relationship. I told him early on that I am not the type to "suffer in silence" and he has picked up that trait from me and doesn't either! There is a lot of mutual respect in our relationship; he's a good man!

[ThomCat]

18. My SO doesn't restrict me at all

and I don't restrict her.

If I dated someone who started being restrictive we'd definitely have a confrontation over it and I'd probably walk away from that relationship.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

19. how are things going with your SO?

:hi:

I started a rumor about you in my rumor thread

[ThomCat]

21. Pretty well.

She's coming down for a long weekend in two weeks. Long distance is tough.

[Deep13]

20. We have a duocracy. We do what we want.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

23. We don't restrict each other.

We're monogamous, but neither of us consider that a restriction. We love each other, so monogamy comes naturally with that.

[LostinVA]

35. Exactly -- self respect and respect for the person you love isn't a restriction

*pinches cheeks*

[Critters2]

24. My experience in counseling couples tells me

these kinds of restrictions are the first step to more serious abuse. Any SO who wanted to stay my SO wouldn't try this with me.

[kwassa]

25. Great advice. There can be no such restrictions.

I gave up a whole set of friends for one relationship. I was young and foolish. Should have kept the friends and dumped the relationship.

Such restrictions are a giant red flag now.

[Critters2]

37. They certainly should be a red flag

I would counsel a person to end a relationship TOUTE DE SUITE if an SO started to make such restrictions--no negotiating, no further counseling, END THE RELATIONSHIP.

[NewWaveChick1981]

26. I have never restricted anyone I've dated or been in a relationship with.

My ex never restricted me from activities, but he tried to control certain things about my appearance. It didn't work, though.

My husband has always tried to control my activities, but I have NEVER allowed him to do that. The more he tries, the more I fight back. That's one of the points of contention in our marriage right now.

[LadyoftheRabbits]

27. Not at all...

We're very open with one another, and I feel a level of self-respect and happiness I never had in other relationships. :)

[ZombieNixon]

29. ...

:loveya:

[LadyoftheRabbits]

30. Good morning, baby...

:P

:loveya:

[ZombieNixon]

31. Oops, cache autofill bit me in the ass.

x( :P

[LadyoftheRabbits]

32. *snorts*

Yeah, I figured that... it happens to me, too. :P

:*

[BarenakedLady]

28. Not at all.

He's not my father. I do what I want.

He can do whatever he wants. I don't care.

[LostinVA]

34. I think a better word to use would be "controls," not "restrictions"

Because, every healthy relationship has some type of boundaries, and should. Is the relationship monogamous? If so, then that's technically a restriction aka a limitation. Respectful boundaries in ANY relationship, be it work, partner, children, friends, are a good and necessary thing. Controls, however, are not.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

36. i wanted to hear about both healthy and unhealthy restrictions.

[LostinVA]

38. Sorry for the confusion -- the OP didn't read like that to me

[Madspirit]

39. Only Monogamy

We have been together for 15 years....lesbians. We both want monogamy so I guess that's not really a restriction.

She wants me sober, which I have been for 15 years, so I guess that's a restriction. ...but not a bad one. She just made it clear she wouldn't be with a frakking drunk. I made the choice.
Madspirit

[La Lioness Priyanka]

40. both sound like healthy restrictions.

well monogamy is not so much a restriction as a choice two people make or dont.

[Madspirit]

41. PS

..and we are friends with several of her exes. I am not friends with any of mine. I trust her, so it's not an issue.
Madspirit

[La Lioness Priyanka]

42. i dont think Rockit is friends with her ex's

but i am friends with mine and a few casual lovers.

[AlCzervik]

43. one restriction by me to someone my husband used to work with-

ok here it goes, maybe i was out of line but my husband is away a lot, like 200 days of the year so when he's home i would like him to spend his time with my daughter and i, anyhow he worked with this woman, at one time their jobs intersected but not anymore ok? So she used to call all the time, she loves to gossip and bitch and so forth, fine during the week but not okay when he's home and has to leave his cell phone on, when she calls on the weekend he doesn't answer it. About six months ago he's in the shower on a saturday morning and his cell phone is ringing and i see her name pop up so i answer it and i could tell from her voice she didn't what the hell to say "Oh i must have the wrong number" "No Jan you don't and i know you don't work in the same area anymore and really have no reason to call him unless it's to gossip or flirt so Jan from now on you don't call him anymore between friday night and Sunday night, ok? " "Oh.... well i just needed to tell him something" "Well you can tell me and i'll relay the message or you can just tell him yourself on Monday after he's done spending the precious little time he has at home with our daughter" Now at this point she's stammering and my husband comes out of the shower and he can hear me, i tell him "It's your former coworker Jan, apparently something pressing has come up at work that has nothing to do with you, would you like to speak with her?" "No thanks hon" So then Jan proceeds to tell me she isn't trying to flirt with my husband and honestly i don't give a shit if she is, she didn't understand why i told her not to call, "It's not about the flirting Jan, it's about the time, my time and my daughters time that you are taking so no more calls from you on the weekends, no go tend to your new baby and pay some attention to your own husband--dig?"

Anyhow my husband and i have talked about this before, i thought maybe he's be slightly pissed that i said what i said to her but he wasn't, she never calls him anymore, at work or at home.

[idgiehkt]

54. kick some ass girlfriend

good story. I like it.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

70. You told her good.

[NJCher]

44. I haven't read any responses

And I am going to hide this thread, per my ability to do so.

The very question is insulting.



Cher

[La Lioness Priyanka]

46. cya.

