Have you ever trusted someone and really regretted it?

[Mythsaje]

I knew this guy since I was in High School. Played D&D with him for years. He helped me design my own game system. I knew he was weird, but weird, in my opinion, is hardly a crime. Girls not only found him unattractive (though he wasn't ugly, in my opinion, just very thin and wiry) but actually seemed to find him repellent.

I met him when he was still in junior high, and he hung around with other people who were friends. He seemed like a decent enough person. Honest, though not particularly motivated.

He worked fast food mostly after he finished with high school. He didn't seem to have any ambition to do anything else. After a while his friends had to help him out from time to time--he ended up renting a room from one or another of us. He couldn't hang on to a job.

We finally convinced him to join the Army Reserves. He needed some self-discipline and we thought maybe the military could give it to him.

He ended up going into the regular army and was stationed across the country. When he got out, he came back and ended up living with my ex and me. He wasn't our only roommate at the time. We were renting a rather large house and we all fit just fine.

We ended up having to kick him out because he wasn't pulling his weight. Things went on a downhill slide and my ex and I split up. She gave custody of our oldest to me and kept the baby. I left her with her new boyfriend in Spokane and came back across the mountains and ended up staying with this friend. My son and I slept on his couch while I waited for something to break. My family wasn't very supportive so I had little choice.

Through a series of misadventures, I finally got a job and an apartment in Tacoma. My ex snatched our son back and revealed to me that my son had told her, not in so many words, that he'd been molested. She first aimed the accusation at me, which she knew as well as I did was patently ridiculous. It infuriated me. It was one of the manipulations her boyfriend suggested for the upcoming custody battle. If they couldn't pin it on me, they'd accuse me of not preventing it. Of course it worked.

I confronted this guy with the accusation and he didn't respond at all. He didn't deny it. He didn't say ANYTHING about it. I didn't do it in person, knowing it wouldn't be a good idea. I sent him an email. He seemed to want to talk about anything BUT the accusation.

Not long after, he went back to active duty in the military and moved back east. I thought that was a wise move on his part.

A few years later, I was contacted by his parents through some mutual friends. My new wife and I were staying with another friend while we looked for a house of our own. These friends came by and said that he'd been busted by the Army with child porn on his computer and that he was looking for "character references."

I just stared at them, shocked. My roommate (my best friend, who'd actually known the other guy longer than I had) shook his head and said "you're not going to get that here."

Last we heard he got three years in lockup as part of some type of deal he made. He ended up in detention on Fort Lewis, which is roughly fifteen miles from where I am now. He'll be getting out soon and I really hope he doesn't come looking for any of us. I wouldn't seek him out to do anything to him, but I know that mere proximity could be dangerous for him. I think he DID molest my son, and I really want to wring his neck.

A lot of people would be out for blood. There are some who'd kill. I would just want to hurt him. A lot. I'm afraid he'll try to slip into the local pagan community and end up at one of the events I usually attend.

It would not be a good thing.

My poll question?

Same as the thread title.

Have you ever trusted someone and really regretted it?

[lvx35]

1. You know, the flip side of being "more cynical"

is learning that there are people you CAN trust, even though they superficially seem untrustworthy. That's the flip side of the people who superficially seem trustworthy but burn you. As you get wiser, you learn to question your assumptions, check the details. If you're willing to look beyond your own incorrect assumptions of people, you often find that some people are BETTER than they appear, not worse.

[Mythsaje]

2. Oh, I know that too...

My instincts about people are actually pretty good. I'm far more trusting than my wife, but she was a corrections officer, which tends to make one pretty cynical in general.

The guy I'm talking about in this post came along before I'd had the experience to judge him effectively.

[lvx35]

4. Yeah, that's really tough. :(

I guess I'm just sayin' that we really do get something and learn something from these painful setbacks in life...

[Mythsaje]

6. Yeah, we do...that's for sure. n/t

[raccoon]

14. IME, that's especially true of people who aren't real outgoing.

"you often find that some people are BETTER than they appear, not worse."

[Mythsaje]

23. I probably fit into that category...

It always surprises me when I find out that I make some people nervous, that I exude a "don't bother me" vibe.

[some guy]

3. I'm sorry.

For your pain. :hug: For your son :hug: For the violation of your trust :hug:

Trust for me is a weird thing. Most people, I only trust very minimally (about as far as I could throw 'em, or as little as necessary, whichever best applies.)

