A question about college aged children...what contact do you have

[cally]

My daughter is off at college and often doesn't respond to phone calls or emails. A few times, she has left town and we've sent many worried emails and phone messages. She left town last weekend and left an annoyed message telling us that she is gone. I'm sure I'm going to hear about this when she gets home tomorrow.

So, I think it's reasonable to expect that she lets us know if she will be unavailable for a few days. I sort of expect some contact once a week and to get a response if I start leaving messages. I get worried if I don't hear from her.

I'm curious how others have handled this. If it helps, she's been off camping in subzero temperatures and rock climbing.

[HiFructosePronSyrup]

1. It's part of leaving the nest.

Don't worry.

After they outgrow this phase they'll start calling semi-regularly.

[lizziegrace]

2. Is this her first year?

And how far from home is she?

Lelapin, ZombieNixon and other are in college too. Maybe they can enlighten us?

(Love you Lelapin!)

[cally]

3. It's her first year, and she's

3,000 miles away. I'm trying to let go but these few times even her dad, my husband, is more freaked than I am. He is usually the one who tells me not to worry but when he got scared, then both of us freaked.

[lizziegrace]

7. I agree that she's stretching her wings

I also would tell her how much you miss and worry about her and that a quick phone call or email would be appreciated.

:hug:

[trof]

17. How much slack did you cut her before she left home?

Was she rebellious then?
What kind of relationship did/do you have?

It's hard to know how much rope to give them.
You try for just enough to give them a sense of making their own decisions without giving them too much.
It's a damn hard balance.

I won't hold us up as perfect parents, but we tried to be what we considered 'reasonable' with our daughter. And do not ask me to define that. It varies, from kid to kid.

Our daughter did OK with her new 'total' freedom.
She had one roomie whose parents were VERY strict (fundie) who just went ape when she finally got out on her own.

Our daughter had reasonable curfews in high school, but with the understanding that she would call us, no matter what time, if she was running late for whatever reason. It worked pretty well.

I'm sure that she did things that we never knew about while she was in college. This was before the days of cellphones. But we could usually find her pretty quick if we needed to talk. And she checked in fairly often. She was only a couple of hundred miles away from home. We saw her fairly regularly.

3000 miles is a long way.
Good luck.

[skygazer]

4. You need to back off a bit

And I don't say that snarkily.

There comes a time when you have to trust that the way you brought up your child will instill the values in them that you'd like them to carry. You also have to recognize that they want to feel like an adult, don't want to feel pressured or obligated to call or let you know where they'll be. That feels a lot like being 13 and at home. She's not - she's an adult in college.

Relax a bit. Don't insist on weekly calls. I would suggest calmly asking her if she feels like you're monitoring her every move - if she does (and I imagine she does), apologise. Tell her that it's hard to get used to, that you'll try to back off but that you really would appreciate it if she just let you know when she's going to be away so you don't worry and so if something happened (climbing accident? car accident?) and she wasn't home when scheduled, you'd know where to look.

Being a parent is such a tough job! :hug: But try to see her as an adult, not your kid. Hard, I know, but getting to know your kids as adults is as much fun as it was when they were kids.

[cally]

13. Umm, she's not hanging out at the college but

going off doing dangerous activities. I trust her but these are dangerous and I worry. When she went caverning, I told her she had to call me afterwards but she forgot. :eyes: I think any adult should check in before doing most of these activities.

[skygazer]

20. So if she called you before she went, would you worry less?

I did agree with you that it's a good idea to let someone know when she was going out on these excursions but I also think you're worrying too much and overreacting. And it sounds like that may be a reason why she doesn't call - because she feels like you're monitoring her every move. Which is how I'd feel.

She's 3000 miles away - it's not like you can go pick her up if she gets a flat tire. As long as she's letting someone know that she'll be out and when she'll be back, that's following common sense. It doesn't have to be her mommy anymore - you're too far away to do anything in the event of an emergency anyway.

I just think you sound a little overwrought. And I think it's too rigid to insist on a weekly call. She's busy, she's in college, she's making friends, she's having fun, she's going on neat expeditions - that are probably less dangerous than riding to the 7-11 in a car, realistically.

In my experience, when you give kids some room, they discover that they WANT to call you or keep in touch. My slightly-more-than 2 cents.

[Reverend_Smitty]

5. I guess she's trying to assert some independence

I usually responded to phone or e-mail messages when I got them from my parents, but then again I usually respond when anybody calls me. I'm out of college and I still tell my family if I'm going to be out of town for a few days just so nobody gets the wrong idea and thinks I'm dead in a ditch somewhere. I'd say if she is really worrying you talk to her about it...tell her it's not an issue of keeping tabs on her but it's something that responsible adults do so their friends and family don't go bonkers worrying about them.

[pitohui]

6. interesting post

when i was in my first year of college i could afford no telephone and of course there was no email in those times

i hiked and camped just as much, my folks simply didn't know about it

sometimes the bad side of all this high tech is that we have unrealistic expectations about how often we can or should keep in touch, the cell phone/blackberry or wireless device might not even work where she's camping

i can see both sides of this so can't really offer much insight except to say that in my humble experience the camping in cold weather is probably safer than most usa college campuses!

[carlydenise]

8. OMG I am about to go thru this next year

I am already stressing over it......it's not that the parents don't trust the kid, it's the other idiots out there that the kid is exposed to that worries the parents. I freak out if my kid is late coming home from walmart...She just smiles and reminds me she is not 4 years old anymore, and that it will be quite o.k....
Carly

[skygazer]

10. You and cally both need to remember what it was like to be that age

Seriously.

And before you think I'm just some dumb kid who want her mom to back off, I'm 45 with three adult kids. And they all call me. Without prompting.

Let 'em fly.

[AngryAmish]

9. Every 2 weeks to a month

They should let you know if they are coming home and when.

[huskerlaw]

11. I don't think you're asking too much.

I'm 28 years old and live 1500 miles away from my parents...and my mother calls me once a week just to make sure everything is ok. I don't think that's being too nosy at all...you are her mother, you do care about her, and frankly it would be weird if you didn't check on her every once in a while.

Perhaps you need to have a talk with her about WHY you're calling. Let her know it's not because you're trying to monitor every move or because you don't trust her. Tell her that you just want to know that she's safe and happy. And then, keep the contact down to once a week or so.

If she can't understand or respect why you would want to make sure that she's ok, then frankly, I'd be worried. Then it kinda seems like she has something to hide. Cuz honestly, a phone call or email once a week is NOT an unreasonable request.

[seemunkee]

12. We talk once a week

email maybe a couple of times and IM when the mood strikes. He's been gone four years. He's a musician and travels a lot. He usually emails from on the road every other day when out of the country.

If she is going camping and climbing she should check out/in on those trips. Even if it is a group. That is just common sense. My mother put up with me being out in the woods a lot but that was a rule.

[riderinthestorm]

14. I speak with my daugher once/week, email when necessary

(over anything from her overdrawing her account to mechanical needs for the car). We made a deal that we would talk on Sunday afternoons and I honor that. It's pretty rare that I have to call her (emergencies only) outside of those times. She knows though, that it relieves my mind to know that she's safe each week. I don't try to pry too much when we talk - I let her pace the conversation. If she says she has a lot of homework, I take that as my cue that it's going to be a short conversation and give a verbal hug and hang up. If she's chatty we stay on and talk.

There have been times her younger sister wants to talk to her during the week and my daughter doesn't pick up - so I know she's screening and I know I just have to live with that. She's a junior and definitely on her own now but I was really firm when she first went away that we felt it was important that we all kept in touch at least once/week to check in on each other. She also knows that she has elderly grandparents (in the late 70s, early 80's), and a great-grand who is nearing 100. There is going to come a day when I need to get a hold of her and there needs to be a mechanism for that.

Have you been calling her too much? She may be going the other way to make a point.

Also, I'm not sure I can phrase this tactfully but how much are you paying for her school? I hate to say it but if you are putting out $25k/year or are paying for most of her costs, your daughter should honor your request to at least stay in touch. That may sound a bit extortionary but after all, if she is causing you some grief with this issue, it doesn't seem unreasonable to make sure she's got some terms she needs to comply with - staying in contact once/week shouldn't be any hardship, nor would letting you know when she is going out of town on an adventure.

[leftofthedial]

15. cut those apron strings

and figure out some way to handle the worry

at some point, she may figure out how to be considerate

but until then, you've gotta let her go to let her go

[Mz Pip]

16. Sounds like you've

raised an independent and resourceful young woman. Much better than my friend's daughter who went off to college and ended up calling home every night in tears complaining about one thing or another.

It's hard to find the right balance. It took me awhile to realize that no contact didn't mean something was wrong. If something bad happened someone would get in touch.

When my #2 son was still in high school he went to Chile with a friend who had grandparents there. I found out after he got back that they flew down to Southern Chile and hitch hiked up the coast and then up into the mountains. They had a great time but it's probably better I didn't know about that.

Also, kids always call when they need money. That never changes. :-)

:hi:

Mz Pip
:dem:

[Rabrrrrrr]

18. Let her go. I called home every two weeks or so.

My sister, however, was the type of parent to constantly monitor her child's whereabouts while she (the child) was in college out of state, daily calls, emails, would get upset if she (my sister) didn't hear from her for more than 24 hours at a stretch, always had to know where the daughter was going and with whom and when they were leaving and when they were returning (daughter was on a sports team, for god's sake...) and blah blah blah interfere interfere interfere interfere interfere micromanage micromanage micromanage....

It drove me crazy, and I wasn't even there.

Daughter is now graduated, living at home looking for real work while working some slop job for money while she looks, and sister still insists on knowing when daughter needs to wake up the next day, waking daughter up in the morning, making sure her lunch is packed, make her bed, clean her room, micromanage micromanage micromanage and BIL takes care of every little bit of detail about her car, like oil, washing it, etc. - and mostly all this is done not so much out of love, but because they don't trust their children to wash the car correctly, get up on time, or make their beds correctly.

Sorry, I took your valid concern and turned into a mini-rant against my sister, and made a lot of assumptions about what you are doing based on my own issues with my sister. I apologize for wasting your time on this one.

I do think your child has a responsibility to return your calls in a timely basis - it's only mannerly, and appropriate, and a sign of love - unless you are calling more than once a day or constantly checking in on her. And I do remember some days in college when it just wasn't possible to get back to my parents on the same day they called, depending on my classes, activities, and how long I was at the library, and their bed time. (this was before cell phones, and long before old people had email).

[Lydia Leftcoast]

22. My mother was like that

I was only 30 miles away, but she called me every single night, and in those days, they didn't have phones in the dorm rooms, just in the hallways, so everyone knew that my mom wasn't giving me any space.

When I went home for Christmas, I begged my brothers, who were still in high school, for help. When the new year started and I went back to school, suddenly there were fewer calls. I don't know what they did, but knowing them, they probably teased her into laying off.

The way I had to struggle to get a little independence makes me marvel at the college students today--like my niece--who seem to be in constant cell phone contact with their parents.

[Rabrrrrrr]

23. I feel sorry for the kids with the fucking helicopter parents.

I feel especially sorry for the kids who actually expect it.

I'm not sure I'm so keen on this new paradigm of colleges having "parent's days" seemingly once or twice a semester, including parents in the orientation, and the parents having so much input on the education and whatnot of the schools their children are at.

I think the schools are giving up too much control of the thing that they are for and are the REAL experts in: providing an education.

And the kids are being forced to give up too much over the one thing that they are there for: to flower, to go independant, and to cut that unbilical cord.

Granted, parents (or whoever is paying for the education) have a right to make sure their money isn't being wasted; but on the other hand, the constant interference of parents, who assume that they are all experts on the proper education their kids should receive, is like telling the plumber or butcher or surgeon that they should do it your way, because you "just know in my heart" that your way is the correct way, or you won't pay them.

You pay for the experts to get the experts' product - the thing they are trained in, the thing that they are professionals at. You don't hire experts and then tell them to do it your way, second-guess them all the way, and expect them to waste so much fucking time constantly reporting back to you.

For God's sake, the college my niece went to sent report cards to the parents.

It's the commoditization of America - public education is a commodity, the churches are becoming commodities ("this church isn't meeting my needs, so I will go over here..."), and, sadly, the last bastion of what shouldn't be a commodity - college education - is now becoming one.

And I'm pissed off about it.

I apologize, for I seem to have gone off on another rant and wasted the OP's thread again.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

24. The most pernicious parents I encountered as a professor were

1) The ones who dictated their child's course of study, regardless of the child's interests and talents. They did things like telling them that they'd pay only for a business or computer science major, or that spending a year abroad would deprive the student of $25,000 of lifetime income (I encountered that type of money-obsessed parents twice, or that they'd pull them out of school if they continued to study Latin beyond the college's language requirement, or that they'd better not waste any expensive college credits on art courses.

2) The "run interference" types: These were the parents with the screw-up children, the students who continually sabotaged themselves with flaky behavior, like simply disappearing from class for two months or missing half a required orientation for study abroad because of drinking too much the previous night. The parent would then phone me and act as if I was a heartless bitch for letting this kind of behavior suffer its natural consequences, such as flunking the course or being kicked out of the study abroad program. One unusually flaky young woman with a famous name (no, not Bush) had been kicked out of four colleges by the time she reached my school, where she proceeded to flunk out again. And of course, the problem was not with her--it was with us, or so the well-known parent said.

[wildhorses]

19. on the other end of the spectrum--

TheSmoker's 22 y/o daughter comes home every weekend and sometimes in the middle of the week. He MUST be home on Saturday night cos "you know--Daddy is NOT dating anybody"

:wtf:

[philosophie_en_rose]

21. You and my Mom!

Everytime I pick up my phone, I have messages from my mother. "Where are you? Have you eaten? What did you eat, then? Do you need any money? I sent you twelve ugly, puffy sweaters with which you will no doubt attract a husband."

:rofl:

At first, I thought my mom was an insane stalker. However, now I see that it was the most effective means to get her kids out of the house. Smothering love. :)

My advice to you is to trust your daughter to be responsible. It is NOT AT ALL unreasonable for you to worry and I hope your daughter appreciates that you care. However, I also hope that you find peace in the fact that you have created an independent, self-sufficient being. You did your job!

As I always tell my mom - Now your time should be all about you!