Monogamy: does it come naturally to you?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

or is it something you have had to work towards achieving?

[SeattleGirl]

1. It comes pretty naturally for me.

Not saying I've never been tempted, but I don't have to work at being monogamous.

[Zavulon]

2. Naturally.

If I don't like a girl enough to be faithful to, why would I stay with her?

[SoyCat]

3. Yes. There is only enough of me and my time for just my husband. Anyone else and I'd be worn out

all the time. I know it's the same way with him.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

55. lol ...thats cute.

[FedUpWithIt All]

4. It is natural to me when i am content and valued in a relationship.

:hi:

[idgiehkt]

5. unfortunately

I'm beginning to think of it as a character flaw. I am open to having some kind of poly arrangement in the future but what I am finding out is that people seem to be much more comfortable with deception and the *appearance* of monogamy to than polyamory or open relationships.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

12. i dont think its a moral flaw.

i also think that you are a lovely person.

[idgiehkt]

16. thanks lioness

I feel the same way about you.

It's an educational process, what can I say.

[FedUpWithIt All]

13. I agree

i have been wishing a poly arrangement were more viable in my circumstances.

I just value different people for different things. I can deeply love more than one person and am finding that the older i get the more torn i am by the multi facets of my own personality and the need to express them with others. Sadly, i just have a real problem finding one person with more compatible the not. Being single i am fortunate that i have the option of hanging out with different people to share different aspects. Problem is that single is a lonely place to be and makes it difficult to cross a certain threshold of emotional intimacy. : /

[idgiehkt]

17. single?

uh-oh. :hug:

I am not so lonely...the loneliest I have ever been is with an addicted S.O.; that was some soul-crushing loneliness. I think it is harder to be in whatever kind of relationship and have expectations that are not met. I do much, much better when I have absolutely zero.

[FedUpWithIt All]

21. Yep. Long story.

:hug:

Little thing but enough. ;)

Thanks for the hug.

[ContraBass Black]

6. Yes.

Once I choose a person, I cease noticing other possibilities altogether.

[Courtesy Flush]

10. That's hard to believe

Or maybe it's laudible. I'm not sure. But I have had sex with only one woman for the last 26 years, and I don't even flirt. Still, I notice other women. I'm not dead, after all.

[ContraBass Black]

11. It probably would be laudible if I were to choose better.

[idgiehkt]

18. I am the same

And it is NOT healthy for my relationships in which my partner is more flirtatious. In the past it has done nothing but spoil them. So I guess I need to either try to look for people who are not flirtatious, or someone needs to teach my ass how to flirt. Because when I am with someone, I don't even think about it.

[ContraBass Black]

48. I'm looking more at not committing myself to people that I know I can't trust

As a solution to that problem.

[bertha katzenengel]

7. natural eom

[lildreamer316]

8. NOW it does.

I know this is corny as all hell; but it seems to be because I am with the "right" person. As a Leo (so I'm sure you understand a bit!) I need to feel certain amounts of attention and that I am desired and found attractive above all others by my mate. He does this wonderfully and naturally; and I couldn't be more content. With my other relationships; even my other engagement; I cheated (up until a certain point where I learned better) because I knew I was missing something; but could not figure out what it was. For awhile I was convinced I needed a poly relationship because I just couldn't stay faithful. What a suprise that I have no problem doing so now!
Sure does make me feel better about myself; that's for sure. I don't miss that self-loathing one bit. But, I never got a chance to try the open relationship for real; or a serious poly relationship; where everyone knew what the rules were. (the fiance I cheated on "did it first!"; and with men; which I did not know he was bi for quite awhile; so we never got to get the right situation going).

[NewWaveChick1981]

9. I used to think it was. But I have to work at it.

I think my original ideas about monogamy were fueled by insecurity. I'm a lot more mature now and know what I want and what I don't want. In my case, monogamy is a choice, not an orientation. And sometimes I regret that choice. ;)

[ghostsofgiants]

14. Celibacy is what comes naturally to me...

Dammit. :P (x( Haha.)

[Redstone]

15. Yes, except for one specific type of exception.

Redstone

[La Lioness Priyanka]

what exception?

[Redstone]

22. Check your PM.

I think you already know.

Redstone

[bicentennial_baby]

25. Quel exception?

PM me as well, you... :D

[Redstone]

30. Done.

Redstone

[La Lioness Priyanka]

19. what exception?

[mainegreen]

65. For some reason your post immediately made me think of some elaborate Poe type scenario:

i.e. Some evil doctor cackling and rubbing his hands as he explained that the only way to save you children and the new puppy from the slowly descending pendulum of doom is to make love to his nurse and partner in crime the evil Brunhilda, as the poor doctor has alas been rendered infertile by his diabolical experiments!

:rofl:

I think it was your choice of words: "specific type of exception" so of course I imagined some absurdly concocted scenario.

I don't want to know what your real scenario is, as I prefer to imagine this is it.

:P

[Redstone]

74. Damn, you figured it out!

Redstone

[6000eliot]

20. No, it doesn't.

The problem is I want it to come naturally to my partner.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

57. lol. i have often felt the same way.

[bicentennial_baby]

23. No, which is why I'm polyamorous

Cheating is for fucking losers, imho

[Xipe Totec]

24. If bigamy is two, and monogamy is one,

is nullogamy none? :shrug:

[SKKY]

26. Of course not. Is this still open for discussion?

I thought it was decided a long time ago that monogamy was decidedly unnatural.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

27. i dont think human nature is so cut and dry. i think some people are naturally monogamous

[Xipe Totec]

28. I think males are naturally anygamous

and we're lucky if we get to one.







:hide:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

49. funny.. thats a good word...anygamous..

[Schema Thing]

29. Fortunately, hypocrisy is even less natural for me

I'm a man, my nature is to gift my seed to every lovely progressive woman alive, and give what's left to a few choice republican women.

However, my nature is also to have all those women be monogamous with me, so something has to give.:D


So, I go with mutual monogamy. It's work, but it's doable.

As a few others have mentioned in the thread, a poly arrangement is theoretically ok with me, but I can't honestly say that I could live it for sure? It seems few are able to; but is that because so few try, and cultural expectations are ingrained so deep?

[jrandom421]

31. Very naturally!

After having faced over 30 years of unrelenting, emphatic and unequivocal rejection by the opposite sex, the fact that my wife loves me for me, makes it too easy for me to be monogamous with her. And her dealings with manipulative, obsessive, control freak asshole ex-husbands has made it easy for her to be monogamous with me.

[liontamer]

32. Yes.

Happy Holidays!

[La Lioness Priyanka]

33. to you too. also this wednesday i actually can go out.

since i dont have to work early thursday..want to hang out?

[tigereye]

34. yes, esp. if you are married

and if you sowed your "wild oats" prior to meeting your life partner...


I think you have to understand your commitment, and know that the respect and love you have for your partner is what makes monogamy the right thing. And no, I don't think it is hard if that is what you have decided.

[Shell Beau]

35. Very natural for me or I wouldn't be married!

[mark414]

36. hell no...which is why i don't even try

no sense in dragging people around when i am admittedly terrified of commitment

[idgiehkt]

39. you rock

that kind of honesty is a lot rarer than you would think.

:loveya:

[RetroLounge]

37. It did for 12 years...

Now, once trust has been violated, I find it harder to keep my end of the bargain...

RL

[La Lioness Priyanka]

54. once trust is broken..its very hard to convince yourself to remain faithful

[Guava Jelly]

38. I cant lie I have my Hugh Hefner fantasy's

But all in all I'd just like to find a person that is descent, smart, and loves me above all others

[caty]

40. If you love and respect your SO,

it's easy to be monogamous. :shrug:

[calimary]

82. True. Plus, it sure makes life a LOT less complicated.

[bigwillq]

41. I have to work on it.

I like the excitement of new experiences, meeting new people....etc...etc...sometimes that prevents me from being monogamous.

[ganeshji]

53. That's exactly how I feel.

New is almost always exciting to me.

[bigwillq]

56. But it can get you into trouble

:evilgrin:

[LostinVA]

42. When you love the person, monogamy comes naturally n/t

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

44. I agree. nt

[LostinVA]

46. I know you do n/t

[La Lioness Priyanka]

45. not for everyone...people in polyamorous relationships love each too

or i would think that they do..

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

47. Yes, but they still have a true commitment to each other.

Bi_baby will agree with me.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

52. according to bibaby she is not monogamous...look upthread..

which is not saying monogamy is better/worse than polygamy...

to add, i also know swingers, who love and respect their primary partners...

non-monogamous people can love...their arrangements may just be different.

that was my whole point.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

64. Look downthread. She agrees with me. Sorry, Pri. nt

[bicentennial_baby]

66. errr...

"i also know swingers, who love and respect their primary partners"

yes, but swingers are inherently *not* about* love, but sex...

[La Lioness Priyanka]

70. i know swingers are different from polys....and i am not saying they are the same

just that non monogamy can also be loving.

[bicentennial_baby]

62. Indeed

but, we're not like every Poly relationship... :D

thank you :loveya:

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

63. No problem. nt

[LostinVA]

51. A Polygamous relationship IS a monogamous relationship

People misunderstand these relationships so mich.

[bicentennial_baby]

59. Erm, not always....

Just saying....Sometimes it's much looser than that. But generally, yes. There are both 'open' and 'closed' Poly relationships. Mine is the latter, but many are the former. It's not always monogamous though, and sometimes people's definition of 'poly' isn't exactly the "norm" (aka i just sleep around and call it 'poly')...

:)

[La Lioness Priyanka]

61. yeah thats what i thought...because i know people with different poly arrangements

some of whom are closed within their relationships.

some who have primary partners but have sexual relationships with others etc.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

43. i love replying to my own thread...so though i have never wanted to be monogamous

i think with my new gf, i really dont think i have ever met someone i think is in any way more attractive..and not just physically..i mean all around

makes the whole monogamy thing easier

also its possible that i am just older now..

who knows...

[SPKrazy]

50. No, It Is Hard Work!

I don't know if it is a natural state for me, but it has never been something that seemed to be a natural state, but rather something that had to be worked towards.

:shrug:

and I feel I've done that, although...

[hunter]

58. I'm very monogamous.

It could come naturally to me, since my parents are very monogamous.

I'll return flirts because it's polite (and fun too!) but the boundries are very solid, and no work to achieve.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

60. i do think that this does come from parents...

most people i know who say they are naturally monogamous also have monogamous parents..

[bicentennial_baby]

67. i have monogamous parents and i'm poly...

my parents have been married for almost 35 years...there goes your theory... :)

[xchrom]

68. oh god no -- and i don't do monogamy.

it's not that i don't fall very much in love with some one -- but i don't want to be all things sexuall to some one -- and the reverse is true.

more -- i'm not jealous. -- when i was younger i was -- but one day it ocurred to me -- it's their body -- but my emotions.

my partners can't use their bodies to cause me any emotional discomfort.

now they can be too trashy for words -- and that can be cause for dismissal.
in case the question ws trying to get at where do the boundaries lie.

oh yeah -- one other thing -- i am not poly-amorous.

[cwydro]

69. No. Sadly, I have fallen short on that.

Single now...and perhaps I should stay that way. I kind of like it.

[Chico Man]

71. Totally unnatural to me

Maybe it's just me.. That's all I'll say about it at the moment =)

[momophile]

72. naturally.

the only other person I've even flirted with slightly since getting married is RetroLounge in his flirting thread tonight.
:D

[Zookeeper]

73. It's natural to me when I take a relationship seriously. n/t

[crim son]

75. Before I was married I considered myself free to do what I wanted.

After I married I was completely monogamous for seventeen crappy years. Then I fell completely in love and made a mistake I will never repeat.

I think that if you cannot stay monogamous then maybe committment is not for you. IMHO.

[SPKrazy]

76. Or Perhaps It Is Impossible To Remain Monogamous

in a crappy situation?

or at least unrealistic

JMO:shrug:

[crim son]

77. Many people stay monogamous in a crappy situation.

I had never looked outside the marriage to solve its problems and falling for this man was utterly unexpected and devastating for more reasons than I can readily list. He was terribly unattractive, for one! I have come to the conclusion that he came into my life for a reason and though it has caused me great sorrow it was probably unavoidable. This is not to say I don't blame myself; I do.

[SPKrazy]

85. I Know You Do

and I won't ask you to separate yourself from the reality that you feel

I'm just saying that while lots of people stay monogamous in crappy situations, lots don't

it's not something I'm trying to interject as a debating point, rather an observation

I have not done right by my situation in many ways. I blame myself for a lot of problems there for sure.

That is not to say that I'm solely responsible for whatever problems have come about, I'm not.

I guess my point really was to say that while you may blame yourself, you are not in a unique situation and you are very human like the rest of us!

Nothing more and nothing less, just human. And in my opinion what seems to be a pretty good one.


:hug: :hug:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

78. Naturally for me

If I'm in love, no one else looks particularly interesting to me.

[WindRavenX]

79. for me, it's natural

But I realize for others, it may not. The key is knowing yourself and not trying to be someone you aren't-- I'm lucky that I'm with someone who feels the same way.

[wildhorses]

80. naturally--it is my nature

loyal to a fault actually--and even when they don't deserve it...

but, i am learning

[Writer]

81. After six years of marriage, and being faithful in many (not all) respects...

NO. MARRIAGE IS UNNATURAL.

[NewWaveChick1981]

84. I must agree.

I've been married for fourteen years, and I feel the same way.

[lukasahero]

83. Yes - never could even date more than one guy at a time. eom