But a small percentage of people, I readily give a great deal of trust to without hesitation. I can't think of anyone in this group who has betrayed my trust.

I don't know how to vote in your poll, since none of the options seem right for my experience.

[Mythsaje]

5. It was a long time ago... 8, almost 9 years now...

I'm not sure what scarred my son worse--what this guy may have done to him, or his mother keeping him away from me for several years.

We all paid the price...

[eridani]

7. In game theory--

--the all the time winning strategy is still "Tit for Tat" (I think). Trust first, and then mirror the other person's behavior. Unfortunately, the second step in that round can sometimes really be a doozy. Glad to hear you are healing from that, and let your community know what they need to know to protect themselves and you.

[porphyrian]

8. My answer is more like "yes, but I've usually got good instincts."

Many people you can trust in that you can't trust them. That's another predictable behavior, you just can't take them at their word. I'm usually right about it. That makes betrayal sting even worse.

I hope you and your son are OK.

[Mythsaje]

9. Time will tell, I guess...

My son doesn't remember it, I don't think. Or, if he does, he doesn't talk about it with anyone...not even his therapist, from what I understand. He came and spent a week with my wife and I this summer and actually brought it up to me, which indicated to me something I'd thought for a long time. He trusts me, even after being torn away from me for years, more than he does just about anyone else.

I think all he really knows about this is what he's been told. And I'm glad of that.

[Dangerously Amused]

19. ?

If your son brought it up to you last summer, why do you think he "doesn't remember it"?


And, with all due respect, how do you know what he talks about with his therapist?

[Mythsaje]

20. I only know what his mother has told me about it

plus I received therapy notes during the discovery phase of the custody hearing that indicated only that he refused to address the issue entirely. His mother has specifically told me that he doesn't talk about it with her or the therapist, and dodges the subject when it comes up. Or just shuts down. As far as I've been able to determine, the ONLY person he's told this to was his mother right after she took custody. He hasn't specifically addressed it since then with anyone. Except me, apparently, last summer.

And I'm not sure how much he remembers because he doesn't really know WHO did it, only that someone did. And I got the impression that what he "knows" is primarily second-hand. In other words, he doesn't "know" anything other than what he's been told about it since while they were trying to get information about it from him.

[idgiehkt]

10. never, ever trust anyone with your kids

doctors, dentists, teachers, relatives, friends....

it sounds harsh, but it's the truth.

[Mythsaje]

11. And, of course, there are times when you have no choice...

That's what really sucks about it.

[crim son]

12. I'm not sure what to think about this guy. One would think he'd want

to defend himself against such a charge, unless he didn't believe you were serious. There are some seriously screwn people out there. I'm sorry your son has been so affected.

I'm normally a cynic, and cautious. A person has to be pretty credible before I'm going to give him or her my trust because I tend to expect very little of people. Having said that, I was used and lied to by a master this past year. A freaking genius of bullshit and I fell for it all. I'd say I'm past cynicism and into pathological distrust these days. I think it's the way to go!

[lildreamer316]

13. #3, and #1.

I have found no solution at the moment except to run everything through my husband, who seems to be a better judge of crazy character than me.
I am so very very sorry that happened to you and your son.
On a slightly hopeful note about that, I know someone very well who was molested many times by a male in the family (he is male also) and has turned out to be a wonderful person. He does have some problems, but not in the places where it really matters (love relationsips, parenting, honesty, etc.).

[Mythsaje]

21. He's a good kid...

He's just vulnerable. An older kid apparently victimized him again a few years ago.

[MissMillie]

15. "more cynical w/ age" is an understatement for me

unfortunately

[BlueIris]

16. Of course I have, and a result, I basically trust almost no one.

People aren't trustworthy creatures. This is not to say that it's anyone's fault if they get duped, the fault for the pain and suffering caused should get put on the trust-breaker. But what I've learned is that almost no one in our sad, sorry, messed up society deserves anyone's consistent trust.

Also, Mythsaje, I'm really sorry about what happened to your kid. Have you explored counseling? (I mean, for you; you obviously have a lot of rage to process, which is only natural, as is entertaining the occasional revenge fantasy, but...you might want to pursue therapy before it goes any farther than that.)

[Mythsaje]

22. I'm naturally angry...

I don't think I need therapy to deal with a normal human emotion. All I want is for him to stay away from me. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I'm certainly not going to seek him out to punish him. Being him is probably punishment enough.