[Madspirit]

47. Huh?

Hide the thread?! Overly much. I not only do not think this thread is offensive, I think it is important. These are real issues for real people and a way for people to talk about things that trouble them. Sorry Real Life Issues with Real People offend you.
Buh bye.
Madspirit

[La Lioness Priyanka]

49. why thank you madspirit.

i thought it was a pretty inoffensive thread.

[Madspirit]

50. Some People

...look for reasons to be offended, I guess. <g>
Madspirit

[idgiehkt]

56. seconded.

I know the lounge is supposed to be a goofy place to hang out but the truth is I much prefer these kind of threads to silly threads. I wanna talk about ishoooos, not shoes.

[SeattleGirl]

45. We haven't done that to each other, with one exception.

There was a woman who was part of our group of friends. Over time, she started acting in a way that pissed both me and another woman off -- she was always making thinly veiled catty remarks to and about me and the other woman, and making excuses to my SO and my friend's SO to get them away somewhere. They didn't realize what was going on, because they'd been friends with her for a long time.

My friend and I finally told our SO's to cut it out, and quit falling for her shit. I didn't care that they were friends with her; both guys have always had female friends, so no big deal. But this woman was increasingly becoming a troublemaker, and it was getting really annoying.

Other than that, I've never said, "You can't talk to that woman, you can't be friends with her." Never put any other kind of restriction on him either.

[pdx_prog]

48. Mine doesn't restrict me at all...

When it comes to anything outside of money and health. Luckily she loves making all of the financial decisions and I am more than happy to let her handle all of it.

She gets depression from time to time and goes into her "I'm not attractive" mode. Sex comes to a screeching halt when that happens. She's always trying to get me to find "satisfaction" with other women and I don't think that is right.

She is into women some and we have had the ocassional guest girlfriend but it's not something I want to pursue on my own by any means.

As far as friends and hobbies she encourages me to do things outside of home.

[youthere]

51. 1. Not at all and 2.Not at all.

He does his thing, I do mine. Never has he "told" that I could or could not do something and I have done the same for him.
Neither one of us could imagine it any other way...nor would we tolerate it.

[Jimbo S]

52. No restrictions at all

Only one I can think of, she didn't want me to invite an ex-gf to our wedding and I complied.

[RedStateShame]

53. She only restricts me when the chain starts choking me.

[idgiehkt]

55. I've never been successful with this

I had one boyfriend who had a friend who liked to use the 'c' word a lot and I forbade him in my house (I paid the rent) but it wasn't respected. I've had girlfriends whose friends were constantly auditioning to become more than friends (I'm sure you've been there) and causing all manner of trouble, but I still couldn't get respect for the boundaries of my relationship even in those circumstances. I think that you need to start with a person who is capable of respecting boundaries to begin with. Yeah, that's it...maybe I'll try it. :)

[redqueen]

57. my soon to be ex SO restricts me to an unreasonable degree

i restrict him to the extent that i'd rather he didn't leave the shower curtain open after he showers... shit like that

[Left Is Write]

58. He doesn't restrict me, nor I him. We don't have any need to.

[jgraz]

59. Mine generally prefers that I don't sleep with other people

Other than that, she's pretty cool.

[trof]

60. You have GOT to be kidding.

RESTRICT your SO?
Never happen, never will, and never should.
Do you let someone TELL you what to do?
Do you TELL someone what to do?
Get real.
No way.
Not as long as you're grownups.

[NNadir]

61. Not at all. Neither do I attempt to restrict her.

We are best friends and complete equals who trust one another implicitly.

[Shell Beau]

62. There are no restrictions.

I kind of find that unhealthy. There are boundaries that we have set for ourselves. My husband would never tell me what to do. Trust is the number one thing that holds us together besides our love. I could never be with someone who didn't trust me 100%!

[Dastard Stepchild]

63. No restrictions, but...

he doesn't like it when I do things socially one-on-one with males. It's all him - he's a tad insecure that I might up and run away with another fella, even after all these years. Since I'm really not all that social, and since most of my outings with guys are business/work-related, it's not much of an issue at all.

I also have an ex-husband, and he is uncomfortable with the idea of me having any kind of a relationship with him. I actually don't find that problematic, since I don't want a relationship with him either. But if said ex was someone that I really and truly wanted in my life, current husband and I would have probably had words.

I've never had a problem with the idea of men and women being friends because I am 100% comfortable telling people to bugger off if they want to have sex with me and I don't. He seems to think I will somehow go weak in the knees around an offer. I resign myself to a hearty dose of consciousness-raising when that impression is rolled my way. Of course, if a woman pinned me down on the bed, he'd yell at me for not having a video camera ready. :eyes:

:)

[flvegan]

67. I'd yell at you too.

(the whole woman-pinning-you-down thing)














What?

[Dastard Stepchild]

68. lol...

Since I am bi and it could theoretically happen, I think he is just patiently biding his time for that glorious day. It's almost like it's perpetually Christmas Eve for him, and one day he's gonna get the most awesome present evah!

:)

[Dean Martin]

64. ????????????

I wouldn't think of it, and neither does she.

[WindRavenX]

65. no restrictions

We're commited monogomous couple, though. So no cheating.

[Evoman]

66. We don't....and neither of us is overly jealous. The only restriction we have is: don't fuck other

people.

I don't restrict her, and trust her enough. I'm not an idiot though...I realize that every single person who has ever been cheated on has thought, "I trust him/her..she/he won't cheat on me". My philosphy...I can't stop her from cheating, and showing insecurity makes it ever more likely that she will. If she cheats on me, and I find out, I throw her ass out/move out. No explanations, no excuses, no second chances.

Nobody fucks with me. If they do, they are out of my life. I don't need the hassle.

[jpgray]

69. I don't have any restrictions for her, and hers for me fall in with how I behave anyway

So no friction there.