WORST Christmas movies and TV specials!

[Archae]

From a Dayton newspaper:

The worst Christmas specials and TV movies ever

Dreck the halls with forgettable holiday movie and television fare ... fa la la la la, la la la la.
By Dave Larsen

Staff Writer

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

You know Charlie and Snoopy and Linus and Lucy, Rudolph and Ralphie and Frosty and Grinchy.

But do you recall the most horrible holiday films of all?

Not every Christmas movie or television special becomes an enduring classic, destined for annual repeats and holiday marathons.

In fact, many of these ill-fated attempts at Christmas cheer aren't even available on DVD. They've been forgotten like misfit toys, and justly so.

Here are our picks for the 10 worst Christmas movies and TV specials. Beware — they're pure jingle hell.


'Santa Claus Conquers the Martians'

The Citizen Kane of bad Christmas films, this bizarre 1964 sci-fi fantasy finds Santa Claus being kidnapped by Martians to bring cheer to the children of Mars. One of the Martian kids was portrayed by a 10-year-old Pia Zadora, who "never got much taller," according to the wisecracking crew of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Available on DVD, the MST3K version is a hilarious rip on the awful, low-budget film. "What is it?" shrieks an Earth girl being pursued at the North Pole by a Martian robot. "It's a guy in a cardboard box with a coffee urn on his head," replies MST3K's Joel Robinson.

'The Star Wars Holiday Special'

If you thought Jar Jar Binks was bad, check out this 1978 CBS holiday special spinoff of the original Star Wars film. Better yet, don't. "This is some of the most painful television ever created," said a review on the Web site, Oh, the Humanity! Most notable for introducing the cult character Boba Fett, this special featured the film's cast, plus such guest stars as Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur. Carrie Fisher, deep into her hard-partying days, sang a "Life Day" carol based on the Star Wars theme. "If this isn't an argument for getting people off drugs, I don't know what is," the reviewer wrote. Bootleg clips can be found online at YouTube.com.

'Babes in Toyland'

The oft-filmed Victor Herbert operetta was translated to Cincinnati in this 1986 TV movie musical that starred Drew Barrymore, Keanu Reeves and Pat Morita. It featured "jaw-droppingly awful musical numbers," according to eFilmCritic.com's Collin Souter. Barrymore, who was drinking and doing drugs by age 12, played a little girl who bumps her head and wakes up in Toyland on Christmas Eve. "Historically interesting," Souter wrote, "if only to gaze into Barrymore's drug-addled, bloodshot eyes or to watch Keanu drive around in a pink, flowery go-cart ... before singing about the joys of Ohio."

'Christmas Comes to Pac-Land'

This 1982 cartoon special starring Pac-Man and his family was a crass attempt to cash in on the video-game craze. It was named the second worst holiday programming ever, after the Star Wars fiasco, in Television Without Pity's 752 Things We Love to Hate (and Hate to Love) About TV. "This holiday special's across-the-board suckitude remains seared into our memories like a brand," the authors wrote. Trying to capitalize on Pac-Man fever is one thing, they noted, but not when the poorly animated characters look nothing like the original. "How hard is it to animate a circle with a pie piece cut out of it?"

'Jack Frost'

Michael Keaton, as a mediocre blues singer who neglects his son, is killed in a car crash on Christmas Eve. How's that for a cheery premise? But wait, it gets better. Keaton's character, named Jack Frost, is reincarnated a year later as his son Charlie's snowman. He attempts to make up for lost time with Charlie, which allows the makers of this 1998 slushball to shovel on the sentiment. However, he also has to contend with the whole melting thing. "OK, I'm back, but why a snowman?" Keaton asks. "Is it the name Jack Frost? Because that's not even clever, that's cheesy." You said it, Jack.

'Silent Night, Deadly Night'

Forget the lump of coal. Naughty people get punished by an ax-wielding psycho wearing a Santa suit in this controversial 1984 slasher film, which prompted protests at theaters where it was shown. Heavy on bloodshed and gratuitous nudity, it was a box-office success and spawned four sequels. The story follows a young boy named Billy, who is fearful of Santa's wrath. As an adult, Billy deals with his issues by donning a red suit and chanting "Naughty! Punish!" as he dispatches sexually active teens. "What's next?" asked film critic Leonard Maltin. "The Easter Bunny as a child molester?"

'Surviving Christmas'

A contemporary stab at the worst Christmas movie of all time, this 2004 comedy starred Ben Affleck as a spoiled millionaire who hires a suburban Chicago clan to be his family at Christmas time. Ben forces the likes of Tony Soprano (James Gandolfini) to wear a Santa hat — but sadly, he doesn't get whacked. "So dreadful, Fox released it theatrically in October just so they could put it out of its misery by releasing it on video the following December," said eFilmCritic's Souter.

'Eight Crazy Nights'

Adam Sandler's 2002 animated gross-out musical-comedy celebrates the Festival of Lights, whose candles should have been used to torch the master print. Sandler provides the voice of Davey Stone, a drunk who is ordered by a judge to spend the holiday performing community service as the assistant referee for a youth basketball league. His redemption involves lots of potty humor, including one character rolling down a hill in a portable toilet. "A holiday film for the whole family," wrote the Chicago Reader's J.R. Jones, "provided the whole family is obsessed with human waste."

'Jingle All the Way'

Arnold Schwarzenegger dashes through the snow on Christmas Eve in hapless pursuit of an action figure for his son. But laughs are even harder to find in this distressing 1996 slapstick farce, whose box-office failure started Schwarzenegger's descent from A-list status. Now California's governor, Schwarzenegger has yet to live down the holiday turkey. When his four ballot measures were rejected by California voters in November 2005, Tonight Show host Jay Leno quipped: "This has to be the worst day Arnold's had since that movie Jingle All the Way came out."

Kathie Lee Gifford's Christmas specials

Regis Philbin's former Live co-host starred during the 1990s in annual CBS holiday specials that featured her husband, Frank Gifford, and their children. Washington Post television critic Tom Shales probably clinched his Pulitzer Prize with his scathing reviews of them. Shales called 1995's Kathie Lee: Home for Christmas, "a sickeningly saccharine vanity production that should really have been titled O Come, Let Us Adore Me." Her 1998 outing, Kathie Lee Gifford: Christmas Every Day, led him to ask: "What's the difference between the 24-hour flu and a Kathie Lee Gifford Christmas special? Twenty-three hours."

Copyright ©2006 Cox Ohio Publishing

[tigereye]

1. but, but, the one about Santa and the Martians

is a surrealistic classic! I always look forward to the few bizarre snippets I can catch as I'm baking, etc.

[elfrangel]

2. I love Eight Crazy Nights...

A guilty pleasure I guess. My hubby and I look to watch it every year.


Babes in Toyland w. Barrymore and Reeves is a very guilty pleasure for me. I loved that film when it first came out and I would watch it again. I bet my son would love it. *sigh* oh well.