Revenge is pretty pointless. It won't do anything to help anyone.

My son's mother, on the other hand...HER I worry about. Her anger approaches the level of a psychosis sometimes.

[Lyric]

17. Yes. It's hard to talk about.

It's happened on several occasions.

The first time was when I was 18. I won't go into details, but I wound up charged with a crime that I had absolutely nothing to do with, mostly because I got "taken in" by someone I trusted. All charges were dropped of course--the judge said flat-out that he wasn't going to punish me for being yet another victim of this creep.

The second time was when I was 20--and this is the big one, the one that never stops hurting. I turned my whole life upside down to be with a man who swore he loved me. Moved to a different state, left everything behind. We were engaged, ring and all. He told me he WANTED a baby, he didn't want to wait, and since he was expecting to inherit from a trust fund, why use protection? To make a long and complicated story short: I got pregnant, he inherited a big chunk of cash from his grandparents, and left the damned country. He denies that our son is his, he's never EVER tried to see him or talk to him, and he's living the good life with some SCA-obsessed woman he met on the internet. They reside outside of Adelaide, Australia.

Meanwhile I had no money for prenatal care (didn't even know Medicaid EXISTED at the time). Thank god I had my domestic partner when I was pregnant, because otherwise I don't know what would have happened to me.

There's a lot more to this story--it's real Jerry Springer stuff. But yeah, I've had my innocence and trust violated viciously. But maybe it was for the best. A man like that is no role model for a little boy. On a side note, this man's sister (my son's paternal aunt) recently contacted us and we sent her photographs of Brendan. She'd previously believed her brother when he told outrageous lies about me being some kind of slut and how my little boy wasn't "his". But she doesn't believe him anymore.

All you have to do is LOOK at my kid to know who his father was. And that is like a bittersweet knife to my heart from time to time. *sigh*

[crim son]

18. ....

:hug: That is truly awful.

[Phillycat]

24. So, just gathering info from this thread...

Your son was molested while he was staying with you, then there was a bitter custody battle, then his mother kept him away from you for a significant period of time, and somewhere in there your son was again sexually abused by an older child, and you state that you are "naturally angry" and your son's mom is "psychotically angry".

I really, sincerely hope your son is already in intensive counseling. He's going to need it. My prayers go out to him.

[Mythsaje]

25. Excuse me?

I am naturally angry about what was done to him. Who wouldn't be?

His mother's anger is a bit more intense than mine--I think she'd do something about it if given the chance. Like hunt him down and hurt him. That's the kind of person she is, especially since she suffered similar abuse as a child. She has a vengeful streak that I simply don't possess.

You seem to take the fact that both of us are angry over what was done to him to mean we're unreasonably angry in general, which strikes me as a strange assumption to make. We've managed to get past any issues between us, which is pretty damn good considering how seldom that actually happens in custody battles as bad as this one was.

[Phillycat]

26. Well...

This is what you said:

I'm naturally angry...
I don't think I need therapy to deal with a normal human emotion. All I want is for him to stay away from me. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I'm certainly not going to seek him out to punish him. Being him is probably punishment enough.

Revenge is pretty pointless. It won't do anything to help anyone.

My son's mother, on the other hand...HER I worry about. Her anger approaches the level of a psychosis sometimes.

You did not specify that you were angry at the man who molested your son, or that your son's mother was directed that way. It was just a statement, like in general. I'm sorry if I misinterpreted.

Anyway, the far more pressing issue is that your son was sexually abused, twice now. In case you don't know what that does to a person, how it affects them for the rest of their lives (and I do, from personal experience), here's a good link:

http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/facts/specific/fs_child_sexual_abuse.html

and another, more in-depth one specific to male children:

http://www.jimhopper.com/male-ab/#last

and one more:

http://www.aifs.gov.au/nch/issues9.html

Or just ask me. I'll tell you all about it. Praying for your son. He needs professional help right away.

[Mythsaje]

27. He's been getting professional help...

this whole time. I hope it's helping. I did notice that he seemed willing to broach the subject with me while he doesn't talk about it with his mother at all. At least, not according to her.

He's going to have a lot of issues to work through as he gets older. I just wish I knew how much he actually trusted his therapist, because without that trust all the therapy in the world isn't going to do him any good.