New Rules

[Seabiscuit]

I don't know how new or old this is, but I just received it via e-mail from a relative:

NEW RULES

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1". On purpose.

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don ' t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


N.B.: In fairness to the fairer sex, the only "New Rule" I've ever been tempted to articulate with any of the women in my life is #1. :evilgrin:

[Haole Girl]

1. I swear to God my lip twitched after just reading #1

:eyes:

[tigereye]

2. well, a few do seem to be true

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

[wildhorses]

3. and the number 1 rule...

if you want us to dress like victoria secret models then start working on that round shape:eyes::P:

[Seabiscuit]

18. Bear in mind, some of us men have never been to either

Victoria's Secret or Frederick's of Hollywood and wouldn't know the difference if we had.

[youthere]

4. And just for balance...RULES FOR MEN:

A Woman's 50 Rules for Men

1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

8. Here are a few that swing both ways:

1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names. This goes doubly for women! So many times, the female part of the relationship will expect something nice and do little or nothing in return. This door swings both ways!
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses. I don't know why this is acceptable for either party.


And this one I flat out dispute:
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls. No. Guys' night is guys' night because you need time with your friends every now and again. I don't impinge on ladies' night.

[Seabiscuit]

10. No wonder someone came up with the New Rules (men's rules)

Some of the rules imposed by women are downright MEAN and DEMEANING!

And I would posit than any man obeying some of those rules is by definition already "whipped".

[RedStateShame]

5. New Rule: Somebody owes Bill Maher a check.

A different title would have killed somebody?

[Seabiscuit]

6. You were expecting a thread about Bill Maher?

[RedStateShame]

7. Maybe. "New Rules" was a term coined on Real Time.

Now, I could be wrong as all get-out, but that was where I first heard it used in any mass media outlet, anyhoo.

[Seabiscuit]

13. True for mass media outlets, but it's a phrase as old as the hills.

For instance, CBS has had a program for a few years now called "Wife Swap" - two families exchange wives for a week. During the first week the visiting wife must follow the "House Rules" drawn up by the family wife. At midweek, the visiting wife draws up her own "New Rules" for the family she's visiting, who must follow them.

If Bill Maher had some kind of copyright or patent rights on the phrase "New Rules", surely he would have sued CBS by now, and we all would have heard about it.

I think subconciously I entitled the thread "New Rules" as an attention-getter, due to the notoriety Bill Maher has brought to that phrase.

[Solon]

9. THIS ONE definately applies to ME!

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

Though I would reduce the number of colors, we know Red, Yellow, Green, Blue, Purple, Brown, Pink, in addition to White and Black. That's 9.

This drives all the women I know up the wall, when they ask for advice on anything color related, I'm literally lost, I have no clue, Aqua is Blue to me, I don't even know where mauve fits on the whole color chart, hell, I don't even know what "off-white" means.

ON EDIT: OK we know 10 colors, forgot gray.

[Seabiscuit]

12. Indeed - beware a woman bearing color charts!

[Seabiscuit]

16. What happened to Orange?

[Solon]

19. OK, 11 colors...

Though I say Orange is a fruit dammit! :)

[ghostsofgiants]

11. One rule that applies to everyone...

Fuck off with your stupid childish rules and games and give respect and honesty a try.

Mind you this is from a guy who is chronically single, so take it with however many grains of salt as you wish.

[Seabiscuit]

14. If chronically single, you obviously haven't been bitten by the toilet seat

rule yet that so many women enforce once they move in with you. :0)~

IMHO, there's only one rule for both sexes: The Golden Rule.

[ghostsofgiants]

21. Okay, I have lived with females, so that one is okay.

[ScreamingMeemie]

15. Yaaaay!

:loveya:

[nickgutierrez]

20. What he said. n/t

[idgiehkt]

17. "round is a shape".

those are cute.

:rofl: